10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. During his weekly radio program, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he “kicked the President’s ass” when the two took part in a boardwalk carnival game of football toss. Christie said throwing the ball thru the tire was the easy part, the hard part was throwing away something made out of pig.

2. On Thursday, actor Josh Duhamel and wife, singer Fergie, welcomed their first child, a baby boy, in the world. Fergie reportedly was in labor for over seven hours, but everyone knows Will.i.am did most of the work.

3. Scientists have found a genetic mechanism in mice that hampers their body clock’s ability to adjust to changes in patterns of light and dark, and say their results could someday lead to the development of drugs to combat jetlag. This comes as great news to the business mouse on the go.

4. On Wednesday, the Oxford English Dictionary added the words “twerk,” “selfie” and “srysly” to its official lexicon. And, in a related story, the Oxford English Dictionary changed the definition of “dictionary” to “big book of nonsense.”

5. Yesterday, President Obama said he teared-up watching “the Butler,” a movie about an African-American man who served for 34 years at the White House during the civil rights movement. Paula Deen also teared-up during the movie, but for different reasons.

6. On Tuesday, Japanese automaker Nissan said it will begin selling autonomous, self-driving cars by the year 2014. Or, as Lindsay Lohan refers to it, ten years too late.

7. Drive-in garages, where clients can visit prostitutes in private are being touted as a way to get large numbers of prostitutes off of Switzerland’s otherwise pristine streets. The garages charge $15 per half-hour, but if you want to park backwards, that costs extra.

8. Monday night during the MTV Video Music Awards at Brooklyn’s Barclay’s Center, singer Miley Cyrus caused an uproar by simulating sex with “Blurred Lines” lead-singer Robin Thicke. But, since the Barclay’s Center is home to the Brooklyn Nets, the crowd was used to seeing someone blow the lead.

9. Over the weekend, former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson said he was on the “verge of dying” due to drugs and alcohol but has been sober now for six days. So let this be a lesson to all you kids, the man with the face tattoo may not be as together as he seems.

10. American Eric “Mean” Melin was crowned air guitar world champion on Friday after his rendition of Weezer’s “Dope Note” took home first place at the annual competition in Finland. The trophy will look great next to all his other imaginary accomplishments.

Monologue Jokes – August 30, 2013

1. During his weekly radio program, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he “kicked the President’s ass” when the two took part in a boardwalk carnival game of football toss. Christie said throwing the ball thru the tire was the easy part, the hard part was throwing away something made of pig.

2. On Thursday, actor Josh Duhamel and wife, singer Fergie, welcomed their first child, a baby boy, in the world. Fergie reportedly was in labor for over seven hours, but everyone knows Will.i.am did most of the work.

3. According to the findings of an international study published Thursday, poverty and the all-consuming worrying that comes with it requires so much mental energy that the poor have little brain power left to devote to other areas of life. Alright, but Sarah Palin’s got money, so what’s her excuse?

4. This week, the California Legislature is debating a new bill that would make it a misdemeanor for people to distribute sexually explicit photos and videos they’d shot in order to cause others humiliation or distress. And, just like that, Snooki’s porn career is over before it even started.

5. According to new data, over the last decade more U.S. children have ended up in the emergency room after swallowing magnets than ever before. Although the practice may be unsafe for the child, it does cut the middle man out of the whole “hanging you kid’s artwork on the fridge” equation.

6. A new study suggests, flare-ups of inflammatory bowel disease and “stomach bugs” may be more common during and immediately after heat waves. But you would be sick too if you had to see the freak-shows on the F-train wearing tank-tops and short-shorts.

7. Scientists have found a genetic mechanism in mice that hampers their body clock’s ability to adjust to changes in patterns of light and dark, and say their results could someday lead to the development of drugs to combat jetlag. This comes as great news to the business mouse on the go.

8. Scientists have found a genetic mechanism in mice that hampers their body clock’s ability to adjust to changes in patterns of light and dark, and say their results could someday lead to the development of drugs to combat jetlag. Or maybe, and I’m just going out on a limb here, mice don’t fully grasp the concept of different time zones.

9. The National Football League has agreed to a $765 million settlement deal with thousands of former players who sued the league, accusing it of hiding the dangers of brain injury while profiting from the sport’s violence. So to all those former players, make sure to enjoy that victory now, because you’re probably not gonna remember it tomorrow.

10. The National Football League has agreed to a $765 million settlement deal with thousands of former players who sued the league, accusing it of hiding the dangers of brain injury while profiting from the sport’s violence. But if those former players are really suffering brain injuries they’ll show up confused to an empty courtroom tomorrow.

Monologue Jokes – August 29, 2013

1. Russian police seized a painting of Vladimir Putin in women’s lingerie from a gallery in St. Petersburg. Said Putin, “Yeah … painting … that’s what it was.”

2. Russian police seized a painting of Vladimir Putin in women’s lingerie from a gallery in St. Petersburg. Said the artist, “Who are you? How’d you get in here? Oh dear god, please stop hitting me!”

3. Google recently announced that the Moto X, the new flagship phone of the company’s Motorola division, will be manufactured in Texas. Who knew there’s a place in China called “Texas” too?

4. Researchers from Lund University in Sweden created a new periodic element by slamming atoms of one element, calcium, into atoms of another called americium. The scientists were hopeful that the experiment would work, but, just to be safe, they got the atoms really drunk beforehand.

5. Researchers from Lund University in Sweden created a new periodic element by slamming atoms of one element, calcium, into atoms of another called americium. Meaning, that even atoms got more action in college than you.

6. Representatives have confirmed that actors Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones “are taking some time apart.” So keep an eye out for that the new lucky lady that Michael Douglas will soon give HPV to.

7. Yesterday, Shellie Zimmerman, wife of George Zimmerman, pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of perjury Which means, in the eyes of the law, George is the more law-abiding member of that relationship.

8. On Wednesday, the Oxford English Dictionary added the words “twerk,” “selfie” and “srysly” to its official lexicon. And, in a related story, the Oxford English Dictionary changed the definition of “dictionary” to “big book of nonsense.”

9. A Texas actress charged with sending ricin-tainted letters to President Obama and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was found competent Wednesday to stand trial. So, I guess she wasn’t that good of an actress.

10. According to a poll released Wednesday, Bill de Blasio has taken a strong lead among Democrats in the race to be New York City’s next mayor, just two weeks ahead of the primary. Said his opponent Anthony Weiner, “That means nothing, we all know polls can shrink quickly, for instance if it’s cold outside or my wife walks into the room.”

Monologue Jokes – August 28, 2013

1. Yesterday, President Obama said he teared-up watching “the Butler,” a movie about an African-American man who served for 34 years at the White House during the civil rights movement. Paula Deen also teared-up during the movie, but for different reasons.

2. On Tuesday, Japanese automaker Nissan said it will begin selling autonomous, self-driving cars by the year 2014. Or, as Lindsay Lohan refers to it, ten years too late.

3. According to reports, lawyers for George Zimmerman plan to ask the state of Florida to reimburse their client for at least $200,000 of expenses incurred during his trial. Although I think it was in bad taste for the lawyers to end their request with “or else.”

4. The New York Times’ website experienced widespread outages Tuesday afternoon, the apparent result of a malicious, cyber attack. If only there were another way to read the New York Times, but alas…

5. Drive-in garages, where clients can visit prostitutes in private are being touted as a way to get large numbers of prostitutes off of Switzerland’s otherwise pristine streets. The garages charge $15 per half-hour, but if you want to park backwards, that costs extra.

6. Drive-in garages, where clients can visit prostitutes in private are being touted as a way to get large numbers of prostitutes off of Switzerland’s otherwise pristine streets. Another way to get large numbers prostitutes off the streets, AIDs.

7. Drive-in garages, where clients can visit prostitutes in private are being touted as a way to get large numbers of prostitutes off of Switzerland’s otherwise pristine streets. And, just like the garage, prostitutes will make sure to properly label all exits and entrances.

8. According to a new study, fewer people were hospitalized for severe diarrhea once the U.S. started vaccinating for the rotavirus in 2006. This comes as welcomed news for all hospital janitors.

9. U.S. President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper on Tuesday agreed that the use of chemical weapons in Syria merits a firm, effective and timely response. And nothing strikes fear in heart of a ruthless dictator like a handful of Mounties, politely asking you to stop.

10. Wal-Mart said on Tuesday it will offer health insurance benefits to domestic partners of its U.S. employees starting in 2014. So you have until 2014 to come out of the closet and admit to your family that you work for Wal-Mart.

Monologue Jokes – August 27, 2013

1. Monday night at the MTV Video Music Awards, singer Miley Cyrus caused an uproar by performing a sexually suggestive routine while “twerking” in a skin-colored, latex bikini. After the show, those in attendance were required to register with Megan’s Law.

2. Monday night at the MTV Video Music Awards, singer Miley Cyrus caused an uproar by performing a sexually suggestive routine while “twerking” in a skin-colored, latex bikini. As a result, many viewers with small children were forced to change the channel to more appropriate, family-friendly programming, like Breaking Bad.

3. Monday night at the MTV Video Music Awards, 20-year-old singer Miley Cyrus caused an uproar by “twerking” on stage in a skin-colored, latex bikini and simulating sex with 36-year old singer Robin Thicke. Thus forcing Billy Ray Cyrus to “blow up and kill that man.”

4. Monday night during the MTV Video Music Awards at Brooklyn’s Barclay’s Center, singer Miley Cyrus caused an uproar by simulating sex with “Blurred Lines” lead-singer Robin Thicke. But, since the Barclay’s Center is home to the Brooklyn Nets, the crowd was used to seeing someone blow the lead.

5. On Monday, the New York Mets announced that All-Star starting pitcher Matt Harvey will likely miss the remainder of the season with a partially torn ligament in his right elbow. The announcement also served as a reminder that the Mets are still playing games.

6. On Monday, the New York Mets announced that All-Star starting pitcher Matt Harvey will likely miss the remainder of the season with a partially torn ligament in his right elbow. “Remainder of the season? Come see me and I’ll have you back on the mound in a few days,” said A-Rod.

7. According to a list released by Forbes magazine, Madonna was the world’s top-earning celebrity last year, raking in an estimated $125 million. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure Guy Ritchie delivered my pizza last night.

8. Last week, Time Warner Cable offered up free antennas in their stores that allow customers to use broadcast signals to watch CBS, which is still being blacked out due to ongoing negotiations between the two companies. Said customers, “Great solution, that’s just what I want, more interactions with Time Warner.”

9. Last week, Time Warner Cable offered up free antennas in their stores that allow customers to use broadcast signals to watch CBS, which is still being blacked out due to ongoing negotiations between the two companies. So to clarify, Time Warner, a cable company, is encouraging its customers to get their TV via free broadcast signals. That whole misfire purchase of AOL is starting to make a lot more sense.

10. On Friday, former heavyweight champion and newly sober Mike Tyson spoke about his ongoing battle with substance abuse saying “I’m on the verge of dying, because I’m a vicious alcoholic.” It was a very serious and heartfelt speech, but people did laugh a little when Tyson tried to pronounce “vicious.”

Monologue Jokes – August 26, 2013

1. San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, who is facing a sexual harassment lawsuit and a string of allegations of inappropriate behavior towards women, said on Friday he will resign. It should be noted, that on his way out Filner intentionally let the door hit him in the ass.

2. According to a new study, half of people with psoriasis are not satisfied with the treatment they’re receiving for the skin condition. And you can read the dissatisfaction all over their face.

3. Over the weekend, former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson said he was one the “verge of dying” due to drugs and alcohol but has been sober now for six days. So let this be a lesson to all you kids, the man with the face tattoo may not be as together as he seems.

4. American Eric “Mean” Melin was crowned air guitar world champion on Friday after his rendition of Weezer’s “Dope Note” took home first place at the annual competition in Finland. The trophy will look great next to all his other imaginary accomplishments.

5. On Sunday, a Nigerian teenager hid in the wheel compartment of an airplane and survived the half hour flight from Benin to Lagos. So stop asking me to put my seat back in the upright position, this kid was in a wheel well.

6. On Sunday, a Nigerian teenager hid in the wheel compartment of an airplane and survived the half hour flight from Benin to Lagos. When asked what prompted him to take such a risk, the teenager said, “It was either that or fly Delta.”

7. On Sunday, a Nigerian teenager hid in the wheel compartment of an airplane and survived the half hour flight from Benin to Lagos. On the plus side, he survived, on the down side, airlines discovered another seat they can charge for.

8. On Friday, Warner Brothers announced that Ben Affleck will take over the coveted role of Batman. So expect the next Batman to have battles with the Joker, the Penguin and the correction pronunciation of the letter “r.”

9. On Saturday, New York’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump accusing the businessman of defrauding students who studied at his investment institute. Students became suspicious of the school’s teachings when the first step to financial success was “make sure your father is extremely wealthy.”

10. Over the weekend, the IRS announced that the estate of pop music legend Michael Jackson owes $702 million in federal taxes and penalties after undervaluing some of the late star’s assets. But, in their defense, it’s hard to find an accountant who knows how to properly value things like the Elephant Man’s bones, finger paintings by Macaulay Culkin and a life-sized replica of Jackson as Batman. (No joke, those are things that he actually owned)

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A new study found that a child is killed by a falling TV every three weeks. Luckily for Casey Anthony, Best Buy has a very lenient return policy.

2. According to U.S. government data, the rate of circumcisions performed on newborn boys in U.S. hospitals dropped 6 percentage points over the last three decades. “Tell me something I don’t know,” said Jerry Sandusky.

3. A zoo in central China has been closed after visitors were outraged to discover its lion was really a dog. Tourists became suspicious when they noticed the lion tasted a lot like dog.

4. Dr. Phil has incurred the wrath of the internet after a tweet posted on his verified Twitter account asked if it’s okay to have sex with a drunk girl. So, I guess Lindsay Lohan’s gonna be on the show soon.

5. LinkedIn said it will open its social networking site to those above 13 years of age in a move aimed at attracting a younger membership base. Great news for the tech-savvy, career-focused pedophile.

6. Los Angeles Angels slugger Albert Pujols has been shut down for the remainder of the baseball season due to an injured left foot. Just what the city of Los Angeles needs, another out-of-work Hispanic.

7. Supporters of San Diego Mayor Bob Filner protested on Monday what they said were unfair attempts to oust him over sexual harassment accusations. The protest was short lived though as the entire group of protestors got sidetracked by making cat-calls at a woman who walked by.

8. After being sentenced to 35 years in prison, WikiLeaks source private Bradley Manning announced that he intends to begin hormone therapy for gender reassignment and live the rest of his life as a woman. Which falls in line with the military’s new policy of “I gotta ask, because I can’t tell.”

9. Senator Ted Cruz, a Texas Republican whose recent travel has fueled speculation he may run for president in 2016, has released his birth certificate, showing he was born in Canada to an American mother. Begging the question, if a Senator releases his birth certificate and no one cares, will Donald Trump still act like an asshole?

10. California authorities won court approval on Monday to force-feed prisoners who are currently on a hunger strike. Said the prisoners, “Man, we are just no good in court.”

Monologue Jokes – August 23, 2013

1. After being sentenced to 35 years in prison, WikiLeaks source private Bradley Manning intends to begin hormone therapy for gender reassignment and live the rest of his life as a woman under the name Chelsea Manning. Manning settled on “Chelsea” because girly names like “Peyton” were already taken.

2. After being sentenced to 35 years in prison, WikiLeaks source private Bradley Manning intends to begin hormone therapy for gender reassignment and live the rest of his life as a woman under the name Chelsea Manning. Lending credence to the belief that women don’t belong in the military.

3. After being sentenced to 35 years in prison, WikiLeaks source private Bradley Manning intends to begin hormone therapy for gender reassignment and live the rest of his life as a woman under the name Chelsea Manning. Which falls in line with the military’s new policy of “I gotta ask, because I can’t tell.”

4. After being sentenced to 35 years in prison, WikiLeaks source private Bradley Manning intends to begin hormone therapy for gender reassignment and live the rest of his life as a woman under the name Chelsea Manning. “You took all the fun out of it,” said Manning’s future prison-mates.

5. After being sentenced to 35 years in prison, WikiLeaks source private Bradley Manning intends to begin hormone therapy for gender reassignment and live the rest of his life as a woman under the name Chelsea Manning. When he was a man, people either thought of him as a hero or a traitor, but now that he’s a woman he’s just a gossipy bitch.

6. After being sentenced to 35 years in prison, WikiLeaks source private Bradley Manning intends to begin hormone therapy for gender reassignment and live the rest of his life as a woman under the name Chelsea Manning. Which is convenient, because his fellow prisoners were planning on giving him some “hormone injections” of their own.

7. According to U.S. government data, the rate of circumcisions performed on newborn boys in U.S. hospitals dropped 6 percentage points over the last three decades. “Tell me something I don’t know,” said Jerry Sandusky.

8. Yesterday, authorities found a stalker who had been living for the past week in the pool house of Jennifer Lopez’s Southampton mansion. Police have identified the man as Sir Mix-A-Lot.

9. According to a new study, babies whose mothers take probiotics while pregnant are at a lower risk for allergies. But, if those probiotics come from Activia, there is a higher risk of that baby being born early.

10. Atlanta Braves outfielder Jason Heyward is expected to be out for at least four weeks with a broken jaw after being hit by a ball thrown by a Mets pitcher. In retaliation, the Braves wanted to hit the Mets popular player, but, unfortunately, Mr. Met doesn’t take at-bats.

Monologue Jokes – August 22, 2013

1. A new study found that a child is killed by a falling TV every three weeks. Luckily for Casey Anthony, Best Buy has a very lenient return policy.

2. It was announced on Tuesday that N’SYNC will reunite for a one-time only show during this weekend’s Video Music Awards on MTV. As a result, Beyonce has been ducking Kelly Rowland’s calls all week.

3. Maine Governor Paul LePage has come under fire for reportedly saying that President Barack Obama “hates white people.” But, to be fair, you’d hate white people too if you had to hang around Joe Biden all day.

4. Dr. Phil has incurred the wrath of the internet after a tweet posted on his verified Twitter account asked if it’s okay to have sex with a drunk girl. But, in his defense, I don’t know how he’d get a girl to sleep with him otherwise.

5. Dr. Phil has incurred the wrath of the internet after a tweet posted on his verified Twitter account asked if it’s okay to have sex with a drunk girl. So, I guess Lindsay Lohan’s gonna be on the show soon.

6. On Wednesday, an Egyptian court ordered the release of disgraced former-leader Hosni Mubarak. Mubarak reportedly took one step outside, saw what was going on in that country, and decided to stay in prison.

7. On Wednesday, Microsoft unveiled a new ad-free Bing search engine for schools, in an attempt to gain ground on its rival Google. The ad-free Bing works great, if you type in “Google” it takes you right there.

8. UPS is planning on dropping 15,000 workers’ spouses from its health insurance package, citing higher costs due to Obamacare. Luckily, UPS has years of practice dropping packages.

9. Netflix shareholders failed to persuade a federal judge that the video streaming and rental company had misled them about the business prospects for its streaming operations. The judge reached this decision a few days ago, but the verdict was delayed due to buffering.

10. Media advocacy group GLAAD said in a report released on Wednesday, that fewer than 15 percent of major Hollywood films last year included gay characters. But GLAAD conceded that their numbers could be off because the “Lone Ranger” may have been full of gay characters but someone, anyone, would have had to seen it to know.

Monologue Jokes – August 21, 2013

1. It was announced on Tuesday that N’SYNC will reunite for a one-time only show during this weekend’s Video Music Awards on MTV. Of course this is all contingent upon Joey Fatone’s manager giving him the night off at the Sizzler.

2. It was announced on Tuesday that N’SYNC will reunite for a one-time only show during this weekend’s Video Music Awards on MTV. This marks the first time that band member J.C. Chasez will be back at the VMAs since 2004 when he was a seat filler.

3. LinkedIn said it will open its social networking site to those above 13 years of age in a move aimed at attracting a younger membership base. Great news for the tech-savvy, career-focused pedophile.

4. Los Angeles Angels slugger Albert Pujols has been shut down for the remainder of the baseball season due to an injured left foot. Just what the city of Los Angeles needs, another out-of-work Hispanic.

5. According to scientists, the carcasses of dozens of dolphins, seven times more than normal, have been washing up on beaches this summer. Experts don’t expect the dolphin carnage to stop anytime soon, noting that the NFL football season is right around the corner.

6. A man who hacked into Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook page to expose a software bug is getting donations from hackers around the world after the company declined to pay him under a program that normally rewards people who report flaws. So, if you notice a few bucks missing from your bank account, that’s where it went.

7. Boston Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster has been given a five-game suspension for “intentionally throwing at” New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez. Said the Yankees, “We are appalled by the actions of Ryan Dempster, we told him to make sure to put A-Rod out of commission by aiming at his head.”

8. Boston Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster has been given a five-game suspension for “intentionally throwing at” New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez. But the punishment seems awfully light since apparently you don’t have to serve MLB mandated suspensions anymore.

9. Boston Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster has been given a five-game suspension for “intentionally throwing at” New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez. Wait a minute, I get to hit A-Rod with a baseball AND not go to work for five days? Where do I sign up?

10. A Russian athlete denied on Tuesday that she had intended to show her disapproval of her country’s “anti-gay propaganda” law when she kissed a teammate on the lips on the winners’ podium at the Moscow world championships. You can read all about it in her upcoming obituary after she mysteriously disappears.