10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous, saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” “You think you lost parts of yourself,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

2. This week it was announced that the popular basketball video game ‘NBA LIVE 18’ will feature WNBA players for the first time ever. “Oh, no, MOTHER!” yelled Mike Pence:

3. French President Emmanuel Macron has backed away from officially recognizing the role of the first lady after nearly 300,000 people signed a petition against the move. And, since this is France, I assume the result is due to the country’s very strong mistress lobby.

4. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Brooklyn Nets, who went 20-62 last season, will play two games in Mexico next year. In response, the Mexican President said, “When America sends its people here, they’re not sending their best.”

5. This week, North Korea released a Canadian pastor after he was sentenced to life in prison two and a half years ago. Unfortunately, they released him to Guam.

6. While President Trump is vacationing in New Jersey, the White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. That story again, replacing soggy mattresses is more expensive than you thought.

7. A man who survived two days stranded in the Arizona desert, made it through by drinking beer and his own urine. When asked why he didn’t drink the six-pack of Mountain Dew he had, the man replied, “I wasn’t that desperate.”

8. According to a new report, the aviation industry could save $35 billion a year by moving to pilotless planes. Or, more likely, they’ll just start charging you an extra fee for having a pilot.

9. North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on Monday vowed to continue building his country’s nuclear arsenal and threatened to unleash “thousands-fold” revenge against the U.S. Coincidentally, “thousands-fold” is also Jong Un’s body-type:

10. Last week, millions of bubbles floated across Hong Kong’s Victoria Harbor as part of a public art exhibit. Oh, sure, when they do it it’s art, but when I do it I’m “no longer welcomed at that public pool.”

August 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Commerce Department announced a decision Tuesday to charge a tariff on aluminum foil imported from China. No word on what President Trump will make his hat out of now:

2. Yesterday, President Trump said his threat to bring “fire and fury” if North Korea continued to threaten the United States maybe “wasn’t tough enough.” As a result, Trump has upped his statement saying he will also bring “Laser and Gemini”:

3. On Wednesday, North Korea said President Trump cannot be reasoned with because he is “bereft of reason.” “I agree, but you can’t just talk about how terrible Trump is and expect to win, trust me, I know,” said Hillary.

4. French President Emmanuel Macron has backed away from officially recognizing the role of the first lady after nearly 300,000 people signed a petition against the move. And, since this is France, I assume the result is due to the country’s very strong mistress lobby.

5. On Thursday, former Donald Trump adviser Jason Miller announced that he and his wife of seven years are excited to welcome his new baby, who Miller fathered with a different woman, into the world. And the most shocking part of that story is that they guy who knocked up a woman while married to a different woman is a ‘former’ and not ‘current’ Trump adviser.

6. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ while speaking of President Trump’s distaste for reading intelligence briefings, one Trump confidant said, “The president has patience for a half a page … I call the president the two-minute man.” Which is still a full minute and a half longer than what Melania calls him.

7. President Trump on Thursday thanked Russian President Vladimir Putin for ordering the United States to slash its diplomatic staff in Russia. I think Trump’s exact words were “Thank you, sir, may I have another”:

8. President Trump said on Thursday he has not given any thought to the possibility of firing special counsel Robert Mueller. Hey, you had me at ‘President Trump hasn’t given any thought.’

9. Blue Point Brewing Company has introduced a new pilsner named “Delayed,” inspired by recent delays on the New York City subway system. It’s perfect because going in it takes your mind off the delays and coming out it smells like the subway.

10. The International Olympic Committee is reportedly considering adding video gaming to its roster of sports for the 2024 Olympic Games. But they gotta decide soon because it’s gonna take a long time to build a basement beneath Olympic Stadium.

11. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” Specifically her original lips, nose and ass.

12. A married mother of two in Michigan, who had sex with two teens after luring them with naked pictures on Snapchat, was sentenced to up to 15 years in prison. But, honestly, I’m just impressed that a married mother of two knows how to use Snapchat.

13. The New England Patriots are so confident that they are going to win this season that they have already begun selling postseason tickets. Not to be outdone, the Jets are so confident that they’re already booking postseason tee times.

14. The French have starting selling fresh oysters via vending machines. “Can you break a twenty?” asked a seal.

15. Russian President Vladimir Putin recently took a three-day fishing and hunting trip in the Siberian wilderness. Because there’s no real reason for Putin to come into the office when his employees are on vacation as well:

16. On Saturday, President Trump tweeted that his 17-day trip to his golf club in New Jersey is “not a vacation.” I think I speak for everyone when I say, please, vacations work both ways and we could really use one.

August 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Brooklyn Nets, who went 20-62 last season, will play two games in Mexico next year. In response, the Mexican President said, “When America sends its people here, they’re not sending their best.”

2. The International Olympic Committee is reportedly considering adding video gaming to its roster of sports for the 2024 Olympic Games. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, both of these men could be gold medal athletes:

3. This week, North Korea released a Canadian pastor after he was sentenced to life in prison two and a half years ago. Unfortunately, they released him to Guam.

4. An evangelical adviser to President Trump said the commander-in-chief has God’s authority to take out North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Said Trump, “Did God say anything about Rosie O’Donnell?”

5. An evangelical adviser to President Trump said the commander-in-chief has God’s authority to take out North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Which means Trump now has permission to cross off another item on his bucket list:

6. The doctor who discovered CTE believes that any parent who lets their kid play football should be charged with child abuse. He also considers it child abuse for any parent to raise their kid as a Jets fan.

7. Yesterday, in response to the North Korean situation, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said there is “no imminent threat” and that “Americans should sleep well at night.” Although, I think Tillerson is vastly overestimating how well Americans have been sleeping since January 20, 2017:

8. A fragrance company is selling a candle that they claim smells like New York City for $70. Because nothing says New York City like spending $70 on a candle.

9. Bruce Springsteen is headed to Broadway for an eight-week solo theater run. No word if the 8-week run will feature multiple shows or just one, long, normal-length Springsteen show.

10. Cheetos is launching a pop-up restaurant in New York City devoted to Cheetos-inspired dishes. Which explains this recent headline:

August 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” “You think you lost parts of yourself,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

2. While President Trump is vacationing in New Jersey, the White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. That story again, replacing soggy mattresses is more expensive than you thought.

3. A man who survived two days stranded in the Arizona desert, made it through by drinking beer and his own urine. When asked why he didn’t drink the six-pack of Mountain Dew he had, the man replied, “I wasn’t that desperate.”

4. The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated five years in space this week by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The story again, the Mars Curiosity Rover is apparently a divorced dad who lost custody.

5. Ten years after her orthodontic braces were removed, a piece of dental wire was found stuck inside an Australian woman’s small intestine. But, on the plus-side, her small intestine has never looked so straight.

6. Nevada’s so-called ‘Clown Motel,’ which contains 600 clown figurines, mannequins and paintings, is up for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to sleep another night in their life.

7. A man was busted at a Metallica concert in Arizona after allegedly urinating on family of three. Said the owner of the venue, “We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior unless, of course, R Kelly is playing.”

8. Over the weekend, a man and a woman were caught having sex at the Wisconsin State Fair. Even worse, there was a ‘You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride’ sign set up in front of her.

9. The town of Hamburg, New York has launched a campaign to rejuvenate an old water tower by painting it to resemble a hamburger. That story again, living in Hamburg, New York is exactly as excited as you think it is.

10. Last week, a 13-year-old boy in Connecticut woke up to find a skunk in his bed. That story again, Pepe Le Pew’s still at it:

August 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The CW’s upcoming superhero TV show “Legends of Tomorrow” will reportedly feature a Muslim superhero. And, just like Superman, she will be able to fly, but only after undergoing extra screening from the TSA.

2. According to a new report, the aviation industry could save $35 billion a year by moving to pilotless planes. Or, more likely, they’ll just start charging you an extra fee for having a pilot.

3. North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on Monday vowed to continue building his country’s nuclear arsenal and threatened to unleash “thousands-fold” revenge against the U.S. Coincidentally, “thousands-fold” is also Jong Un’s body-type:

4. Despite polling to the contrary, Monday morning the president tweeted that “the Trump base is far bigger and stronger than ever before.” And, looking at the evidence, it’s hard to disagree:

5. Actor Robert Pattinson is being praised by PETA for refusing to masturbate a dog for a recent movie role. Which, I guess explains, why Pattinson never got the role of Shaggy:

6. On Monday, a Twitter account that praised the president and was retweeted by Trump himself, was deleted after it was revealed to be a fake person. In response, Trump retweeted Eric hoping to get the same result.

7. According to a new study, women who have bigger butts are less susceptible to heart attacks, strokes and diabetes. So, I guess before he was knighted, he was Dr. Mix-a-Lot.

8. Fired U.S. Attorney for Manhattan, Preet Bharara, announced on Monday that he is starting a podcast. So, it turns out, no matter how powerful you are, everyone handles unemployment the exact same way.

9. A sex toy company has set up a pop-up a location in downtown Manhattan that allows women to try out $150 vibrators. Thus allowing men in the area to set up ‘pop-ups’ of their own.

10. According to a report, the immigrant great-grandmother of White House aide Stephen Miller, who is a vocal proponent instituting a language requirement on all U.S. immigrants, came to this country not speaking English. Although, I’m certain, if she were alive today, she’d definitely know the word ‘douchebag’:

August 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, Vice President Mike Pence called the rumors that he is preparing for a 2020 presidential run “offensive” and “disgraceful.” Pence was either upset or giving a sneak peak at a possible 2020 re-election slogan:

2. Over the weekend, Russian President Vladimir Putin stripped to his waist and went fishing in the Siberian wilderness. Which of course means Trump will have to redecorate the Lincoln bedroom:

3. On Saturday, President Trump tweeted that his 17-day trip to his golf club in New Jersey is “not a vacation.” “Maybe not for you,” said his staff that remained in D.C.

4. In a new interview, New York Knick Carmelo Anthony said he has had “great conversations” with the team and “they know what I’m looking for.” Yeah, we all do:

5. This week it was announced that the popular basketball video game ‘NBA LIVE 18’ will feature WNBA players for the first time ever. “Oh, no, MOTHER!” yelled Mike Pence:

6. A blind man in the U.K. was able to watch his favorite soccer team for the first time in twenty-seven years thanks to a new pioneering technology. “Have they developed the reverse technology?” asked Jets fans who can see.

7. Outgoing Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly gave his family a tour of the White House last week. Said Spicer, “I cried in that closet. I cried in that closet. See that bush of there? Cried in it.”

8. On Friday night, a Matchbox Twenty concert in Arizona was delayed due to bees. And then, to make matters worse, once the bees disappeared, the concert went on as planned.

9. Last week, millions of bubbles floated across Hong Kong’s Victoria Harbor as part of a public art exhibit. Oh, sure, when they do it it’s art, but when I do it I’m “no longer welcomed at that public pool.”

10. A soccer club in the U.K. has fired its cheerleaders for being too distracting. Although, to be fair, anything is distracting when the only other option is watching soccer.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. On Wednesday, White House aide Stephen Miller argued that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty does not matter because it was added at a later date. You know, like Tiffany:

2. Justin Bieber is reportedly taking a break from music to focus on religion. “We would have been a lot more excited about this news ten years ago,” said Catholic priests.

3. President Trump on Wednesday called the Russia sanctions bill he signed into law “significantly flawed.” Although, by now, you’d think Trump would be used to putting his name on things that are significantly flawed:

4. A new product lets men seal their urethras shut before sex to prevent pregnancy. It’s perfect for any guy who’s ever thought: Man, condoms are annoying, I’d rather just put some glue in my pee-hole.

5. Yesterday, the Kennedy Center Honors announced their 2017 inductees, which included TV producer Norman Lear. And, as a tribute to Lear’s most iconic character, Archie Bucker, President Trump will appear on stage as himself.

6. A new study has found that nightmares may be caused by getting too much sleep. “Oh, thank god, for a moment there I thought I actually ran for president,” said Ben Carson:

7. Yesterday, just ten days into his term as White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci was fired. Crazy to think that the most stable and secure job in this whole administration is as Trump’s wife.

8. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was spotted on a date Monday night with a mysterious blonde at Nobu. According to reports, the bill came to $570, no word on how much the dinner cost.

9. A Chicago woman is suing Greyhound for allegedly losing her luggage, which contained her mother’s ashes, while on a trip to Washington last year. Even worse, her mom was alive when the got on the bus.

10. Around thirty hot air balloons took to the skies in Italy on Saturday as part of what organizers refer to as the “most relaxed” event on the international ballooning calendar. Finally a day everyone can get away from the fast-paced, cutthroat, thrill-a-minute world of international ballooning, and just relax.

August 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, White House aide Stephen Miller argued that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty does not matter because it was added at a later date. You know, like Tiffany.

2. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbill, President Trump used the phrase “local milk people.” And, I’m not 100% sure Trump wasn’t trying to say “cows.”

3. Yesterday, the Kennedy Center Honors announced their 2017 inductees, which included TV producer Norman Lear. And, as a tribute to Lear’s most iconic character, Archie Bucker, President Trump will appear on stage as himself.

4. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, President Trump referred to himself as, “the world’s greatest person who does not want to let people into the country.” Which isn’t that impressive when you think about his competition for that title:

5. New Jersey police are searching for a man who was allegedly pleasuring himself during a recent screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’ Here is a police sketch of the suspect:

6. A viral video shows employees in China being forced to drink toilet water due to lackluster performances at work. Or maybe they work at the Mountain Dew factory and they’re just trying to come up with new flavors.

7. Today, President Trump will begin an extended 17-day vacation at his golf club in New Jersey. Because nothing makes you want to get back to work more than spending 17 days in New Jersey.

8. A day into her role as New Zealand’s opposition leader, Jacinda Ardern was twice asked about her plans for having babies. But that’s gonna happen when you give your Jewish mother press credentials:

9. Singer Gwen Stefani is reportedly working on a Christmas album with her boyfriend Blake Shelton. Yet another example of someone trying to put the coal industry out of business.

10. The TV show ‘Extra’ is replacing co-host Tracey Edmonds with Renee Bargh. Begging the question, are those real people or did I just make up those names? There’s really no way of knowing.

11. A teen in Louisiana got a hammer stuck in her mouth on a dare. Or, at least, that’s what MC Hammer told his wife when she walked in on them.

12. According to reports, ousted communications director Anthony Scaramucci is listed as dead in the Harvard Law School Alumni Directory. Say what you will about Trump, but when he handles a problem, he handles a problem.

13. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. That might seem like a very early announcement, but, if I know one thing about John Delaney, I would be shocked that I knew one thing about John Delaney.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles turned in one of the worst practices of his career by throwing five interceptions. “I know they were to the opposing team,” said Jets quarterbacks, “but what’s it like to throw a completion?”

15. An image has gone viral showing an employee of Europe’s budget airline EasyJet punching a passenger in the face while he was holding a baby. Said a United employee, “Dude, you completely missed the baby.”

16. A Connecticut man has been sentenced to 120 days in jail after police say he cut his pet fish in half. Also, now I’m suspicious about his claim that he also has siamese cats.

17. Due to an unforeseen increase in demand, the University of California had to rescind acceptance letters for nearly 500 students. “But, you kept their tuition checks, right?” said Trump University.

18. A 59-year old woman from central China transformed her appearance through plastic surgery in order to avoid $3.71 million of personal debts. Begging the question, exactly how much money does Renee Zellwegger owe?:

August 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Wednesday called the Russia sanctions bill he signed into law “significantly flawed.” Although, by now, you’d think Trump would be used to putting his name on things that are significantly flawed:

2. A new product lets men seal their urethras shut before sex to prevent pregnancy. It’s perfect for any guy who’s ever thought: Man, condoms are annoying, I’d rather just put some glue in my pee-hole.

3. According to a new study, smart people are more likely to stereotype others. Wow, this whole time I thought I was just a hateful bigot, turns out, I’m a genius.

4. The Natural History Museum in London is changing a dinosaur display after a 10-year-old boy pointed out an error. It’s crazy that at just 10-years-old you can already tell that he’s gonna be a virgin well into his 30’s.

5. Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci told ‘The Huffington Post’ that he still hadn’t met his newborn son, eight days after his birth. “That’s nothing,” said Trump, “I’ve been told Barron is like nine or ten years old already.”

6. Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci told ‘The Huffington Post’ that he still hadn’t met his newborn son, eight days after his birth. But, in Mooch’s defense, I’m sure he needs a little break from taking care of babies:

7. According to reports, Donald Trump almost played the president in ‘Sharknado 3,’ but ultimately the movie decided against it. That story again, the producers of a movie about flying sharks thought a President Trump was a step too far.

8. According to reports, President Trump is trying to impress new Chief of Staff John Kelly “by acting sharper in meetings and even rattling off stats.” Said Trump, “Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?”

9. A man was arrested yesterday after he allegedly broke into a New Jersey home, took off all his clothes and began washing dishes. Which, coincidentally, are two things my wife refuses to do.

10. In a new interview, actress Sofia Vergara said she can’t do pushups because of her “gigantic boobs.” “Ditto,” said Chris Christie.

August 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Justin Bieber is reportedly taking a break from music to focus on religion. “We would have been a lot more excited about this news ten years ago,” said Catholic priests.

2. According to a new survey, one in eight young people in the U.K. have never seen a cow in real life. And that number goes way if that cow is also a dentist:

3. A new study found that women are better at crowdfunding than men. Yeah, it’s called stripping.

4. A new study has found that nightmares may be caused by getting too much sleep. “Oh, thank god, for a moment there I thought I actually ran for president,” said Ben Carson:

5. Microsoft was forced to delete an Artificial Intelligence chat robot because, one day after introducing it to Twitter, it became a Hitler-loving, incest-promoting, 9/11 truther. That’s crazy, it took a full day?

6. It is being reported that many of President Trump’s Cabinet members attend a weekly Bible study meeting. But why read the book when you’re basically living the Old Testament? Trump is the golden idol, Priebus and Scaramucci are admittedly Cain and Abel, and there’s even a talking bush:

7. In an interview with ‘The Wall Street Journal’ President Trump said he asks foreign leaders how many people they have in their country. And then he always asks if they can fit one more:

8. According to science, ‘booty’ is the funniest word in the English language. Counterpoint:

9. Actor Tom Hiddleston is set to star in a new theater production of ‘Hamlet’ in London that will run for only three weeks. Or, as it’s known in the White House communications department, a fucking eternity.

10. Princess Diana shared intimate details of her ‘odd’ sex life with Prince Charles in a controversial tape that will be broadcast on British television this weekend. “Oh thank god,” said Trump after the Google alerts he set up for ‘head of state,’ ‘sex tape’ and ‘broadcast’ went off.