November 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The creators of the Lammily Doll, a realistic version of Barbie, are offering special sticker packs which allow kids to give the dolls acne, cellulite and tattoos. As a result, the makers of the Honey Boo Boo doll are suing for copyright infringement.

2. Yesterday, Oklahoma City Thunder forward and perennial All-Star Kevin Durant signed an endorsement deal with fast food chain Sonic. “Now you’re just trying to piss us off,” said Seattle basketball fans.

3. Over 80,000 people have signed a petition to have the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting” canceled in light of what the petition calls the Duggar family’s anti-gay stance. To show that they are gay friendly, TLC has launched a new show entitled “0 Kids and Antiquing.”

4. On Thursday, federal officials recalled 4.7 million strollers after reports of amputations. Which is ridiculous, because that’s when you’re gonna need a stroller the most.

5. Several students in Bangkok have been detained in recent days after flashing the signature anti-establishment, three-fingered salute from “The Hunger Games” to express their dissatisfaction with Thailand’s military rulers. Said the students, “Would you prefer one finger?”

6. According to the New York Post, GoDaddy is planning an initial public offering next year that would value the company at $4.5 billion. But, if company spokesperson Danica Patrick is any indication, they’ll be happy with $178 and a participation trophy.

7. According to a new study, rushing to put on a condom may lead to problems that raise the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling every girl from now on.

8. According to a new study, the most common age in America right now is 22. Which means Charles Manson could have done better.

9. Yesterday, San Francisco announced that it will bid for the 2024 Olympic Games. “That’s perfect, I won’t even have to travel,” said every male figure skater.

10. On Thursday, the NFL announced that the game between the Jets and the Bills will be moved from Buffalo to Detroit due to the snowstorm. The game will mark the first time in history that anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “I can’t wait to get back to Buffalo.”

11. The Niagara University women’s basketball team was stranded for 24 hours on a bus that was stuck on the highway during a massive winter snowstorm in western New York on Tuesday. Players said it was scary, but also educational because now they know how people feel when they come to one of their games.

12. A man in California is under arrest after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. But, in his defense, he did list “not stabbing people” as one of his weaknesses.

13. Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor learning how to spread the word of God. Which makes me seriously reconsider my stance on priests molesting boys.

14. Civil rights leader Al Sharpton sharply denounced a New York Times report that he is subject to $4.5 million in tax liens. And Sharpton has a pretty good point, because wouldn’t he need a job in order to be required to pay taxes?

15. A Florida woman and her daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital earlier this week. Or, as they refer to it in Florida, a normal Tuesday.

16. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. Unfortunately, the coroner died of a heart attack.

17. On Friday, the U.S. government said it is spending $425 million to build two super-computers, which would be the world’s fastest, for research into basic science as well as nuclear weapons. Experts believe it will take two whole months until they are both used primarily to look at pornography.

18. During a radio interview on Sunday, President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said Liberia has set a national goal of having no new cases of Ebola by December 25. So, if you’re a Liberian Ebola patient, you may want to reconsider attending the “party” the government just invited you to on December 24.

19. Boy Band One Direction joined some of music’s biggest names on Saturday to record a new version of the Band Aid charity song to raise money to fight Ebola in Africa. So, if you thought you were bleeding from the ears before…

20. Justin Bieber has reportedly met with a Rabbi to explore Judaism. Said Jews, “Thanks, but no thanks, we don’t need to be be blamed for anything else.”

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