November 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Despite settled Supreme Court precedent, President-elect Donald Trump proposed on Tuesday a penalty, including possible jail time or loss of citizenship, for burning the American flag. Which is ludicrous because some flags need to be burned:trump-flag

2. Emma Morano, thought to be the world’s oldest person and the last to be born in the 1800s, celebrated her 117th birthday on Tuesday. She celebrated by blinking.

3. On Tuesday, an 8-month-old baby was found unscathed in the middle of a highway in Arkansas, after being ejected from a car during a crash. Authorities called the baby a miracle while Casey Anthony called the baby a challenge.

4. Yesterday, a woman opened the emergency exit door and jumped out of a plane as it was taxiing down a runway in Houston. Said a representative for Delta, “In the future we won’t announce that ‘Batman v. Superman’ is our inflight movie until we’re actually in the air.”

5. An Ohio woman arrested in a prostitution sting told an undercover cop that her price for oral sex was $50 and a plate of nachos. Of course, it costs extra if you want to touch her taco.

6. One of Michelle Obama’s go-to fashion designers has announced she will refuse to dress incoming First Lady Melania Trump. Said Melania, “Any word from her speech writers?”

7. The provocative author who wrote a book alleging corruption between the Clintons and their philanthropy now says he sees similar conflicts of interest between Donald Trump and his business now that he’s President-elect. “Oh, now you do!” screamed Hillary Clinton into her rage pillow.

8. Last week, Juergen Klinsmann was fired as head coach of the U.S. men’s national soccer team. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a more sympathic way:referee

9. Last week, President-elect Donald Trump told ‘The New York Times’ that he “really likes” President Obama. Trump went on to say he finds Rosie O’Donnell “quite attractive.”

10. Sutter Home Winery sued Shmaltz Brewing Company on Monday, accusing the brewery of infringing its “Menage a Trois” trademark by selling a 12-pack of its beers with the “MANNAge a Trois” name. Oh come on, why don’t you two just kiss and make-up. Yeah, that’s nice, now smell her hair a little bit…

November 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It is being reported that when Tiger Woods returns to golf first time in fifteen months this week he will be sporting a new sponsor logo on his golf bag of Monster Energy. Woods presumably picked Monster because Hooters is already sponsoring John Daly.
 
2. Donald Trump is set to become the richest American president in history. Unless, of course, he opens up another casino between now and inauguration day.

3. Yesterday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway was serenaded in the lobby of Trump Tower by the Naked Cowboy. Or, as he will be known in a week, Secretary of State the Naked Cowboy.
 
4. According to a new study, teenage girls who get along with their mothers are more likely to wait longer to have sex. “Don’t you think Mia is kind of a bitch?” said Woody to Soon-Yi.
 
5. On Monday, New York Representative Chris Collins called Mitt Romney, a possible Secretary of State nominee, a “self-serving egomaniac.” Although, considering the man whose cabinet he’s trying to serve in, I’m not sure if that’s a criticism or an endorsement.

6. This week pornography website PornHub released its first music video. Which is great news for anyone who missed Pop-Up videos.

7. A 23-year-old man in the U.K. called a hospital due to his 17-hour long erection. But, to be fair, he was calling everybody.

8. There was a massive data breach at New York City’s Madison Square Garden last week. Hackers were able to access customers very sensitive, and in some cases embarrassing information, like the fact that some of them are Knicks season ticket holders.

9. A version of Jurassic Park featuring robotic dinosaurs is being built in Japan. So now Jeff Goldblum’s acting won’t be the only thing robotic about Jurassic Park.

10. A bank in China denied a man without arms a home loan because he was unable to provide fingerprints. Said the man, “For the love of God, can you at least please scratch my nose!”

November 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A mall Santa in Florida was fired after telling a 10-year-old girl that Hillary Clinton was “on the naughty list.” “That’s incorrect on so many levels,” said Bill.

2. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said on Sunday that he looks forward to welcoming President-elect Donald Trump to Canada. Said Trudeau, “After November 8th, I’ve gotten very used to welcoming Americans to Canada.”

3. Last week, Miss Piggy saved 90-year-old Tony Bennett from falling off a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float. So it’s gonna be really hard to tell when he finally goes senile: “A talking pig saved my life!” “Sure it did, grandpa, sure it did.”

4. President-elect Donald Trump has offered the post of Secretary of Housing and Urban Development to former presidential candidate Ben Carson. Well, you had a 50/50 chance, Omarosa.

5. A Florida woman was arrested for calling 911 nine times in one hour to complain about President-elect Donald Trump. So, heads up Hillary supporters, the cut-off is eight.

6. During a ceremony at the White House on Wednesday, where he handed out several Presidential Medals of Freedom, President Obama took time to roast recipient Michael Jordan. Which, according to history, means that in four years Jordan will be president.

7. Prostitutes in the U.K. have created a website to rate customers. The website is called Luber.

8. On Friday, Donald Trump’s transition team said the President-elect has recently spoken with the leaders of Greece, Hungary, Panama, Slovenia and Sweden. Although, to be fair, Trump’s calls to Hungary, Slovenia and Sweden were just attempts to find his next wife.

9. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet is on track to be the least experience in modern history. Which is crazy, because he hasn’t even given Omarosa and Chachi positions yet.

10. After Mike Pence was booed by a crowd-full of people while attending a performance of “Hamilton” in New York, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted his admonishment saying “the theater must be a safe place.” He’s right, last night I went to Phantom of the Opera and a chandelier fell on the audience. Check your permits Phantom. Not safe. Sad.

15 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Housing advocacy groups have alleged that a bank controlled by Steven Mnuchin, a top candidate to be President-elect Donald Trump’s Treasury secretary, engaged in discriminatory practices against blacks and Latinos. The same discriminatory actions were also listed under ‘Accomplishments’ in the resume Mnuchin submitted to the Trump team.
 
2. A 1,500-year-old stone tablet with the earliest known chiseled inscription of the Ten Commandments was sold at auction on Wednesday for $850,000. Said the proud new owner, “If this doesn’t get my neighbor’s hot wife’s attention, nothing will.”
 
3. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump does not want to live full-time at the White House, but instead, wake up in his own bed in Trump Tower. I assume he wants to wake up in his own bed so he, like many Americans, can at least for a split-second pretend like this was all just a bad dream.

4. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is asking for the top security clearance for his children. Which seems like a risky move by Trump because it means Eric and Don Jr. will be able to get close enough to hug him.

5. It is being reported that doctors are advising reality star Kim Kardashian against having a third baby. Presumably because then we’d only be one horseman shy.

6. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after getting a chopstick stuck in his penis. Said the man, “You’d think my fortune cookie would have said something about this.”

7. During a visit to the United Nations on Tuesday, a senior North Korean diplomat said his country does not care who the president of the United States is. And, according to last week’s election results, neither does this country. 

8. A 38-year-old man got a tattoo of President-elect Donald Trump on his left calf. Which is pretty smart, because he did it before it became mandatory.

9. According to insiders, President-elect Trump is so disgusted with Chris Christie’s handling of the Bridgegate scandal that he’s kicking the New Jersey governor out of his inner circle. Here’s what experts believe the process of kicking Christie out of the inner circle will look like:sumo

10. It was reported yesterday that President-elect Donald Trump spoke with Russian President Vladimir Putin on the phone. It was reportedly a pleasant phone call during which Trump congratulated Putin on his victory.

11. On Sunday, President-elect Donald Trump named RNC Chairman Reince Priebus as his Chief of Staff. Which is ridiculous, because Scott Baio literally has years of experience of being in charge.

12. A Manhattan woman is suing clothing company Zara after she found a dead rat sewn into her dress. Which means somewhere in the world Lady Gaga is just wearing a normal dress.

13. Tens of thousands of people have signed up to participate in a “Women’s March on Washington” to take place on the day after President-elect Donald Trump is inaugurated. Which explains President Trump’s agenda for his first day in office:agenda

14. Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey said she believes that Donald Trump has been humbled by his election victory. But, what I think she meant to say was, ”You get a czar! And you get a czar!”

15. Newsweek magazine was forced to recall 125,000 commemorative issues featuring Hillary Clinton on the cover with the headline “Madam President.” No word on what “High Times” magazine plans to do:high-times

November 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Housing advocacy groups have alleged that a bank controlled by Steven Mnuchin, a top candidate to be President-elect Donald Trump’s Treasury secretary, engaged in discriminatory practices against blacks and Latinos. The same discriminatory actions were also listed under ‘Accomplishments’ in the resume Mnuchin submitted to the Trump team.
 
2. A 1,500-year-old stone tablet with the earliest known chiseled inscription of the Ten Commandments was sold at auction on Wednesday for $850,000. Said the proud new owner, “If this doesn’t get my neighbor’s hot wife’s attention, nothing will.”
 
3. A&E announced that its hit TV show “Duck Dynasty” will end after five seasons. Presumably because no one on staff knows what comes after five.
 
4. In the past week, more than 20,000 people have donated to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name. He’s only in his 230th trimester, so it may not be too late.
 
5. This week, a 1,100 pound man in Mexico left his bed for the first time in a decade. That story again, a bed in Mexico broke.
 
6. According to a spokesperson, U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has spoken with nearly 30 foreign leaders since winning the election. But said he won’t make up his mind until the talent competition:universe

7. A congressionally-appointed panel on Wednesday called for the creation of a U.S. museum of women’s history, with preferred sites near Washington’s National Mall. Which finally explains why the Washington Monument looks like that.

8. Residents of a small town in Missouri are upset over a bondage club that operates right next to the local church. Yeah, you wouldn’t want the church-going kids to see images of people being tied-up and tortured:
jesus

9. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. “I like that idea, in fact, if you want to spend the next four years nowhere near Washington D.C. we’d be okay with that,” said half of America.
 
10. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. And also the weekdays. And also he doesn’t really want to be president.
 
11. New York’s Columbia University has suspended its men’s wrestling team as it investigates “racist, misogynistic and homophobic” text messages between team members. So let’s update the list:pad

12. According to a new poll, 75% of Americans were surprised when Donald Trump won the election. I trust those numbers, when have polls ever let us down before?

13. A 38-year-old British man set out on Sunday on a 2,000 mile swim across the Atlantic Ocean from Senegal to Brazil. Man, I really don’t understand how this Brexit thing works.

14. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. And, in related news, Hamilton’s lower leg is very sore today.

15. Experts say that parents may be able to reduce the chance that their children will develop peanut allergies by introducing the food early on, as young as four to six months of age. And, worst case scenario, it’s a great way to weed out the weak ones.

16. An Australian man linked to an outlaw biker gang has been arrested after police found a gun hidden in his butt. Said the man, “I’ve been looking all over for that!”

17. In a court motion on Friday, 79-year-old comedian Bill Cosby asserted that he intends to resume his stand-up career once litigation surrounding numerous sexual assault allegations against him draws to a close. Which I assume will be a nice treat for his fellow inmates.

18. Mabel Ball, a 108-year-old Illinois woman, who was born the same year the Cubs last won a championship, died only days after the team finally recaptured the World Series this year. “At this rate, I’m gonna live forever,” said Hazel Woods, a 110-year-old Browns fan.

19. A vibrator museum, chronicling the history of the sex toy, has opened up in San Francisco. The only to get into the museum is to first take a tour through the neighboring sex museum and come away unsatisfied.

20. In an interview with “60 Minutes,” President-elect Donald Trump said he’s “fine” with same-sex marriage remaining legal across the country. An opinion I think he’ll stick to unless someone’s stupid enough to tell him that also means two guys can get married.

November 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump does not want to live full-time at the White House, but instead, wake up in his own bed in Trump Tower. I assume he wants to wake up in his own bed so he, like many Americans, can at least for a split-second pretend like this was all just a bad dream.

2. On Wednesday, Republican President-elect Donald Trump rejected reports that he was trying to get top-level security clearances for his children. Because ‘children’ implies plural:trump-ivanka

3. A Pennsylvania judge on Wednesday rejected comedian Bill Cosby’s latest bid seeking the dismissal of criminal charges that he sexually assaulted a woman at his home in 2004. Although I bet Cosby keeps trying, because, if I know one thing about him, it’s that he doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

4. Singer Tony Bennett revealed in his new book that he ‘met’ his wife when her mother was still pregnant with her. Needless-to-say, Woody Allen is suing him for plagiarism.

5. Yesterday, rapper Iggy Azalea joked that she has “the best vagina in the world.” “I’ll be the judge of that,” said President-elect Trump loosening up his hand.

6. Mattel announced yesterday that they are making a version of Barbie based off of plus-size model Ashley Graham. “I thought I explained this to you, changing her body type isn’t gonna make a difference,” said Ken.

7. A new study has found that drinking a glass of wine before having a cigarette can help prevent some of the harm caused by smoking. So, at this point, Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb might as well take up smoking.

8. A new study has found the blood from teenagers can rejuvenate the body and brains of old mice. Although the method is risky, especially if Minnie catches Mickey with those teens.

9. Entertainment Weekly reported that actor Corey Feldman proposed to his girlfriend right after Donald Trump’s presidential victory. Smart move Corey, get ‘em when they’re most vulnerable.
 
10. It was announced yesterday that Paula Abdul, New Kids on the Block and Boyz II Men will all go on tour together next year. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

November 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is asking for the top security clearance for his children. Which seems like a risky move by Trump because it means Eric and Don Jr. will be able to get close enough to hug him.

2. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. Which means, come every Monday morning, he’ll have to shoo Hillary out from squatting in the Oval Office.

3. It is being reported that doctors are advising reality star Kim Kardashian against having a third baby. Presumably because then we’d only be one horseman shy.

4. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after getting a chopstick stuck in his penis. Said the man, “You’d think my fortune cookie would have said something about this.”
 
5. During a visit to the United Nations on Tuesday, a senior North Korean diplomat said his country does not care who the president of the United States is. And, according to last week’s election results, neither does this country.
 
6. Three Trump Place rental apartment buildings in New York City will be renamed after a group of residents started a petition take the name down. It’s the first time in Donald’s life his last name was legally dropped and he didn’t owe alimony.

7. A 38-year-old man got a tattoo of President-elect Donald Trump on his left calf. Which is pretty smart, because he did it before it became mandatory.

8. Students at the University of Virginia are asking the dean to stop quoting Thomas Jefferson in emails to the student body, despite the fact that he founded the school, because he owned slaves. Not to be outdone, the dean of Trump University also uses quotes from its school’s founder in his emails:email

9. Yesterday, People magazine named Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson as its Sexiest Man Alive. Which means Trump’s deportation list just got one name longer.

10. After her appearance Sunday on ’60 Minutes,’ Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company sent out an ‘Style Alert’ email advertising the $10,800 bracelet she wore on the show. And, in future news, welcome back to the State of the Union:qvc

November 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to insiders, President-elect Trump is so disgusted with Chris Christie’s handling of the Bridgegate scandal that he’s kicking the New Jersey governor out of his inner circle. Here’s what experts believe the process of kicking Christie out of the inner circle will look like:sumo

2. It was reported yesterday that President-elect Donald Trump spoke with Russian President Vladimir Putin on the phone. It was reportedly a pleasant phone call during which Trump congratulated Putin on his victory.

3. On Sunday, President-elect Donald Trump named RNC Chairman Reince Priebus as his Chief of Staff. Which is ridiculous, because Scott Baio literally has years of experience of being in charge.

4. On Sunday, Newt Gingrich said newly-appointed chief White House strategist and former head of Brietbart News Steve Bannon can’t be anti-Semitic because he used to work in finance and in Hollywood. “Ditto,” said Mel Gibson.

5. According to report, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson is entertaining the idea of jumping into the political ring, including perhaps even a run for the White House someday. Which would somehow still make him the second president to appear at Wrestlemania:trump-wrestling

6. A Manhattan woman is suing clothing company Zara after she found a dead rat sewn into her dress. Which means somewhere in the world Lady Gaga is just wearing a normal dress.

7. Republican Senator Ben Sasse of Nebraska moonlighted as an Uber driver over the weekend, giving his constituents rides around town Saturday night. Sassy said in light of last week’s election results, he wanted a back up job plan in case this whole democracy thing doesn’t pan out.

8. A groom in South Africa was rushed to the hospital on his wedding night after he ‘strangled’ his penis by putting his wedding ring on his member during foreplay. But, on the plus side, his penis counted as the couple’s something blue.

9. Login credentials for over 412 million users of adult websites run by California-based FriendFinder Networks were compromised last month in the largest hack of 2016. And, just out of habit, Anthony immediately called Huma to apologize.

10. A man in North Carolina admitted to stealing $1 from a bank so he could go to jail to get free healthcare. And, just like that, Trump has a replacement for Obamacare.

November 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering his son Donald Trump Jr. for a cabinet position. Begging the question, is Don Jr. more Uday or Qusay?

2. The Trump Organization said on Friday it was vetting new business structures aimed at transferring management control to three of President-elect Donald Trump’s children. “Which three?” said a hopeful Tiffany.

3. Tens of thousands of people have signed up to participate in a “Women’s March on Washington” to take place on the day after President-elect Donald Trump is inaugurated. Which explains President Trump’s agenda for his first day in office:agenda

4. Some Browns fans are planning a parade in Cleveland if the team goes a ‘perfect’ 0-16 this season. That’s crazy, there are still people who identify themselves as Browns fans?

5. Actor Alec Baldwin said he will not continue to play the character of Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live. No word on whether the real Donald Trump will continue to write material for the character.

6. Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey said she believes that Donald Trump has been humbled by his election victory. But, what I think she meant to say was, ”You get a czar! And you get a czar!”

7. Newsweek magazine was forced to recall 125,000 commemorative issues featuring Hillary Clinton on the cover with the headline “Madam President.” No word on what “High Times” magazine plans to do:high-times

8. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin for the position of Secretary of the Interior in his cabinet. You’d think, due to her previous comments, Trump would make her ambassador to Russia, but, so far, Trump’s been doing a good job of filling that role himself.

9. A man in Alabama bought a billboard that features his sex offender neighbor’s mugshot in an effort to get him to move. But, on the plus side, it let the neighborhood kids know which house had the best candy on Halloween.

10. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. So, if you’re over at Hamilton’s house, hungry and searching through his freezer, you better make damn sure that’s a pint of vanilla ice cream.

15 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, two bald eagles got stuck in a storm drain near Orlando, Florida. Authorities called it a peculiar situation while Democrats called it an apt metaphor.

2. A man in Britain has invented an app that helps men who suffer from premature ejaculation. The app is just a bunch of pictures of Anne Coulter.
 
3. After California legalized recreational marijuana use, rapper Snoop Dogg took to Twitter to celebrate the outcome. I’m just happy that Snoop finally gets to try pot for the very first time.

4. Scientists have discovered a new species of frog in Australia that flashes its genitals to ward off enemies. So maybe, just maybe, Anthony Weiner has been scared and trying to defend himself this whole time.

5. On Wednesday, Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf expressed concern about what President-elect Donald Trump’s policy toward African countries will be. Or, as Trump refers to them, the inner cities.

6. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was caught sneaking a peak at his wife Melania’s ballot while she was casting her vote. Which is not surprising, Trump has a long history of not trusting immigrants.

7. Last night Donald Trump won the state of West Virginia. Although it’s not too surprising that a man who has openly talked about how hot his own daughter is won over the residents of West Virginia.

8. Yesterday, a pregnant woman in Colorado stopped to vote on her way to the hospital to give birth. She said she voted for Hillary because she didn’t think she could handle two juvenile, cry-babies in her life.

9. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange said on Tuesday the group’s publication of material linked to Hillary Clinton was not based on any desire to influence the U.S. presidential election. Said Assange, “Come on, we’re not the FBI.”
 
10. In response to a recent Hillary Clinton rally, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he gets “bigger crowds” than Beyonce and Jay-Z. Said nervous Trump handlers, “He said ‘bigger’ right?”

11. Disgraced former-Congressman Anthony Weiner was spotted riding a horse at the rehab facility he checked into to address his sex addiction last week. “Easy fella,” said the horse to Weiner.

12. Donald Trump was rushed off a stage in Nevada on Saturday by Secret Service agents during a campaign speech after an incident in the crowd. The last time Trump left a room that quickly, Tiffany was being born.
 
13. Last week, the Madrid Wax Museum unveiled clay busts of U.S. presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. They also melted a bunch of clay to make one for Ted Cruz.

14. A Houston-area teacher is accused of punching a 2nd grader in the face. But, in the teacher’s defense, the kid reads at a 3rd grade level.

15. Two former associates of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were convicted on Friday for their roles in the “Bridgegate” scandal. Prosecutors were happy with the outcome but said they “had bigger fish to fry,” which is either a veiled threat that they will be coming after Chris Christie or an ingenious way to lure him in.