Monologue Jokes – May 31, 2013

1. Last night, Arvind Mahankali, a 13-year-old from New York won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The trophy will look great next to all of Arvind’s sports participation medals.

2. An 8-year-old Maryland boy, who was suspended from school for nibbling a snack into the shape of a gun, has been given a junior membership in the NRA. Because nothing says responsible gun owner like an 8-year-old boy who plays with his food.

3. An 8-year-old Maryland boy, who was suspended from school for nibbling a snack into the shape of a gun, has been given a junior membership in the NRA. So I’d say get used to being suspended from school kid.

4. According to reports, internet sensation Grumpy Cat could soon have a Hollywood movie built around her. This comes as great news to the makers of “Ishtar.”

5. According to reports, internet sensation Grumpy Cat could soon have a Hollywood movie built around her. “It’s the part I was born to play,” said Andy Rooney. (I know he’s dead, but can you think of a better person for that punchline? Yeah I didn’t think so.)

6. The defense team for George Zimmerman says it needs at least $70,000 to give their client “a fighting chance.” That seems like a lot of money just to bail out your client after he perjures himself on the stand.

7. According to a new survey, certain older antidepressants are linked with a greater chance of having erectile dysfunction. As if you weren’t already depressed enough.

8. Singer Adam Levine released a statement professing his love of this country after saying that he hated America on a recent episode of “the Voice” as a result of the audience voting off two of his singers. Which is funny, because the only time I hate America is when I’m forced to listen to a Maroon 5 song.

9. Pop singer Mariah Carey and rapper Nicki Minaj will follow in Randy Jackson’s footsteps and leave “American Idol.” Said Keith Urban, the last remaining judge, “Oh, that’s what my voice sounds like.”

10. Rock band Bon Jovi has waived its fee for a concert in recession-hit Spain next month so that cash-strapped fans can afford tickets. Said Spanish fans, “Haven’t we suffered enough?”

Monologue Jokes – May 30, 2013

1. On Wednesday, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann announced she will not run for re-election in 2014. Bachmann said she is excited to spend more time at home with her husband and his good friend Bruce.

2. On Wednesday, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann announced she will not run for re-election in 2014. When asked about his wife’s decision, Marcus Bachmann said he was “glad,” although he didn’t specify whether it was spelled with one or two d’s.

3. On Wednesday, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann announced she will not run for re-election in 2014. Said Bachmann, “I’m excited to spend more time with my family and hopefully see that Liberace movie my husband’s been raving about.”

4. On Wednesday, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced she will not run for re-election in 2014, but instead return to her life in Minnesota. So Washington D.C.’s loss is Minnesota’s even bigger loss.

5. James Lipton, longtime host of Bravo’s “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” recently revealed that he was a Parisian pimp for a brief period of time. That may explain the catchphrase he uses on the acting show, “Bitch better act right.”

6. The World Organization for Animal Health has upgraded the U.S.’s risk classification for mad cow disease to its safest level, which could increase U.S. beef exports. So it’s kind of a good news/bad news situation for cows.

7. Former Beatle Ringo Starr is set to release a photography book full of photos of the Fab Four in their heyday. The good news is the collection contains over 100 previously unseen photos of the band, the bad news is Ringo’s in all of them.

8. Teen pop star Justin Bieber is under investigation for allegedly speeding through his gated Los Angeles community in a sports car, prompting neighbors to complain to police. Although, in his defense, I’m sure it’s very hard for Justin to concentrate on the speedometer when there are that many mirrors around.

9. A study released on Wednesday showed that for years immigrants have paid far more into Medicare’s coffers than they have pulled out. But maybe if immigrants were better at pulling out we wouldn’t have such a big immigration problem to start with.

10. A new study concludes the odds of having a medical emergency on your plane are 604 to 1 and the chance of ending up at a different airport as a result are 8,500 to 1. But the numbers are a little skewed because if it’s the pilot who’s having the medical emergency you’re not gonna be landing anywhere.

11. Under mounting pressure from activists and advertisers, Facebook is ramping up efforts to stamp out hate speech, particularly depictions of violence against women. So kiss all those Chris Brown fanpages goodbye.

Monologue Jokes – May 29, 2013

1. According to research, exposure to pesticides and other chemicals is linked to an increased risk of developing Parkinson’s disease. So I guess the other boxers’ were soaking their gloves in pesticides, right Ali?

2. During a visit to the Jersey shore, Governor Chris Christie won a teddy bear for President Obama at a boardwalk game booth. I guess we know who wears the extremely oversized pants in that relationship.

3. On Tuesday, Nike announced that it will stop making products for the Livestrong Foundation at the end of this year. Looks like it’s back to making iPods, Chinese kids.

4. The National Spelling Bee will now require contestants to not only know the correct spelling, but also the definition of each word. “More things to study, but that will cut into my social life,” said none of the contestants.

5. Retail giant Wal-Mart pled guilty to multiple counts of violating the Clean Water Act and will be forced to pay $82 million as a result. When reached for comment, Wal-Mart customers said, “What’s water? Is it like Mountain Dew?”

6. Actor Rob Lowe will portray assassinated President John F. Kennedy in a television movie based on a book by TV news commentator Bill O’Reilly. Gotta admit, not the outcome I was hoping for from a sentence that contained the words “assassinated” and “Bill O’Reilly.”

7. U.S. prosecutors have filed an indictment against the operators of digital currency exchange Liberty Reserve, accusing the Costa Rica-based company of helping criminals launder money. “What the fuck!?!” said the Cayman Islands.

8. According to a new poll, disgraced former Rep. Anthony Weiner is gaining ground in the New York City mayoral race. Here’s your headline NY Post, “Weiner’s Poll Rising.”

9. New York police say they’ve found no evidence corroborating a claim by actress Amanda Bynes that she was sexually harassed after police were called to her apartment. Although police say Drake remains a person of interest.

10. Some U.S. retailers are replacing salespeople with a smartphone app that tracks customers’ locations in the store and sends them offers and recommendations. And now begins the work by Republicans of building a wall to keep apps out.

Monologue Jokes – May 28, 2013

1. According to a new study, more babies born via cesarean section grow up to be heavy kids and teens than those delivered vaginally. Although, this seems like it might be a “chicken or the egg” type of problem.

2. A controversial Japanese politician apologized Monday for suggesting that U.S. military service members should use the adult entertainment industry in Japan to relieve sexual frustration and reduce aggression. Even more offensive, that politician was actually Bill Clinton using his fingers to make his eyes look Asian.

3. Parents of a 15-year-old Chinese tourist have apologized after the teenager defaced a stone sculpture in an ancient Egyptian tomb with graffiti. But, in his defense, the tomb was pretty “gay-balls.”

4. Ed Shaughnessy, the longtime drummer for “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,” has died at the age of 84. His last words were reportedly “There’s Johnny.”

5. During his keynote speech at the Google I/O developers conference, co-founder Larry Page said he wants to focus on getting more women involved in the tech industry. Apparently, Larry and I are not frequenting the same websites.

6. On Monday, News Corp. said it is still reviewing its records for any notification from the U.S. government involving a subpoena for a Fox News reporter’s phone records. Adding, “This may take some time, this whole going through actual evidence thing is completely new to us.”

7. Yesterday, the NYPD shutdown the Brooklyn Bridge to inspect an abandoned SUV that did not have plates nor a vehicle identification number. Even more concerning said New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the Big Gulp found in the front seat.

8. Last night, in her WNBA debut, number one overall pick Brittany Griner dunked the basketball. This begs the question, if someone dunks a basketball and no one is around to see it, does it matter?

9. James Sisnett, the second oldest man alive at the age of 113 has died. Police have one suspect.

10. A popular Memphis restaurant turned away San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker when he arrived for dinner without a reservation. The restaurant owner said he didn’t deny Parker because the Spurs were playing the hometown Memphis Grizzlies in the NBA Playoffs, but, instead, because he’s French.

11. An airline passenger who attempted to open an emergency door during a flight Monday morning has been arrested. But, in his defense, the plane was showing a Tyler Perry movie.

12. An airline passenger who made “unusual statements” and attempted to open an emergency door during a flight Monday morning has been arrested. Those “unusual statements”? “Wow, we took off on time, everyone’s been so courteous and look at all this legroom!”

13. Actress Amanda Bynes appeared in court on Friday to deny charges of possessing marijuana and tossing a bong out the window of her 36th floor Manhattan apartment. Some are comparing her to troubled actress Lindsay Lohan, but the comparison seems off since Bynes is throwing away things that actually belong to her.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. In a historic decision, the Boy Scouts of America have voted to allow openly gay youths into the scouts. Gay scouts? What’s next, allowing them to tie a knot?

2. During his Webby Award acceptance speech, Steve Wilhite, the creator of the GIF, revealed that it’s actually pronounced JIF. Adding, “Dear God, I’ve wasted my life.”

3. On Thursday, an 80-year-old Japanese man, accompanied by his son, became the oldest man to reach the top of Mt. Everest. But now comes the hard part, dragging the casket down the mountain.

4. The Army is planning on launching a new reality TV program aimed at recruiting 18- to 24-year-olds to enlist in the military. I thought we already had that and it was called NASCAR.

5. The Army is planning on launching a new reality TV program aimed at recruiting 18- to 24-year-olds to enlist in the military. The Army’s original reality show plan of waiting for the babies in “Teen Mom” to grow-up was talking too long.

6. According to a new study, teens who have a classmate die of suicide are more likely to consider taking their own lives. Okay, which one of Justin Bieber’s schoolmates want to take one for the team?

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is being accused of trying to bolster his national image by appearing in a federally funded New Jersey tourism ad. But, in this defense, New Jersey is a small state and it’s nearly impossible to film anything there without some part of Christie’s body being in frame.

8. A custom-made electric guitar played by the late John Lennon and George Harrison of the Beatles sold at auction on Saturday for $408,000. It would have sold for more, but Yoko Ono played it once.

9. On Tuesday, Seth MacFarlene announced he would not return as the host of the Oscars next year. Said MacFarlene, “If I want to be in a room full of secretly gay, in-the-closet, Hollywood types, I’ll find a house of mirrors.”

10. Nebraska Attorney General Jon Bruning on Wednesday filed a petition to revoke the license of the only nurse at a controversial abortion clinic in the state for allegedly providing substandard care. And it seems like Bruning may have a case because all the babies are alive (or dead, whichever is funnier).

Monologue Jokes – May 24, 2013

1. Former “Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham, who currently has a sex-tape out, announced via Twitter that she has a new reality show in the works. Abraham knows that “Keeping up with the Kardashians” is just a title and not instructions, right?

2. In a historic decision, the Boy Scouts of America have voted to allow openly gay youths into the scouts. Gay scouts? What’s next, allowing them to tie a knot?

3. In a historic decision, the Boy Scouts of America have voted to allow openly gay youths into the scouts, but the ban on gay adult leaders will remain. So don’t quit your day jobs just yet, priests.

4. While in Cannes, actor/comedian Jerry Lewis reiterated his opinion that women aren’t funny by saying that he is bothered by women doing “broad” comedy. I know it’s wrong, but I wish muscular dystrophy was contagious.

5. While in Cannes, actor/comedian Jerry Lewis reiterated his opinion that women aren’t funny by saying that he is bothered by women doing “broad” comedy. Looks like someone’s never seen a little show called “Suddenly Susan.”

6. In a recent interview with Esquire magazine, Brad Pitt revealed that he thinks he suffers from face blindness, a disease that prevents people from remembering the faces of others. The whole adopting a kid from each continent makes a little more sense now.

7. A female protestor advocating the closure of Gitmo interrupted a speech being given by President Obama which was supporting the same position. Proving that women aren’t great listeners either.

8. McDonald’s announced that Charles Ramsey, the man who helped rescue the three Cleveland women held captive, will get free McDonald’s from his local restaurant for the next year. Which may explain why Chris Christie has been seen breaking into random basements around New Jersey.

9. Johnson & Johnson plans to seek approval of a new depression-treating drug which contains ketamine, which is the active ingredient in the mood-altering party drug known as “Special K.” In an unrelated story, J&J plans to open a new glo-stick division.

10. According to a new study, people who had used marijuana in the past month had smaller waists and lower levels of insulin resistance, a precursor to diabetes. Seems like we could have bypassed this entire study by just looking at a picture of Snoop Dogg.

11. According to a recent poll, the least popular country in the world is Iran. The most popular country? That whore France.

Monologue Jokes – May 23, 2013

1. During his Webby Award acceptance speech, Steve Wilhite, the creator of the GIF, revealed that it’s actually pronounced JIF. Adding, “Dear God, I’ve wasted my life.”

2. Eric Garcetti won the Los Angeles mayoral race, and will become the city’s first elected Jewish mayor. When reached for comment, Garcetti’s mother said, “You should meet my other son, he’s a doctor!”

3. On Thursday, an 80-year-old Japanese man, accompanied by his son, became the oldest man to reach the top of Mt. Everest. But now comes the hard part, dragging the casket down the mountain.

4. Nebraska Attorney General Jon Bruning on Wednesday filed a petition to revoke the license of the only nurse at a controversial abortion clinic in the state for allegedly providing substandard care. And it seems like Bruning may have a case because all the babies are alive (or dead, whichever is funnier).

5. Twitter unveiled technology to boost security for its users, following a spate of attacks on accounts of prominent media outlets including the AP, the Financial Times and The Onion, begging the question, how do you know when The Onion has been hacked?

6. Twitter unveiled technology to boost security for its users, following a spate of attacks on accounts of prominent figures. This move now forces PR agents to come up with a new go-to excuse when one of their clients tweets something borderline racist.

7. British CNN host Piers Morgan is writing a book about his career, his job as a news anchor and his interviews with Hollywood stars and world leaders. The book is said to be on hold until Morgan interviews anyone who could be considered a Hollywood star or world leader.

8. On Thursday, Johnson & Johnson announced plans to submit more than 10 new products for approval by 2017, including drugs to treat hepatitis C and schizophrenia and vaccines for flu, rabies and polio. So congratulations J&J on developing vaccines for things that have already been cured.

9. The 16th season of “Dancing with the Stars” came to a close Tuesday night with former “American Idol” contestant Kellie Pickler taking home the top prize. It’s not a good sign that I can’t decide if that’s a high-point or low-point for “American Idol.”

10. On Friday, four federal government agencies, the IRS, EPA, HUD and White House Office of Management and Budget, will close their doors due to a day-long government-mandated furlough. Or, as it was reported by Texas Governor Rick Perry, the IRS, EPA, HUD and the ugh, what’s the fourth one?

Monologue Jokes – May 22, 2013

1. The Army is planning on launching a new reality TV program aimed at recruiting 18- to 24-year-olds to enlist in the military. I thought we already had that and it was called NASCAR.

2. The Army is planning on launching a new reality TV program aimed at recruiting 18- to 24-year-olds to enlist in the military. The Army’s original reality show plan of waiting for the babies in “Teen Mom” to grow-up was talking too long.

3. On Tuesday, the jury in the Jodi Arias trial heard arguments regarding whether the death penalty should be imposed. Arias addressed the jury saying, “You have a difficult decision before, whether someone should live or die, and I sympathize because I’ve been there.”

4. On Tuesday, Seth MacFarlene announced he would not return as the host of the Oscars next year. Said MacFarlene, “If I want to be in a room full of secretly gay, in-the-closet, Hollywood types, I’d find a house of mirrors.”

5. According to a new study, teens who have a classmate die of suicide are more likely to consider taking their own lives. Okay, which one of Justin Bieber’s schoolmates want to take one for the team?

6. Arkansas’ state treasurer resigned on Tuesday, a day after federal authorities charged her with extortion. Good luck finding anyone in Arkansas who can count to replace her.

7. A Chinese business man has paid a world record $395,000 for a Belgian pigeon. In response, Mike Tyson is attempting to teach his pigeons to speak Belgianese.

8. According to a new study, people will choose larger portions of food if they are labeled as being “healthier.” The study was conducted anywhere but the U.S.

9. According to a new study, young adult drivers who usually get less than six hours of sleep per night are more likely to crash than those who sleep in. Proving my theory that asian women don’t sleep much.

10. David Beckham’s eldest son Brooklyn is part of a prestigious soccer academy and bookmakers are now offering odds that Brooklyn will emulate his father and play for England. Bookmakers are also offering less attractive odds that Brooklyn will emulate his mother and start an all girl pop-band and be a spiteful bitch.

Monologue Jokes – May 21, 2013

1. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is being accused of trying to bolster his national image by appearing in a federally funded New Jersey tourism ad. But, in this defense, New Jersey is a small state and it’s nearly impossible to film anything there without some part of Christie’s body being in frame.

2. The Prague Transport company Ropid wants to set aside cars on some of its trains as a meeting place for singles seeking a soul mate. The cars would be ideal for the woman tired of the single bars scene who wants creepy single guys to know where she lives.

3. Former Baylor Lady Bears and openly gay basketball player Brittney Griner was told by her college head coach to be quiet about her sexual orientation while at school. I, for one, watch a lot of womens college basketball and was not shocked when Griner revealed that she liked women, but that’s only because I thought she was a man this whole.

4. During Sunday night’s 2013 Billboard Music Awards, R&B singer Miguel attempted to leap over a group of fans while performing, but accidentally kicked a woman in the face. But it’s not all bad news, now he’s going out with Rihanna.

5. Microsoft is expanding its services for hosting and processing online data to Australia with the establishment of two new “cloud” computing data centers in the country. Wow, I didn’t know there were that many Indian people in Australia.

6. Nearly 13,000 healthcare employees, including several plastic surgeons, at five University of California medical centers plan to strike on Tuesday. No word yet on whether this year’s “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” will go on as planned.

7. Local media reported on Monday that South African Paralympic champion Oscar Pistorius will not compete in any events this year. But if you do decide to go to any track and field events this year maybe lock the bathroom stall door just to be safe.

8. Local media reported on Monday that South African Paralympic champion Oscar Pistorius will not compete in any events this year. But just to be safe all the starter guns are being replaced with a guy yelling “Go!”

9. Under a plan approved by a Congressional panel on Monday, high-tech systems for tracking the movements of immigrants when leaving the U.S. would be installed at major U.S. airports. Hey, my dog’s got on of those microchips too, even better, now we can install an invisible border fence.

10. Over the weekend, soccer star David Beckham gave a tearful goodby to his fans during his final home game. Man, just when you thought soccer couldn’t get any gayer.

Monologue Jokes – May 20, 2013

1. A custom-made electric guitar played by the late John Lennon and George Harrison of the Beatles sold at auction on Saturday for $408,000. It would have sold for more, but Yoko Ono played it once.

2. The Yahoo board has reportedly approved a deal to pay $1.1 billion in cash for the blogging site Tumblr. So congrats Yahoo, hope you like porn.

3. A 27-year-old woman has made history by becoming the first Saudi woman to climb Mount Everest, and, in the process, fulfilled her lifelong goal of being stoned-to-death atop Mount Everest.

4. A 27-year-old woman has made history by becoming the first Saudi woman to climb Mount Everest. She also now holds the title of being the hairiest woman to climb the mountain.

5. The Christian Broadcasting Network is apologizing on behalf of “The 700 Club” host Pat Robertson, who, in response to a viewer’s question about forgiving her adulterous husband, seemed to condone adultery in men. But, in his defense, what kind of advice did you expect to get from an 83-year-old man who blamed Hurrican Katrina on America’s abortion policy and the 2010 Haiti earthquake on a pact the Haitian people made with the devil. (ALL TRUE)

6. The nightclub dancer at the center of former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s sex trail told a courtroom that guests at the tycoon’s parties dressed up as nuns and nurses. “Do you have to be born in Italy to run for Prime Minister?” said Bill Clinton.

7. An Australian politician suffered gashes to one of his legs after a close encounter with a kangaroo. Said witnesses, “Oh, that’s what a walking stereotype looks like.”

8. According to a CNN survey released Sunday, President Obama’s approval rating rose from 51% to 53% over the past month. Proving, once again, that Americans don’t listen to the news.

9. Michael Jackson’s nephew revealed Thursday that when he was molested as a child, the pop star “was a support system for me.” Adding, “Michael was very concerned and wanted to hear my entire story, down to every painful detail. And he was so outrage that every one of our phone conversations ended with Michael saying, ‘I’ve finished.'”

10. A single winning ticket for the record Powerball lottery jackpot worth $590.5 million was sold in the small town of Zephyrhills in Western Florida, but the winner has yet to come forward. So if you’re reading this, or just able to read in general, you probably didn’t win.