1. Last night, Arvind Mahankali, a 13-year-old from New York won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The trophy will look great next to all of Arvind’s sports participation medals.
2. An 8-year-old Maryland boy, who was suspended from school for nibbling a snack into the shape of a gun, has been given a junior membership in the NRA. Because nothing says responsible gun owner like an 8-year-old boy who plays with his food.
3. An 8-year-old Maryland boy, who was suspended from school for nibbling a snack into the shape of a gun, has been given a junior membership in the NRA. So I’d say get used to being suspended from school kid.
4. According to reports, internet sensation Grumpy Cat could soon have a Hollywood movie built around her. This comes as great news to the makers of “Ishtar.”
5. According to reports, internet sensation Grumpy Cat could soon have a Hollywood movie built around her. “It’s the part I was born to play,” said Andy Rooney. (I know he’s dead, but can you think of a better person for that punchline? Yeah I didn’t think so.)
6. The defense team for George Zimmerman says it needs at least $70,000 to give their client “a fighting chance.” That seems like a lot of money just to bail out your client after he perjures himself on the stand.
7. According to a new survey, certain older antidepressants are linked with a greater chance of having erectile dysfunction. As if you weren’t already depressed enough.
8. Singer Adam Levine released a statement professing his love of this country after saying that he hated America on a recent episode of “the Voice” as a result of the audience voting off two of his singers. Which is funny, because the only time I hate America is when I’m forced to listen to a Maroon 5 song.
9. Pop singer Mariah Carey and rapper Nicki Minaj will follow in Randy Jackson’s footsteps and leave “American Idol.” Said Keith Urban, the last remaining judge, “Oh, that’s what my voice sounds like.”
10. Rock band Bon Jovi has waived its fee for a concert in recession-hit Spain next month so that cash-strapped fans can afford tickets. Said Spanish fans, “Haven’t we suffered enough?”