June 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is Mel Brooks’ 90th birthday. Or, as it is more commonly known, Jewish Christmas, the day our messiah was born.

2. Burger King has introduced a new menu item called Mac & Cheetos which is macaroni and cheese covered in Cheetos dust and deep fried. Which, coincidentally, is what Donald Trump tells his make-up girl to do to his face every morning.

3. Roy Hodgson, English soccer’s head coach, resigned on Monday following the country’s 2-1 Euro 2016 loss to Iceland. “What a baby, resigning just because something didn’t go his way,” said David Cameron.

4. For the fifth time in the past four years the A/C unit was stolen from a black history museum in St. Louis. But, in the thief’s defense, he claims he was just emancipating it.

5. A man named Ronald McDonald was shot outside of a Sonic restaurant in North Carolina last week. Said the man, “This is my nightmare.”

6. In a new interview, comedian Chelsea Handler revealed that she had two abortions when she was 16. Back then, ‘Chelsea Lately’ refer to her period.

7. British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned after England voted to leave the European Union. “Resign? Is that even allowed?” ask Queen Elizabeth.

8. On Friday, following the Brexit vote, actress Lindsay Lohan, who has taken up residence in London for a play, sent 31 tweets in two hours panning England’s decision to leave the E.U. and close off its borders. Although, I have to believe Lindsay immigrating and living in London had something to do with that vote.

9. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. Say what you will, but they will never run out of creamer.

10. A Pennsylvania man who claimed for years to have escaped from Auschwitz, met track and field star Jesse Owens and Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, confessed on Friday that he had fabricated the entire story. Who knew Brian Williams was from Pennsylvania?

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