July 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump recently questioned efforts in communities across the country to ban plastic straws saying that plastic plates and wrappers pose a bigger threat. Although I remember a time, not that long ago, that he wasn’t that opposed to plastic: 

2. A Belgian man sat on a toilet for nearly five days this week in a bid to set a world record. That record, world’s worst roommate. 

3. New York City introduced a bill to the city council Tuesday that would bar mobile carriers from sharing people’s cell phone location data. Or, you could just switch to Sprint and then you won’t have service anywhere anyway.

4. A husband in Georgia died just twelve hours before his wife of 71 years died. Said the dead husband in heaven, “Can’t i just get one fucking day to myself?!?!” 

5. According to reports, Rudy Giuliani is serving as President Trump’s lawyer for free. And, from what I’ve seen, Trump is still being overcharged.

6. According to reports, Walmart and Nordstroms are building stores that don’t sell anything. “I guess we were just ahead of our time,” said Radio Shack.

7. The FDA has released a new anti-vaping ad that features a street magician performing a trick that turns e-cigarettes into traditional cigarettes. Although, a better way to discourage teens from vaping, would be a trick that turns a teen with an e-cigarette into a street magician.

8. Dante, a 104-year-old bar and restaurant in New York City, was named the World’s Best Bar. And, in related news, the world’s worst bar remains William:

9. Two-year-old twins joined at the head underwent successful surgery at a British hospital to separate their skulls and brains on Tuesday. Thus leaving Eric and Don Jr. as the last pair of siblings still sharing one brain.

10. Last week, the CEO of Siemens said that President Trump is becoming a symbol of intolerance. This marks the first time since the blue dress the semen has betrayed a president.

11. Last week, President Trump said he wouldn’t be watching Robert Mueller’s congressional testimony because, “you can’t take all those bites of the apple.” But, to be fair, for Trump, one bite of an apple is too many.

12. North Korean state media released images Tuesday of leader Kim Jong Un inspecting what appeared to be a submarine under construction. Not to be outdone, the White House also released a picture of President Trump inspecting a sub:

13. A Facebook-style social network was launched in Vietnam on Tuesday, following calls by the government for domestic tech companies to create alternatives to U.S. tech giants Facebook and Google. “I’m back, baby!” said Tom from MySpace.

14. After a possible suicide attempt, accused pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was found injured inside his cell on Thursday. But, much like trying to have sex with a women above the legal age of consent, Epstein couldn’t finish the act

15. Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Hey Bernie, I’m no expert, but if you want to convince Trump I’d recommend showing a little contrition, admitting guilt, and using a much smaller word than ‘commute.’

16. People are speculating that 52-year old rapper Diddy is dating Steve Harvey’s 22-year-old daughter. And I have to admit, I see the resemblance:

17. Last week, a video went viral from Denver, Colorado where a bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary. So I think we found the next Smokey the Bear.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Stevie Wonder told thousands of fans watching him perform in London on Saturday night he is due to have a kidney transplant in September. Even more disconcerting, he’s doing the surgery himself.

2. A couple from New York is suing a fertility clinic after a woman gave birth to other couples’ babies because of an IVF mixup. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said President Trump:

3. This week, Oklahoma teens scavenging for frogs made a grisly discovery: a human leg with the shoe still attached. “Has anyone called ‘dibs’ on that shoe?” asked Heather Mills.

4. The House of Representatives voted on Tuesday to condemn President Trump for “racist comments” against four minority Democratic congresswomen. So problem solved. 

5. According to a new study, pear-shaped women are healthier than apple shaped women. But still both are still much healthier than the husbands who classified their wives as either apple or pear-shaped:

6. According to a new study, women who are more likely to develop heart disease when they carry excess fat around their midsection than when they store more fat in their hips and thighs. Which is why I now refer to him as Dr. Sir Mix-a-Lot.

7. The Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park is on track for a record number of eruptions this year. Geologists plan to slow down the eruptions by using coolant, adding salt, and getting the geyser to think about baseball.

8. Last week, Ford announced will sell a version of its Ford GT supercar for $1.2 million, but it won’t be legal to drive them on public roads.  And, in related news, the Ford Fiestas remains street-legal, although you probably shouldn’t drive them on the roads because people may see you.

9. President Donald Trump warned Iran on Wednesday against making threats that can “come back to bite you like nobody has been bitten before.” “Nobody? Really?” said the ghost of Seigfred.’’

10. According to a new study, men who eat at least two servings a week of yogurt may be lowering their risk for colorectal cancer. Begging the question, how exactly are they eating that yogurt?

11. According to a new study, during their first year of college, men gain twice as much weight as women. Which explains all of Chris Christie’s diplomas: 

12. Spanish scientists have found that frozen sperm samples are still viable after exposure to simulated space flight. Those proving there is literally no place women are safe.

13. During his Fourth of July speech, President Trump declared that the U.S. Army took over the airports during the Revolutionary War. Which I guess explains why there we no flights on July 4th. 1776.

14. A life-size rough wooden sculpture of first lady Melania Trump was unveiled near her hometown of Sevnica in southeastern Slovenia last week. I don’t have a joke for this, I just really want you to see this masterpiece:

15. President Trump said Sunday he wants members of the press to “go in and see” migrant detention centers. That story again, Trump is asking reporters to go to detention centers, or, as it’s more commonly known, a trap.

16. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday he saw no chance of the U.S. defaulting on debt payments. Begging the question, at what point do we stop underestimating President Trump?:

17. Upon noticing a a fly while giving a speech in the White House on Thursday, President Trump said “How did a fly get into the White House?” “Right back at you,” said the fly.

July 1, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, openly gay presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said statistically it’s “almost certain” the United States has already had a gay president. “I knew it!” said Dolly Madison.

2. In a new interview, openly gay presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said statistically it’s “almost certain” the united States has already had a gay president. Which explains the first draft of the Declaration of Independence which read, “All men are created equal, except for Chad, holy shit, God went above and beyond with him!”

3. A Texas school district has fired a teacher after she allegedly made pornographic films in classrooms outside of school hours. That story again, Trevor the class hamster has seen some shit:

4. President Trump held a rally in Orlando last week to officially launch his re-election campaign. So finally something has the potentially to replace the Challenger as the least successful Orlando launch. 

5. Iranian lawmakers chanted “Death to America” during a parliament session on Sunday after a speaker accused the United States of being the “real world terrorist.” And I think I speak for all Americans when I say, “How did you get your Congress to agree on something?” 

6. According to a new study, young men with a fast-food heavy diet have a lower sperm count than their healthier-eating counterparts. “Still more proof that that’s not my kid,” said Ronald McDonald:

7. This week, Cuba opened its first ever sex shop. Which explains the new rafts Cuban refugees have been using: 

8. Federal authorities seized over 16 tons of cocaine Tuesday from a large ship in Philadelphia. To give you a better sense of how much that it, this is what 16 tons of cocaine looks like:

9. Senator Amy Klobuchar unveiled on Tuesday a 137-point list of priorities she would address in her first 100 days in office if elected president. Number one on that list, opening an investigation into how Amy Klobuchar got elected president.

10. Authorities in the Dominican Republic say David Ortiz was not the intended target of the murder-for-hire plot that ended with the former Red Sox star being shot. In fact, the assassin had such bad aim he’s now pitching for the Mets.

11. President Trump said on Sunday that if he could have one “do-over,” it would be Jeff Sessions. And no one was more surprised by that answer than Eric Trump.

12. Sunday night, over the span of thirty-six minutes, two of the Flying Wallendas crossed Times Square by walking on a high wire 25-stories high. They would have made the crossing quicker, but they got stuck behind a family of four from Topeka, Kansas taking in the sights:

13. Bill Cosby filed an appeal of his sexual assault conviction, arguing that it was flawed because the testimony of five accusers was “strikingly dissimilar” to that of Andrea Constand. So, let me get this right, Bill Cosby’s defense is “that’s not how I do my rapes”?

14. According to a new United Nations report, India is set to overtake China as the world’s most populous country in less than a decade. “We’ll see,” said Pakistan.

15. This week, NBC ordered a new “Law and Order” spin-off entitled “Law and Order: Hate Crimes.” They went with that name because there was already a TV show called “The West Wing.”

16. The second debate among Democrats running for  president attracted 18.1 million television viewers across three networks. Which is just slightly more than the number of people on stage.

17. Last week, O.J. Simpson took to Twitter to deny allegations that Khloe Kardashian is the result of a love affair he had with Kris Kardashian. And the evidence is on his side, Khloe looks nothing like OJ and Kris is still alive. 

18. Britain’s Glastonbury Music Festival announced that only sandwiches in 100 percent compostable packaging will be sold at the five-day event. “Big deal, talk to us when you’re making the sandwiches out of that stuff,” said Arby’s. 

19. On Tuesday, breakdancing moved one step closer to being included in the 2024 Olympic Games. One very annoying, robotic step closer.

20. Eric Trump said Tuesday he was spit on by a female employee at a Chicago restaurant. “I’ll have what she’s having,” said everyone else in that restaurant.