10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Simon, a 3-foot long Welsh rabbit, was found dead in the cargo hold of a United plane after a flight from London landed in Chicago on Tuesday. United apologized for the death of Simon, or, as he was referred to on the next outbound flight, the kosher meal.

2. Yesterday was First Lady Melania Trump’s birthday. Which, to Donald, means depreciation and another year off her trade-in value.

3. According to a new survey, 40% of men have asked their partner to change their pubic hair. “I can honestly say that has never been an issue,” said Jared Fogel.

4. On Monday, astronaut Peggy Whitson told President Trump that, while aboard the International Space Station, she purifies her own urine into clean drinking water. Whitman called the practice “a necessity,” while Trump called it “a waste of good urine.”

5. President Trump is scheduled to have dinner with all the Supreme Court Justices on Thursday. It’ll mark the first time that all of President Trump’s dinner guests wore robes since Steve Bannon’s family came over for game night:

6. Despite saying “I love Wikileaks” while campaigning, in a new interview, President Trump said he doesn’t support the website. And, in Trump’s defense support and love are two very different things, for instance, he supports Eric and Don Jr.

7. A Washington woman born with two vaginas is now pregnant. And I’m guessing her OBGYN is Monty Hall:

8. According to a new poll, a record 61% of Americans support legalizing marijuana. The number is so high because pollsters counted “Wait, what was the question again?” as a “Yes.”

9. A London bar has developed a whiskey cocktail that comes with a virtual reality headset that magically transports the drinker to the distillery where the spirit is made. Which is a nice change of pace, because when I drink whiskey I’m usually magically transported to the window outside my ex-girlfriend’s apartment.

10. Under a new law, undercover police officers in Michigan will no longer be able to have sex with the prostitutes they’re investigating. So it sounds like a lot of them are gonna have to go back to being ‘beat’ cops.

April 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her new tell-all book, Caitlyn Jenner said she knew that O.J. Simpson was guilty. When told of the comment, O.J., who has been in jail for the past ten years, said, “Bruce did what!?!”

2. According to a new study, exposing babies to puppies may help them accumulate two types of bacteria that are associated with a lower risk of allergies and obesity. Unless the baby is Chinese, then introducing them to dogs usually leads to obesity.

3. According to an in-depth report by ‘Esquire,’ President Trump has a button he presses to tell a butler to bring him a Coke. So there’s a greater than zero percent chance that we accidentally nuke North Korea because Trump is thirsty:

4. While speaking at the National Holocaust Museum in D.C. on Tuesday, President Trump mispronounced the word ‘Nazis.’ “That’s ridiculous, I know we covered that during our elocution lessons,” said Steve Bannon:

5. On Wednesday, Amazon unveiled a voice-controlled camera, the Echo Look, and an app that recommends which of two outfits is the best using fashion specialists and algorithms. “Um, ss there a third option?” asked Miley Cyrus’s Echo Look:

6. On Monday, astronaut Peggy Whitson set the world record for most cumulative days in outer space at 523 days. That story again, there is a woman who has spent a longer time farther away from Donald Trump than Melania.

7. In a recent interview, President Trump admitted that he only called NATO obsolete because he didn’t know much about the organization. Which explains why he constantly refers to Tiffany as ‘obsolete.’

8. According to a new report, the Secret Service does not allow President Trump to travel in his own, personal helicopter. Although, it seems like pretty good policy for Trump to avoid helicopters altogether:

9. Police in Florida were able to locate and arrest a woman with an outstanding warrant after she posted a live Facebook video feed from a local Chuck E. Cheese. Further proof that Chuck E. Cheese is a rat.

10. According to reports, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol plans to install facial recognition technology at all airports. Although there’s a chance after you fly United even a computer won’t be able to recognize you:

11. According to a new survey, both men and women agree that the C-cup is the perfect bust size. Although, someone should tell Trump it only applies to women:

12. A new survey found that 1 in 5 adults in the U.K. don’t know how to change a lightbulb or boil an egg. While 5 in 5 adults in the U.K. don’t know how to brush their teeth.

April 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Simon, a 3-foot long Welsh rabbit, was found dead in the cargo hold of a United plane after a flight from London landed in Chicago on Tuesday. United apologized for the death of Simon, or, as he was referred to on the next outbound flight, the kosher meal.

2. Yesterday was First Lady Melania Trump’s birthday. Which, to Donald, means depreciation and another year off her trade-in value.

3. According to a new survey, 40% of men have asked their partner to change their pubic hair. “I can honestly say that has never been an issue,” said Jared Fogel.

4. A second parchment copy of the Declaration of Independence has been found in England. “Does it still have that bullshit about all men being created equal?” asked Steve Bannon.

5. Florida state senator Frank Artiles resigned last week after yelling obscenities and racial slurs inside a lounge frequented by lawmakers in the state capital. And, just like that, Fox News has found their Bill O’Reilly replacement.

6. Actor Rob Lowe has taken over the role of Colonel Sanders in KFC’s newest commercials. Rob reportedly got the job because he knew a guy on the inside:

7. A woman visiting Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo Sunday went into labor and gave birth while still on zoo grounds. The baby is doing well and the woman is said to be resting comfortably on a hot rock.

8. According to a ‘Washington Post’ article, White House aides have begun including local news headlines in the daily press clippings provided to President Trump because they are often more favorable. For instance, Timber Trace Elementary’s ‘School Gazette’ called Trump “really, really smart and super, duper tough.”

9. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. You can read more about it in this month’s ‘Medical Journal of Evil.’

10. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman lost half her body weight after undergoing surgery in India. The woman said her goal weight is to not be mistaken for a pyramid.

April 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Experts say that software vulnerabilities in an app that allowed Hyundai cars to be started remotely made the company’s vehicles susceptible to high-tech robbers. Luckily, the company’s back-up security plan of the cars being Hyundais, prevented any thief from wanting to steal them.

2. On Monday, astronaut Peggy Whitson told President Trump that, while aboard the International Space Station, she purifies her own urine into clean drinking water. Whitman called the practice “a necessity,” while Trump called it “a waste of good urine.”

3. On a recent flight from Tampa to Los Angeles, passengers were surprised by an impromptu saxophone performance from jazz musician Kenny G. That story again, United has devised an ingenious and nonviolent way to get passengers to voluntarily give up their seats.

4. According to a new report, UFO sightings have tripled since 2001. I assume that’s because aliens are a lot like us and when they pass a car crash, they slow down to look at it.

5. A pregnant woman gave birth while visiting a zoo in Omaha on Sunday. Luckily, when her water broke, she was sitting in the right section:

6. On Monday, former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly spoke about his recent firing saying he is “very confident the truth will come out.” Although, it should be noted that he calls his penis ‘the Truth.’

7. The University of Tennessee Knoxville is offering a course on country music legend Dolly Parton. It will be graded on two curves.

8. A court in London ruled this week that a woman could paint the outside of her house in candy-cane stripes even if the sole purpose is to annoy neighbors she does not like. “Good to know,” said the residents of 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue.

9. According to reports, Marissa Mayer, Yahoo’s chief executive who failed to return the company to greatness, may still earn $186 million from its sale to Verizon. “Did she try making hats?” said Trump.

10. In a recent interview, legendary funk singer George Clinton said “there ain’t no funk in Trump.” In response, Trump said, “I don’t expect Chelsea’s husband to be a fan.”

April 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump is scheduled to have dinner with all the Supreme Court Justices on Thursday. It’ll mark the first time that all of President Trump’s dinner guests wore robes since Steve Bannon’s family came over for game night:

2. While speaking to astronaut Peggy Whitson yesterday, who is currently aboard the International Space Station, President Trump said “Better you than me,” when Whitson said she purifies her own urine to drink. So, I’m guessing the part that Trump objected to was the purifying part.

3. Despite saying “I love Wikileaks” while campaigning, in a new interview, President Trump said he doesn’t support the website. And, in Trump’s defense support and love are two very different things, for instance, he supports Eric and Don Jr.

4. A new study found that 90% of baby changing tables in public restrooms tested positive for cocaine. Which, I’m pretty sure, is the plot of ‘Boss Baby’:

5. Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly launched a podcast on Monday. And it has already lost a sponsor, Blue Apron has pulled its commercials after O’Reilly tried to look down her apron.

6. Yesterday, President Trump announced his plan to send a man to Mars during his presidency. While, Scott Pruitt, the head of the EPA, announced his plans to send us all to Mars during Trump’s presidency.

7. While en route to Australia last week, Vice President Mike Pence forced everyone onboard Air Force 2 to watch “Hoosiers” which he called “the greatest basketball movie ever made.” “Yet another thing we disagree on,” said the plane’s previous tenant:

8. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. And you thought these pictures were creepy before:

9. Vice President Mike Pence has cut short the final leg of his Asia trip to return to Washington ahead of a potential government shutdown. But, don’t worry, before Pence as able to end his trip prematurely, he was forced to look at an ultrasound of his remaining stops.

10. A seven-year-old boy in China miraculously survived a ten-storey fall from a building after using an umbrella as a ‘parachute.’ Upon landing, the boy was immediately served with a lawsuit by lawyers for Mary Poppins.

April 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Washington woman born with two vaginas is now pregnant. And I’m guessing her OBGYN is Monty Hall:

2. According to a new poll, a record 61% of Americans support legalizing marijuana. The number is so high because pollsters counted “Wait, what was the question again?” as a “Yes.”

3. A London bar has developed a whiskey cocktail that comes with a virtual reality headset that magically transports the drinker to the distillery where the spirit is made. Which is a nice change of pace, because when I drink whiskey I’m usually magically transported to the window outside my ex-girlfriend’s apartment.

4. “CBS This Morning” co-host Gayle King was reportedly onboard the yacht in Tahiti with the Obamas, Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. Although, NBC’s Brian Williams claims he was there too.

5. Under a new law, undercover police officers in Michigan will no longer be able to have sex with the prostitutes they’re investigating. Sounds like a lot of them are gonna have to go back to being ‘beat’ cops.

6. According to a new study, most 15-year-olds report being happy with their lives. So get to work, bullies.

7. A woman in Washington was arrested over the weekend after police found 42 cats in her car. And, since it was a Hyundai, it actually upped the resale value.

8. According to reports, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are ‘furious’ over the details contained in Caitlyn Jenner’s upcoming tell-all book. Or, more accurately, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are furious that they’re gonna have to read a book.

9. Scientists have developed a dryer that dries clothes five times faster than a normal dryer. Which means Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna have less time to make a move on his maid.

10. On Saturday, a woman Canada attacked a sex shop clerk saying she had HIV before lunging at him with needle and stealing vibrators. Or, as Charlie Sheen refers to it, foreplay.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. On Wednesday, New England Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski popped his head into the White House briefing room to ask Press Secretary Sean Spicer if he needed any help. That story again, a man who shows obvious signs of severe and repeated brain trauma met Rob Gronkowski.

4. While making a speech in Wisconsin on Tuesday, President Trump called Wisconsin Senator Paul Ryan by the wrong name multiple times. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Eric and Tiffany.

5. Last week, President Trump’s reelection campaign said it raised $7.1 million during the first three month this year. Although, that number could be a lot higher depending the on the strength of the ruble.

6. A suspected pickpocket faced charges Monday for allegedly stealing more than 100 cell phones at this weekend’s Coachella music festival. Begging the question, if no one can Instagram Coachella, did it really happen?

7. Yesterday, President Trump tweeted out an endorsement for a book entitled “Reasons to Vote for Democrats,” which is just 260 blank pages. Coincidentally, the book also contains Trump’s plan to defeat ISIS.

8. United Airlines has once again come under fire after removing a couple heading to their wedding from a Houston flight on Saturday. It was the first of two aisle the groom-to-be had to be dragged down that weekend.

9. Over the weekend, Donald Trump Jr. was spotted around the pool at his father’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida wearing a t-shirt bearing the words “Very Fake News.” While Eric Trump was seen around the pool wearing a head-to-toe robe and cursing the sun:

10. A musical parody of the show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway later this year. As an homage to “The Phantom of the Opera,” right before intermission the Chandler drops.

April 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. This week, Sarah Palin ate dinner with President Trump at the White House and brought along Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. That story again, the White House relaxed its “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

4. On Wednesday, Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly amid sexual harassment allegations from twelve women over the past fifteen years. So, if you’re ever wondered exactly how behind the times Fox New is, the answer is fifteen years.

5. The same day he was fired from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was spotted in Vatican City shaking the Pope’s hand. And the two have a lot in common, they’re both celibate, although not from a lack of trying by one of them.

6. British tech entrepreneur Patrick Bergel became the first man to drive a car across the Antartic, completing the feat 100 years after his great-grandfather, explorer Ernest Shackleton, failed to cross the same continent on foot. Said Bergel, “I like to think, if my great-grandfather were alive to see this, he’d call me an incredible pussy for using a car.”

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. Which makes it even weirder that Anthony Weiner kept forgetting to delete his browser history.

8. Colorado is set to open the country’s first drive-thru marijuana store. Although, technically, not on purpose:

9. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by his family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. His last words were reportedly “Oh no, Mike Pence!”

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. “That’s ridiculous, who waits until after their presidency to vacation?” said Trump from Mar-a-Lago.

11. A high school senior in Tennessee went skydiving in a tuxedo to ask his girlfriend to prom. And, considering his first two parachutes failed and he was able to pull the chord to the last one just in time, he may want to get those tuxedo pants laundered before prom.

12. Renata Rojas of New York is paying $105,000 to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Although, if she’s interested in seeing a sinking ship, she could save a lot of money by getting a job in the Trump White House.

13. A stage parody of the hit show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway this year. While a parody of the hit show “The West Wing” has been running for months in D.C.

14. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. And I have a hunch that won’t be the only international house of worship those patrons visit that day:

15. According to a new study, having a baby can wreck your marriage. ”It’s adorable that you think those things happen in that order,” said the South.

16. According to reports, President Trump has requested a gold-plated carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth when he makes his first official visit to Great Britain. Presumably because the Access Hollywood bus was already booked.

April 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, New England Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski popped his head into the White House briefing room to ask Press Secretary Sean Spicer if he needed any help. That story again, a man who shows obvious signs of severe and repeated brain trauma met Rob Gronkowski.

2. While making a speech in Wisconsin on Tuesday, President Trump called Wisconsin Senator Paul Ryan by the wrong name multiple times. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Eric and Tiffany.

3. Last week, President Trump’s reelection campaign said it raised $7.1 million during the first three month this year. Although, that number could be a lot higher depending the on the strength of the ruble.

4. Marijuana advocates have vowed to smoke pot and get arrested on the steps of the U.S. Capitol building. They will join the long list of people who went to Washington with a purpose and then immediately forgot it upon arriving.

5. According to a new report, casino magnate Sheldon Adelson gave $5 million to Donald Trump’s inauguration effort. Because no one is better than Trump at blowing profits made in the casino business.

6. Quarterback Tom Brady skipped his SuperBowl champion New England Patriot’s trip to the White House yesterday. “No, you break the news to him,” said Reince to Jared:

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. “Not if I do it right,” said Bill Cosby.

8. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said President Trump was correct to say a U.S. battleship was headed to North Korea even though it was sailing in the opposite direction because it would head there eventually. Well, if we’re dealing in eventualities, I completely understand where disgraced, former White House Press Secretary and current member of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Sean Spicer is coming from.

9. According to sources, a Russian government think tank controlled by Vladimir Putin developed a plan to swing the 2016 U.S. presidential election to Donald Trump. Of course, in Russia, this is what a think tank looks like:

10. During the New England Patriot’s visit to the White House on Wednesday, President Trump likened their long-shot, comeback Superbowl victory to his own election victory. That unbelievable story again, Donald Trump managed to make something about himself.

April 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A suspected pickpocket faced charges Monday for allegedly stealing more than 100 cell phones at this weekend’s Coachella music festival. Begging the question, if no one can Instagram Coachella, did it really happen?

2. It is being reported that while flying to Wisconsin yesterday, White House chief of staff Reince Priebus got excited when he spotted his house from the window of Air Force One. Said Trump, “Where’s the rest of it and why isn’t it made out of gold?”

3. Researchers have begun testing the possibility of using sperm to deliver life-saving drugs to specific parts of the female body. Which means, sometime in the not-too-distant future, semen could cause and cure blindness.

4. According to a new study, people who live near sources of heavy traffic exhaust may be at higher risk for heart disease. That story again, Chris Christie’s heart is screwed:

5. Google says searches for ‘World War 3’ have spiked over the past few weeks. And I have to admit, that’s partially my fault, because I’ve fallen into the habit of typing ‘WW3’ into Google and then hitting refresh over and over again to see if it’s happened yet.

6. Last week an eight-year-old boy in Ohio stole his parents car to take a joyride with his little sister to McDonalds after learning how to drive on YouTube. Once there, he only ordered one drink because he also learned on YouTube how two people can share one cup.

7. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. So he truly is in a better place now.

8. Today, the American Lung Association will issue it’s annual state of the air address, ranking air quality across the country. Which is not to be confused with the annual State of the Hair Address:

9. A new study found that every hour spent running adds an extra seven hours to your life. Of course, if you factor in the hours they waste telling other people about the marathons they ran, it kinda evens out.

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. So this is Barack’s plan, make post-presidency life look so good that Trump doesn’t want to run for reelection.