November 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, actress Sofia Vergara married actor Joe Manganiello, best known for playing a stripper in the “Magic Mike” movies. Which is not the result I was hoping for from a sentence containing the words “Sofia Vergara” and “stripper.”

2. Justin Bieber stormed the British singles charts on Friday with three singles from his new album in the top five, a feat no other artist has managed since John Lennon. So, if Mark David Chapman hadn’t killed him, this probably would have done it.

3. In a recent interview, Republican Donald Trump said it is “highly unlikely,” if elected president, he would ever use nuclear weapons. While Jeb just ended that sentence after the word “president.”

4. Hotel chain operator Hilton Worldwide said last week that it identified unauthorized malware in some payment systems that targeted payment card information. Which is a nice change of pace, because it’s usually a Hilton that is unknowingly giving out the viruses.

5. Last week the Texas Attorney General’s office halted dating service Lone Star Introductions and others from operating in the state because it said the firms had harassed and threatened clients. Or, as Chris Brown calls it, foreplay.

6. According to a new study, people who speak two languages are twice as likely as those who only speak one to regain normal cognitive function after a stroke. Especially if one of those languages was gibberish.

7. Over 1,000 clowns performed during last week’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The last time that many clowns got together in one place, Megyn Kelly was moderating.

8. Last week, firefighters in Germany had to drag a man out of a sex store that was on fire because he refused to leave his private video booth until he finished watching the porn film he had bought. But, to his credit, once he did, he was able to put out a very small part of the fire on his own.

9. Minor league home run king Mike Hessman says he is retiring after spending 19 years in the minors. “You had my attention at ’19 years’ and ‘minor,’” said Jared Fogle.

10. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said on Sunday that he found facilities at a Syrian refugee camp in Jordan to be “really quite nice” and that people there would rather stay or return home to Syria than come to the United States. Especially once they learned that Carson lived in the U.S.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Frank Sullivan, the co-writer of 1980s hit “Eye of the Tiger” has filed a federal lawsuit against Republican Mike Huckabee for playing the song at a rally for Kentucky clerk Kim Davis when she was released from jail. Sullivan is suing because he thinks the Baja Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out” would have much more appropriate for the situation.

2. U.S. counterintelligence chief Bill Evanina said on Wednesday he was skeptical China had followed through on recent promises to curb spying on the United States. “Yes we have,” said a disembodied voice coming from somewhere.

3. Ride hailing app Lyft is running a promotion where users can get a discount on singer Justin Bieber’s newest album. Said a spokesperson for Lyft, “We’re trying to go out of business.”

4. This week, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that American should close its borders to Syrian refugees and “needs to wake up and smell the falafel.” Although, by the looks of Mike Huckabee, he’s been doing a lot more than just smelling that falafel.

5. On Monday, 74-year-old presidential candidate Bernie Sanders joined Snapchat. Bernie’s followers can expect a lot of messages about income inequality and a lot of pictures of the inside of his pocket.

6. One of Google’s self-driving cars was pulled over this weekend for driving too slowly. Upon seeing that the car was empty, the officer went back and searched his own vehicle for weed.

7. Runners who participated in last weekend’s Bangkok half-marathon had to run an extra four miles because race organizers did the math wrong. People became suspicious that something was amiss when the runners didn’t even have enough energy to insert the fact that they just ran a half-marathon into every conversation.

8. According to the U.N., 2.4 billion people around the world don’t have access to decent sanitation and more than a billion are forced to defecate in the open. It’s true, I saw a shocking documentary on this very subject where two girls were forced to share one cup.

9. Former “Jersey Shore” stars Snooki and J-WOWW have launched a new Youtube reality series called “Moms with Attitude.” Presumably because “Moms with HPV” was already taken.

10. Marvel announced last week a new line of adult bedding featuring comic book characters like Captain America, the Incredible Hulk and Ironman. Unsurprisingly, they only come to fit a single bed.

November 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Disgraced former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle was sentenced to 15 years in federal prison Thursday after pleading guilty to charges of child pornography. Fogle said it was the first time he wasn’t excited to get something that was 15 years.

2. In a new interview, actress Jennifer Lawrence said she “got really, really drunk” before filming a sex scene with Chris Pratt for an upcoming film entitled “Passengers.” “I knew she was drunk during our scene, but not that drunk,” said her “Passengers” co-star Woody Allen.

3. Former New York Yankee Derek Jeter sued luxury underwear company RevolutionWear to defend himself against allegations he cost the company $26 million by failing to promote its brand. While former Yankee teammate Alex Rodriguez is also being sued by the same underwear company, claiming that A-Rod cost them $26 million because he promoted the brand.

4. The last two of six N.C. Wyeth paintings stolen from a Maine collector in 2013 have been recovered by agents from the FBI. Turns out the paintings weren’t stolen, but they left Maine on their own accord out of boredom.

5. Frank Sullivan, the co-writer of 1980s hit “Eye of the Tiger” has filed a federal lawsuit against Republican Mike Huckabee for playing the song at a rally for Kentucky clerk Kim Davis when she was released from jail. Sullivan is suing because he thinks the Baja Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out” would have much more appropriate for the situation.

6. On Tuesday night, singer Adele performed a free concert at Radio City Music Hall. There hasn’t been an entire theater full of that many crying people since the last screening of ‘Pixels.’

7. A customer sued the operator of a McDonald’s restaurant in New York on Wednesday after diners were exposed to food and drinks prepared by a worker with hepatitis A. So, contrary to popular belief, some McDonalds workers do get A’s.

8. On Wednesday, British American Tobacco said it plans to test a hybrid product that combines tobacco and e-cigarette technology next week in a European market. It’s a great way to remind former-smokers who have made the switch to the e-cigs what they’re missing.

9. On Tuesday, retired professional soccer player David Beckham was named “People” magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Because Beckham really is sexy in any medium where you can’t hear him talk.

10. Florida police arrested a woman in a storage room facility after she assaulted her husband during an argument over which sexual position is the best. I don’t know what position they ultimately settled upon, but I’m fairly confident that if you’re having sex in a storage facility, no one comes out on top.

11. Radio Shack announced that they will be celebrating Black Friday on Wednesday of next week. They’re not doing it on purpose, but because they’re operating off of an electronic calendar they bought at a Radio Shack.

12. In a recent interview, Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn said she does not regret anything about her relationship with golfer and former-boyfriend Tiger Woods. Said Woods, “I wish I could return the compliment, but I don’t remember which one she was.”

13. According to a new study, patients prefer to receive their medical test results via a password-protected website. Although they did not like that the password was “YoureScrewed.”

14. A 25-year-old man who applied for a job at a Michigan sheriff’s department was arrested after a background check revealed he was wanted in Kentucky on sexual assault charges. But, since the charges were brought by his sister, he still qualifies to be a sheriff in the Kentucky.

November 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. U.S. counterintelligence chief Bill Evanina said on Wednesday he was skeptical China had followed through on recent promises to curb spying on the United States. “Yes we have,” said a disembodied voice coming from somewhere.

2. Lewis Kent, the current record holder in the beer mile, in which runners drink four beers over the course of a mile, has signed a shoe deal with retailer Brooks. Unsurprisingly, the deal is for only one shoe.

3. Facebook said it erroneously disabled the personal account of a user named Isis Anchalee for about a day because her name is spelt the same as the acronym used for the Islamic State extremist group. “Shit, we’ll take the real ISIS, I’m just so lonely,” said Tom from MySpace.

4. According to a new study, pigeons are as accurate at spotting cancer as medically trained pathologists and radiologists. Which may explain why all those pigeons hung around Mike Tyson.

5. Yesterday, United States captain Davis Love III appointed 14-times major winner Tiger Woods as one of his vice-captains for next year’s Ryder Cup. Said Love, “No one puts the ‘vice’ in ‘vice-captain’ quite like Tiger Woods.”

6. Ride hailing app Lyft is running a promotion where users can get a discount on singer Justin Bieber’s newest album. Said a spokesperson for Lyft, “We’re trying to go out of business.”

7. In an interview this week, Governor Chris Christie said New Jersey will not accept Syrian refugees. “Agreed!” said Syrian refugees.

8. This week, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said that American should close its borders to Syrian refugees and “needs to wake up and smell the falafel.” Although, by the looks of Mike Huckabee, he’s been doing a lot more than just smelling that falafel.

9. According to the latest polls, Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Ted Cruz are the only Republican candidates with double-digit support. “Technically speaking, 0.1% is two digits,” said Lindsey Graham.

10. A nine-year-old in Florida is being threatened with sexual harassment charges after continuously passing love notes in class to girls he has a crush on. Even more brazen, he hasn’t gotten his cootie shot.

November 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, 74-year-old presidential candidate Bernie Sanders joined Snapchat. Bernie’s followers can expect a lot of messages about income inequality and a lot of pictures of the inside of his pocket.

2. One of Google’s self-driving cars was pulled over this weekend for driving too slowly. Upon seeing that the car was empty, the officer went back and searched his own vehicle for weed.

3. U.S. Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton on Tuesday won the endorsement of the two-million-member Service Employees International labor union. Said Bernie Sanders, “I guess I shouldn’t have sent my soup back so many times.”

4. In a new interview, reflecting on what he will do after his term is over, President Obama said he has fantasized about owning a professional basketball team. “We have that same fantasy,” said the owners of the 76ers.

5. In a new interview, reflecting on what he will do after his term is over, President Obama said he has fantasized about owning a professional basketball team. “Looks like I got out just in time,” said Donald Sterling.

6. In a new interview, President Obama said he hasn’t had a cigarette in over five years. Which can only mean one thing, Michelle was present during the interview.

7. In a new interview, President Obama said that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers is the pro athlete he’s most like. Obama said he chose Rodgers not because he’s cool and collected in the pocket but because he wants to fuck Olivia Munn.

8. Use of a blood test to detect prostate cancer is on the decline after a U.S. government-back panel advised against using it. Said your doctor to you as he slowly pulled on one rubber glove.

9. According to a new study, a 2013 Texas law aimed at restricting abortions has led to more women trying to end a pregnancy on their own. But, on the plus side, the past two years have never been better for Texas Pete’s Alcohol and Wire Hanger Emporium.

10. On Tuesday, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is suspending his campaign for the presidency. That story again, apparently Bobby Jindal was running for president.

November 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, it was announced that ”Memento,” Christopher Nolan’s 2000 breakout film, will be remade. The film tells the tale of a man who wakes up every morning and can’t remember anything about his past, it will star Dr. Ben Carson.

2. Runners who participated in last weekend’s Bangkok half-marathon had to run an extra four miles because race organizers did the math wrong. People became suspicious that something was amiss when the runners didn’t even have enough energy to insert the fact that they just ran a half-marathon into every conversation.

3. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders joined Snapchat on Monday. That story again, apparently you can join Snapchat from a rotary-dial, land-line phone.

4. According to the U.N., 2.4 billion people around the world don’t have access to decent sanitation and more than a billion are forced to defecate in the open. It’s true, I saw a shocking documentary on this very subject where two girls were forced to share one cup.

5. According to the U.N., 2.4 billion people around the world don’t have access to decent sanitation and more than a billion are forced to defecate in the open. “Now, where exactly are these people shitting in public?” said Germans.

6. Former “Jersey Shore” stars Snooki and J-WOWW have launched a new Youtube reality series called “Moms with Attitude.” Presumably because “Moms with HPV” was already taken.

7. Actor Charlie Sheen is expected to disclose that he is HIV positive in an exclusive interview on Tuesday’s “Today Show”. Experts say, with advancements in medicine, the disease won’t kill him, but he may die of exhaustion from calling all the women he’s slept with.

8. Actor Charlie Sheen is expected to disclose that he is HIV positive in an exclusive interview on Tuesday’s “Today Show”. “What a minute, is that what he meant by ‘tiger’s blood?’” said concerned tigers.

9. Actor Charlie Sheen is expected to disclose that he is HIV positive in an exclusive interview on Tuesday’s “Today Show”. “Yes, but can he play point guard?” said the 2-8 Los Angeles Lakers.

10. A woman has filed a $1 million lawsuit against a feminist publishing house because she claims she was fired for being “too lesbian.” If the judge sides with her it will most likely mean that no one will be able to be cut from a WNBA team ever again.

November 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Donald Trump on Thursday told Iowa’s voters that those who support Ben Carson are “stupid” to believe the “crap” that is his life story. Then Trump demanded to see Carson’s long-form autobiography.

2. Rick Santorum hammered Barack Obama’s foreign policy on Saturday, blaming the President for the terror attacks in Paris. Keep in mind, this is the same Rick Santorum, who in the aftermath of the church shooting in South Carolina, accused President Obama, Hillary Clinton and other democrats of “politicizing [a] very tragic event.” Fittingly, hypocrite is a French word.

3. Last Thursday night, the Buffalo Bills sported all red uniforms to beat the New York Jets, who donned all green jerseys, but color blind people were unable to tell the teams apart because they have trouble differentiating between those two colors. Despite popular opinion, Jets quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, who threw two interceptions in the loss, isn’t colorblind, he just sucks.

4. During Saturday night’s Democratic debate, Martin O’Malley called Donald Trump an “immigrant-bashing carnival barker.” And, by the look of his hair, a carnival barker who’s been on the Tilt-A-Whirl one too many times.

5. During Saturday night’s Democratic debate, Martin O’Malley used the phrase “weak tea.” And fellow-candidate Bernie Sanders agreed, saying he hadn’t see tea that watered-down since he and a couple of buddies threw some crates into Boston harbor.

6. In response to a rant by presidential candidate Donald Trump in which he likened fellow-candidate Ben Carson to a child molester, Dr. Carson said he would pray for Trump. “While you’re at it, could you throw a few my way too,” said Jeb.

7. According to the New York Times bestseller list, Ben Carson’s “A More Perfect Union” has sold more copies than Donald Trump’s book, “Crippled America.” Although, most bookstores are running a promotion, where, if you buy both books, they’ll through in a:
a. do-it-yourself lobotomy kit for free.
b. “I’m a Moron” bumpersticker for free.
c. bottle of Ambien for free.

8. Marvel announced last week a new line of adult bedding featuring comic book characters like Captain America, the Incredible Hulk and Ironman. Unsurprisingly, they only come to fit a single bed.

9. While answering a question on the subject of free college tuition during Saturday night’s Democratic presidential debate, Hillary Clinton said she didn’t think American taxpayers should pay for Donald Trump’s kids to go to college. Although, if it’s Kabul University, I’d chip in a few bucks.

10. During Saturday night’s Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton referred to the president as a “she.” “I’ll take that as an endorsement,” said Lindsey Graham.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A Secret Service officer assigned to the White House was arrested after he was caught in a sting sending naked pictures of himself to someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl from Delaware. Authorities became suspicious of the officer when he said he was looking forward to taking a trip to Delaware.

2. This week, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie sign a law officially banning beastiality in the state. So now, if you’re ‘sleeping with fishes’ in New Jersey, you better be dead.

3. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. Or, as Carson tells it, “I did travel back in time and chose not to.”

4. It was revealed this week that Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson owns a painting of himself and Jesus that hangs in his home. “Big deal, I got a photograph of me with the devil,” said Dick Cheney.

5. According to airline experts, around 25 million passengers are expected to fly home for Thanksgiving. What they don’t tell you is that 35 million people have booked tickets.

6. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush told the Huffington Post that, if given the opportunity, he would go back in time and kill baby Hitler. And, to make his life a little easier today, he would also go back in time and vote for Gore.

7. 50-year-old retired wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin told the Dallas Morning News he could quarterback the Cowboys until Tony Romo return from injury. And, in future news, New York Giant quarterback Eli Manning is out with a concussion after he rolled out on a 3rd and long and was hit over the head with a folding chair.

8. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump hosted “Saturday Night Live” over the weekend. Which seemed like an odd choice since Rand Paul is actually living in a van down by the river.

9. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he would like to have a beer with Jesus. So that settles it, Jesus is never coming back.

10. Former President George H.W. Bush has a new autobiography coming out entitled “Destiny and Power.” Said former President Bill Clinton, “You know Destiny, too?”

November 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Secret Service officer assigned to the White House was arrested after he was caught in a sting sending naked pictures of himself to someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl from Delaware. Authorities became suspicious of the officer when he said he was looking forward to taking a trip to Delaware.

2. Donald Trump said Thursday that Ben Carson’s self-described “pathological temper” is incurable and then compared it to the sickness of a “child molester.” Adding, “Why do you think he keeps going door-to-door introducing himself?”

3. Singer Justin Bieber’s new album “Purpose” goes on sale today, which also happens to be Friday the 13th. “I can’t beat that,” said Jason and Freddie.

4. Retailer Bloomingdales has come under fire for a holiday advertisement which seems to encourage people to spike their friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking. So I guess we know where Cosby bought all those sweaters.

5. According to a new study, injuries may be more common in kickboxing than in traditional boxing. Many attribute this to the kicking.

6. According to a new report, At least one in five adult New Yorkers suffer from some sort of mental disorder. Researchers conducted the study by spending ten minutes on the G train.

7. According to a new study, middle aged and older people with type 2 diabetes may be able to meet their daily activity requirements by playing games on the Wii Fit Plus system. But, of course, the always end up playing Candy Crush instead.

8. This week, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie sign a law officially banning beastiality in the state. So now, if you’re ‘sleeping with fishes’ in New Jersey, you better be dead.

9. On Thursday, the White House said that President Obama will meet with the president of Turkey next week. Said Vice President Biden, “But Thanksgiving’s not until the week after.”

10. New research has found that, contrary to popular belief, it could be beneficial for women to eat and drink while in labor. But, to be fair, drinking is probably what got you into this mess to begin with.

11. More than 500 women competed last weekend in Brazil’s annual Miss BumBum Pageant, which crowns the country’s best butt. The show went smoothly except for when the host, wanting the audience to applaud, foolishly asked for them to “make it clap.”

12. Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was caught smashing a Microsoft Surface tablet on the sideline of his game over the weekend. And somehow that is still the best publicity a Microsoft tablet has ever received.

13. Students at a Colorado high school exchanged naked photos of themselves, prompting a felony investigation by police. I miss the old days, before all this technology, when teachers just slept with the students.

14. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s recollection of being offered a scholarship to the prestigious U.S. Military Academy at West Point has come under question. Said Carson, “That’s not just my recollection, that’s how Brian Williams reported it.”

15. Irish women are tweeting details of their periods to Prime Minister Enda Kenny to help publicize a campaign to repeal restrictive abortion laws. As a result, Throwback Thursdays on Twitter in Ireland have been changed to Throw-up Thursdays.

November 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. “So many mixed emotions,” said KKK members.

2. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. Or, as Carson tells it, “I did travel back in time and chose not to.”

3. The international investigation into alleged doping inside Russian athletics could spread to other Russian sports since they used the same laboratory that now stands accused of covering up failed drugs tests. Because, as Ukraine will tell you, Russia is good at spreading out into other areas.

4. The rare and flawless “Blue Moon Diamond” sold for $48.4 million to a Hong Kong buyer on Wednesday. The last time a diamond ended up costing that much money, Elin Nordegren said “I do.”

5. A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country’s first ever combination pot store and gas station. And you thought it was hard remembering which side your gas tank was on before.

6. Republican Donald Trump said, if elected president, Americans will be saying “Merry Christmas” again. “Happy Hanukkah” will also be acceptable, but “Feliz Navidad” will get you deported.

7. After Donald Trump’s appearance on SNL, NBC may be forced to give airtime to the other Republican presidential candidates under the equal air time rule. As a result, Jeb Bush will appear on “the Biggest Loser, Chris Christie will go on “American Ninja Warrior,” Mike Huckabee will appear on “Undateable,” Dr. Ben Carson will show up on “the Tonight Show,” but he’ll insist he was on “the Today Show,” and Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum and Lindsey Graham will all guest star on “Grimm.”

8. Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger has teamed up with the Oakland Raiders and San Diego Chargers to try to build them a stadium in L.A. If he successfully builds a stadium that will house both the Raiders and Chargers, it will undoubtedly be known as the unhappiest place on Earth.

9. Authorities said on Wednesday that a zombie apocalypse had not occurred in central Wisconsin despite the discovery of an empty casket along a rural highway over the weekend. And, even if it did, once the zombies realized they were in Wisconsin, they would probably die again from boredom anyway.

10. Actor Shia LaBoeuf is currently in the middle of a 72-hour film festival/art piece where he will watch all of his films in chronological order at a New York City theater that is open and free to the public. Also free to the public, not watching.