January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

April 8, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year. That’s crazy, how can you figure out what’s trash and what’s just a part of New Jersey? 

2. The owners of Krispy Kreme recently admitted to a family history that includes ties to the Nazi party in Germany.“Well I’m definitely gonna eat there more often now,” said Steve Bannon every day for the pasty twenty years. 

3. On Tuesday Connecticut Huskies women’s basketball head coach Geno Auriemma said, “The majority of coaches in America are afraid of their players.” “No shit,” said Bill Belichick:

4. On Monday, Pope Francis repeatedly withdrew his right hand as a long line of people bowed and tried to kiss the ring on it. Said the Pope, “Lower.”

5. According to a new study, combining sex and drugs is common among all genders and sexual orientations, with people in Britain most likely to engage in the practice. That story again, the Queen gets turnt: 

6. Brooklyn Councilman Robert Cornegy, who measures 6-foot-10-inches, was named world’s tallest politician. A record that will stand until Donald Trump’s next physical.

7. A University of Hartford student has been charged with attempted murder after he stabbed two of his classmates while re-enacting a movie scene for a drama class. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like he’s a shoe-in for the part of Officer Nordburg in the university’s production of ‘The Naked Gun’:

8. A lawyer for former New York Knick and current Dallas Maverick Kristaps Porzingis said Monday that a woman accusing him of rape is lying in an attempt to extort the Latvian basketball star by running his name through the mud. Said Porzingis, “I’ll pay whatever it takes, I just don’t want this to get out, people can’t know I was once a Knick.”

9. A hotel in England has launched so-called “lemoga” class which allows guests to do yoga in a room filled with lemur monkeys. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to do hot yoga, but still wants the smell.

10. Justin Bieber has apologized for joking about his wife being pregnant on April Fools’ Day after drawing criticism from some who felt it was insensitive to those dealing with fertility issues. It was also insensitive to those people who are very scared of there being more Biebers in the world. 

11. A court in Michigan this week ruled that giving a police officer the middle finger is an act of free speech. Said one officer upon seeing a black guy flick him off, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”

12. The Kremlin said on Monday, Russia is ready to improve ties with the United States but it is up to Washington to make the first move. Luckily, ’making the first move’ is one of Trump’s specialities:

13. A South Carolina man was arrested after driving around a college campus not wearing pants. So heads up Oregon Duck:

14. In a recent op-ed, George Conway, husband of White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, says that, despite the findings of the Mueller Report, President Trump is unfit for the office. Other thing Trump is unfit for: marriage, fatherhood, an size extra-large shirts:

15. This week, comedian Volodymyr Zelensky took the lead in Ukraine’s presidential elections. “What’s it like to have a president who people laugh at on purpose?” said every Americans.

16. Former Speaker Paul Ryan said Tuesday that he doesn’t believe freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez listened much to the advice he gave her about being a member of the House. So I guess she’ll have to figure out how to retire in disgrace by her mid-forties all on her own.

17. Congressional Democrats raised questions on Wednesday about security at President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after a Chinese woman carrying electronic devices bluffed her way through security checks last weekend. Said Trump, “Even worse, they let Eric in.”

18. White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow on Wednesday said the United States has plans to rapidly revitalize the Venezuelan economy, including financial and food planning as well as getting cash to people in the country. “Cool,” said the people of Puerto Rico.

19. On Friday, President Trump said he has the right to read the Mueller Report, but has not done so as of yet. He hasn’t gotten around to it yet because he’s already in the middle of another book:

20. According to a new poll, nearly half of all Americans still believe President Trump worked with Russia to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That surprising statistic again, a majority of people believe Donald Trump actually worked.

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

September 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally met Pope Francis after being left out during President Trump’s visit to the Vatican earlier this year. Spicer and the Pope bonded overing comparing stories of what it’s like to work for a boss who has a God complex.

2. During a press conference on Monday, President Trump mistook two different blond reporters as the same woman. “Oh, maybe it’s not just a playful jokes that he always calls me Ivanka,” said Tiffany.

3. A planned film adaptation of ‘Lord of the Flies’ is the works that will feature an all female cast. The writer got the idea for an island full of women who turn on each other after hanging out with a group of women for more than five minutes.

4. A constipated gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas underwent surgery last week. The gorilla is still constipated, but, now, has a really nice set of tits.

5. In response to President Trump’s lackluster statements in the wake of Charlottesville, James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox, said “There are no good Nazis.” Adding, “And I should know, I’ve been looking to fill that 7pm slot on Fox News for months now.”

6. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith said a work stoppage after the current collective bargaining agreement expires in 2021 is “a virtual certainty.” But just to be safe, the Jets decided to stop playing four years ago.

7. An 800-year-old sandstone coffin at a museum in Britain was damaged on Sunday after a family put a child into it for a photo and knocked off a small piece. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same reason Casey Anthony is banned from MOMA.

8. The president of the Girls Scouts of America has accused the Boy Scouts of America of trying to undercut the organization through a “covert campaign to recruit girls.” Although I wouldn’t call the neckerchief ‘covert’:

9. A Russian tanker built to crush ice in its path, completed a journey in record time from Europe to Asia. Thus marking the second time in recent history Russia defeated an icy and frigid opponent:

10. According to a new study, many older adults may mishear important medical information from their healthcare providers. So, yeah, there’s a good chance your grandmother’s doctor wasn’t saying she’s an “advanced dancer.”

11. Pigs that were saved from a fire in England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts. “They also saved us,” said the farmer’s very nervous kids.

12. Connecticut is the first state to allow judges to appoint attorneys as advocates for dogs and cats in cases of abuse and neglect. “So now I have two clients who can lick themselves,” said Steve Bannon’s lawyer.

13. On Monday, Russian gold-medal figure-skater Yulia Lipnitskaya retired from the sport at the age of 19. Or, according to Woody Allen, five years past her prime.

14. According to a new study, teens who start drinking at younger ages are more likely to have their first sexual encounter earlier than others. “Noted,” said teenage boys.

15. John Bolton, a former U.S. ambassador who at one point was a candidate to lead the State Department, claimed in an op-ed published Monday that he is no longer allowed to see President Trump. Or, as they refer to it in the Trump administration, being given ‘the Eric treatment.’

16. President Trump said he pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the middle of Hurricane Harry because he “assumed the ratings would be far higher.” So, maybe, if we can get a Sharknado going, he’ll announce his resignation.

17. Five people in South Africa were arrested this week for taking part in an alleged cannibalism ring after one man told police he was “tired of eating human flesh.” Proving once again, no one likes leftovers.

18. Last week, authorities in Saudi Arabia arrested teenage boy after he was seen publicly dancing to ‘The Macarena.’ And, since this is Saudi Arabia, I’m assuming it wasn’t at a bar-mitzvah.

19. ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham announced Wednesday that he is resigning from his role due to concerns regarding head injuries within the sport. In response, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith said, “Watermelon!”

20. Amazon and Microsoft announced on Wednesday a collaboration that will allow their respective voice assistants, Alexa and Cortana, to communicate with each other. But, so far, it’s just them talking shit about Siri.

21. According to a new study, young adults who use meth may have an increased risk of strokes. That story again, meth is bad.

22. President Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., has agreed to sit down for a transcribed interview with the Senate judiciary committee. Don Jr. agreed to the meeting after the Senate judiciary committee promised to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

23. According to a new study, women with high concentrations of common flame retardants in their urine may have a hard time getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. But, on the plus-side, if they do, fire-proof babies.

24. This weekend, an Asian-American actress on ABC’s ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ claimed that Hollywood is racist. “If that’s the case, why doesn’t Hollywood like me more?’ asked Trump.

25. Last week, the White House named Hope Hicks the interim director of communications. Well, they name her director of communications, everyone else just assumed the ‘interim’ part.

June 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A giant scaffold bearing the image of British Prime Minister Theresa May appeared on the cliffs of Dover on Monday, complete with a Union Flag skirt and a rude hand gesture indicating to the rest of Europe that it should go away. “That gives me an idea,” said Trump:

2. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby arrived for the first day of his sexual assault trial with Keshia Knight Pulliam, the actress who played Rudy on ‘The Cosby Show’ by his side. When asked why she chose to do that, Pulliam said, “Because it’s a lot safer than walking in front of him.”

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Also, that’s not what a USB port is for.

4. To promote its product, a condom company is running an ad asking the question, what if Donald Trump had never been born. “You know, it’s not too late to go with Plan B,” said Mike Pence.

5. Peter Laviolette, the head coach of the NHL’s Nashville Predators, has asked fans to stop throwing catfish onto the ice to celebrate goals. “Well, there goes my business,” said this guy:

6. At least 10 incoming freshmen to Harvard University have had their admission revoked for sharing anti-Semitic and racist content in an exclusive Facebook chat. But, on the plus side, they’ve all been given free rides to the University of Alabama.

7. A prostitution ring in Japan lets customers eat curry rice off of naked women. That way the burning sensation you feel when eating will match the burning sensation you’ll get when peeing.

8. Actor Jeremy Piven is putting his Malibu home on the market for $10.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d probably say “bro” a lot.

9. According to a new study, people who attend religious services tend to live longer. Turns out, ironically, Jesus may have made it past thirty-three if only he had gone to church more.

10. On Monday, George Conway, the husband of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway, criticized President Trump’s tweets about the administration’s temporary travel ban, saying they were undercutting the Justice Department’s ability to defend his policies. Adding, “Even my crazy-ass wife is having a hard time spinning this shit.”

April 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Simon, a 3-foot long Welsh rabbit, was found dead in the cargo hold of a United plane after a flight from London landed in Chicago on Tuesday. United apologized for the death of Simon, or, as he was referred to on the next outbound flight, the kosher meal.

2. Yesterday was First Lady Melania Trump’s birthday. Which, to Donald, means depreciation and another year off her trade-in value.

3. According to a new survey, 40% of men have asked their partner to change their pubic hair. “I can honestly say that has never been an issue,” said Jared Fogel.

4. A second parchment copy of the Declaration of Independence has been found in England. “Does it still have that bullshit about all men being created equal?” asked Steve Bannon.

5. Florida state senator Frank Artiles resigned last week after yelling obscenities and racial slurs inside a lounge frequented by lawmakers in the state capital. And, just like that, Fox News has found their Bill O’Reilly replacement.

6. Actor Rob Lowe has taken over the role of Colonel Sanders in KFC’s newest commercials. Rob reportedly got the job because he knew a guy on the inside:

7. A woman visiting Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo Sunday went into labor and gave birth while still on zoo grounds. The baby is doing well and the woman is said to be resting comfortably on a hot rock.

8. According to a ‘Washington Post’ article, White House aides have begun including local news headlines in the daily press clippings provided to President Trump because they are often more favorable. For instance, Timber Trace Elementary’s ‘School Gazette’ called Trump “really, really smart and super, duper tough.”

9. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. You can read more about it in this month’s ‘Medical Journal of Evil.’

10. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman lost half her body weight after undergoing surgery in India. The woman said her goal weight is to not be mistaken for a pyramid.

December 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Time Magazine named Donald Trump its ‘Person of the Year.’ But I wouldn’t worry about it, in the words of a very wise man, no one reads Time Magazine anymore:trump-tweet

2. This week, Pope Francis declared it a sin to distribute fake news. So it sounds like it’s time for Mary to finally come clean about that ‘immaculate’ conception.

3. A Florida man played dead in an effort to get an uninvited guest to leave his house. So maybe O.J. was just trying to get rid of Kato.

4. A new study found that being optimistic is linked to living a longer life. So, on the plus-side for Jets fans, it will all be over soon.

5. This week, a judge in Argentine ruled that it was okay for a woman to marry her stepdaughter. Or so begins Woody Allen’s latest letter to Penthouse Forum.
 
6. On Wednesday, ‘Forbes’ named Johnny Depp the world’s most overpaid actor. Begging the question, was Adam Sandler not getting paid for those movies?
 
7. A New Zealand man of Asian descent had his passport photograph rejected when facial recognition software mistakenly registered his eyes as being closed. “Note to self, never go to New Zealand,” said Ben Carson.

8. A conservationist crossed the English Channel in a motorized paraglider as part of a near three-month project to track the migration of swans across Europe. Look, I’m no expert, but did he ever think the swans weren’t so much migrating as they were just trying to get away from the weird guy flying on a kite right behind them?
 
9. In a recent interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said she went to bed early on election night. Adding, “And I’m hoping I’s still sleeping and this has all been a bad dream.”

10. Yesterday, Time Magazine named Donald Trump its ‘Person of the Year.’ While, for a record fifteenth year in a row SpongeBob SquarePants was named High Time Magazine’s ‘Person of the Year.’

December 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Merriam-Webster dictionary said, as of right now, the word of the year for 2016, which is based on number of lookups, is ‘fascism.’ Presumably because ‘WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON!?!’ isn’t a real word.

2. Over the weekend, Walt Disney World announced that it’s Spaceship Earth ride will be converted into a model of the Death Star from ‘Star Wars.’ But that’s still not the scariest update to a Disney attraction:
hall-of-presidents

3. The oldest-known survivor of the attack on Pearl Harbor returned to Hawaii over the weekend to commemorate the event’s 75th anniversary. Although, in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to make the anniversary party a surprise party.

4. A Muslim-American comedian who encountered Eric Trump on a plane, said Trump’s son assured him that his father, the President-elect, would not push for a Muslim registry. Eric said he would be happy to provide his assurance in writing, like in a letter, if the comedian would just give him his name, address, date of birth, and social security number.

5. An energy company in England determined that the Death Star in ‘Star Wars’ would cost $7.7 octillion per day to operate. Which explains the original line: “Luke, I am your father, can I borrow a couple of bucks?”

6. According to reports, comedian Amy Schumer is in talks to star in a live-action Barbie movie. As a result, Mattel has released a new Dreamhouse that is just an exact replica of the University of Wisconsin Sigma Chi fraternity house.

7. The New England Patriots placed tight end Rob Gronkowski on injured reserve on Saturday, ending his season one day after he underwent surgery to repair a herniated disk. But, on the plus side, at least the reasons that Patriot tight ends are missing the rest of the season are getting better:
hernandez

8. The price of the Make America Great Again Christmas tree ornament being sold on Donald Trump’s website has been lowered from $149 to $99. Because if Trump is good at anything, it’s lowering things like standards and expectations.

9. A coffee shop that uses sex robots to give customers oral sex is set to open in London this week. Wait, it hasn’t opened yet? Looks like I have some apologies to make to some employees at a British Starbucks.

10. A new app has launched that helps people identify which businesses are owned by Donald Trump so they can boycott them. Although, not knowing which businesses are owned by Trump never seemed like a huge problem:
trump-businesses

November 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, President Obama welcomed LeBron James and Donald Trump to the White House. The handshakes were very different:
hand

2. Yesterday, President Obama welcomed LeBron James and Donald Trump to the White House. Because ‘welcomed’ is a very broad term.
 
3. Yesterday, two bald eagles got stuck in a storm drain near Orlando, Florida. Authorities called it a peculiar situation while Democrats called it an apt metaphor.

4. Wednesday night, many Americans exercised their rights to freedom of speech and freedom of assembly by taking to the streets to protest Donald Trump’s presidential victory. Something that Donald Trump himself said he approved of because, them gathering together in one place, makes it much easier for him to deport them.
 
5. Yesterday, after a meeting at the White House, Donald Trump said it was the first time he had ever met President Obama. So, on the plus side, he can tell them apart.
 
6.  During his visit to the White House yesterday, Donald Trump said he would be seek counsel from President Obama. Presumably for restaurant recommendations if he ever finds himself in Kenya.

7. Scientists have discovered a new species of frog in Australia that flashes its genitals to ward off enemies. So maybe, just maybe, Anthony Weiner has been scared and trying to defend himself this whole time.

8. Scientists in Britain have developed an accurate HIV test that uses a USB stick. And, in related news, Magic Johnson’s laptop has exploded.

9. A program at Yale University is working to bring solar power to low-income households. Or, as they are known around campus, the homes of Penn grads.

10. A major Australian hotel chain was ordered to pay $1.9 million to more than 1500 of its cleaners after a court ruled that the hotel had misclassified them as independent contractors. The hotel left the money on the bureau.

11. A man in Britain has invented an app that helps men who suffer from premature ejaculation. The app is just a bunch of pictures of Ann Coulter.

12. It is being reported that president elect Donald Trump is considering Rudy Giuliani for Attorney General and Newt Gingrich for Secretary of State. Begging the question, if they’re in Washington who will be watering the plants on Skull Island?

13. German Chancellor Angela Merkel on Wednesday congratulated Donald Trump on his election victory and offered to work closely with him on the basis of the values of democracy, freedom, respect for the law and for the dignity of people. “Hard pass,” said Trump.
 
14. After California legalized recreational marijuana use on Tuesday, rapper Snoop Dogg took to Twitter to celebrate the outcome. I’m just happy that Snoop finally gets to try pot for the very first time.

15. Singer Justin Bieber is allowing anyone to spend New Years Eve with him for just $500,000. Which is perfect if you New Years’ resolution is to be a fucking moron.

16. Last week, a chimpanzee who spent years smoking and drinking while dealing cards at Russian casino died from a heart attack at the age of twenty-four. Although doctors claim the heart attack wasn’t caused by the smoking and drinking, but instead, because it finally happened:
banana

17. A former dentist has created a prosthetic mouthpiece that he claims gives better blowjobs. And I thought getting a lollipop was a happy ending a visit to the dentist.

18. To celebrate the Cubs World Series victory, the city dyed the Chicago River blue. But that doesn’t explain why Cleveland’s Cuyahooga River is brown in spite of the fact that the Browns haven’t won a championship in decades.

19. Police in England are looking for a man who stole $160,000 worth of accordions. He is believed to be armed and dangerous, thus earning him the moniker ‘Feared Al.’

20. In a recent interview, reality-TV star Khloe Kardashian said she loves going to Cleveland because no one recognizes her there. Marking the first time I have ever been jealous of people who live in Cleveland.