May 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former-teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and former-student-turned-husband Vili Fualaau have filed for divorce after 12 years of marriage. Fualaau shouldn’t be surprised, he, better than anyone, should know that Letourneau begins to lose interest once something turns twelve.

2. After recent revelations about his contacts with Russia, Jared Kushner is being pressured to take a leave of absence from the White House. Of course, the easiest way to convince someone to take a leave of absence from the White House is to get them to marry Donald Trump.

3. On Tuesday, the owner of Pennsylvania’s Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, the site of a 1979 partial meltdown, said he plans to close the facility sometime in the next twenty-four months. And, to illustrate his point, he held up twenty-four fingers.

4. After a recent UFC fight in Sweden, the winning MMA fighter proposed to his girlfriend inside the octagon. The two then embraced in the middle of the fighting ring, or, as Chris Brown refers to it, a second date.

5. On Tuesday, White House communications director Michael Dubke resigned. “Wait, you can do that?” asked Sean Spicer.

6. The Lebanese ministry is calling for a boycott of the upcoming ‘Wonder Woman’ film because lead actress Gal Gadot is Israeli. So who wants to break the bad news to Lebanon about the rest of Hollywood?

7. According to reports, President Trump has traded in his old Android smartphone for a new iPhone. Or, as Melania calls it, foreshadowing.

8. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit videos with the title “What I Learned from PornHub.” I can only speak for myself, but I learned that having a strong father figure in your life is very important.

9. A biologist in Cuba has discovered that snakes hunt in packs. So, if you hear a lot of rattling, it’s either a group of rattlesnakes or a Mariachi band, either way, you should run.

10. According to a new study, a round of golf is equivalent to a week’s worth of exercise. Yet another thing that apparently Donald Trump is doing wrong:

May 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly said if people knew what he knew, they’d “never leave the house.” “Way ahead of you,” said Melania.

2. According to a new study, A moderate-intensity walking regimen may reduce symptoms of mild cognitive impairment that are linked to poor blood vessel health in the brain. And, in related news:

3. Multiple outlets are reporting that President Trump’s son-in-law and senior adviser Jared Kushner talked with the Russian ambassador in December about establishing a back channel for communications. Although, at this point, instead of a back line, wouldn’t it make more sense to set up some kind of group chat?:

4. According to reports, the White House is considering hiring lawyers to vet President Trump’s tweets before he sends them. Forget lawyers, I’d be happy if he ran them by spellcheck first.

5. A dad in Oklahoma pranked his son by picking him up on the last day of high school wearing nothing but a speedo. So, I guess, make that 14 reasons why.

6. According to “The New York Post,” embattled comedian Bill Cosby lives in constant fear of someone slipping something into his food or drink. And, by the look of him, I’m guessing that something is a fruit or vegetable:

7. A California woman claims to have married an historic San Diego train station. But why marry a train station, when Penn Station will fuck you for free everyday.

8. According to reports, during the G7 meetings in Italy, German Chancellor Angela Merkel whispered something to President Trump. But, I’m assuming, Trump just thought one of the voices inside his head had learned German.

9. Barbra Streisand’s 14-year-old dog Sammie died over the weekend. But, unlike the book, Old Yeller is still alive:

10. A group of 8th graders on a field trip to Washington D.C. over the weekend, refused to have their picture taken with House Speaker Paul Ryan. And Ryan was not happy when he was informed that the kids would not be showing up for the photoshoot:

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A 25-year-old woman faces drug charges after police say she handed a detective a partially smoked “blunt” while getting out of a vehicle during a traffic stop. But, in her defense, she needed to get her license and registration and her other hand was busy holding her beer.

2. The service dog of a Virginia high school student got its own headshot in the yearbook. Which makes the fact that Mike Rositano was still voted “Most Likely to Lick Himself in Public” even more embarrassing.

3. A man was arrested early Thursday morning after he backed a tractor-trailer through the front doors of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel. Because, as everyone knows, if you want to use the backdoor you have to negotiate that beforehand.

4. On Wednesday, Pope Francis jokingly asked First Lady Melania Trump what she feeds the President. I don’t know, but if I had to guess, I’d say increasingly larger amounts of arsenic.

5. A black man, who underwent a penis transplant, will have his new appendage completely tattooed because the donor was white. But it still won’t change the fact that apparently he’s Jewish now.

6. A Wikipedia page dedicated to Hillary Clinton redirected to Adolf Hilter’s autobiography ‘Mein Kampf’ on Monday for over 16 hours. Even more surprising, Steve Bannon’s page didn’t.

7. On Monday, a four-by-four foot sink hole formed in front of President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. That story again, Trump still has a direct line of communication with Roger Ailes.


8. A big game hunter in Africa died after a shot elephant fell on him. The coroner listed his cause of death as “two tons of irony.”

9. According to a new report, former FBI Director James Comey once tried to blend into the curtains in the Oval Office to avoid being seen by President Trump. “Find you own hiding spot,” said Melania, who was already in those curtains.

10. Fox News on Friday announced that it had fired “The Five” co-host Bob Beckel for an untoward remark he made to an employee of color. Fox News said they cannot support that type of inflammatory language directed at an African-American unless that person is the president.

May 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Walmart banned a customer from shopping after she was caught on video hurling racial abuse at other customers at a store in Arkansas. But, it’s not all bad news for the woman, a Walmart in Alabama has hired her as a greeter.

2. A 25-year-old woman faces drug charges after police say she handed a detective a partially smoked “blunt” while getting out of a vehicle during a traffic stop. But, in her defense, she needed to get her license and registration and her other hand was busy holding her beer.

3. The service dog of a Virginia high school student got its own headshot in the yearbook. Which makes the fact that Mike Rositano was still voted “Most Likely to Lick Himself in Public” even more embarrassing.

4. According to reports, German Chancellor Angela Merkel showed President Trump a map of the old USSR as a warning about Vladimir Putin’s ambitions. Said Trump, “Does all that read mean they voted for me?”

5. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg returned on Thursday to Harvard University to urge its graduating class to help create a new social safety net to allow creative risk-taking. And then, once the students create it, Zuckerberg will steal it, not cut the students in and take full credit for it.

6. A man was arrested early Thursday morning after he backed a tractor-trailer through the front doors of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel. Because, as everyone knows, if you want to use the backdoor you have to negotiate that beforehand.

7. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so large as a defense mechanism against being eaten. Although, if they really wanted to avoid being eaten, they should have followed kale’s lead and evolved into tasting like shit.

8. According to a new study, the more pictures a couple posts of themselves on social media the less likely their relationship is to last. Especially if your wife finds the pictures.

9. Yesterday, Dr. Ben Carson said he thinks “poverty is a state of mind.” Pretty astonishing that the Director of Housing and Urban Development who is also a former brain surgeon somehow managed to craft a statement that is wrong about both housing and the brain.

10. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. Although, isn’t the real story that a 79-year-old guy named ‘Wilbur’ was actually awake at some point?

11. According to a new study, fathers are more responsive and attentive to their young daughters than they are with their sons. Sometimes, a little too attentive:

12. While in Saudi Arabia, a five-story image of President Trump’s face was projected onto the side of the Ritz Carlton hotel. Hey, don’t give him any ideas, right now he’s just putting his name on things over here.

13. A man and two women were arrested for having a threesome on a restaurant’s deck alongside the Mississippi River in broad daylight. Or, as it is more commonly known around those parts, a family reunion.

14. Page Six reported that, according to an anonymous source, actress Scarlet Johanson and Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost were seen making out Saturday night at the wrap party after SNL’s season finale. Although, I’m betting the anonymous source was Jost himself, because who’s more anonymous than Colin Jost?

15. Just hours after winning pole for the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday, driver Scott Dixon was robbed at gunpoint by two men while at a Taco Bell drive-thru. Dixon tried to drive away, but he kept making left turns and winding up at the same spot.

16. A Florida woman is accused of leaving her 1-year-old son in a drug den after she went there to purchase meth. But, in the woman’s defense, she didn’t have any money, really wanted that meth and the kid had a street value of $87.

17. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Weiner was reportedly whatever the opposite of ‘blinded-sided’ is.

18. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after he put an eel in his butt in an attempt to cure his constipation problems. It worked, it didn’t cure his constipation, but now he’s got bigger problems.

May 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Pope Francis jokingly asked First Lady Melania Trump what she feeds the President. I don’t know, but if I had to guess, I’d say increasingly larger amounts of arsenic.

2. On Wednesday, Pope Francis jokingly asked First Lady Melania Trump what she feeds the President. And I don’t know what’s funnier, that the Pope thinks Melania cooks or that they actually eat meals together.

3. According to a new report, a group of experts have determined that President Trump’s speech has deteriorated in recent years. But I’m guilty of that too, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “there are no words” since he took office.

4. Yesterday, President Trump met Pope Francis in Vatican City and they exchanged gifts. The Pope gave Trump a copy of Laudato Si, a book on the environment and climate change, and Trump gave the Pope a map of his electoral college victory.

5. According to reports, President Trump’s advisers are drafting plans to sell some public assets to help pay for improvements to the nation’s aging infrastructure. If they’re strapped for cash, why not rent out the White House, it rarely gets used on the weekends:

6. The entire country of Sweden has been listed on Airbnb. “Sorry, but we already bought a country this year,” said Russia.

7. This week, actor Tom Cruise confirmed that a sequel to ‘Top Gun’ is in the works, with an expected release date sometime in 2019. But, if you can’t wait until then to get your fill of dogfights in the sky, you can literally take any commercial flight.

8. Tuesday, President Trump introduced a new budget proposal entitled ‘A New Foundation for American Greatness.’ Which is good news, because the old foundation ain’t doing so hot:

9. According to a new study, good-looking scientists are less likely to be taken seriously academically than their less attractive counterparts. Well that settles it, let’s get our ugliest people to work on climate change.

10. A man in Russia recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding the ring in his stomach wound and making her to change the bandage. That story again, a man in Russia is in the market for a new girlfriend and a new nurse.

May 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s wife, Sara, offered sympathetic words to visiting President Trump and his wife Melania on Monday, telling them that people still loved them despite negative media coverage. Trump said he was not used to hearing such kind words, at least, not without them having to be translated from Russian first.

2. Stephen Colbert recently revealed that former GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz once went on “The Late Show” and asked the host if he could “humanize” him. Which would have made following Letterman the second hardest task Colbert has ever undertaken.

3. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. “The key is pretending to fall asleep before he starts his ‘performance’,” said Melania.

4. According to ‘Politico,’ First Lady Melania Trump tracks the news of the day and alerts President Trump to stories that she thinks make him look bad. Although, I’m willing to bet, she may not be passing along all those stories this week:

5. Former CIA Director John Brennan said on Tuesday that he warned the head of Russia’s FSB Security Service last summer that any interference in the U.S. election would hurt U.S.-Russian relations. Turns out, he was wrong:

6. A black man, who underwent a penis transplant, will have his new appendage completely tattooed because the donor was white. But it still won’t change the fact that apparently he’s Jewish now.

7. A Wikipedia page dedicated to Hillary Clinton redirected to Adolf Hilter’s autobiography ‘Mein Kampf’ on Monday for over 16 hours. Even more surprising, Steve Bannon’s page didn’t.

8. Paris Hilton has filed a federal lawsuit over a Hallmark greeting card that uses a photo of the heiress and her trademarked phrase “That’s Hot.” Customers who bought the card are also suing because when they licked the stamp to send it, they somehow contracted gonorrhea.

9. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. That story again, scientists have run out of things to study.

10. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. Which explains this recent NASA transmission: “That’s one small step for man, one … oh, what did I just step in? What was it? Why did we even bring that up here? Oh come on!”

May 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, a four-by-four foot sink hole formed in front of President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. That story again, Trump still has a direct line of communication with Roger Ailes.

2. It is being reported that fans at future Las Vegas Raiders NFL games will be able to legally place bets on their phones from inside the planned 65,000 seat stadium. “That’s crazy,” said the Cleveland Browns, “How do you get fans into your stadium?”


3. A big game hunter in Africa died after a shot elephant fell on him. The coroner listed his cause of death as “two tons of irony.”

4. A new study found that cannibalism may lead to dementia. Either way, a brain is a terrible thing to waste.

5. On Friday, committee leaders announced that Former FBI Director James Comey will testify publicly before the Senate intelligence committee. “Can I fire him again?” asked Trump.

6. A 6-year-old boy from Japan has set the Guinness Record for youngest club DJ in the world. He also set the record for world’s smallest douchebag.

7. According to reports, the Trump administration is exploring whether it can use an obscure ethics rule to undermine the appointment of Special Counsel Robert Mueller. But, first thing’s first, they have to google ‘what are ethics?’

8. On Monday, Tokyo Olympic organizers announced a competition to design the mascots for the 2020 Olympic and Paralympic Games. So far the leading candidate for the Olympic Games is a panda and for the Paralympic Games a panda that lived next to the Fukushima power plant.

9. When President Trump met Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi over the weekend, Trump reportedly complimented el-Sisi on his shoes. Presumably because he doesn’t have tits to compliment.

10. Cornell University will honor former-Vice President Joe Biden and his well-known love for ice cream by naming a new flavor in his honor. Thus making Chris Christie even more pissed that Trump didn’t make him VP.

May 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, former FBI Director James Comey once tried to blend into the curtains in the Oval Office to avoid being seen by President Trump. “Find you own hiding spot,” said Melania, who was already in those curtains.

2. Fox News on Friday announced that it had fired “The Five” co-host Bob Beckel for an untoward remark he made to an employee of color. Fox News said they cannot support that type of inflammatory language directed at an African-American unless that person is the president.

3. A GPS company is offering customers the option of choosing Donald Trump’s voice as their navigation voice. There is also a Hillary Clinton option, but, even if you ask, it refuses to give you directions to Michigan or Wisconsin.

4. According to ‘The New York Times,’ President Donald Trump bragged to two Russian officials last week that firing “nut job” FBI Director James Comey eased “great pressure” on him. The last time Trump was able to ease such pressure was the previous night when he took off his spanx.

5. A kung fu master in China used his genitals to pull a 13 ton bus. And yet, that is only the second most disturbing story involving genitals and a bus:

6. As a result of pleading guilty to sexting a fifteen-year-old girl, former Congressman Anthony Weiner will have to register as a sex offender. Thus tarnishing the otherwise good name of Anthony Weiner.

7. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. “You couldn’t have done this a year ago!” screamed Hillary.

8. Over the weekend, ‘Saturday Night Live’ cast member Vanessa Bayer announced that, after seven seasons, last Saturday’s episode was her last. Bayer played many beloved characters on the show, but you probably know her best from this announcement right now.

9. On Sunday, Pope Francis told a crowd of children that, when he was younger, he didn’t play soccer very well, which is how he earned the nickname “stiff leg.” Unfortunately, this was not the first time a Catholic priest told kids about a stiff body part.

10. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has demanded his government ministers attend the arrival ceremony of President Trump this morning after several of them said they were going to skip it. But, I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about it, Trump is used to small crowds:

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. That story again, someone finally found the last horcrux.

2. Former president George W. Bush attended a Texas Rangers baseball game Wednesday evening and photobombed a reporter while she was live on TV. Then, after the photobomb, he just stood behind her for the rest of the report because he didn’t have a good exit strategy.

3. A British wing suit pilot will attempt to break four world record by skydiving from 42,000 feet. One of those records, word’s deadest man.

4. According to a new report, President Trump will give a speech on Islam when he visits Saudi Arabia later this month. Although, wouldn’t it be quicker if he just drew a picture of Mohammed?

5. A Florida woman recently filed a lawsuit in Mississippi against a Confederate group claiming that a camel named Sir Camelot bit her at the site of the Jefferson Davis Home and Presidential Library in Biloxi. And, still, the most surprising part of that story is that there’s a library in Mississippi.

6. According to a new report, President Trump doesn’t exercise because he believes it drains the body’s ‘finite’ energy resources. Man, that guy really doesn’t like gyms/Jims:

7. Several dozen torch-wielding protesters gathered in Virginia’s Lee Park Saturday night to protest the removal of a Confederate statue. When reached for comment, Eric Trump said, “Fire bad!”:

8. President Donald Trump said on Saturday he wants to move quickly to nominate a new FBI director to replace James Comey. But Trump will be forced to move slower if there are stairs involved.

9. The world’s heaviest man, who at one point weighed 1,300 pounds, has undergone successful gastric bypass surgery. Although the operating doctor hesitated to label anything that involved him seeing a 1,300-pound man naked ‘a success.’

10. Last Friday, Newt Gingrich said President Trump is “like a quarterback who gets ahead of his own offensive line so they can’t block for him.” But, in Trump’s defense, he’s pretty good at creating his own offensive lines:

May 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands revealed that he has been living a secret double life as an airline co-pilot for the past 21 years. Not to be outdone, for the past 37 years, Queen Elizabeth has had a side job working the Burger King drive-thru:

2. Early Thursday morning, President Trump took to Twitter to weigh in on the latest developments in the Russia investigation saying, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” And no one is more of a scholar of American history than Trump, just ask his friend Frederick Douglass.

3. This week, right-wing conspiracy theorist and all-around nut job, Alex Jones apologized to Chobani for unfounded claims he made about the yogurt company. That story again, a combination of bacteria and fermented milk apologized to yogurt.

4. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. That story again, someone finally found the last horcrux.

5. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. Ailes left his fingerprints all over cable news and most of the female newscasters as well.

6. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. He died doing what he loved, getting rid of people who got too old.

7. Pepsi announced a new cinnamon-flavored soda called Pepsi Fire that will be in stores nationwide next week. Begging the question, is Dr. Pepper gonna have to cut a bitch?

8. A study has proved almost 50 percent of people keep their snacking habits in the workplace a secret. So I guess my officemate who eats with his mouth open is part of the other 50 percent.

9. Country singer Toby Keith will put on a ‘men-only’ performance in Saudi Arabia to celebrate President Trump’s visit next week. Which goes against everything I’ve ever learned about Arab countries, I thought they were into punishing women.

10. Former president George W. Bush attended a Texas Rangers baseball game Wednesday evening and photobombed a reporter while she was live on TV. Then he just stood behind her for the rest of the report after the photobomb because he didn’t have a good exit strategy.

11. Wednesday, President Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy where he said, “You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve.” Adding, “But if the person doing those things to you is a star, you just have to let them.”

12. Professional football player Antonio Cromartie is set to have his third child since his vasectomy and his thirteenth overall. “Dude, relax,” said Octomom.

13. According to a new study, women want a partner that looks like their brother. “Yeah, looks like,” said a very nervous Princess Leia.

14. In response to whether the Senate could pass the new healthcare bill and swear-in a new head of the FBI, Senator Marco Rubio said, “We should be able to walk, chew gum and confirm an FBI director at the same time.” Says the guy who literally could not stand and drink water at the same time:

15. A New York man set a new world record by extinguishing more than 30 matches with his tongue in a minute. He wasn’t trying to set a record, it was actually doctor prescribed, he used to date Paris Hilton.

16. According to reports, President Trump is expected to have an entourage of over 1,000 people when he makes his first international trip next week. That story again, President Trump personally invited everyone who attended his inauguration to go to Israel with him.

17. President Trump threatened Friday morning to end White House press briefings, arguing that “it is not possible” for his staff to speak with “perfect accuracy” to the American people. Even worse, Sean Spicer can’t get his old job back because the position has already been filled:

18. FBI agents are updating their Facebook profiles to pictures of ousted FBI Director James Comey as a sign of solidarity. While Comey himself is updating his LinkedIn profile.