Tag Archives: George Bush

May 13, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. But the man is not out of the woods yet, he still has to deal with the trademark infringement suit from Arby’s.

2. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. That story again, man narrowly avoids being the most popular person in prison. 

3. According to the New York Times, President Trump’s businesses lost a total of more than $1 billion from 1985 to 1994. So maybe we had it backwards and Melania had him sign a prenup.

4. On Thursday, President Trump held an impromptu press conference and said he was very upset that his son Don Jr. had been subpoenaed by the Senate. He was upset because of the subpoena, but even more upset that people knew Don Jr was his son.

5. According to a new study, drinking water that is contaminated with even moderate levels of arsenic may lead to harmful to your heart. “What about arsenic contaminated with water?” asked residents of Flint, Michigan.

6. New research has determined that couples are having less sex than in the previous two decades. Begging the question, what’s less than zero?:

7. According to a new study, sunscreen enters the bloodstream after just one day of use. That story again, Mike Pence is somehow even whiter on the inside.

8. While presenting the Army Black Knights football team with the Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy Monday, President Trump said he’s looking at “doing a waiver for service academy athletes who can get into the major leagues.” Trump may flip-flop on a lot of issues, but he has never wavered on his dedication to avoiding military service.

9. On Wednesday, Denver residents voted to became the first city in the U.S. to decriminalize magic mushrooms. Voters said the hardest part was getting to the voting booth, especially after the voting booth morphed into a fire breathing dragon.

10. HBO updated the most recent episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ to digitally remove a coffee cup that accidentally made its way into a scene. “Wait, HBO has the ability to digitally remove things from shows?” asked the kid who played Tony Soprano’s son.

11. This week, Sheriff’s officials in Punta Gorda, Florida said a woman pulled a small alligator from her yoga pants during a traffic stop. And still the most surprising part of that story was that someone was wearing pants in Florida.

12. President Trump directed his re-election campaign to issue a blistering statement condemning a longtime political adviser who used Trump’s name to raise millions of dollars for an unaffiliated political group. If the President thinks that’s bad, wait till he finds out who else is using his name:

13. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell on Tuesday sought to slam the door on further investigations of President Donald Trump by declaring “case closed” after a two-year probe of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 elections. “You should hang a banner,” said George W. Bush:

14. Lady Gaga made a grand entrance at New York’s annual Met Gala on Monday, wearing a voluminous bright pink dress that she shed on the red carpet to reveal three other outfits layered underneath, including a bra and underwear. Of course, when Lady Gaga does it she’s ‘a style icon,’ but when I do it I’m ‘causing a scene at this Waffle House.”

15. This week, First Lady Melania Trump celebrated the first anniversary of her Be Best campaign. And Melania celebrated this anniversary like she does all other anniversaries in her life:

16. Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is denying allegations that he helped three people steal more than $3,500 in merchandise from a California yoga studio. So I guess it must have been another 6’7” heavily tattooed black man, with blue hair and earrings in his ears, nose, mouth and eyebrows.

17. President Trump, said on Thursday that he sometimes serves as a counterbalance to his hard-charging national security adviser, John Bolton. What? Do you know how legit crazy you have to be for Donald Trump to be the voice of reason?

18. An Uber driver in Pittsburgh has been arrested on charges of kidnapping after he was accused of trying to lock two women in his car and saying, “you’re not going anywhere.” Being trapped in a vehicle and told you’re not going anywhere is textbook kidnapping, unless you’re Spirit Airlines, then it’s just a business plan.

December 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, President Trump called for national voter I.D. laws and accused people of voting illegally, saying, “They go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again.” And, just like that, Melania has a new escape plan:

melania hat

2. According to a report, President Trump has two iPhones, one that he uses for calls and one that he uses for Twitter. And also a third phone on which he can call Grover:

trump phone

3. During the recent G20 Summit in Argentina, President Trump was caught on a hot mic saying “Get me out here.” Which I can only assumes means the room he wanted to leave contained either a book, a treadmill or Eric. 

4. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. And, in related news, the people in that lady’s will have asked Taco Bell to change their slogan from ‘Live Mas’ to “You Had a Good Run.” 

5. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. She said she wanted to celebrate in a place where she was the healthiest person in the room.

6. In her upcoming memoir “Becoming,” former First Lady Michelle Obama reveals that she stopped even trying to smile during President Trump’s inauguration. “The key is to imagine you’re anywhere else,” said Melania.

7. Nebraska recently revealed it’s new tourism slogan, “Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.” “Message received,” said black people.

8. Last month, Ethiopia appointed the country’s first female president. Because you can’t scream “but her emails,” when you don’t even have the internet.

9. A woman in the U.K. claims to have had sex with twenty ghosts. A lady who is attracted to pale figures from a bygone age or, as she is more commonly known, Karen Pence.

10. Last week, a Mandarin duck native to China and Japan was spotted in Central Park. It was spotted blocking the sidewalk as New York City ducks were trying to get to work in the morning.

11. Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with fellow-rapper Ja Rule by buying 200 front row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. So I can’t wait to find out what Donald Trump did to piss off 50 Cent:

trump crowd

12. A 69-year-old man in the Netherlands is suing his local government so he can legally lower his age by more than twenty year because he identifies as a 45-year-old in an effort to meet more women on Tinder. That story again, a man in the Netherlands is the only person not lying about his age on Tinder.

13. Last week, President Trump floated the idea of the U.S. charging tariffs on wines imported from France. In response, the fourth hour of the Today Show has succeeded from America.

14. In a recently published study, scientists determined that, in the near future, self-driving cars will be used for sex. That story again, Kit has seen some shit:

kitt

15. A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at auction this weekend. That story again, they are auctioning off a bed that has never been slept in by Hillary Clinton.

16. According to a new survey, 49 percent of men do not considering kissing someone else cheating. That story again, 49 percent of men took a survey not standing next to their significant other.

17. Starbucks announced that it will start blocking customers from accessing pornography on their in-store wi-fi in 2019. Which explains Dunkin Donuts new slogan “Welcome Creeps!”

18. Last week, while paying his respects to the late George H.W. Bush, former Republican  Bob Dole rose form his wheelchair and saluted the former president. Which has got to be the absolute best outcome from a story that includes the words ‘Bob Dole’ and ‘rose’:

dole

19. A new study has found that there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem that is on the severe end of the spectrum. That story again, scientists have too much time on their hands.

20. This past week, Russia’s state-of-the-art robot was revealed to be a man in a robot costume. Man, Russia is so far behind the times, in the U.S. we already have a robot in a man costume:

romney robot

April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

October 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Historians in France have discovered what they believe is a nude sketch of the Mona Lisa. Even crazier, they also found a sex tape:

2. Arthur Janov, a psychotherapist known for developing primal scream therapy, has died at the age of 93. So good luck getting a moment of silence at that funeral.

3. On Tuesday, director Brett Ratner tapped actor Jared Leto to play Hugh Hefner in an upcoming biopic of the ‘Playboy’ founder. So if Hugh hadn’t died last week, this probably would have done it.

4. Comedian Nick Cannon refused to apologize Wednesday night after using offensive words during a performance at a Catholic university. The objectionable language included the f-word, the n-word and the phrase “coming to the stage next, Nick Cannon.”

5. According to reports, at a maximum-security prison in Alaska, inmates were stripped naked in front of female guards and walked around on a dog leash. “Alright, maybe I will like prison,” said Anthony Weiner.

6. According to reports, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign back in July, but Vice President Mike Pence convinced him to stay by giving him a pep talk. A pep talk that Pence has gotten very good at after having to deliver it daily to Melania.

7. Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi said Friday that O.J. Simpson is not welcome to relocate to Florida once he’s released from prison. So my advice to Simpson is to not move to Florida and my advice to Bondi is to not forget her glasses at a restaurant.

8. President Donald Trump reportedly called Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones four times asking him not to have the team kneel during the national anthem before their last game. Which makes this picture so much funnier:

9. In a recent poll, where respondents were asked to give a one word description of President Trump, the ten most common responses were “incompetent,” “arrogant,” “strong, “idiot,” “egotistical,” “ignorant,” “great,” “racist,” “ass” and “narcissistic.” “Man, what’s a guy got to do to get the word ‘dotard’ trending,” said Kim Jong Un.

10. Country music superstar Garth Brooks announced this week that he is writing an autobiography that will span five books. And, from the look of Brooks, I’m guessing two of the books are a recipe for rice pudding:

11. British tennis player Dan Evans has been banned from competitive play for a year after testing positive for cocaine. Authorities became suspicious after he altered his side of the court just a bit:

12. On Wednesday, the Nobel Prize in Chemistry was awarded to three scientists for their discoveries in cryoelectron microscopy. Coming in a close second was President Trump with his discovery that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

13. After being released from prison, O.J. Simpson said “nothing has changed” in his life during the nine years he spent behind bars. “You’d be surprised,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

14. In a recent interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hasn’t decided if he will run for re-election in 2018. Or, I assume, skip the election and just declare himself the winner.

15. United Airlines just launched the shortest domestic flight that is only sixteen minutes long. But, in the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie,’ so it feels much longer.

16. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have left customers vulnerable to identity theft. Which is weird because I’ve never seen anyone eating at a Sonic and thought “man, that guy has his life together, I’d love to be him.”

17. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have allowed hackers to access customer’s credit card information. I’m usually not in favor of identity theft, but some guys have it coming:

18. All five former living U.S. presidents will take part in a benefit concert for hurricane relief later this month. All of them agreed to participate due to their deep-seated desire to help Americans in need, except for Clinton, he just wants to meet Rihanna.

19. Last week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk predicted one day soon rockets will be able to fly people from New York to Shanghai in just 39 minutes. “Dammit, I resigned too soon,” said Tom Price.

20. A North Carolina man was arrested and charged with trying to hide marijuana in the bushes outside a courthouse before a probation hearing. “Yeah, I could have told you that’s not a good hiding spot,” said one man:

May 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Thursday, King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands revealed that he has been living a secret double life as an airline co-pilot for the past 21 years. Not to be outdone, for the past 37 years, Queen Elizabeth has had a side job working the Burger King drive-thru:

2. Early Thursday morning, President Trump took to Twitter to weigh in on the latest developments in the Russia investigation saying, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” And no one is more of a scholar of American history than Trump, just ask his friend Frederick Douglass.

3. This week, right-wing conspiracy theorist and all-around nut job, Alex Jones apologized to Chobani for unfounded claims he made about the yogurt company. That story again, a combination of bacteria and fermented milk apologized to yogurt.

4. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. That story again, someone finally found the last horcrux.

5. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. Ailes left his fingerprints all over cable news and most of the female newscasters as well.

6. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. He died doing what he loved, getting rid of people who got too old.

7. Pepsi announced a new cinnamon-flavored soda called Pepsi Fire that will be in stores nationwide next week. Begging the question, is Dr. Pepper gonna have to cut a bitch?

8. A study has proved almost 50 percent of people keep their snacking habits in the workplace a secret. So I guess my officemate who eats with his mouth open is part of the other 50 percent.

9. Country singer Toby Keith will put on a ‘men-only’ performance in Saudi Arabia to celebrate President Trump’s visit next week. Which goes against everything I’ve ever learned about Arab countries, I thought they were into punishing women.

10. Former president George W. Bush attended a Texas Rangers baseball game Wednesday evening and photobombed a reporter while she was live on TV. Then he just stood behind her for the rest of the report after the photobomb because he didn’t have a good exit strategy.

11. Wednesday, President Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy where he said, “You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve.” Adding, “But if the person doing those things to you is a star, you just have to let them.”

12. Professional football player Antonio Cromartie is set to have his third child since his vasectomy and his thirteenth overall. “Dude, relax,” said Octomom.

13. According to a new study, women want a partner that looks like their brother. “Yeah, looks like,” said a very nervous Princess Leia.

14. In response to whether the Senate could pass the new healthcare bill and swear-in a new head of the FBI, Senator Marco Rubio said, “We should be able to walk, chew gum and confirm an FBI director at the same time.” Says the guy who literally could not stand and drink water at the same time:

15. A New York man set a new world record by extinguishing more than 30 matches with his tongue in a minute. He wasn’t trying to set a record, it was actually doctor prescribed, he used to date Paris Hilton.

16. According to reports, President Trump is expected to have an entourage of over 1,000 people when he makes his first international trip next week. That story again, President Trump personally invited everyone who attended his inauguration to go to Israel with him.

17. President Trump threatened Friday morning to end White House press briefings, arguing that “it is not possible” for his staff to speak with “perfect accuracy” to the American people. Even worse, Sean Spicer can’t get his old job back because the position has already been filled:

18. FBI agents are updating their Facebook profiles to pictures of ousted FBI Director James Comey as a sign of solidarity. While Comey himself is updating his LinkedIn profile.

February 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Former President Barack Obama was spotted kite-surfing in the Caribbean. Which is like stalking your ex on Facebook only to find out he’s completely moved on and is doing much better without you.

2. A South Carolina woman is accused of cutting a man’s throat before going on a verbal tirade in which she claimed to control President Donald Trump and referred to herself as Jesus Christ. And, yet despite all this, yesterday, she was confirmed as Secretary of Education. Congrats Betsy.

3. In a recent interview, actress Lena Dunham blamed her recently weight loss on her inability to eat after Donald Trump’s election. Alright, but that still doesn’t explain why Kellyanne Conway looks so terrible.

4. A group of good samaritans dressed as giraffes took down a fleeing shoplifter over the weekend in Britain. The shoplifter said next time he’ll come better prepared:
lion

5. On Monday, while talking about the current political climate, Democratic Senator and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi mistakenly referred to the President as “President Bush.” Pelosi caught her mistake and quickly corrected it by saying “President Bannon.”

6. According to researchers, the Statue of Liberty was originally conceived to be an Egyptian peasant, meaning she is most likely Muslim. Which explains why she’s spent the past 130 years in New York harbor and has never set foot on dry land.

7. Singer Madonna has been granted permission to adopt two more children from Malawi after the impoverished African nation’s High Court gave its approval. Said the judge, “Please pick me!”

8. A mother is pressing charges against a daycare worker she says was caught on surveillance video breastfeeding her child without her permission. “Why can’t you just be cool about this?” said the woman’s fifteen year-old son.

9. Actress Rosie O’Donnell took to Twitter on Tuesday to state her desire to play Donald Trump’s chief strategist Steve Bannon on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Although, I don’t know why SNL would opt for Rosie when they already have the real Bannon playing himself:
bannon

10. An Illinois-based dog food company was forced to recall its product after it was discovered to contain a euthanasia drug. So, I guess Fido isn’t as good at ‘playing’ dead as you thought.

January 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Prime Minister Theresa May promised on Sunday to challenge any “unacceptable” talk when she meets President Donald Trump later this week. And she might have her work cut out for her since the meeting is scheduled to take place on the Access Hollywood bus.

2. Political rival Hillary Clinton said she attended President Donald Trump inauguration on Friday to “honor democracy.” Because what better way to honor democracy than to attend it’s funeral.

3. President Donald Trump’s speech on Friday marked the first time the words “bleed,” “carnage,” “tombstones” and “sad” were ever used in an inauguration speech. And, hopefully, it also marked the last time the words “Donald,” “J,” and “Trump” were ever used in an inauguration speech.

4. Former President George H.W. Bush, who has spent nearly a week at a Houston hospital where he is being treated for pneumonia, watched the inauguration of President Donald Trump from the intensive care unit. Reportedly, after watching Trump’s speech, Bush said, “Just unplug it.”

5. The day after his swearing-in, President Donald Trump attended an interfaith prayer service at the Washington National Cathedral. It was a nice break for Trump to hear people around him say, “Dear, God,” instead of “Dear God!”

6. According to reports, President Donald Trump has added gold couches to the White House Oval Office. Or, more likely, he let a few Russian hookers loose on some previously white couches.

7. Despite reports that only 250,000 people showed up to Friday’s inauguration, President Donald Trump said from his perspective it looked like a million and a half. No surprise that a millionaire who constantly mistakes himself for a billionaire is not great at counting.

8. Over the weekend, the world got a preview of President Donald Trump’s new 2017 Cadillac presidential limousine sporting a new license plate the bears the number “1”. Which is both how Trump feels about himself and what he tells Russian prostitutes to do.

9. McDonald’s announced that they are offering two new versions of their classic Big Mac. So, now the coroner will have to be more specific on cause of death.

10. Britain’s police watchdog is conducting an investigation after officers were filmed firing a stun-gun at their own black race relations adviser who they apparently mistook for a wanted suspect. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like that guy has pretty good job security.

November 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was caught sneaking a peak at his wife Melania’s ballot while she was casting her vote. Which is not surprising, Trump has a long history of not trusting immigrants.

2. Musician Stevie Wonder proudly announced that yesterday he walked into the voting booth and cast his ballot for Hillary Clinton. Apparently, no one had the heart to tell him:
telephone1

3. Last night Donald Trump won the state of West Virginia. Although it’s not too surprising that a man who has openly talked about how hot his own daughter is won over the residents of West Virginia.

4. Yesterday, a pregnant woman in Colorado stopped to vote on her way to the hospital to give birth. She said she voted for Hillary because she didn’t think she could handle two juvenile, cry-babies in her life.

5. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange said on Tuesday the group’s publication of material linked to Hillary Clinton was not based on any desire to influence the U.S. presidential election. Said Assange, “Come on, we’re not the FBI.”

6. Election officials in three Pennsylvania counties said they believed no ballots had been wrongly counted as a result of computer malfunctions, despite reports on Tuesday that touch-screen voting machines in the state were switching votes. Although, it’s not a good sign that those counties were won by Pat Buchanan.

7. A tiger and polar bear in a Siberian zoo made contrasting presidential predictions on Tuesday, with Yunona, a female tiger, picking a pumpkin carved with the image of Clinton, while polar bear Felix opted for the Trump pumpkin. Although, if you think about it, isn’t picking any pumpkin kinda a vote for Trump?

8. Yesterday, a spokesman for George W. Bush said the former-president did not cast a vote for president. But he did take a picture of his empty ballot and sent it to Jeb just to rub it in.
 
9. Eric Trump may have broken the law Tuesday after he tweeted a picture of what appeared to be his own ballot with a vote for his father. Which many viewed as yet another attempt by Eric to win his father’s approval, which was ultimately futile because there’s no way Donald follows him on Twitter.

10. Two women were arrested yesterday morning after they staged a topless, anti-Donald Trump protest at a midtown polling location in New York City. Said Trump, “The last time I saw this many topless women screaming for me to ‘get out,’ I was in the contestants’ dressing room backstage at Miss Universe.”

October 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new poll, 40% of Americans don’t know who either vice presidential candidate, Mike Pence or Tim Kaine, are. While the other 60% aren’t as lucky.

2. On Tuesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said his running Mike Pence won the “single most decisive victory” in vice presidential debate history. Which is true, because never before has a vice presidential candidate bettered his opponent and his own running mate in just one debate.

3. A Paris swimming pool on Wednesday inaugurated a new heating system that uses warmth recovered from sewers in a bid to cut costs. And here’s a picture of the pool’s first swimmer, Augustus Gloop:
augustus

4. On Wednesday, former President George W. Bush appeared in a new TV ad urging everyone, regardless of who they support. Adding, “Every vote matters, unless you live in Florida circa 2000.”

5. According to reports, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton knew the questions ahead of time before appearing on Steve Harvey’s TV show earlier this year. As opposed to the normal course of business at ‘The Steve Harvey Show’ where guests don’t know the questions even after Steve has asked them.

6. On Tuesday, actress Sarah Jessica Parker hinted that talks were underway for a third ‘Sex and the City’ movie. To hear more about this, casually bring it up in conversation with your girlfriend.

7. Iraq’s Transportation Minister, Kazem Finjan, claims “ancient aliens” built earth’s first airports 7,000 years ago in the Middle East. And, somehow, those airports are in better condition than LaGuardia.

8. A man in the U.K. has been arrested for renovating his home while naked. But, on the plus side, HGTV has given him his own show entitled “Flip and Flop.”

9. During Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate, Democratic candidate Tim Kaine said Donald Trump has a personal Mount Rushmore that includes Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Muammar Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein. Which is a ridiculous claim, because there’s no way Trump would build a monument like that and not include himself.

10. At the beginning of Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine, moderator Elaine Quijano asked the audience to refrain from cheering or clapping during the proceedings. Which was not a problem, since a majority of the audience was asleep within ten minutes.