March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

April 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump continued his attacks against Amazon this week, accusing the company of scamming the US Postal Service. Trump’s also not a big fan of forever stamps, or, as he calls them, three and a half years stamps:

2. This week, Stormy Daniel’s lawyer said his client can describe the president’s genitalia in “great detail.” “That would be really helpful because I haven’t been able to see it for years,” said Trump.

3. According to a new study, female cyclists who participated in high-intensity rides reported improved sexual functions. That story again, make sure to wipe down the seat before you use a Citi bike:

4. President Trump delivered a speech at the annual White House Easter egg roll on Monday while standing beside First Lady Melania and an Easter bunny. So now Trump has made speeches next to a tortoise and a hare:

5. A shoe company has introduced a Dunkin Donuts-themed running sneaker. So if you like Dunkin Donuts and you like running, you’re lying about the running part.

6. Last weekend, 80’s sitcom star Roseanne Barr tweeted her support for a right-wing conspiracy theory involving child slaves. Not to be outdone, Urkel still believes in Pizzagate:

7. On Monday, President Trump announced his intention to nominate Justin Muzinich, an aide to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, to be the deputy secretary of the Treasury. Or, more likely he just forgot Steve Mnuchin’s name.

8. A Russian-made drone on its way to making a first parcel delivery crashed into a wall and crumbled to pieces in the Siberia on Monday. Or, as UPS refers to it, a successful delivery:

9. More than 200 instruments belonging to rock band Linkin Park are being sold to raise money for charity. Although, if you really want to do something good for the world, you’d take away Nickelback’s instruments.

10. President Trump, in his first public remarks about an allegedly affair with an adult film star, said on Thursday he did not know about a $130,000 payment made by his lawyer to actress Stormy Daniels. But, added Trump, “Considering how many times I nailed her, that seems like a pretty good price.”

11. President Trump asserted Thursday that women from Central America are raped at “levels that nobody has ever seen before.” “Seen, no, but I have heard about such a thing,” said Billy Bush.

12. Rescuers in California on Monday rescued a 13-year-old boy who was stuck in a drainage pipe for 12 hours. And, in an unrelated story, Jerry Sandusky has been seen hanging around plumbing stores.

April 18, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President Trump called a “60 Minutes” executive producer after his post-election interview aired to find out “if he had broke any ratings records.” Said the producer, “Technically, yes”:

2. Yesterday, President Trump tweeted out an endorsement for a book entitled “Reasons to Vote for Democrats,” which is just 260 blank pages. Coincidentally, the book also contains Trump’s plan to defeat ISIS.

3. United Airlines has once again come under fire after removing a couple heading to their wedding from a Houston flight on Saturday. It was the first of two aisle the groom-to-be had to be dragged down that weekend.

4. On Monday, Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer read the book “How to Catch the Easter Bunny” to a group of kids at the White House Easter Egg Roll. “Oooohh, I know! You gotta grab it, right!?!” said one enthusiastic listener:

5. Yesterday, the official White House Snapchat account called Betsy DeVos the “Secretary of Educatuon.” Which isn’t so much a typo as it is accurate.

6. This week, a drug-sniffing bearded dragon in Arizona was officially sworn in as a police officer. Which will be a nice change of pace for Arizona’s heroin addicts as this time the dragon will be chasing them.

7. On Thursday, Time Magazine will release its rankings of the 100 most powerful people in the world. And, if they have any sense of humor whatsoever, they’ll put Jared Kushner on the cover.

8. Over the weekend, Donald Trump Jr. was spotted around the pool at his father’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida wearing a t-shirt bearing the words “Very Fake News.” While Eric Trump was seen around the pool wearing a head-to-toe robe and cursing the sun:

9. It is being reported, that New York Knick Carmelo Anthony and his wife La La are separating after seven years of marriage. Said Carmelo, “This wasn’t what I meant when I told the Knicks I wanted to be a free agent.”

10. This week Vice President Mike Pence has been sent to South Korea. Because if anyone can sympathize with South Korea’s situation of being located directly beneath a madman, it’s Pence:

April 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Five top players for the World Cup champion U.S. women’s soccer team have filed a federal wage discrimination complaint claiming they are paid less than male players even though they generate more income for the United States Soccer Federation. “Wait, you guys are getting paid?” said WNBA players.

2. Today is April Fools Day. Or, as it’s known this year, the last day for this whole Trump thing to make sense.

3. Recently, political commentator Glenn Beck said Ted Cruz was anointed by God to become president. Which is funny, because I was pretty sure Cruz’s success was evidence that there is no God.

4. During a recent Republican town hall a woman asked John Kasich if he would consider a female as his running mate, to which Kasich responded, “Are you available? You look great tonight.” “You know, this guy is sounding more presidential every day,” said Bill Clinton.

5. Police in New York City are looking for a man who was seen on the J train this week blowing kisses at other riders while masturbating. Even more disgusting, sometimes he switched hands.

6. Police in New York City are looking for a man who was seen on the J train this week blowing kisses at other riders while masturbating. But, since it was the J train, police are going to have to be more specific.

7. Fernando Estrella, a 41-year-old man from the Bronx, was charged with drug trafficking and after authorities in Vermont discovered 1,428 bags of heroin hidden in his body. Which is why his friends call him Fernando “Clown Car” Estrella.

8. German Interior Minister Thomas de Maiziere said he is planning a new law that will require refugees to learn German and integrate into society, or else lose their permanent right of residence. And there’s nothing more comforting than when a high-ranking German official uses the phrase “or else.”

9. The parents of a ten-year-old boy in Oklahoma took there son to the hospital due to flu-like symptoms, but were shocked when x-rays revealed he had eaten eight magnets. Unsurprisingly, the magnets weren’t missed since the boy who thought it would be a good idea to eat eight magnets hasn’t brought home school work deemed fridge-worthy in a long time.

10. A male model known for his ‘man-bun’ hairdo says the hairstyle started in and is thus owned by Canada. “You can have it!” said the rest of the world.

11. Former Charlotte Bobcat Adam Morrison is prepared for the end of the world revealing recently that he has an apocalypse bunker supplied with guns and food. Morrison thought, or at least hoped, the world was coming to end once he got drafted by the Bobcats.

12. A new study found that starting the day with a cold shower can increase male fertility. Which makes sense because Kevin Federline’s landlord turned off his hot water 12 years ago.

13. Mexicans celebrating an Easter ritual late on Saturday burnt effigies of U.S. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump. And yet, somehow, the real Donald Trump still looks more burnt.

14. A Saudi man has been arrested for flying the rainbow gay-pride flag above his home in Jeddah. Said the disappointed man, “I was hoping the firefighters from my calendar would come and arrest me.”

15. Microsoft has unveiled its newest technology, the HoloLens, which allows people to view a live hologram of a person in another location. The technological advancements we’ve made in this generation are astonishing … and it’s already being used to send dick pics.

March 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Microsoft’s so-called chatbot that uses artificial intelligence to engage with millennials on Twitter, lasted less than a day before it was hobbled by a barrage of racist and sexist comments by Twitter users that it parroted back to them. Microsoft decided to shut down chatbot as opposed to its other option, have it run for president.

2. A rapper associated with the Wu Tang Clan has sued TMZ for incorrectly reporting two years ago that he severed his own penis and jumped out of a second-floor window. Said the rapper, “It was a third-floor window.”

3. A man was arrested in North Carolina on Thursday for renting a VHS tape of the movie “Freddie Got Fingered” fourteen years ago and never returning it. But, in the man’s defense, after watching the film he just assumed the store didn’t want it back.

4. A man was arrested in North Carolina on Thursday for renting a VHS tape of the movie “Freddie Got Fingered” fourteen years ago and never returning it. Ironically, now that he’s in jail, the man will soon have something in common with Freddie.

5. A new matchmaking services called Smell Dating has opened in New York which allows single people to pick out their perfect match by smelling the dirty T-shirts of potential dates. Which seems like a terrible idea because I’ve lived in New York City for ten years and never once thought, “Oh, that’s an interesting smell, I’d like to know more about it.”

6. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. Which means, in just two short years, there will be some young Yankees fans who never got the opportunity to shout at A-Rod that he’s gay.

7. A professional marks-woman on YouTube has posted an Easter-themed video where she tests a bulletproof vest made out of Peeps. That story again, a slightly-used, non-bulletproof vest made out of Peeps and a bunch of guns are now for sale.

8. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter has herpes. Which is just further proof that you should always wear a helmet when rounding the bases and heading for home.

9. A young lady in Britain who dresses up as Elsa from the Disney movie “Frozen” for children’s birthday parties also works as a call-girl at night. So god I hope that’s cupcake frosting on her dress.

10. A young lady in Britain who dresses up as Elsa from the Disney movie “Frozen” for children’s birthday parties also works as a call-girl at night. Said the birthday girl’s father, “On second thought, you don’t look familiar.”

11. According to a new survey, lots of ordinary people are into sex with a dash of voyeurism, fetishism and masochism, all habits classified as deviant in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Or, as it is known to those who took the survey, the Big Book of Ideas.

12. On Thursday, Piotr Lobodzinski of Poland won the Eiffel Tower race, running up the 1,665 steps of the Paris landmark in just 7 minutes and 48 seconds. And leave it up to a Polish guy to not realize there’s a elevator.

13. Last week, Madonna showed up over two hours late to her concert in Australia and then brought a 17-year-old fan on stage and pulled down the girl’s top to reveal one of her breasts. And you thought your grandmother was embarrassing.

March 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new dating app named “Sizzl” that allows single people who love bacon to meet. So it’s basically the exact opposite of J-Date.

2. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. After which he’ll undoubtedly spend more time at home with his loved ones:
arod

3. A professional marks-woman on YouTube has posted an Easter-themed video where she tests a bulletproof vest made out of Peeps. So, yeah, Jesus is probably not coming back this year either.

4. To celebrate actress Reese Witherspoon’s 40th birthday, comedian and friend Chelsea Handler stripped down to her birthday suit. Then everyone at the party immediately blew out the candles so there was less light in the room.

5. On Wednesday, artist Tracey Emin announced that she is marrying a rock. “I give it 3 million years,” said a geologist.

6. Alabama lawmakers are considering a bill that would require teachers to undergo training on not having sex with their students. Said teachers in Alabama, “But what if we’re related?”

7. Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz turned to Twitter to defend their wives’ honor after a Super PAC put out an ad featuring Trump’s wife nude and Trump threatened to “spill the beans” on Cruz’s wife. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the old days when the political discourse was more civil and Trump was just talking about the size of his dick.

8. On Tuesday, U.S. District Judge Fernando Olguin dismissed former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s lawsuit accusing the National Basketball Association of antitrust violations for forcing him to sell the franchise in 2014. Said Sterling, “I knew I was screwed when the bailiff said ‘All rise for Judge Fernando.’”

9. Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he is hoping to play a regular season game in China sometime in the next few years. Thus giving the Browns the chance to get one step closer to their goal of losing a game on every continent.

10. The Rolling Stones have taken to YouTube to welcome Cubans to their free concert on Friday, although few are likely to see the video since most people on the state-controlled island don’t have internet access. Although, to be fair, most Rolling Stone fans don’t know how to access the internet anyway.

April 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, young people are smoking fewer cigarettes, but cigar use is on the rise. “It may not be as bad as you think, did you ask them what they’re using the cigars for?” said Bill Clinton.

2. A New Jersey woman is suing the State’s Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate that read “8THEIST.” When asked why she believed so strongly in the absence of God, the woman replied, “Because I’ve been to the New Jersey DMV.”

3. An Ohio couple who met as teenagers and were married for 70 years died this weekend from natural causes only 15 hours apart. The husband called it “the most peaceful 15 hours” of his life.

4. According to a new study, women enrolled in yoga classes reported a reduction in symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Unless of course there are fat people in your hot yoga class, then you’re right back at square one.

5. Yesterday, Easter fell on the marijuana holiday of 4/20. So finally that stoner you know with the long hair and beard, who is always wearing sandals, was dressed appropriately for the occasion.

6. Yesterday, Easter fell on the marijuana holiday of 4/20. As a result, Jesus kept hitting the snooze button and didn’t rise until 2:15 pm.

7. Miss America has suggested officials at a Pennsylvania high school reconsider their decision to suspend a student for approaching her at a school assembly and asking her to prom. But if you think the suspension was a rash and stupid decision, keep in mind that it was handed down by a school who also thought it would be a good idea to hold a school assembly for Miss America.

8. Miss America has suggested officials at a Pennsylvania high school reconsider their decision to suspend a student for approaching her at a school assembly and asking her to prom. Although I get the sense this suspension won’t have the desired effect on what is apparently the most confident boy in the world.

9. According to a new study, the type of insurance people have is tied to their risk of needing emergency aorta surgery. So I guess the lesson is avoid whatever insurance Chris Christie has.

10. Former talk-show host Rosie O’Donnell has lost fifty pounds. Which isn’t as impressive once you realize that most grizzly bears lose a lot of weight once winter is over and they stop hibernating as well.