April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

September 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A documentary about alleged sexual abuse by Michael Jackson won an Emmy on Saturday. In response, the estate of Michael Jackson said the late singer would be horrified by the award, mainly because it wasn’t a Kid’s Choice Award. 

2. According to a new report, Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test last year and should not have been allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby. As a result, officials have given the rescinded the first place trophy and awarded to the runner-up:

3. A Pennsylvania couple is facing felony theft charges after their bank accidentally put $120,000 in their account, and the couple spent it instead of contacting the bank. Yikes, if spending money you didn’t earn is illegal, the starting lineup for the New York Knicks better lawyer up.

4. According to a recent article, DC comics is planning to introduce a black Batman. And of course his alter ego, Bruce Wayans:

5. When asked why his administration plans to weaken federal rules that force Americans to energy-efficient light bulbs, President Trump said he is not a fan of the bulbs because, “I always look orange.” So fair warning he’s probably coming after you next mirrors.

6. A Six Flags theme park in Maryland has announced a new promotion in which visitors spend 30 hours inside a coffin to win a pair of season passes. “I won what contest now?” said Stephen Miller.

7. Last week, reporters asked President Trump and the First Lady what they told their teenage son Baron about vaping. Melania said it was “dangerous and could lead to death,” while Donald said “I have a teenage son?”

8. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau publicly apologized for wearing blackface on multiple occasions in his past. And to demonstrate that his apology was sincere and heartfelt, he made the announcement in sad blackface.

9. Last week, Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered the blackest black ever. “Get MIT on the phone,” yelled Justin Trudeau to his secretary. 

10. Following her rally in New York Monday night, Senator Elizabeth Warren spent four taking selfies with supporters. So did New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, but only because it took him four hours to find a supporter to take a selfie with. 

11. President Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to record-setting reliever Mariano Rivera on Monday. That story again, a New York institution was awarded a medal by a New Yorker who should be institutionalized.

12. British police on Friday arrested a man suspected of hacking famous music acts to steal unreleased songs and sell them for cryptocurrency. They also arrested the Spice Girls for releasing their own music.

13. The University of Alabama is penalizing students for leaving college football games before the beginning of the fourth quarter. But, in their defense, they’re from Alabama, there’s a good chance they thought there were only three quarters.

14. This week, Hilaria Baldwin announced she is pregnant again, it will be her fifth child with husband Alec Baldwin. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, Alec, leave that poor woman alone.

15. President Donald Trump named Robert O’Brien on Wednesday as his latest White House national security adviser, picking an experienced negotiator who has worked to secure the release of hostages. “He got my letters!” said an enthusiastic Melania.

16. The world’s first vagina museum is set to open in London. The price of admission is two dinners and a weekend upstate at a cozy bed and breakfast.

17. According to reports, a whistleblower complaint has been filed against President Trump alleging he made inappropriate comments while on the phone with the President of Ukraine. No word on whether President Trump will face consequences, but for some reason Billy Bush was fired again.

18. In a recent interview, former Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson said he smoked marijuana after every game of his NFL career. “Oh, after, that’s much smarter,” said the entire roster of the New York Jets.

19. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a male passenger became unruly, punching seats, yelling at other passengers and smoking cigarettes. Or, as Shia Labeouf calls it, a career.

April 15, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The first ever picture of a black hole was taken this week. And, purely out of reflex, Republicans tried to take away its voting rights.

2. According to a new study, 1 in 13 boys in the U.S. have sex before they reach their teenage years. Which is weird, because I thought way more boys were Catholic. 

3. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. “Who are these men that are reluctant to masturbate in certain places?” said everyone who has every ridden the A-train.

4. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. That story again, Lindsay Lohan is finally getting some work.

5. In a recent study, scientists created 3-D scans of dolphins’ vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. The study revealed a lot about the anatomy of dolphins and even more about the anatomy of those scientists’ wives.

6. After facing additional charges stemming from her role in the recent college-admissions cheating scandal, actress Lori Loughlin has reportedly reached out to Lindsay Lohan’s former crisis manager for help. Said the crisis manager, “Hello, cocaine here.” 

7. On Thursday, Michael Avenatti, was indicted and charged with 36 counts of fraud, perjury, failure to pay taxes, embezzlement and other financial crimes. Which all begs the question, how was he not Trump’s lawyer?

8. According to reports, President Trump recently told his aides that White House adviser Stephen Miller is in charge of all immigration and border issues. The way immigration will now work is you’ll be able to come into the country if you can answer all three of Miller’s riddles:

9. This week, Congressman and MIT graduate Thomas Massie attempted to discredit former Secretary of State John Kerry by getting him to admit that his bachelor’s degree in political science from Yale was not really a science degree. Begging the question, can MIT rescind a degree?

10. Xander Schauffele, who was alone atop the leaderboard for a brief moment during the  final round  of the Masters on Sunday, said falling short to Tiger Woods in a major tournament was like a dream. And I don’t know what makes me sadder for Schauffele, his heart-breaking loss or his shitty dreams.

11. Trump advisor Stephen Miller wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in what he referred to as “tent cities.” Not to be confused with fort cities, which is what Eric turned the White House situation room into:

12. According to ‘Politico,’ while on a guided tour of Mount Vernon, President Trump couldn’t understand why George Washington didn’t name the compound after himself, saying, “If he was smart, he would have put his name on it.” Which is crazy, because of all people, you’d think Trump would have learned the downside of naming things after yourself:

 13. On Tuesday, Magic Johnson announced that he is stepping down as president of basketball operations of the Los Angeles Lakers, saying “I want to go back to having fun.” Which is ironic, because having too much fun was what led to his 1991 announcement.

October 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Facebook said on Friday that nearly 50 million user accounts were hacked in its worst security breach ever given the unprecedented level of potential access. “Well I guess that settles the question of who liked your friend Katie’s vacation bikini pictures,” said a very relieved husband to his wife. 

2. Students at a UK university raised money to send the school’s janitor on his first vacation in almost a decade. Not to be outdone, they also had a great ‘welcome home’ present for him:

3. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once got into a bar fight with a guy he thought was the lead singer of UB40. Not to be outdone, one time Ruth Bader Ginsburg dangled Sure Knight over a balcony. 

4. In a recent interview, Donald Trump Jr. said “he fears more for his sons than for his daughters” following the Kavanaugh hearing. That’s absurd, he should fear for them equally because they both have a dipshit for a father.

5. A “Jeopardy” contestant last week made a surprised marriage proposal to his girlfriend who was sitting in the audience. But then he ruined it by going for the Daily Double: 

6. Over the weekend, actress Gwyneth Paltrow married writer Brad Falchuk. I’d wish Brad the best of luck, but I don’t think he’ll need it, as any band who’s played Coachella will tell you, it’s really easy to follow Coldplay.

7. According to reports, Bill Cosby was hit with a hot dog bun and fell down a flight of stairs during his first day in prison. And, if you think that’s bad, on his second day he was anally raped. So, in retrospect, the hot dog thing wasn’t that bad.

8. A flight from Phoenix to Boston this week was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger allegedly refused to stop doing pull-ups using the plane’s overhead bins. That emergency landing seems stupid because if anyone belongs in Boston, it’s that guy. 

9. A group of Southern California high school students face disciplinary action after spelling out the n-word with lettered T-shirts at a senior picnic. “That’s PJ and Tobin for you,” said Brett Kavanaugh.

10. Former FBI Director James Comey expressed his approval of the reopening of the bureau’s background check into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, writing in a New York Times op-ed that the assigned deadline is “idiotic.” Said Comey, “The timing of this is idiotic, everyone knows you only reopen an investigation a week before an election.”

11. A new movie featuring drunk, fornicating and child-abusing priests has outraged some conservative politicians in Poland. Said Catholic priests, “That’s not how that happened, my shoes weren’t brown.”

12. After a prolonged court battle, a 5-year-old girl in California will be allowed to bring her cannabis-based medicine to school. That story again, get ready for a 5-year-old girl to bring in her hand for every show-and-tell:

13. According to reports, streaming giant Netflix will now allow users to choose how a TV episode or movie will end. So get ready to be killed off in a lot more things, Kevin Spacey.

14. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was questioned by police concerning a bar fight that broke out after a UB40 concert. The worst part of that story is that fight broke out afterwards, which means the concert went on as planned first.

15. This week Ben & Jerry’s introduced its newest flavor ‘Marry Me Mint.’ “I do!” said one man:

16. A study of the African bush elephant’s vast network of deep wrinkles his found it is intricately designed to help the animals keep cool. Which explains why Keith Richards is always wearing scarves:

17. A bat was on the loose inside the Tennessee venue where President Trump held a campaign rally this week. That story again, Stephen Miller was at a campaign rally in Tennessee.

18. Thirteen people in New York were stuck in a subway elevator on Monday for one hour before police were able to rescue them. Said one of the thirteen people after being rescued, “It could have been worse,” and, then, to prove her point, she stepped onto the A train.

April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

September 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said, “I might have made a mistake. I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake.” Then he brought Eric on stage.

2. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said that he might have moved to Alabama or Kentucky if he lost the 2016 election because “it’s nice to go to where people love you and you love them.” Also, they tend to look the other way on certain things:

3. Last week, Angela Merkel has won a fourth term as German Chancellor. “Alright, now that bitch is just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.

4. Last Friday, President Trump promised that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un “will be tested like never before.” So, he’s gonna make him do two push-ups?

5. On Saturday, President Trump disinvited the Golden State Warriors from taking the customary championship visit to the White House. “Looks like I gotta start working on another way to get invited to the White House,” said Eric:

6. As a sign of solidarity, Stevie Wonder took a knee while the National Anthem played at a concert on Sunday. Or, more likely, someone moved Stevie’s chair without telling him.

7. This week, Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price told Fox News that he will no longer use private jets for government business. Adding, “Is it possible to rent the Popemobile?”

8. Former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison on Monday for sending sexually explicit messages to a 15-year-old girl. But, on the plus side, his lawyer was able to negotiate his one jailhouse phone call into five jailhouse text messages.

9. On Monday, a man at a Sri Lankan airport was found to be carrying over two pounds of gold hidden in his rectum. So when your boyfriend tells you he “went to Jared” ask him to be more specific.

10. Researchers have discovered that some species of frogs engage in sex orgies. So it may not be easy being green but it sounds like being green makes you easy.

11. New research shows that New York City is the most popular city to have a threesome. This according to a news article that Anthony Weiner keeps sending Huma from jail.

12. After Roy Moore won Alabama’s Republican Senate runoff Tuesday night, President Trump deleted tweets where he supported Moore’s opponent Luther Strange. Wait, Trump’s known how to delete tweets this whole time?!!?!:

13. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. Presumably because there wasn’t a box for ‘douchebag.’

14. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. So I guess Trump’s cabinet was much more diverse than we thought.

15. While appearing on Megyn Kelly’s new daytime show, Lyle Menendez said he regrets what he did every day. Although I have to believe agreeing to appear on the Megyn Kelly show is quickly climbing that list of regrets.

16. On Wednesday, Paul Horner, a leading purveyor of fake news in the 2016 presidential election, died at the age of 38. Horner died doing what he loved, getting gang-raped by a group of Mexican wrestlers while he orally pleasured a donkey or at least that’s what I read in an article online.

17. According to a new study, 215 million Americans watched the solar eclipse. The last time that many people gathered to watch a dark moment, the crowd was much smaller:

18. According to reports, The Trump administration plans to admit up to 45,000 refugees to the United States next year. Whereupon they will be released into the wild and Stephen Miller will be allowed to shoot them for sport:

19. China’s latest online star uses everyday office equipment to cook pancakes, hot pot and even flame-grilled fish at her desk. “Great, maybe she can get a new job now,” said the guy in the cubicle next to her.

20. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. Thus marking the first time Hefner has ever caused men to use tissues for their intended purpose.

21. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. The first person to find the body was the 26-year-old blonder he was lying on top of.

22. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. But, on the plus side, due to rigamortis, it’s the stiffest he’s been in years.

23. An employe of the Buffalo Bills quit after the entire team took a knee during the national anthem last weekend. Which was a nice change of pace for most Buffalo fans who are used to the Bills quitting in the middle of games.

24. Florida corrections officials said on Thursday they had no indication from O.J. Simpson that he would move to the state after his upcoming release from a Nevada prison. Although he does have a history of showing put to places unannounced, allegedly.

August 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The CW’s upcoming superhero TV show “Legends of Tomorrow” will reportedly feature a Muslim superhero. And, just like Superman, she will be able to fly, but only after undergoing extra screening from the TSA.

2. According to a new report, the aviation industry could save $35 billion a year by moving to pilotless planes. Or, more likely, they’ll just start charging you an extra fee for having a pilot.

3. North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on Monday vowed to continue building his country’s nuclear arsenal and threatened to unleash “thousands-fold” revenge against the U.S. Coincidentally, “thousands-fold” is also Jong Un’s body-type:

4. Despite polling to the contrary, Monday morning the president tweeted that “the Trump base is far bigger and stronger than ever before.” And, looking at the evidence, it’s hard to disagree:

5. Actor Robert Pattinson is being praised by PETA for refusing to masturbate a dog for a recent movie role. Which, I guess explains, why Pattinson never got the role of Shaggy:

6. On Monday, a Twitter account that praised the president and was retweeted by Trump himself, was deleted after it was revealed to be a fake person. In response, Trump retweeted Eric hoping to get the same result.

7. According to a new study, women who have bigger butts are less susceptible to heart attacks, strokes and diabetes. So, I guess before he was knighted, he was Dr. Mix-a-Lot.

8. Fired U.S. Attorney for Manhattan, Preet Bharara, announced on Monday that he is starting a podcast. So, it turns out, no matter how powerful you are, everyone handles unemployment the exact same way.

9. A sex toy company has set up a pop-up a location in downtown Manhattan that allows women to try out $150 vibrators. Thus allowing men in the area to set up ‘pop-ups’ of their own.

10. According to a report, the immigrant great-grandmother of White House aide Stephen Miller, who is a vocal proponent instituting a language requirement on all U.S. immigrants, came to this country not speaking English. Although, I’m certain, if she were alive today, she’d definitely know the word ‘douchebag’:

August 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, White House aide Stephen Miller argued that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty does not matter because it was added at a later date. You know, like Tiffany.

2. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbill, President Trump used the phrase “local milk people.” And, I’m not 100% sure Trump wasn’t trying to say “cows.”

3. Yesterday, the Kennedy Center Honors announced their 2017 inductees, which included TV producer Norman Lear. And, as a tribute to Lear’s most iconic character, Archie Bucker, President Trump will appear on stage as himself.

4. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, President Trump referred to himself as, “the world’s greatest person who does not want to let people into the country.” Which isn’t that impressive when you think about his competition for that title:

5. New Jersey police are searching for a man who was allegedly pleasuring himself during a recent screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’ Here is a police sketch of the suspect:

6. A viral video shows employees in China being forced to drink toilet water due to lackluster performances at work. Or maybe they work at the Mountain Dew factory and they’re just trying to come up with new flavors.

7. Today, President Trump will begin an extended 17-day vacation at his golf club in New Jersey. Because nothing makes you want to get back to work more than spending 17 days in New Jersey.

8. A day into her role as New Zealand’s opposition leader, Jacinda Ardern was twice asked about her plans for having babies. But that’s gonna happen when you give your Jewish mother press credentials:

9. Singer Gwen Stefani is reportedly working on a Christmas album with her boyfriend Blake Shelton. Yet another example of someone trying to put the coal industry out of business.

10. The TV show ‘Extra’ is replacing co-host Tracey Edmonds with Renee Bargh. Begging the question, are those real people or did I just make up those names? There’s really no way of knowing.

11. A teen in Louisiana got a hammer stuck in her mouth on a dare. Or, at least, that’s what MC Hammer told his wife when she walked in on them.

12. According to reports, ousted communications director Anthony Scaramucci is listed as dead in the Harvard Law School Alumni Directory. Say what you will about Trump, but when he handles a problem, he handles a problem.

13. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. That might seem like a very early announcement, but, if I know one thing about John Delaney, I would be shocked that I knew one thing about John Delaney.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles turned in one of the worst practices of his career by throwing five interceptions. “I know they were to the opposing team,” said Jets quarterbacks, “but what’s it like to throw a completion?”

15. An image has gone viral showing an employee of Europe’s budget airline EasyJet punching a passenger in the face while he was holding a baby. Said a United employee, “Dude, you completely missed the baby.”

16. A Connecticut man has been sentenced to 120 days in jail after police say he cut his pet fish in half. Also, now I’m suspicious about his claim that he also has siamese cats.

17. Due to an unforeseen increase in demand, the University of California had to rescind acceptance letters for nearly 500 students. “But, you kept their tuition checks, right?” said Trump University.

18. A 59-year old woman from central China transformed her appearance through plastic surgery in order to avoid $3.71 million of personal debts. Begging the question, exactly how much money does Renee Zellwegger owe?:

January 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Brunhilde Pomsel, the private secretary of the Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels during World War II, has died at 106. War veteran John McCain called her “a mouth piece for evil,” while White House press secretary Sean Spicer called her, “an inspiration.”

2. A spokesperson for Angela Merkel said that during their recent telephone call, the German Chancellor had to explain the Geneva Convention to President Trump. A task that proved to be very difficult because over the phone Trump couldn’t see the sock puppets.

3. On Monday, President Trump accused Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of crying “fake tears” when talking about the newly instituted travel ban. And, to his credit, Trump is an expert at spotting real tears since Melania wakes up screaming and crying every morning.

4. Richard Spencer, a leading white nationalist, said he was a “mentor” to Stephen Miller, one of President Trump’s closest advisors, while they were both at Duke University. Which means at least one thing, Miller doesn’t know how to take a punch:
spencer

5. According to reports, Megyn Kelly is being considered for a morning show on NBC, possibly bumping the third hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker. While the fourth hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Hoda and Kathie Lee will be replaced by party blower and a bottle of Vicodin:
today-show

6. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in the Netherlands in October. This year’s keynote speaker, as it has been every year, will be Ann Romney.

7. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in Eindehoven, Netherlands on October 26th. So, needless-to-say, the line at the breakfast buffet at the Eindhoven Holiday Inn to use the toaster is gonna be very long that day.

8. Under a new rule, goaltenders in the National Hockey League will soon have to wear pants with a more contoured fit. Critics blame the new rule on the rise of hipster goaltenders:
hockey-goal

9. A petition to prevent President Donald Trump from making an official visit to the United Kingdom was exceeded a million signatures. Even worse, when Trump counted, it was over 3 million signatures.

10. Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat escaped from the National Zoo in D.C. on Monday. Man, if only there were a professional pussy grabber around Washington to capture him.