February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

January 26, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to his alleged-mistress Stormy Daniels, President Trump is deathly afraid of sharks. Is he afraid of all sharks or, like Charlottesville, does he make an exception for the great white ones?

2. According to reports, Matt Lauer’s wife has kicked him out of the house. Turns out he’s not the only Lauer who knows how to install a lock on a door.

3. On his last day in the Middle East, Vice President Mike Pence visited Israel’s historic Western Wall. “Look at this old, relic from a very long time ago,” said the wall.

4. The Weinstein Company has entered into exclusive negotiations to sell the studio to a group of investors led by former Obama administration official Maria Contreras-Sweet. It will be a nice change of pace for an Obama official to follow a sexual predator this time, instead of the other way around:

5. A car insurance company has admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail email addresses, claiming they are more likely to get into accidents. Said one of those customers, “I’m brining you down, wait til everyone on Friendster hears about this!”

6. Last week, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. After which, I assume, he will go back to his day job as mayor of Munchkinland:

7. The International Olympic Committee announced on Saturday that North Korea will send 22 athletes to the Winter Games in the South Korea next month. The athletes said they look forward to representing North Korea this year and South Korea in 2022.

8. Twelve hours into the federal government shutdown, minority leader Chuck Schumer complained, “Negotiating with President Trump is like negotiating with Jell-O.” Said representatives from Jell-O, “Still not the worst publicity we’ve had”:

9. According to reports, ex-Trump staffer Omarosa Manigault Newman may have secretly recorded all of her conversations while working in the White House. If true, we may finally hear firsthand conversation only Omarosa was privy to, conversations like, “What is Omarosa doing here?” and “What the fuck is her job?”

10. According to a new survey, ten percent of Americans have never heard of Mike Pence. Said Pence, “Please tell me one of those people is Robert Mueller.”

11. During last weekend’s Woman’s March, the president of Planned Parenthood called on white women to do more to “save this country from itself.” In response, Hillary quietly excused herself to her punching wall:

12. On Monday, nominations for the Razzies, the awards for the worst movies of the year, were announced with “Transformers: The Last Knight” leading the way with nine nominations. Which is weird because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

13. Cybercriminals claim to be selling the Social Security numbers of babies on the dark web. “What about phone numbers?” asked Jared Fogel.


14. President Trump said on Monday that he would make a deal on immigration only if he sees it as beneficial for the country. Or if Melania starts to lose her looks.

15. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Of course Trump would have to be under oath because, as Melania will tell you, he’s way too heavy to be on top.

16. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Begging the question, does the oath count if your hand barely covers the Bible?:

17. Monday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 13th wedding anniversary. Which means Donald saved some money by only having to send one bouquet:

18. A U.S. official appointed by President Donald Trump has resigned after CNN posted excerpts of him making racist and Islamophobic comments on a radio show he used to host. Asked whether they knew about the video, the Trump administration replied, “Why do you think we hired him?”

19. President Donald threatened on Thursday to withhold aid to the Palestinians if they did not pursue peace with Israel. But, the president should know that sometimes you have to support things even if you don’t want to:

20. Buyers who sign up early for new Trump-branded apartments in India are being given the chance to meet with Donald Trump Jr. Although, but if don’t have enough money to buy a condo, but still want to meet Don Jr., just tell him you have dirt on Hillary Clinton.

October 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new poll, 40% of Americans don’t know who either vice presidential candidate, Mike Pence or Tim Kaine, are. While the other 60% aren’t as lucky.

2. On Tuesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said his running Mike Pence won the “single most decisive victory” in vice presidential debate history. Which is true, because never before has a vice presidential candidate bettered his opponent and his own running mate in just one debate.

3. A Paris swimming pool on Wednesday inaugurated a new heating system that uses warmth recovered from sewers in a bid to cut costs. And here’s a picture of the pool’s first swimmer, Augustus Gloop:
augustus

4. On Wednesday, former President George W. Bush appeared in a new TV ad urging everyone, regardless of who they support. Adding, “Every vote matters, unless you live in Florida circa 2000.”

5. According to reports, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton knew the questions ahead of time before appearing on Steve Harvey’s TV show earlier this year. As opposed to the normal course of business at ‘The Steve Harvey Show’ where guests don’t know the questions even after Steve has asked them.

6. On Tuesday, actress Sarah Jessica Parker hinted that talks were underway for a third ‘Sex and the City’ movie. To hear more about this, casually bring it up in conversation with your girlfriend.

7. Iraq’s Transportation Minister, Kazem Finjan, claims “ancient aliens” built earth’s first airports 7,000 years ago in the Middle East. And, somehow, those airports are in better condition than LaGuardia.

8. A man in the U.K. has been arrested for renovating his home while naked. But, on the plus side, HGTV has given him his own show entitled “Flip and Flop.”

9. During Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate, Democratic candidate Tim Kaine said Donald Trump has a personal Mount Rushmore that includes Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Muammar Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein. Which is a ridiculous claim, because there’s no way Trump would build a monument like that and not include himself.

10. At the beginning of Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine, moderator Elaine Quijano asked the audience to refrain from cheering or clapping during the proceedings. Which was not a problem, since a majority of the audience was asleep within ten minutes.

December 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump defended his controversial ban on all Muslims from entering the U.S. by saying that “many Muslim friends of mine are in agreement with me.” But, if you were friends with Trump, you’d probably be in favor of a proposal that kept you away from him as well.

2. Yesterday Donald Trump ripped Time magazine’s pick of Angela Merkel as their “Person of the Year,” saying she is “ruining Germany.” Merkel has been added to Trump’s list of people who have ruined Germany, so now the list reads “Angela Merkel” and “the Allies.”

3. In defending his proposed ban on Muslims entering the United States, Republican Donald Trump compared himself to FDR. So, fingers-crossed that this is Trump’s way of telling us that he has polio.

4. U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments cost him business in the Middle East on Wednesday, with a major chain of department stores halting sales of his glitzy “Trump Home” line of lamps, mirrors and jewelry boxes. So now shoppers in the Middle East will just have a find new way to make their homes look like one of Liberace’s wet dreams.

5. A German factory operated largely by robots will make its first 500 pairs of running shoes for Adidas early next year as the sportswear company seeks to cut labor costs. While factories in China won’t replace their workforce until advancements are made in the field of child robots.

6. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio said his favorite show is “The Walking Dead.” Although Rubio thinks “The Walking Dead” is a documentary about Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign.

7. The John Hopkins University medical team that performed arm and hand transplants hopes to perform the first penile transplant in the United States in the coming months. Said the man who will be the recipient, “It could be sooner, we’re just waiting for an NBA player to die.”

8. The Boston Public Health Commission said on Wednesday, at least 80 students who ate at a local Chipotle restaurant have been sickened by norovirus, which is essentially a very severe form of food poisoning. In response, rival Taco Bell issued a statement saying customers cannot get food poisoning at their establishments since nothing they serve can be categorized as food.

9. According to a new study, elderly women who have urinary incontinence are at increased risk of falls. Coincidentally they tend to be in a lot of areas that tend to be pretty slippery.

10. This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will become a part-time vegetarian to cut down on his carbon footprint. Then he drove off in a Hummer inside of a tank.

October 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the World Health Organization said that eating processed meats like sausage or bacon can lead to bowel cancer in humans. The WHO then went on to say that Santa isn’t real, there’s no such thing as love and you were adopted.

2. A judge in Indiana has ruled that it is legal to take selfies while voting. So good luck explaining to people over 60 what selfies are and people under 30 what voting is.

3. Former Heisman Trophy winner Eddie George will star in “Chicago” for seven weeks on Broadway. Although, if you were casting a Heisman-winning running back to star in a play about murdering their significant other after catching them in bed with someone else, George wouldn’t have been my first call.

4. Comedian Jimmy Morales has been elected president of Guatemala. “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance,” said Rick Perry.

5. The San Diego Chargers announced plans to move to Los Angeles. I think we all know how this ends, the Chargers move out there with big plans of becoming famous and within two years they end up waiting tables and doing porn.

6. After seeing his number dip in a recent poll in Iowa, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told CNN that he is going to need “to work a little bit harder in Iowa.” Because, as everyone knows, the only solution to people not liking Donald Trump is more Donald Trump. We’re only a few weeks away from Iowa taking out a restraining order against him.

7. Authorities have discovered a massive underground, drug-smuggling tunnel that stretches the length of eight football fields, from Tijuana to San Diego. No word on who exactly found the tunnel, but you can be sure it wasn’t the San Diego Chargers as they can’t go the length of even one football field.

8. Scientists in Utah have discovered one of the most complete skeletons of a turtle from the age of the dinosaurs that has a nose that resembles the snout of a pig. Turns out Miss Piggy will fuck just about any amphibian.

9. According to experts, if oil stays around $50 a barrel, most countries in the Middle East, like Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Iran, will run out of cash within the next five years. “We’ll save you the trouble and tell you right now there are problems with your loan applications,” said Israel.

10. In a recent interview with CNN, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would ‘absolutely’ be a force for bipartisanship. He knows irrationally attacking both Democrats and Republicans doesn’t make him bipartisan, right?

October 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, President Obama chose not to answer a question about whether Joe Biden would or should run for president, instead saying, “he is doing a great job as vice president and has been really helpful on a whole bunch of issues.” Which is exactly what parents say about their children on bring-your-kid-to-work days.

2. Over the weekend, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared on “Saturday Night Live” in a sketch as a bartender. Hillary was a convincing bartender, at one point she made all the beer mugs frosty by breathing on them.

3. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Sunday the Middle East would be more stable if Muammar Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein were still in power. And I like to think if Gaddafi and Hussein were alive today they were endorse Trump as well.

4. A New Jersey priest, who is a Giants fan, was arrested last week after allegedly pulling out a gun on an 8-year-old boy because he was a Cowboys fan. Which is still an improvement on what priests usually pull out when in the company of 8-year-old boys.

5. On Friday, lawyers for Sepp Blatter said the FIFA president will not resign after two major sponsors called for him to step down due to allegations of bribery and corruption. Adding “Unless,” and then they made that money sign with their fingers.

6. It was announced over the weekend that CBS is rebooting the 90’s television series “MacGyver.” Said CBS, “We are officially out of ideas.”

7. China wants to speed construction of a national network to charge electric cars, to help reach an ambitious goal of 5 million green vehicles on its roads by 2020. Although the really ambitious part of the plan is the notion that 5 million Chinese drivers will be able to keep their cars on the road.

8. Despite Vice President Joe Biden saying he will not participate in the first Democratic presidential debate, CNN said it will still hold an empty podium for him in case he changes his mind. And, it’s gonna be pretty embarrassing when, the day after the debate, the empty podium becomes the new front-runner.

9. Burger King has introduced a new Halloween-themed hamburger with a black bun. You’re working too hard, you had me terrified at ‘Burger King.’

10. The Vatican said Friday that the Pope’s meeting with Kentucky county clerk Kim David was not a private meeting, but part of a greeting with several other people. Although I bet Kim is used to men denying that they were alone in a room with her.

May 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican Jeb Bush reversed course on Thursday and said that based on information now known, had it been up to him, he would not have waged war against Iraq. But be sure to check in tomorrow.

2. Republican Jeb Bush reversed course on Thursday and said that based on information now known, had it been up to him, he would not have waged war against Iraq. But he’s still on the fence about Vietnam.

3. California parents who do not vaccinate their children would have to home-school them under a bill passed Thursday by the state Senate. And I feel pretty safe in assuming that there won’t be a whole lot of science taught in those homes.

4. According to a new study of high school students, pregnancies are more common among lesbian and gay youths than among their heterosexual counterparts. So, I’m pretty sure they’re doing it wrong.

5. Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio gave a speech where he said he refers to the movie ‘Taken’ when thinking about how to deal with terrorists. And, on the sensitive topic of peace in the Middle East, Rubio turns to the wisdom of ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’

6. This week, Dr. Oz helped some people who were in a car crash on a New Jersey highway. He helped by using his phone to call a real doctor.

7. Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Mush has denied claims that he once scolded an employee for choosing to attend his child’s birth over a company event. Said Musk, “That’s just not true, it was the kid’s funeral.”

8. In a recent interview, former Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre said he did not think Tom Brady’s actions in Deflategate constituted cheating. “Yeah, he’s got a really loose definition of that word,” said Favre’s wife.

9. President Pierre Nkurunziza returned to Burundi on Thursday after the army chief declared that an attempted coup staged when the east African leader was abroad had failed. Said the army chief, “So, how was your vacation?”

10. In a recent interview with ‘the Washington Post,’ Bill Clinton said he does not plan on doing any campaigning for Hillary in 2015. So if he says he “did some polling,” you’ll know exactly what he means.

11. Former President Bill Clinton said on Tuesday, he will move back into the White House if his wife Hillary wins the presidency next year. And also if Carly Fiorina wins.

12. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez, who was convicted last month of murdering an acquaintance in 2013, was charged on Monday with the non-fatal shooting of a man believed to be a witness to another murder of which Hernandez is accused. Although, I’m a little skeptical that Hernandez is the culprit in this crime since the victim lived.

13. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate and famed neurosurgeon Ben Carson said the Supreme Court’s role in government is “an open question [that] needs to be discussed.” “Good lord!” said everyone who ever let him operate on their brain.

14. According to a new poll, Americans with health insurance under Obamacare, including Republicans, are generally satisfied with it. While those who unsatisfied are’t really ‘around’ to vote.

15. A Florida couple was arrested last week after bribing their teenage daughters to do their chores and homework with cocaine. But, in their defense, they were all out of meth.

November 17, 2014 – Monologue Joke

1. Tennessee Titans tight-end Chase Coffman has been fined $30,000 by the NFL for hitting a Baltimore Ravens assistant coach on the sidelines during a game last week. But, on the plus-side, at least the abuse is getting closer to taking place on the field.

2. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. It marked the first and only time anyone ever mistook Poland for heaven.

3. In a recording released by TMZ, actress Amanda Bynes is heard saying that she wants to murder her father. No word on whether Drake will somehow be involved in this murder as well.

4. In recent interviews with multiple prominent evangelical leaders, no one listed opposition to gay marriage as their top priority. This softening in stance has been attributed to the new, young evangelical minister, Tad Handsome.

5. One Republican leader on Sunday held open the possibility that his party could move to shut down the government in an attempt to stop President Obama from taking executive action on immigration policy. Said immigrants, “We’ll do those jobs.”

6. President Obama on Sunday defended his signature healthcare law after one of the White House’s advisers said the law passed because of the “stupidity” of the American voters. “My ears are burning,” said Joe Biden.

7. A two-cornered hat that belonged to French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte was sold to an anonymous South Korean bidder for $2.4 million at auction on Sunday. Are you sure the bidder who won the hat of the tiny leader who was hell bent on world domination wasn’t from North Korea?

8. Exotic dancers at a midtown Manhattan strip club were awarded early $10.9 million by a judge who found they were employees unfairly classified by the club as independent contractors. Although, I think it was a little uncouth for the judge to award that money by making it rain.

9. R.A. Montgomery, author of the long-running “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, died last week. His last words were reportedly, “Quick, go back to page 42.”

10. Hipsters in the Middle East are being confused with Jihadists because of their long beards. “Two birds, one stone,” said the guy who operates the drones.

May 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The hotel where Jay-Z had an alleged altercation with Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles says it has fired the person who leaked the tape to the media. Whereupon he was immediately hired as Solange’s PR guy.

2. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. Proving what I’ve said all along, kids are morons.

3. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. It’s good to see Limbaugh finally getting the recognition he deserves from his intellectual peers.

4. On Thursday, Kentucky Derby winner California Chrome was treated for a cough and a blister. Which means a horse has better health insurance than I do.

5. According to a new study, U.S. children are consuming more than 10 pounds of sugar annually if they eat a typical morning bowl of cereal each day. As a result, Life cereal has been forced to change its name to “Life?”

6. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. The woman was able to pull of the con for so long because being a chain-smoking sophomore with two children is commonplace in Texas.

7. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. School officials became suspicious when they looked at her.

8. The Vatican said on Thursday that Pope Francis is shunning bulletproof vehicles during his trip to the Middle East this month, insisting he use a normal car and be allowed to be as close to people as possible. Said the Pope, “It’s not like I’m going to Detroit.”

9. Experts in London are now claiming that peeing on a jellyfish sting does nothing to alleviate the pain. But it is still a pretty effective way to take your mind of getting stung by a jellyfish.

10. A new app called “What’s Applebee’s” lets users connect to fellow Applebee’s fans. It’s a great service that allows users to skip the hassle of driving all the way down to the unemployment office and striking up conversations.

11. A new study that looked at brain scans suggests smoking while pregnant may be linked to less control over inhibitions when the child is an adult. “I’ll have a carton of Marlboro Reds,” said 23-year-old Dina Lohan.

12. Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley on Thursday signed into law a bill banning discrimination against transgender people. As a result, the Washington Redskins have finally agreed to change their name to the Washington Bruce Jenners.

13. On Wednesday, TBS announced that Conan O’Brien will continue to host his late-night talk show through 2018. “So, come 2019, you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said Jay Leno.

14. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s spokesman testified on Tuesday that he was misled by fellow officials about the purpose of a major traffic disruption apparently used to retaliate against a political foe. And, it should be noted that Christie is forced to use a spokesman quite often as his own mouth is usually full.

15. According to a new study, college freshmen were more likely to get behind the wheel after smoking marijuana than drinking alcohol. So if you thought it was hard to remember where you parked before.

16. Target and Doritos have teamed up to market the walking taco, which is the result of pouring ground beef and cheese into a bag of crushed Doritos before eating it directly out of the bag. They thought about naming it the running taco, but, let’s be honest, the type of person who would be interested in eating this type of thing isn’t running anywhere anytime soon.

17. According to reports, Apple will unveil the next incarnation of its iPhone in August, on month earlier than industry watchers were expecting. “Ah, fuck,” said the entire workforce of China.

18. Three University of Oregon players who were accused of rape have been dropped from the team despite a decision by prosecutors not to charge them criminally. But, on the plus side, they’re now the front-runners for the 2014 Heisman Trophy.

April 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to “Entertainment Weekly,” a follow-up to the 1993 smash-hit “Mrs. Doubtfire” is in the works. The sequel will tell the tale of a once-great comedic actor who is forced to dress in drag to revive his movie career.

2. Vice President Joe Biden has joined the popular photo-sharing website Instagram. While Toronto Mayor Rob Ford joined something called Insta-gram.

3. Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden Instagrammed a selfie he took of himself and President Obama. Or, as FoxNews reported it, “Obama and Biden want to put photographers out of business.”

4. A missing Nebraska toddler was found trapped inside a toy-vending claw machine earlier this week. So, for once, that might actually be a roll of quarters in Jerry Sandusky’s pocket.

5. Chelsea Clinton announced Thursday that she’s pregnant and expecting her first child. Said Bill Clinton, “I know I’m supposed to be excited, but instinctively I’m always very tense when I hear a news story that contains the words ‘Clinton’ and ‘pregnant.’”

6. On Tuesday the NCAA proposed that scholarship college athletes be allowed to receive unlimited meals. So finally the NCAA is on par with the Olive Garden.

7. On Wednesday, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he plans to spend $50 million this year to counter the influence of the National Rifle Association. Although it may not be a great idea to tell a bunch of gun nuts that you have $50 million of disposable income just lying around.

8. In a recent interview, model Kate Upton said she wishes she had smaller breasts. That story again, Kate Upton wishes she wasn’t famous.

9. According to a new report, posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes you more desirable. Unless, of course, you live in West Virginia, where having a dog means you have no use for an online dating profile.

10. Iran’s parliament is seeking a ban on vasectomies as the country moves away from its strict family planning laws in an attempt to increase the birthrate. So expect a new fashion trend in the Middle East, sexy, knee-length burkas.

11. A lawsuit filed Wednesday accuses “X-Men” director Bryan Singer of sexually abusing a teenage boy 15 years ago. Which means, in just 20 short years, Singer will be accepting an honorary Oscar, right Roman?

12. After receiving an invitation, singer Taylor Swift surprised one of her fans by showing up at her bridal shower in Ohio. Said Swift, “Oh my God y’all, thanks so much for throwing this party for me.”