October 7, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 10/07/2019 by prejectedjokes

1. Authorities say that temporary water filters installed in homes in Newark are at least 97 percent effective in reducing lead in drinking water. “Newark? You know what, I think we’re good right here,” said residents of Flint.

2. Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday joined a groundswell of support for permanently banning serial transit pervs from riding the city’s subways. “TAXI!!!!” yelled Anthony Weiner.

3. Last week, Mattel, the 75-year-old toymaker behind Barbie, launched it’s first ever gender-fluid doll. “First ever?” said Ken, looking down.

4. The Kremlin said on Monday that Washington would need Russian consent to publish transcripts of phone calls between President Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. And if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s getting consent:

5. After being cut by the New England Patriots, receiver Antonio Brown enrolled at Central Michigan University to finish his college degree. Which is weird, if he wanted to play amateur football, he could have just stayed on the Raiders.

6. According to a new study, living near a coastline improves mental health.“Told ya so Wilson” said one such beachside resident:

7. President Trump called for an end to religious persecution on Monday at the United Nations. Adding, “Mexican isn’t a religion, right?”

8. French researchers are developing what they say is the most powerful MRI scanner in the world which will use a supermagnet the weight of a blue whale. It’s the first machine that will diagnosis and give you cancer at the exact same time.

9. During his Congressional testimony last Thursday, the Acting Director of National Intelligence said he did not know the identity of the anonymous White House whistleblower who filed a complaint against President Trump. Although, he has a guess:

10. According to “The New York Post,” Casey Anthony is considering having another child. Sounds like someone’s got a new car with extra trunk space.

11. Jerry Seinfeld has defeated a lawsuit claiming he stole the idea for the Netflix hit “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” from a former colleague. And, in related news, still no one wants to take credit for “The Marriage Ref”:

12. According to “The New York Times,” President Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs in order to slow them down after crossing the southern border. Or they could do what Melania does when she wants to slow Donald down:

13. According to reports, when President Trump was denied his request for a Southern border moat and told he can’t shot migrants in the legs, he allegedly yelled, “I ran on this issue. You’re making me look like an idiot.” To which his advisors replied, “I think you’re giving us way too much credit for that, Sir.”

14. Last week, teenager in New Mexico was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Officials became suspicious that he wasn’t a real cop when he pulled over an African American and did not shoot him.

15. This week, President Trump incorrectly attacked “The Washington Post” for an article that ran in “The New York Times.” Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, I’m great with names, just ask Not Ivanka #1 an Not Ivanka #2.”:

16. This week, Disney revealed its first openly gay couple, Orka and Flix from the tv series “Star Wars Resistence.” That story again, Chip continues to deny his feelings for Dale:

17. The University of Kansas has apologized for a performance by rapper Snoop Dogg that featured drug references and dancers on stripper poles. Said the school, “We apologize, how could we have known that Snoop Dogg would behave exactly the same as he has for the past thirty years.”

18. Ahead of this year’s holiday season, a California company is selling kale-flavored candy canes. “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said lumps of coal.

February 19, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 02/19/2019 by prejectedjokes

1. A new app has launched in the UK that allows farmers to swipe through profiles of cows to find good breeding partners for their cattle. “Yeah … my cattle,” said one very lonely farmer.

2. The French Fencing Federation has officially recognized lightsaber dueling as a competitive sport. Now comes the hard part for those athletes, having their fathers officially recognize them as their sons.

3. According to the results of his annual physical examination, President Trump has gained weight over the past year and is now in the obese range. Which is ironic, because ‘obese range’ is the Secret Service code name for whichever SUV Trump is riding in:

4. Indonesian police have apologized after officers draped a live snake around the neck of a suspect during an interrogation session. In related news, Louis CK has sued those police officers for stealing his act.

5. This week it was announced that “Last Call with Carson Daly” will be ending this year. For the past seventeen years Carson Daly hosted a pop-culture talk show at one-thirty in the morning and, not, as I assumed when I watched, it an hour-long infomercial for boredom.

6. According to a new study, eating “ultraprocessed” foods increases one’s risk of an early death. “Look, I’m trying,” said Melania:

7. Paramount Studios confirmed Monday that a sequel to “Coming to America” will hit theaters in 2020. According to reports, the plot of the movie consists of Eddie Murphy’s character leaving his home country of Zamunda for America, being stopped at the border by Customs and Border agents, and then the credits roll.

8. Last week, a Houston man told police that he discovered a tiger in a cage after he entered an abandoned house to smoke weed. Said police, “Why didn’t you say found a tiger and then just stop talking?”

9. Last week, a Houston man told police that he discovered a tiger in a cage after he entered an abandoned house to smoke weed. So either someone’s been living with a tiger in that building or that’s some really good weed.

10. A man in Virginia was arrested for projecting porn onto his garage door. But that was only after his wife once again said no to the backdoor.

11. President Trump on Friday declared a national emergency in a bid to fund his promised border wall without congressional approval. But, as Trump himself will tell you, he does his best work without approval:

12. According to a British newspaper, President Trump may have allegedly paid for as many as eight abortions. That definitely doesn’t sound like the pro-life President Trump we all know, he rarely pays for services rendered.

13. According to a British newspaper, President Trump may have allegedly paid for as many as eight abortions. Or, as President Trump undoubtedly thinks of it, one too few:

14. On Saturday, President Trump’s choice for ambassador to the United Nations, Heather Nauert, withdrew herself from consideration for the job citing ‘family reasons.’ “I wish I would have thought of that excuse,” said Melania.

15. The scientist who popularized the term “global warming” died this week at the age of 87. But it felt like 96.

July 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 07/24/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. The U.S. will reportedly ban Americans from traveling to North Korea. That story again, Dennis Rodman will have to find a new way to desperately seek attention.

2. Over the weekend, actor Ben Affleck confirmed that he will continue to portray Batman in upcoming films. Which explains this recent photo:

3. The legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has offered O.J. Simpson a job as a greeter. Of course, if he accepts, it won’t be the first time he’s in a room covered in other people’s DNA, allegedly.

4. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned. Spicer said he is hoping that his previous, more dignified job is still available:

5. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

6. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

7. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

8. Police in San Francisco said a man was mugged and the two assailants made off with his ventriloquist dummy. Police are hoping to track down the muggers to thank them.

9. A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding and felony possession of a stolen car. And don’t even ask what his brother Sodomy Hudson is being charged with.

10. Kellyanne Conway said Sunday that CNN made a “business decision” to be “unfair” to President Trump. Just like Conway made a business decision to give that apple to Snow White.

May 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 05/19/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. On Thursday, King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands revealed that he has been living a secret double life as an airline co-pilot for the past 21 years. Not to be outdone, for the past 37 years, Queen Elizabeth has had a side job working the Burger King drive-thru:

2. Early Thursday morning, President Trump took to Twitter to weigh in on the latest developments in the Russia investigation saying, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” And no one is more of a scholar of American history than Trump, just ask his friend Frederick Douglass.

3. This week, right-wing conspiracy theorist and all-around nut job, Alex Jones apologized to Chobani for unfounded claims he made about the yogurt company. That story again, a combination of bacteria and fermented milk apologized to yogurt.

4. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. That story again, someone finally found the last horcrux.

5. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. Ailes left his fingerprints all over cable news and most of the female newscasters as well.

6. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. He died doing what he loved, getting rid of people who got too old.

7. Pepsi announced a new cinnamon-flavored soda called Pepsi Fire that will be in stores nationwide next week. Begging the question, is Dr. Pepper gonna have to cut a bitch?

8. A study has proved almost 50 percent of people keep their snacking habits in the workplace a secret. So I guess my officemate who eats with his mouth open is part of the other 50 percent.

9. Country singer Toby Keith will put on a ‘men-only’ performance in Saudi Arabia to celebrate President Trump’s visit next week. Which goes against everything I’ve ever learned about Arab countries, I thought they were into punishing women.

10. Former president George W. Bush attended a Texas Rangers baseball game Wednesday evening and photobombed a reporter while she was live on TV. Then he just stood behind her for the rest of the report after the photobomb because he didn’t have a good exit strategy.

11. Wednesday, President Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy where he said, “You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve.” Adding, “But if the person doing those things to you is a star, you just have to let them.”

12. Professional football player Antonio Cromartie is set to have his third child since his vasectomy and his thirteenth overall. “Dude, relax,” said Octomom.

13. According to a new study, women want a partner that looks like their brother. “Yeah, looks like,” said a very nervous Princess Leia.

14. In response to whether the Senate could pass the new healthcare bill and swear-in a new head of the FBI, Senator Marco Rubio said, “We should be able to walk, chew gum and confirm an FBI director at the same time.” Says the guy who literally could not stand and drink water at the same time:

15. A New York man set a new world record by extinguishing more than 30 matches with his tongue in a minute. He wasn’t trying to set a record, it was actually doctor prescribed, he used to date Paris Hilton.

16. According to reports, President Trump is expected to have an entourage of over 1,000 people when he makes his first international trip next week. That story again, President Trump personally invited everyone who attended his inauguration to go to Israel with him.

17. President Trump threatened Friday morning to end White House press briefings, arguing that “it is not possible” for his staff to speak with “perfect accuracy” to the American people. Even worse, Sean Spicer can’t get his old job back because the position has already been filled:

18. FBI agents are updating their Facebook profiles to pictures of ousted FBI Director James Comey as a sign of solidarity. While Comey himself is updating his LinkedIn profile.

March 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 03/10/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. A group of engineers have determined that it would cost $852,000,000,000,000,000 to build the Death Star from ‘Star Wars’ in the real world. Although, Trump is pretty sure he can negotiate it down allowing his administration to build it for much less.

2. To fund his promised border wall, President Trump is considering budget cuts to the TSA and Coast Guard. And, in order to keep another of his campaign promises, he is officially changing the name of the TSA and the Coast Guard to Mexico.

3. A book entitled “Reasons to Vote for Democrats” which consists of just 266 blank pages is a number one bestseller on Amazon. Not surprising, since it combines two things that Trump supporters love, trolling liberals and not reading.

4. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking’s newest prediction is that aggression will cause the end of the human race. That or stairs.

5. This week, an anonymous NFL executive said free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick is “an embarrassment to football.” So I guess the Cleveland Browns will just have to come up with a new slogan.

6. On Wednesday, China gave the Trump organization trademark approval to open Trump branded massage parlors and escort services. Well, at least one Trump branded product will result in a happy ending:

7. According to a new study, 1 in 4 high schoolers model their future career off of something they saw on TV or in the movies. Which explains why, in the 90s, there was a dramatic increase in pet detectives.

8. A California high school, that was an early investor in Snapchat, has turned a $15,000 investment into a $24 million payout. When asked to figure out how much the school made on its investment, students said, “Fuck math, we’re rich!”

9. The performer contract for the upcoming SXSW music festival in Austin, Texas appears to contain a clause allowing the festival to deport unruly international artists. Begging the question, how can we convince Canadian-born Justin Bieber to perform at SXSW?

10. According to reports, the Trump administration is considering a new proposal that would separate women and children who illegally cross the U.S. border together. It’s like Trump stopped watching every Superman movie halfway through and said, “You know, that Lex Luther has some good ideas.”

11. According to reports, the Trump administration is considering a new proposal that would separate parents and children who illegally cross the U.S. border together. And, in unrelated news, Trump has invited Tiffany on a daddy-daughter trip to Mexico.

12. A company is selling a ‘smart condom,’ which is being advertised as a FitBit for you penis that measures performance during sex. So now your wife and you smartphone can be disappointed in you.

13. Last week, the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists advised doctors to wait at least 30 to 60 seconds after birth before clamping and cutting the umbilical cord. Because the hospital does have a strict “You break it, you buy it” policy.

14. Tesla CEO Elon Musk is holding an open competition for fans to come up with a car commercial for the company after fifth-grader Bria Loveday told him to do so in a letter. Said little Bria, “Damn, if I knew he would listen to me I would have asked for a car.”

15. In a new interview, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow said he wants to adopt a kid from every continent. “Wow, nine kids is a lot,” said Gronk.

16. A California man, angry about his divorce, set his house on fire. Said his ex-wife, “Half of those ashes are mine!”

17. According to new research, oral sex is good for women’s health, finding that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and contain at least three anti-depressants. “Still no,” said the researchers’ wives.

18. An man in Austin, Texas was arrested over the weekend for indecent exposure after having sex with a fence. Said the man, “I miss understood when you told me to paint that fence white.”

January 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 01/13/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. Peter R. Rose, a Brooklyn police captain, apologized for remarks he made contrasting date rape with “true stranger rapes,” which he called “the troubling ones.” Staking a strong claim for worst guy named Pete Rose.

2. It is being reported that the folders displayed at Donald Trump’s press conference on Tuesday that supposedly were full of signed contracts turning his business over to his sons were actually blank sheets of paper. But, in Trump’s defense, maybe he just got the folders containing the contracts and the folders containing his plan to replace Obamacare mixed up.

3. Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted out praise for clothing company L.L. Bean. And, I think I figured why Trump is such a big fan of L.L. Bean:

4. Filmmaker George Lucas plans to open the Museum of Narrative Art in Los Angeles to showcase his collection of fine and popular art. No word on what he plans to do with his not so popular art:

5. Yesterday, President Obama surprised Vice President Joe Biden by holding a press conference in the West Wing to award him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, even doing the honor of placing the award around Biden’s neck. The last time a president gave a co-worker a necklace in the White House, Bill gave it to Monica and the necklace was ‘pearl.’

6. French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen was seen at Trump Tower on Thursday, but a spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump said she did not meet with him. Which can only mean one thing, there’s no tape of Trump peeing on French prostitutes.

7. Nancy Holten, a 42-year-old vegan woman who has lived in Switzerland for 30 years, has twice had her application for Swiss citizenship rejected because annoyed locals object to her “loud” opinions about animal rights. And you know she’s really bad when a country famous for staying neutral and avoiding conflict speaks up to say “I can’t stand this bitch.”

8. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. Other things she also done doing include sitting, walking and riding a bike.

9. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. But, on the plus side, her gynecologist has taken up spelunking.

10. The online classified advertising site Backpage.com abruptly shut its “adult” section on Monday, yielding to a campaign by state and federal government officials to close a service they contend promotes prostitution. So now, your mom will have to look for a new job.

11. A new study suggests that men who eat lots of red meat are much more likely to have bowel problems, pain and nausea than their peers who stick mainly with fish. But that’s just because Chipotle doesn’t sell fish.

12. A high-ranking Cardinal has complained after a McDonalds restaurant opened on Vatican owned property earlier this month, saying, “It would be better to use those spaces to help the needy of the area, spaces for hospitality, shelter and help for those who suffer.” Thus proving the Cardinal has never been to a McDonalds after 10PM.

13. According to a new study, kids born to obese parents may be more likely to experience certain developmental delays early in childhood. The study was conducted by watching one episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

14. Scientists have observed Darwin bark spiders giving each other oral sex. Which can mean only one thing, Darwin bark spiders don’t get married.

15. Every Sunday night in Washington D.C. 84-year-old Alice Donahue fronts a rock band called “Granny and the Boys.” Which is a great back up plan if you can’t get tickets to the Rolling Stones.

16. Rappers Chris Brown and Soulja Boy have decided to settle their latest ‘beef’ with a pay-per-view boxing match. I just hope, not matter who wins, they both get brain damage.

17. A new study has determined that a regular afternoon nap can help preserve and improve one’s memory. “If that’s true, I’m screwed,” said Bill Cosby.

18. On Sunday, Pope Francis encouraged women attending a baptism ceremony in the Sistine Chapel to feel free to breastfeed their children in the church. Said one man in attendance, “See, sometimes prayer does work.”

19. Over the weekend, Google unveiled it’s newest breakthrough, a self-driving minivan. Which is brilliant because no one wants to be seen driving a minivan.

20. The bathrooms at Toyko’s Nartia International Airport now offers toilet paper specifically designed to clean travelers’ smartphones. “Yeah, I’m gonna need something stronger than that,” said Anthony Weiner.

January 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 01/11/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. Leading women from politics, the arts and other fields urged President-elect Donald Trump on Monday to support a new national women’s museum in Washington. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, D.C. already has a Hooters.”

2. DNA traces found on plastic bands used to tie the wrists of Kim Kardashian helped French police arrest 17 suspects in connection with the October gunpoint robbery of the reality tv star in Paris. It’s not the first, nor will it be the last, time that Kim was wiped down for someone else’s DNA.

3. A man is claiming that his struggle with sleep apnea caused him to grope a woman’s breasts on a flight. “You got it all wrong, they’re the ones supposed to be asleep,” said Cosby.

4. A librarian in Orlando is in trouble after he created a library card for a fake person named ‘Chuck Finley’ who checked out 2,361 books over the span of nine months to keep those titles in circulation and on the shelves. Authorities became suspicious when some in Florida checked out a book.

5. A woman at a hospital in Detroit last week wore an electronic Chewbacca mask while giving birth. Said the gynecologist, “Even worse, the carpet matched the curtains.”

6. During his farewell speech last night, President Obama said, “the Constitution is just a piece of parchment, it has no power on its own.” “Good to know,” said Donald Trump while looking for a pair of scissors.

7. According to a new, unverified report, Russia has been blackmailing Donald Trump with embarrassing personal information for years, including a claim that during a trip to Russia, Trump hired prostitutes to urinate on him. But at least conservatives now know that he is a fan of ‘trickle-down economics.’

8. Federal wildlife officials called climate change the biggest threat to polar bears, warning that without decisive action, they will almost certainly disappear. And, if not that, they will succumb to their second biggest threat, diabetes:

9. During his confirmation hearing on Tuesday, Donald Trump’s nominee for Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, condemned the Ku Klux Klan. Although it was unnerving that he referred to them as “the fellas.”

10. An L.A.-based artist has spent the last nine years using Fedex to ship glass boxes so that they break and he can display them as shattered sculpture art. As a result, Delta has renamed all its baggage handler, baggage artists.

December 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 12/05/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. Merriam-Webster dictionary said, as of right now, the word of the year for 2016, which is based on number of lookups, is ‘fascism.’ Presumably because ‘WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON!?!’ isn’t a real word.

2. Over the weekend, Walt Disney World announced that it’s Spaceship Earth ride will be converted into a model of the Death Star from ‘Star Wars.’ But that’s still not the scariest update to a Disney attraction:

3. The oldest-known survivor of the attack on Pearl Harbor returned to Hawaii over the weekend to commemorate the event’s 75th anniversary. Although, in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to make the anniversary party a surprise party.

4. A Muslim-American comedian who encountered Eric Trump on a plane, said Trump’s son assured him that his father, the President-elect, would not push for a Muslim registry. Eric said he would be happy to provide his assurance in writing, like in a letter, if the comedian would just give him his name, address, date of birth, and social security number.

5. An energy company in England determined that the Death Star in ‘Star Wars’ would cost $7.7 octillion per day to operate. Which explains the original line: “Luke, I am your father, can I borrow a couple of bucks?”

6. According to reports, comedian Amy Schumer is in talks to star in a live-action Barbie movie. As a result, Mattel has released a new Dreamhouse that is just an exact replica of the University of Wisconsin Sigma Chi fraternity house.

7. The New England Patriots placed tight end Rob Gronkowski on injured reserve on Saturday, ending his season one day after he underwent surgery to repair a herniated disk. But, on the plus side, at least the reasons that Patriot tight ends are missing the rest of the season are getting better:

8. The price of the Make America Great Again Christmas tree ornament being sold on Donald Trump’s website has been lowered from $149 to $99. Because if Trump is good at anything, it’s lowering things like standards and expectations.

9. A coffee shop that uses sex robots to give customers oral sex is set to open in London this week. Wait, it hasn’t opened yet? Looks like I have some apologies to make to some employees at a British Starbucks.

10. A new app has launched that helps people identify which businesses are owned by Donald Trump so they can boycott them. Although, not knowing which businesses are owned by Trump never seemed like a huge problem:

August 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 08/19/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump tweeted “They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT!” Proving that things have gotten so bad that even Donald Trump is distancing himself from the Trump name.

2. Thursday morning, a naked statue of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump appeared in the middle of New York City’s Union Square. The anonymous artist named the piece, “Poor Melania.”

3. Thursday morning, a naked statue of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump appeared in the middle of New York City’s Union Square. Thus proving his pole numbers are indeed quite small.

4. A zebra born this week in a zoo in Toronto has been named ‘Rey’ after the ‘Star Wars’ character. “Just be happy you weren’t born sixteen years ago,” said zoo’s giraffe named ‘Jar-Jar Binks.’

5. A 120-year-old Hindu monk named Swami Sivananda says the key to his long life has been daily yoga and a vow of celibacy. Luckily, when you’re celibate, being very flexible comes in handy.

6. Researchers at Stanford have developed a satellite map that can predict poverty around the world. So now, the two things you can see from space are the Great Wall of China and Detroit.

7. A postal worker in Florida was caught on camera dumping mail into a dumpster. But, to be fair, that’s where most things you have to read end up in Florida anyway.

8. This week it was reported that former head of Fox News Roger Ailes is helping Republican nominee Donald Trump prepare for the upcoming presidential debates. Which I assume means helping Trump come up with playful negs just in case Megyn Kelly is the moderator.

9. A Texas man was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and unlawful restraint for allegedly holding his girlfriend hostage with a spatula. So, I’m guessing she’s not much of a cook?

10. A man in Raleigh is fed up after a car crashed into his house for the sixth time. In an effort to sell it, the man has put up a sign reading “Hey Billy Joel, if you lived here, you’d be home by now.”

11. After finishing fourth in the women’s 4×100 meter relay on Sunday, Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui said she didn’t swim well because she was on her period. “You take enough testosterone and you’ll never have to worry about your period ever again,” said the Russian swimmers.

12. A 23-year-old North Dakota man faces felony charges after he allegedly struggled with police while naked and grabbed the officer below the belt. Afterwhich, the officer read the man his Miranda rights in a much higher voice than normal.

13. While talking about Donald Trump, Vice President Joe Biden said the Republican president nominee “would have loved Stalin.” Said Trump, “Why, did he say something nice about me?”

14. An Israeli man claims that a Chilean border official drew a penis on his passport. But the official drew a picture of a really small penis, so now it just looks like the man went to China.

15. KFC is now licensed to sell marijuana in its Canadian stores. Not to be outdone, this guy will sell you an eight-ball:

16. A Cuban cigar maker broke his own record on Friday by rolling the world’s longest cigar at 295 feet or the length of a regulation soccer field. A story that Bill undoubtedly forwarded to Monica.

17. Police are on the lookout for a man who allegedly stole a $60 penis pump from a sex shop in Australia. Because the only thing more shameful than stealing a penis pump is buying one.

18. A man in Australia is set to testify in court against his wife and her teenage daughter, who are accused of attempting to murder him with poisoned meatballs. “I think I may have a lawsuit on my hands,” said everyone who has ever eaten at Guy Fieri’s restaurant.

19. The creator of the hit TV series “Homeland” said the president in the show’s next season is part Donald Trump and part Hillary Clinton. So it’s a pumpkin dressed in a pantsuit?

20. Olympic medics accidentally dropped French gymnast Samir Ait Said while trying to carry him off the floor after he broke his leg vaulting. It was the second landing Ait Said failed to stick that day.

July 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 07/19/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. Germany is planning new legislation to require manufacturers of cars equipped with autopilot to install a black box to help determine responsibility in the event of an accident. As opposed to every car crash Billy Joel has ever been in which are always caused by a black box:

2. According to a new study, radiologists don’t agree on what qualifies as “dense breasts.” But they do agree that they need to keep studying the issue, and then they high-fived each other.

3. Last night presidential candidate Donald Trump made a surprise appearance at the Republican National Convention to introduce his wife Melanie. Although, it may have been a misstep to introduce her as “the next First Lady of the United States and my wife, for now, Melanie Trump.”

4. According to new pictures, former President George W. Bush has dyed his hair brown. The last time Bush had that much brown die on his hands, Katrina was hitting Louisiana.

5. House of Representatives Speaker Paul Ryan welcomed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s choice of Mike Pence as a running mate on Friday, saying the Indiana governor comes from “the heart of the conservative movement.” While also noting that Trump himself comes from a different part of the body.

6. A former US intelligence director has revealed that laptops seized from ISIS fighters are filled up to 80% with pornography. Even more proof that we’re not so different, most of the pornographic material was contained in files named “death to the infidels stuff.”

7. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. Said the grandparents, “Now I kinda wish he didn’t call so often.”

8. Over the weekend, it was announced that actor Alden Ehrenreich will play young Han Solo in the next ‘Star Wars’ film. In addition, Seth Rogen will play a young Chewbacca.

9. An image of a mug for the University of North Texas, for sale in the school store, has gone viral because it appears to spell out the c-word. Even worse, the store was sued for copyright infringement by the gift shop for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

10. A nursing home has created a dating app called G-Date, short for grandparent date, to help its residents develop relationships. And, much like Tinder, people put out on the first date because, at their age, they’re not assured of a second one.

prejectedjokes

Monologue jokes, delightful pictures, and funny musings, but more likely just crap

Tag Archives: Star Wars