May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

July 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. will reportedly ban Americans from traveling to North Korea. That story again, Dennis Rodman will have to find a new way to desperately seek attention.

2. Over the weekend, actor Ben Affleck confirmed that he will continue to portray Batman in upcoming films. Which explains this recent photo:

3. The legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has offered O.J. Simpson a job as a greeter. Of course, if he accepts, it won’t be the first time he’s in a room covered in other people’s DNA, allegedly.

4. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned. Spicer said he is hoping that his previous, more dignified job is still available:

5. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

6. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

7. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

8. Police in San Francisco said a man was mugged and the two assailants made off with his ventriloquist dummy. Police are hoping to track down the muggers to thank them.

9. A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding and felony possession of a stolen car. And don’t even ask what his brother Sodomy Hudson is being charged with.

10. Kellyanne Conway said Sunday that CNN made a “business decision” to be “unfair” to President Trump. Just like Conway made a business decision to give that apple to Snow White.

June 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, CNN hired recently-fired Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. And, to really fuck with Trump, CNN also hired Marla and Ivana.

2. Music stars Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Paul McCartney, Sting, Barbra Streisand, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga and Yoko Ono are teaming up to pressure Congress to pass stricter gun laws. Or, in Yoko Ono’s case, at least a gun with a wider shooting radius.

3. McDonald’s is set to take over Oprah’s old production studio in Chicago. Apparently there were so many old McDonald’s wrappers lying around that it was cheaper to make it into a restaurant than clean it up.

4. A DVD that was supposed to be a graduation video given to all 6th graders at an Israeli elementary school turned out to be a porno instead. So, no need for a bar-mitzah, you’re a man today.

5. Police in Utah have a new K-9 officer trained to sniff out devices that could contain child pornography. Here’s a look at how the dog was trained:
dog attack

6. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. While DJ Jazzy Jeff regrets paying extra for guac at Chipotle.

7. A new study finds that married couples who divide up the housework evenly have better sex lives. “Does it make a difference if I call them chores and give her an allowance?” said Woody Allen.

8. A man in Australia man has promised to eat the worst Subway sandwich that commentators on the internet can think up. Which, I’m pretty sure, is Quizno’s business model.

9. A magician in the U.K. was taken to the hospital after losing a massive amount of blood during an onstage performance in which he tried to pull a playing card out of his nose. And if nose-bleeds count as magic then Charlie Sheen is fucking Houdini.

10. A woman in the U.K., trying to sell her sofa online, accidentally included a nude picture of herself in the posting. Begging the question, what if Kim Kardashian has just been trying to sell us an ottoman this whole time?

11. A jaguar featured at an Olympic torch ceremony in Brazil on Monday was shot dead after it escaped from its handlers. But, on the plus side, the guy carrying the torch ran so fast that he qualified for the 100 meter dash.

12. On Tuesday, Queen Elizabeth sent a tweet for only the second time since she joined Twitter in 2014. Even stranger, the tweet was bad-mouthing the new all-female “Ghostbusters.”

13. Firefighters in Alabama had to be called to rescue a 15-year-old girl after she got her head stuck in a Barney the dinosaur costume. And even though this story involves a dinosaur it makes me believe in evolution a little less.

14. On Tuesday, ‘The Wall Street Journal’ reported that the upcoming Apple iPhone 7 will be almost identical to the iPhone 6. “I need it!” said iPhone 6 users.

15. According to a new report, tracing one’s family history is the second most common hobby in the U.S. behind gardening. Although, if you’re a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings, those are one in the same.

16. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. So, if you like lobster and you have $9 you probably shouldn’t order lobster.

17. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. Not to be outdone, Burger King will just give you food poisoning.

18. In a recent interview, actor Charlie Sheen claimed that Donald Trump gave him fake diamond and platinum cuff links. But, in Trump’s defense, he didn’t think Sheen would be around long enough to figure it out.

19. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. And here’s a picture from the grand opening:
diner

20. Alabama county officials refused to lower flags to half-staff to honor the victims of the Orlando mass shooting even after orders from President Obama and Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. Which falls in line with Alabama’s state motto, “On the wrong side of history since 1876.”
 
21. According to reports, famed Hollywood director Steven Spielberg is in talks to remake “West Side Story.” This time, my money’s on the Sharks:
jaws

22. A high school senior in Montana is staging a protest after her school demanded that she wear a bra. Said her fellow-male-protestors, “You know what I think will convince the school, jumping jacks, lots and lots of jumping jacks.”

23. Over the weekend, police in New Jersey arrested a woman after she allegedly stole 95 cents from a mall water fountain. And, just to be extra dicks about it, they set her bail at 96 cents.

24. Seven major companies are pulling out of sponsoring the Republican National Convention where Donald Trump will officially get the GOP presidential nomination. So don’t be surprised if this year’s RNC is brought to you by Chico’s Bail Bonds.

25. During a speech at a campaign rally over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he feels like a supermodel. Which, I assume means, he starting to creep himself out.

June 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 3 British men can’t see their own penis. “So, if you think about it, I was actually performing a community service,” said George Michael.

2. Concerned Wall Streeters are warning Hillary Clinton that if she picks notoriously anti-big bank Senator Elizabeth Warren as her running-mate that large donations from the financial industry will vanish. And, of course, the quickest way to get those donations to disappear is to send them to Hillary in an email containing the word “Benghazi.”

3. A man in the U.K. was caught masturbating with an eggplant on a city bus. And, even more embarrassing for the man, no one was confused by which one was the eggplant.

4. Yesterday, Speaker of the house Paul Ryan responded to Democrats staging a sit in on the floor of the House of Representatives to protest the lack of action on gun control by demanding that all cameras in the chambers be shut off. A policy that Ryan probably should have adopted much earlier:
paul ryan

5. In a new interview, Democrat Bernie Sanders said “It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” So it looks like Bernie is going with the new campaign strategy of pity, which explains his new slogan:
bernie sign

6. Researchers in the Netherlands have discovered that birds are able to grasp the basics of grammar. Although, it’s taking this bird a really fucking long time to do so:
big bird

7. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ women in Saudi Arabia use bumper cars at amusement parks to practice driving. While men in Saudi Arabia use that game where you throw a baseball at a pyramid of bottles to practice stoning women to death for driving.

8. This week, a woman in Texas woke up from surgery with an English accent. Okay, but what’s Madonna’s excuse?

9. A professor in Britain is predicting that in the future the rich will hunt humans for sport. So maybe Dick Cheney and George Zimmerman were just ahead of their time.

10. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. “You’re in movies?” said Oscar voters.

March 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Netflix reached a $100 million deal with actor Will Smith for the rights to his next movie. Not to be outdone, D.J. Jazzy Jeff also reached a deal with Netflix where he pays $6.99 a month for two DVDs.

2. A man in New York City is dressing up as Donald Trump an letting passersby punch him for $5, trample him $10 or pee on him for $300. And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now broke.

3. A Florida jury on Friday awarded Hulk Hogan $115 million after finding the Gawker website violated his privacy by publishing a sex tape of the wrestler. The jury also awarded itself $50 million for emotional damage resulting from having to watch the tape as evidence.

4. Toby, a two-nosed dog from California, was adopted last week from the animal shelter that was ready to put him down. Thus allowing Toby to continue his lifelong goal of finding a dog with two asses.

5. On Friday, the Indianapolis Colts announced that they will build a Peyton Manning statue outside of their stadium. The statue will be accurate down to the very last detail, including Manning’s height, shoe size and forty-yard dash time.

6. A street artist has painted a giant mural on the side of a building in Australia depicting rapper Kanye West making out with another Kanye West. Even more disturbing, there’s a third Kanye West in the background just watching.

7. Last week, a Beverly Hills real estate agent was fired over extremely racist comments she posted on social media. Although, her bosses should have known something was amiss when she kept hosting “kinda-open houses.”

8. A daughter of an Illinois state representative has been charged with participating in an attack on one of her mother’s political rivals that included using a staple gun on the victim’s forehead. The last time staples were used on a politician, Chris Christie underwent elective surgery.

9. On Friday, employees at a convenience store in Canada called local police after finding approximately $600,000 worth of heroin left on the shelves of their store. Which explains why a known drug smuggler was caught coming across the Canadian border with $100 worth of beef jerky up his butt.

10. A Bronx middle school teacher has been fined $300 after showing her students an ISIS decapitation video in class. But, in the teacher’s defense. those kids were really well-behaved the rest of that day.

January 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The number of tourists visiting New York City rose to a record high in 2015, with nearly 60 million people making the trip. To give you an idea of how many people that is, if those 60 million tourists got in a line and joined hands, you would definitely be caught walking behind them on the sidewalk.

2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush misspoke this week at a campaign rally and called President Obama’s daughter Malala instead of Malia. But that wasn’t even the worst verbal flub, at the beginning of the rally he was introduced as “the next president of the United States, Jeb Bush.”

3. According to a new study, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more trash than fish. So, I guess, Long John Silvers was just ahead of its time.

4. Fast-food chain White Castle announced that they will be accepting dinner reservations for Valentine’s Day this year. Unsurprisingly, they are only accepting reservations for one.

5. Yesterday, the Miami Marlins announced that they will be moving the centerfield wall in their ballpark in by 11 feet. The move will allow for more empty seats.

6. This week, Senator Lindsey graham called Donald Trump the most unelectable Republican candidate he’s seen in his lifetime. “Oh, how soon we forget,” said Herman Cain.

7. Elena Pavel, a Romanian female professional soccer player claims that at referee asked her out on a date in the middle of a match. In response, Pavel said, just like in soccer, “I will never use my hands be on those balls.”

8. Forced to choose, Rand Paul said Donald Trump potentially becoming the Republican presidential nominee is more worrisome than Ted Cruz. Or, according to Ted Cruz, “Rand Paul endorsed me.”

9. “American Pie” singer Don McLean was arrested on domestic violence charges on Monday. So now McLean finally has a second hit.

10. An inquiry led by senior British judge Robert Owen found that President Vladimir Putin approved a 2006 operation to murder an ex-KGB agent with radioactive polonium. And, in future news, an inquiry found that President Vladimir Putin approved a plan to murder senior British judge Robert Owen.

11. Will Smith on Thursday joined director Spike Lee and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith in not attending the 2016 Oscar ceremony in protest over the absence of nominated actors of color. And, as an extra fuck you to the movie industry, Smith also announced that he is making a “Wild Wild West 2.”

12. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said that Hillary Clinton has avoided prosecution so many times that she’s “more qualified for the Big House” than the White House. In response, Hillary turned her toothbrush into a shive and stabbed Fiorina.

13. A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York’s Times Square for men to masturbate in. Which explains why there was no phone in that phone booth and the floor was so sticky.

14. Former Maryland governor and current Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley is under investigation for buying furniture from the state executive mansion at sharply discounted prices when he left office. Talking about this potential scandal, political experts said, “Who is Martin O’Malley?”

15. In response to Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz usage of the phrase “New York values” as an insult, last Friday’s edition of the New York Daily News featured a picture of the Statue of Liberty giving Cruz the finger. Which, coincidentally is the same image Donald Trump wants all immigrants to see when they pull into New York harbor.

16. Donald Trump pitched himself Monday to Christian students at Liberty University as a politically incorrect protector of Christianity. Trump then stopped at Yeshiva University and labeled himself a mensch who is a little meshuggeneh.

17. According to a new study, when mothers eat three sizeable servings of fish each week during pregnancy it can benefit children’s brains for years to come. “Goldfish crackers count, right?” said Snooki’s mom.

18. Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, who helped Hollywood star Sean Penn conduct an interview with drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, has been called to give testimony about the kingpin. When asked for comment, del Castillo could not be found and neither could any of her friends or family.

December 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Unna, an 18-year-old killer whale who lived at the SeaWorld park in San Antonio, died on Monday. Trainers at the park said the hardest part about losing Unna is finding a toilet big enough to flush her down.

2. Actor Will Smith said he was “repelled” when he first read the script for his new movie “Concussion.” Not to be outdone, Smith was in the hospital for two weeks after reading “Wild Wild West.”

3. A Trans Am that was used to promote the 1977 classic movie Smokey and the Bandit will go up for auction early next year. It’s perfect for anyone who’s looking for a new car to pull their home.

4. On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia-based retail chain Jarir Bookstore said it has removed books written by presidential candidate Donald Trump from its shelves due to his proposed ban on Muslims. Or, as it was reported by Trump, “They can’t keep my book on the shelves over there.”

5. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush has moved quickly to pick up some of Lindsey Graham’s supporters in South Carolina after Graham suspended his campaign. Said those supporters, “We want to lose twice.”

6. According to a report, by age two, many kids can unlock and navigate touch screens with ease. Or, as it was reported in China, potential workforce increases.

7. On Tuesday, director Quentin Tarantino received a star on a section of Hollywood’s Walk of Fame that sees very heavy foot traffic. Marking the first time that the star actually wanted to trade places with the star.

8. After a doctored image circulated online, IKEA was forced to shoot down rumors that one of its tables contained swastika imagery. Which is ridiculous, because swastika aside, that means someone actually put together a table from IKEA correctly.

9. A company has designed a line of new earthquake-proof beds that have collapsible mattresses that automatically drop people into a fortified box in the event of an emergency. The fortified box will keep the individual safe or, if not, serve as a very convenient coffin.

10. According to a police report, a Secret Service agent’s gun, badge, radio, handcuffs and flash drive were stolen in broad daylight Monday near the agency’s headquarters in D.C. The robber would have stolen the agent’s pants if he had remembered to wear them to work that day.

11. According to a new report, as many as 3,200 criminals were mistakenly released too early from Washington state prisons due to calculation errors. That story again, there’s a reason the Seahawks are good this year.

12. A cafe that hires people with hearing impairments has opened in Indonesia. Begging the question, if all the people who have trouble hearing are working there, who’s getting your name wrong at Starbucks?

August 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who served as the best man at his friend’s wedding, bought the couple a Greek island as a wedding present. Said one of the groomsmen, “You’re gonna need to toaster on that island.”

2. A new study has found that children who are picky eaters may develop psychological problems, like anxiety and ADHD, later in life. Or maybe you’re just a shitty cook.

3. UFC champion Ronda Rousey will star in a movie based on her autobiography. “A movie about beating up girls, I hope it’s in 3D,” said Chris Brown.

4. Tomorrow, a one-legged chicken in Massachusetts will be fitted with a $2,500 prosthetic limb made by a 3D printer. “Hold On! Slow down. Where are these chicken printers?” said Chris Christie.

5. Actor Will Smith took to social media on Monday to shoot down reports that he and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith are getting a divorce. Said Smith, “If our marriage can survivor ‘After Earth,’ it can survive anything.”

6. On Monday, a government official in India said the country has blocked access to hundreds of adult websites to prevent pornography from becoming a social nuisance. That story again, India no longer has the internet.

7. HitchBOT, a hitch-hiking robot that had already successfully hitched across Europe, was unable to complete his trip across the U.S. when, just two weeks into the journey, he was vandalized and left for ‘dead’ in Philadelphia. Said the city of brotherly love, “We have a reputation to keep up.”

8. Officials at an Italian airport seized $205,933 from rapper Snoop Dogg because he failed to declare the sum of money. Said Snoop, “The plan worked perfectly, they didn’t even notice the five pounds of weed in my other duffel bag.”

9. According to a new study, senior citizens who value and engage in sexual activity have better social lives and psychological well-beings. Which may explain why that slut Betty White is still so sharp.

10. A pre-Civil War baseball card fetched $179,250 at auction on Friday. Said the winner’s the mom, “Oh, this looks like garbage.”

February 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two escaped llamas led authorities in Phoenix on a long chase on Thursday as audiences nationwide were captivated by the live feed on their TVs. The last time America was this focused on a police chase involving an animal, it was a white Bronco.

2. Amazon.com has hired President Obama’s former spokesman Jay Carney as its new senior vice president for worldwide corporate affairs. Carney’s new job, much like his old one, involves using drones to deliver packages.

3. An Idaho lawmaker was informed that a woman’s stomach is not connected to her uterus after asking if a woman can swallow a small camera for doctors to conduct a remote gynecological exam. Said the lawmaker, “And what role does the stork play in all of this?”

4. Germany’s Jewish community leader has advised Jews not to wear yarmulkes in areas of the country that contain large Muslim populations. Although, I get the sense that Jews who voluntarily choose to live in Germany don’t pay much attention to safety warnings.

5. Police said on Thursday, the $150,000 custom-made, Calvin Klein dress composed of 6,000 natural white pearls worn by actress Lupita Nyong’o to this year’s Academy Awards has been stolen. “Now you know how we feel,” said 6,000 oysters.

6. KFC announced that it plans on rolling out a new completely edible cup later this year. Because sometimes you want to destroy all evidence that you went to KFC.

7. A man in Florida was arrested after he was caught in a public library urinating on the books. Sorry, let me correct that, a man in Florida was arrested after he was caught in a public library urinating on the book.

8. Wednesday night, on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel surprised guest Will Smith with a Skype video call from DJ Jazzy Jeff. And no one was more surprised than I was to learn that DJ Jazzy Jeff owns a computer.

9. According to a new study, the most popular type of businesses in New Jersey are golf equipment stores. While the second most popular type of businesses in New Jersey are “golf equipment stores.”

10. A student at Philadelphia University has created a replica Batman costume that can protect him against punches, machetes and baseball bats. And, also, apparently girls.

11. Honey Boo Boo is recording a music video with her family for her original song “The Honey Boo Boo Bop.” Said the director, ‘Don’t worry, I got a lot of wide camera lenses.”

12. In a recent comic book it was revealed that Catwoman, one of Batman’s arch-enemies, is bisexual. “Bisexual? That bitch told me she was gay!” said the Penguin.

13. Wednesday night’s episode of “Modern Family” was shot entirely with Apple products, including iPhones and iPads, to highlight the part of the story where each member of the family was in a different part of Chicago. The family was supposed to be together, but, unfortunately, everyone used Apple Maps for directions.

14. Yesterday, Kanye West apologized to Beck on twitter for his outburst during this year’s Grammys. Proving that Kanye may be a humbler than we thought or, more likely, that Kanye doesn’t write his own tweets.

15. Nickelodeon unveiled on Wednesday a paid streaming service for children called Noggin that will launch on March 5 for $5.99 a month. Nickelodeon settled on $6 after extensive research determined that was what overwhelmed parents would pay to get their children to shut up.

16. Ride service Uber said on Thursday it was suspending its operations in Boise, Idaho, after reaching an impasse in negotiations with city leaders over new regulations. So now Boise residents will have to figure out a new way to get the hell out of Idaho.

17. It was announced that Apple’s new iOS will include African-American emojis. Giving your uncle a new way to send you racist texts about Obama.

18. Last week, a man in Florida threatened to blow up a bar after the bartender wouldn’t let him pay his tab with a rock. Said the man “Yabadabado!”

September 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A glitch in the new John Madden NFL video game has accidentally created a player that is only one foot tall. Said Madden representatives, “That player isn’t one foot tall, he’s normal size, everyone else is on steroids and HGH.”

2. Earlier this week, Denver Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker was suspended for four games for testing positive for the party drug Molly. While Welker’s quarterback Peyton Manning tested positive for Geritol.

3. Now that he has been suspended from the NFL for the entire season, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon has taken a job with the Sarchione Auto Group in Ohio. “I’ll take whichever car has the most trunk space,” said fellow-suspended-NFLer Aaron Hernandez.

4. James Richardson, the former spokesperson for the Republican Party, came out as gay yesterday. Said Richardson, “You try being around Ted Cruz all day, every day. That man will turn you.”

5. An deadly albino cobra was captured Thursday after it escaped from its owner into the well-to-do streets of the Los Angeles suburb of Thousand Oaks. The last time Thousand Oaks was this upset about a snake coming into its neighborhood was when Kobe “the Black Mamba” Bryant tried to move in.

6. Long-running ABC talk show “the View” finalized its cast Wednesday, confirming that actress Rosie Perez will join Nicolle Wallace, Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell. In the past, it has been hard to understand what is being said when all the co-hosts talk at once, but now viewers will experience the same confusion just when Rosie Perez talks.

7. On Thursday, NBA commissioner Adam Silver said he believes expanded legalized sports betting in the U.S. is “inevitable,” and the league is open to participating in it. “I guess I was ahead of my time,” said Tim Donaghy.

8. An 18-year-old boy, identified only as D.F., is suing convicted sex offender Jerry Sandusky, claiming he was molested by the former football coach several times six years ago. Said Sandusky, “I used to love it when they piled on, but not like this.”

9. The Walt Disney Company is asking the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to refuse a trademark by electronic music star Deadmau5, who wears a LED-light powered, big-eared mouse head during concerts. And yet, somehow, Will Smith has been able to work in Hollywood for the past 20 years undisturbed.

10. NASA says a newly discovered asteroid will pass “very close” to Earth on Sunday. It’s passing Earth on Sunday and you’re just now discovering it? Step up your game NASA.

11. In a 55-minute long video, al Qaeda announced that it will launch a new branch in India. Said al Qaeda, “You know, it’s really just a numbers game.”

12. Actress Scarlet Johansson gave birth to her first child, a baby girl, on Thursday. The baby was reportedly delivered via C-section, so now she really is ScarJo.

13. Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin outlined plans for a ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. Putin said he will stop bombing eastern Ukraine, but I think that’s only because he’s now referring to it as western Russia.

14. On Tuesday, conservative political commentator Glenn Beck used part of his radio show to declare that if Hillary Clinton decides to run in 2016 she will be the next president. Then Beck used the rest of his show to drink and cry into the microphone.

15. A new smartphone app helps blind people navigate public transit in the Seattle area. Or, for free, you can get a really long stick.

16. Venezuela has lashed out at “Legends,” a U.S. TV show, for an episode that mentions Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in connection with the buying of chemical weapons to quell unrest at home. Said Venezuela, “Don’t give him any ideas.”

17. On Friday, the first ever Denny’s restaurant in Manhattan opened its doors. Said Manhattanites, “Finally, I’m able to experience all the ambiance of a high calorie, greasy diner filled with seamy locals who have given up on their dreams without having to go all the way to New Jersey.”

18. On Friday, the frontrunner in the Texas race for Governor, Republican Greg Abbott, pulled out of the only statewide televised debate. But, judging from past results, it doesn’t look like Texas voters put much stock in a candidate’s debating-abilities anyway.

19. A moratorium on U.S. adult sex film productions were lifted on Friday just 24 hours after a performer’s initial HIV test results proved to be a false positive. Which is ironic because failing tests is how most performers ended up in this business to begin with.

20. A new study shows mothers who give birth in areas with higher concentrations of African-Americans are less likely to be educated on breastfeeding in maternity wards than mothers in other communities. The most common misconception, where chocolate milk comes from.