December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

December 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Merriam-Webster dictionary said, as of right now, the word of the year for 2016, which is based on number of lookups, is ‘fascism.’ Presumably because ‘WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON!?!’ isn’t a real word.

2. Over the weekend, Walt Disney World announced that it’s Spaceship Earth ride will be converted into a model of the Death Star from ‘Star Wars.’ But that’s still not the scariest update to a Disney attraction:
hall-of-presidents

3. The oldest-known survivor of the attack on Pearl Harbor returned to Hawaii over the weekend to commemorate the event’s 75th anniversary. Although, in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to make the anniversary party a surprise party.

4. A Muslim-American comedian who encountered Eric Trump on a plane, said Trump’s son assured him that his father, the President-elect, would not push for a Muslim registry. Eric said he would be happy to provide his assurance in writing, like in a letter, if the comedian would just give him his name, address, date of birth, and social security number.

5. An energy company in England determined that the Death Star in ‘Star Wars’ would cost $7.7 octillion per day to operate. Which explains the original line: “Luke, I am your father, can I borrow a couple of bucks?”

6. According to reports, comedian Amy Schumer is in talks to star in a live-action Barbie movie. As a result, Mattel has released a new Dreamhouse that is just an exact replica of the University of Wisconsin Sigma Chi fraternity house.

7. The New England Patriots placed tight end Rob Gronkowski on injured reserve on Saturday, ending his season one day after he underwent surgery to repair a herniated disk. But, on the plus side, at least the reasons that Patriot tight ends are missing the rest of the season are getting better:
hernandez

8. The price of the Make America Great Again Christmas tree ornament being sold on Donald Trump’s website has been lowered from $149 to $99. Because if Trump is good at anything, it’s lowering things like standards and expectations.

9. A coffee shop that uses sex robots to give customers oral sex is set to open in London this week. Wait, it hasn’t opened yet? Looks like I have some apologies to make to some employees at a British Starbucks.

10. A new app has launched that helps people identify which businesses are owned by Donald Trump so they can boycott them. Although, not knowing which businesses are owned by Trump never seemed like a huge problem:
trump-businesses