January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

August 12, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 107-year-old woman in the Bronx said the secret to her long life was never getting married. “Solid advice,” said Nicole Brown Simpson.

2. Last week, a Florida man who goes by the name ‘Murder’ and has the word ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck, was found guilty of murder. Said the man’s lawyer, “I told you to tattoo ‘not’ before that.” 

3. Saudi Arabia will host the world’s richest horse race in Riyadh at the King Abdulaziz Racetrack next year, with a purse of $20 million. “I’ve got an idea,” said Usain Bolt:


4. This week, former Vice President Joe Biden said that “half of winning is showing up.” Which explains why Don Jr. and Eric lost all those tee-ball games:

5. In a recent interview, actor Jason Mamoa says he is unable to shoot ‘Aquaman 2’ because he got run over by a bulldozer. And not, as I suspected, because he saw ‘Aquaman 1.’ 

6. Actor Richard Gere on Friday visited 121 migrants stranded for the past week on a rescue ship in the Mediterranean. “And Richard Gere knows a thing or two about things getting stranded in unwelcome places,” said Squeaks the hamster.

7. According to a new study by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, men who eat nuts have better sexual performance. “Hello ladies,” said guy:

8. Last week, a jury in California ruled that singer Katy Perry’s hit single ‘Dark Horse’ copied a Christian rap song and must pay the original writers for copyright infringement. Yes, but what about justice for the jurors who were forced to listen to a Christian rap song? 

9. Last week, Apple announced that it has stopped letting contractors listen to user commands given to its voice assistant Siri. Said Apple, “Problem solved, we hired those contractors as full time employees.” 

10. President Trump recently attacked representative Elijah Cummings calling his Baltimore district a rat infested mess. Although his opinion of Baltimore has always been off:

11. According to Politico, President Trump reads four newspapers a day. Unfortunately, they are the same four newspapers everyday:

12. According to reports, the first lady of Japan may have pretended not to speak English after she was seated next to President Trump at the recent G20 Summit. Which is a shame, because the two seem to have so much in common, for instance, an inability to speak English:

13. An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. And you don’t even want to know what he did to his dog after it humped his leg.

14. Police are searching for a woman who peed on a bin of potatoes in a Pennsylvania Walmart. “Ew, gross, potatoes,” said Trump.

15. Last week, democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders met with rapper Cardi B. They bonded over they desire to help the working poor, improve education, and stripping when they were younger:

16. After President Trump attached four ethnically diverse Democratic congresswomen, Republicans said they were unsure how President trump would respond to racist chants at his upcoming rallies. Although I’m guessing with a new line of hats:

17. In a televised speech last Monday condemning two mass shootings over the weekend, President Trump mistakenly referred to Toledo instead of Dayton as the city that suffered a mass shooting over the weekend. But, at this rate, give it a few weeks, and it will probably be accurate.

18. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. Said the driver of the flying car behind it, “Go!!!! It’s been green for a full minute!!! GOOOOOO!!”

19. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. The last time a car stayed in the air for a full minute, Paul Walker was driving it.

20. Last week, a nearly toothless Florida woman says she bit a man who forced his way into her apartment. That’s a crazy story, someone in Florida has teeth?

21. The Department of Health and Human Services is warning that new toxic chemicals are starting to contaminate cocaine in the United States. Which is a great thing to mention to already very paranoid group of people.

22. A Texas man proposed to his girlfriend this weekend by leading her on a 15-mile bike ride that spelled out the words “marry me.” So ladies, next time you’re mad at your boyfriend because he’s making a lot of u-turns and seems lost, remember to be even angrier when he doesn’t propose at the end.

23. Saudi Arabia’s capital market regulator on Tuesday approved two companies to test using robo-advisory services, or computer-generated advice for investors. If successful, the will begin testing robo-cocaine and robo-strippers.

24. According to a new study, adults who were underweight babies may be less likely to have romantic or sexual relations. Which explains my new pick up line, “You’re so hot, I bet you were a fat baby.”

25. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster followed through Sunday on a pledge to give a fan season tickets for tattooing his signature onto his scalp. “Oh my God, that sounds terrible,” said Giants fans of being given season tickets.

26. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fractured his shoulder Sunday after falling in his Kentucky home. Begging the question, how do you know where his neck ends and shoulder begins?

27. Coors Light has branded itself the official beer of drinking in the shower. And, I’m gonna guess, of peeing in the shower as well.

28. Kazakhstan has halted the implementation of an internet surveillance system criticized by lawyers as illegal. That hard to believe story again, they have the internet in Kazakhstan.

29. According to a recent report, when President Trump likes a tweet, he has a staffer print it our, then he signs it and sends the signed paper copy of the tweet to the person who tweeted it. And, in related news, there’s a fucking ‘Like’ button!!!!!!

30. A Michigan man was sentenced to 60 days in jail, to be served on weekends, for poisoning his wife’s coffee. That story again, a man in Michigan who tried to poison his wife has been sentenced to spend every weekday with her.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Stevie Wonder told thousands of fans watching him perform in London on Saturday night he is due to have a kidney transplant in September. Even more disconcerting, he’s doing the surgery himself.

2. A couple from New York is suing a fertility clinic after a woman gave birth to other couples’ babies because of an IVF mixup. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said President Trump:

3. This week, Oklahoma teens scavenging for frogs made a grisly discovery: a human leg with the shoe still attached. “Has anyone called ‘dibs’ on that shoe?” asked Heather Mills.

4. The House of Representatives voted on Tuesday to condemn President Trump for “racist comments” against four minority Democratic congresswomen. So problem solved. 

5. According to a new study, pear-shaped women are healthier than apple shaped women. But still both are still much healthier than the husbands who classified their wives as either apple or pear-shaped:

6. According to a new study, women who are more likely to develop heart disease when they carry excess fat around their midsection than when they store more fat in their hips and thighs. Which is why I now refer to him as Dr. Sir Mix-a-Lot.

7. The Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park is on track for a record number of eruptions this year. Geologists plan to slow down the eruptions by using coolant, adding salt, and getting the geyser to think about baseball.

8. Last week, Ford announced will sell a version of its Ford GT supercar for $1.2 million, but it won’t be legal to drive them on public roads.  And, in related news, the Ford Fiestas remains street-legal, although you probably shouldn’t drive them on the roads because people may see you.

9. President Donald Trump warned Iran on Wednesday against making threats that can “come back to bite you like nobody has been bitten before.” “Nobody? Really?” said the ghost of Seigfred.’’

10. According to a new study, men who eat at least two servings a week of yogurt may be lowering their risk for colorectal cancer. Begging the question, how exactly are they eating that yogurt?

11. According to a new study, during their first year of college, men gain twice as much weight as women. Which explains all of Chris Christie’s diplomas: 

12. Spanish scientists have found that frozen sperm samples are still viable after exposure to simulated space flight. Those proving there is literally no place women are safe.

13. During his Fourth of July speech, President Trump declared that the U.S. Army took over the airports during the Revolutionary War. Which I guess explains why there we no flights on July 4th. 1776.

14. A life-size rough wooden sculpture of first lady Melania Trump was unveiled near her hometown of Sevnica in southeastern Slovenia last week. I don’t have a joke for this, I just really want you to see this masterpiece:

15. President Trump said Sunday he wants members of the press to “go in and see” migrant detention centers. That story again, Trump is asking reporters to go to detention centers, or, as it’s more commonly known, a trap.

16. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday he saw no chance of the U.S. defaulting on debt payments. Begging the question, at what point do we stop underestimating President Trump?:

17. Upon noticing a a fly while giving a speech in the White House on Thursday, President Trump said “How did a fly get into the White House?” “Right back at you,” said the fly.

May 13, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. But the man is not out of the woods yet, he still has to deal with the trademark infringement suit from Arby’s.

2. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. That story again, man narrowly avoids being the most popular person in prison. 

3. According to the New York Times, President Trump’s businesses lost a total of more than $1 billion from 1985 to 1994. So maybe we had it backwards and Melania had him sign a prenup.

4. On Thursday, President Trump held an impromptu press conference and said he was very upset that his son Don Jr. had been subpoenaed by the Senate. He was upset because of the subpoena, but even more upset that people knew Don Jr was his son.

5. According to a new study, drinking water that is contaminated with even moderate levels of arsenic may lead to harmful to your heart. “What about arsenic contaminated with water?” asked residents of Flint, Michigan.

6. New research has determined that couples are having less sex than in the previous two decades. Begging the question, what’s less than zero?:

7. According to a new study, sunscreen enters the bloodstream after just one day of use. That story again, Mike Pence is somehow even whiter on the inside.

8. While presenting the Army Black Knights football team with the Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy Monday, President Trump said he’s looking at “doing a waiver for service academy athletes who can get into the major leagues.” Trump may flip-flop on a lot of issues, but he has never wavered on his dedication to avoiding military service.

9. On Wednesday, Denver residents voted to became the first city in the U.S. to decriminalize magic mushrooms. Voters said the hardest part was getting to the voting booth, especially after the voting booth morphed into a fire breathing dragon.

10. HBO updated the most recent episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ to digitally remove a coffee cup that accidentally made its way into a scene. “Wait, HBO has the ability to digitally remove things from shows?” asked the kid who played Tony Soprano’s son.

11. This week, Sheriff’s officials in Punta Gorda, Florida said a woman pulled a small alligator from her yoga pants during a traffic stop. And still the most surprising part of that story was that someone was wearing pants in Florida.

12. President Trump directed his re-election campaign to issue a blistering statement condemning a longtime political adviser who used Trump’s name to raise millions of dollars for an unaffiliated political group. If the President thinks that’s bad, wait till he finds out who else is using his name:

13. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell on Tuesday sought to slam the door on further investigations of President Donald Trump by declaring “case closed” after a two-year probe of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 elections. “You should hang a banner,” said George W. Bush:

14. Lady Gaga made a grand entrance at New York’s annual Met Gala on Monday, wearing a voluminous bright pink dress that she shed on the red carpet to reveal three other outfits layered underneath, including a bra and underwear. Of course, when Lady Gaga does it she’s ‘a style icon,’ but when I do it I’m ‘causing a scene at this Waffle House.”

15. This week, First Lady Melania Trump celebrated the first anniversary of her Be Best campaign. And Melania celebrated this anniversary like she does all other anniversaries in her life:

16. Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is denying allegations that he helped three people steal more than $3,500 in merchandise from a California yoga studio. So I guess it must have been another 6’7” heavily tattooed black man, with blue hair and earrings in his ears, nose, mouth and eyebrows.

17. President Trump, said on Thursday that he sometimes serves as a counterbalance to his hard-charging national security adviser, John Bolton. What? Do you know how legit crazy you have to be for Donald Trump to be the voice of reason?

18. An Uber driver in Pittsburgh has been arrested on charges of kidnapping after he was accused of trying to lock two women in his car and saying, “you’re not going anywhere.” Being trapped in a vehicle and told you’re not going anywhere is textbook kidnapping, unless you’re Spirit Airlines, then it’s just a business plan.

March 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, while meeting with supporters at a local church in Alabama, President Trump signed multiple copies of the Bible. It is the most regrettable thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr. 

2. An Oregon man, who was stranded in his snowbound SUV with his dog, told rescuers he survived for five days solely on Taco Bell sauce packets. Thus reaffirming what we already knew, Taco Bell fire sauce goes great with dog meat.

3. A doughnut shop in Florida is selling a $1000 doughnut that is topped with 24-karat gold and Cristal champagne. So, if you live in Florida and have a grand to spare, enjoy the extra thousand dollars worth of meth. 

4. Sunday night, filmmaker Spike Lee won his first ever Oscar. In response, Lee lowered his demands to 30 acres and a mule.

5. Last weekend, after accepting the Best Actor Oscar for his role in “Bohemian Rhapsody” the Freddie Mercury bio-pic, actor Rami Malek accidentally fell off the stage. Or, he’s already starting prepping for his next role, ‘Frasier’ the Kelsey Grammar biopic:

6. On Tuesday, several members of the Portland Trailblazers were stuck for over thirty minutes in an malfunctioning elevator. Even worse, one time Rob Gronkowski was stuck for three days on a broken escalator:

7. North Carolina authorities have jailed a wife for allegedly impersonating her daughter in court. “Wait, they were two different people?” asked a confused Woody Allen.

8. On Thursday, Israel’s attorney general announced corruption charges against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just 40 days before his re-election. Experts called the timing of the charges worrisome, while James Comey called it perfect.

9. On Friday, Alabama Republican Roy Moore, whose unsuccessful 2017 Senate campaign was marred by allegations he sexually pursued teenage girls while in his 30s, said he may again run for the Senate. It’s like Moore always says, if at first you don’t succeed, find a different fifteen year old girl.

10. Michael Cohen, the former personal lawyer of President Donald Trump, on Thursday sued the Trump Organization, saying it reneged on its obligation to reimburse him for millions of dollars of legal fees. “Wait, you’re getting paid for this!?!?!” asked Rudy Giuliani.

11. A Florida woman who once owned the day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited sexual acts, watched the Super Bowl with President Donald Trump. Begging the question, how did that criminal get that level of security clearance, also what was that spa owner doing there? 

12. A new report about the close relationship between Fox News and President Donald Trump says the President personally asked a top White House aide to make sure the Justice Department stopped AT&T from purchasing Time Warner. “If you want to prevent them from merging, I suggest making them sleep in different rooms,” said Melania.

13. According to a new study, when parents of boys don’t spend a lot of time playing or talking with them, their sons may be more likely to use guns in adolescence. You don’t say:

14. On Wednesday, singer R Kelly was taken into custody for failure to pay child support. Said the child in question, “You know what, I’m good.”

15. In a legal brief filed Wednesday with the Supreme Court, rappers Killer Mike, Chance the Rapper, Meek Mill, Yo Gotti, Fat Joe, and 21 Savage claimed Jamal Knox’s rap song “F*** the Police” is a “political statement” and “not a true threat of violence.” They also added that Sir Mix-a-lot has, at best, mixed emotion about larger posteriors.

16. According to a new survey, Americans are consuming more gourmet coffee than ever. Message received:

January 22, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. During an interview over the weekend, when President Trump was asked where he gets the energy to fight as hard as he does, the President responded, “Well, I guess I have good genes.” And now for the counter-argument:

2. A man in his 50s recently experienced so-called debilitating night blindness after accidentally taking an entire bottle of sexual-dysfunction medicine. But, on the plus side, now when he walks into walls, it’s not his nose that hits first. 

3. Authorities in China say experiments which led to the birth of the world’s first gene-edited babies broke the country’s laws. That story again, someone in China had a baby girl.

4. The prostitution trial of a self-described “sex coach” who claimed to have insider knowledge of Russia’s election interference ended abruptly on Tuesday after she unexpectedly pleaded guilty. Look, I’m no sex coach, but if she wanted to prevent things from ending abruptly, she should’ve thought about baseball.

5. Scientists have unveiled what they say is an ideal diet, including a doubling of consumption of nuts, fruits, vegetables and legumes, and a halving of meat and sugar intake. Or, as Trump thinks of it, fuck scientists:

6. President Trump proposed an immigration deal on Saturday in a bid to end a 29-day partial government shutdown, but Democrats immediately dismissed it. Trump hasn’t been turned down that quickly since the last time he tried to touch Melania: 

7. When asked to comment on the recent New York Times article that claimed the FBI opened an investigation into whether the President was working on behalf of Russia, President Trump said “I think it’s the most insulting article I’ve ever had written.” He knows there’s an article that accuses him of peeing on a bed of Russian hookers, right? 

8. Last week, tanker hauling 40,000 pounds of liquid chocolate rolled over on the interstate in Arizona, leaving a river of brown liquid all over the road. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” said the guy who cleans up the Chipotle bathroom, reaching for a mop.

9. A photo of an ordinary, brown egg has broken Kylie Jenner’s record for most-liked photo on Instagram. That story again, an Instagram feed filled with pointless pictures and empty messages was beaten by an egg.

10. President Trump said on Monday he never worked for Russia. And, as an American, I can say it is the first time I have ever been jealous of Russia:

11. Tuesday night, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand announced her intention to run for president in 2020. A blonde, Democratic, female senator from New York running for president against Donald Trump, what could go wrong?

12. YouTube has banned users from sharing videos of dangerous pranks on its platform because of concerns about challenges that put people’s lives in jeopardy. So, from here on out, it’s two girls, two cups.

13. On Thursday, President Trump denied House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a military plane for a trip to Afghanistan, a tit-for-tat retaliation for Pelosi threatening to postpone Trump’s State of the Union address. Because, as everyone knows, there is no harsher punishment than telling someone they can’t go to Afghanistan.

14. Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer, said on Thursday he paid a firm to manipulate online polling data “at the direction of and for the sole benefit of” Trump. And the results don’t lie:

15. Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office issued a statement late on Friday taking issue with a report in Buzzfeed that Michael Cohen said Trump told him to lie to Congress. Mueller is also disputing Buzzfeed’s conclusion that he’s “totally a Miranda.”

16. On Monday, John Travolta and President Trump were nominated for the worst actor Razzie Award for 2018. That story again, a man that everyone knows is bald was nominated for a Razzie and so was John Travolta.

17. It has been reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorney’s has withdrawn from the case. Now comes the hard part, getting Weinstein to accept ‘No’ as an answer.

18. A woman in Florida was arrested after she stole five watches and hid them in her vagina. Which is still only the second worst clock-related item she’s ever put up there:

19. Emin Agalarov, the Russian pop star who initiated the infamous June 2016 Trump Tower meeting, canceled his upcoming US tour after failing to reach a deal with the special counsel. Begging the question, are we sure Justin Bieber doesn’t have important Russian-related information as well?

20. It was announced this week that former White House Press Secretary Anthony Scaramucci will be part of the Celebrity Big Brother cast this year. Because if there’s one thing the Mooch is good at, it’s staying in a house for a long period of time.

September 7, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monica Lewinsky cut shot a live interview during a conference in Jerusalem Monday night after being asked an “off limits” question about former President Bill Clinton. That seems so out of character, she usually lets people finish:

2. A 95-year-old British man broke his own record on Saturday as the world’s oldest scuba diver. After breaking the record, he emerged from the water, unconnected his oxygen tank, removed his wetsuit, and then reconnected his oxygen tank.

3. According to a new study, smartphone apps that remind heart patients to take their pills could help them stick to prescribed regimens. Because if there’s one thing that people with bad hearts need, it’s random alarms going off at unexpected times.

4. A pair of stolen ruby slippers from “The Wizard of Oz” have been recovered in Minneapolis. Although I doubt they are the real ruby slippers because, if they were, they would have clicked themselves together a long time ago and gotten the fuck outta Minneapolis

5. Roy Moore, the former Alabama Senate candidate, on Wednesday filed a $95 million defamation lawsuit against Sacha Baron Cohen, claiming he was duped into appearing on the British comedian’s Showtime series. “I don’t like the sound of that,” said Cohen of the $95 million suit and Moore of Cohen’s last name. 

6. Last week, the White House announced that President Trump will skip summits with Asian leaders in in November, but send Vice President Mike Pence in his place. Said Trump, “It’s great when Pence goes to things I don’t want to. By any chance is he available on Eric’s birthday?”

7. The bishop who officiated Aretha Franklin’s funeral has apologized for being “too familiar” when he embraced singer Ariana Grande after her tribute to the Queen of Soul. Those in attendance called it “uncalled for” while the Catholic Church called it “an improvement”:

8. In a recent interview, former Secretary of State John Kerry said he wouldn’t rule out a presidential run in 2010. “Of course not, that’s our job,” said voters.

9. Watergate journalist Bob Woodward will release a new book Tuesday detailing life within the Trump administration entitled “Fear: Trump in the White House.” It is expected to sell much better than his previous book on the president “Rear: Trump in the White Blouse”:

10. Eight hundred pounds of lemons were recently stolen in Southern California. Look, I don’t want to tell the cops how to do their job, but maybe ask Lucy here how she’s able to sell lemonade so cheap:

11. In a new interview, President Trump claims that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is former FBI Director James Comey’s best friend adding, “I could get you 100 pictures of him and Comey hugging and kissing each other.” “I guess that makes me the President’s best friend,” said Stormy Daniels.

12. Police executed a warrant Thursday morning to search through the home of the couple who raised $400,000 for a homeless Philadelphia man. “Who’s the dumb one for having a home now,” said the homeless man.

13. Philadelphia 76ers Joel Embiid recently revealed that he learned how to play basketball by watching YouTube videos of people shooting hoops. And, by the look of it, I’m guessing the Knicks learned by watching videos of the Washington Generals.

14. On Wednesday, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh declined to weigh in on whether a sitting president can pardon himself. Trump definitely has to be sitting when he ‘pardons himself’ because there’s no way he can see his own dick while he stands.

15. According to reports, in journalist Bob Woodward’s new book about the Trump administration, Chief of Staff John Kelly is quoted as saying, “I don’t know why any of us are here. This is the wort job I’ve ever had.” Keep in mind, this is a guy whose previous job was getting shelled by infidels in Afghanistan, saying working in this White House is the worst job he’s ever had.

July 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While on his first presidential trip to England, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted a picture of the President sitting in Winston Churchill’s chair. Thus keeping Trump’s streak alive of ruining furniture while abroad:

2. A plastic surgeon known as “Dr. Bumbum” or “Dr. Butt” on social media because of his buttock-enhancement operations was arrested on Thursday in Rio de Janeiro. Word of advice, while you’re in jail, maybe go by “Steve.”

3. According to a new study, when wives earn more than their husbands, neither partner likes to admit it. “Bitch, I love it!” said Stedman, sitting in a bathtub full of money:

4. When Queen Elizabeth met with the President last week, she was reportedly wearing a brooch given to her by President Trump. Even worse, she was also wearing a pair of underwear given to her by President Clinton.

5. The makers of Crocs announced a high-heel version of their shoe. That hard-to-believe story again, people willingly identified themselves as the makers of Crocs.

6. Ahead of this week’s Summit with Russia President Vladimir Putin, President Trump said he didn’t think there would be “a Perry Mason moment.” But, there’s a good chance they’ll be a Mr. Belvedere moment:

7. While undergoing treatment for brain cancer, Senator John McCain on Monday called President Trump’s meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki “a tragic mistake” and a new low point for the United States. That story again, a man with an obvious brain injury was insulted by John McCain.

8. According to a new study, animal, like humans, are reluctant to give up on pursuits they’ve invested in. The study was conducted by one Wiley E. Coyote:

9. An 800-year-old tradition of counting the swans owned by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth started on Monday. Which should be easier than counting the number of Trump’s bird:

10. On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump had a one-on-one meeting that last over two hours. Which, if my math is correct, means Trump was able to tell Putin the story of his electoral college victory thirty-four times in a row.

11. Less than a month after “Saturday Night Live China,’ debuted in Beijing, episodes can no longer be seen on the platform that was hosting it. Even worse, SNL episodes featuring Rob Schneider can still be seen in the U.S.

12. A day after saying, “I don’t see any reason why it would be Russia”, in response to a question about election meddling, President Trump clarified his statement saying, “I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t’.” He went on to say, “I also misspoke when I said the word ‘reason’ instead of ‘treason’.”

13. Starting next month, people will be able to legally print 3-D guns at home. That means you will be able to log onto your computer, download a file, wirelessly connect to your printer and print a 3-D working gun, you know, just like the founding fathers intended.

14. According to a new study, the snorting sounds coming from a horse may signal contentment or pleasure. While snorting sounds coming from a human means Tim Allen is near by.

15. A New Orleans zoo remained closed on Saturday after a jaguar escaped its habitat and killed six other animals. The jaguar killed so many animals it was named an honorary Trump son:

16. On Thursday, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said “President Trump asked national security adviser John Bolton to invite President Putin to Washington in the fall.” And say what you will, but convincing him to come back to your place after just one date is pretty impressive.

17. John Schnatter, the recently disgraced founder of Papa Johns, said he regrets stepping down. “Now you know how we feel,” said every person after taking a bite of Papa Johns pizza.

18. Jeff Bezos’ rocket company plans to charge passengers $300,000 for its first trips into space next year. And despite the price tag, if you’re checking a bag, it’s still an extra $10.

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.