Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

October 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Los Angeles Lakers fan has named his newborn son after rookie Lonzo Ball before Ball has even played his first professional game. “Yeah, you may want to wait just a little to see how his career shakes out,” said O.J. Levanthal.

2. Wednesday morning, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer met with a group of students at Harvard University to discuss the state of American politics. Or, as it was advertised on campus, ‘Free breakfast.’

3. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ while wooing his wife Karen while in law school, Vice President Mike Pence took her ice-skating and made her taco salad for dinner. Or, as the Pences fondly refer to those days, their wild 20s.

4. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ feeling that Mike Pence was going to propose to her while they were dating, Karen Pence took to carrying around a gold cross with the word ‘yes’ engraved on it. A cross that she still carries today, but now she uses it to keep Eric at bay:

5. When asked on Tuesday if he heard Senator John McCains’s recent critical remarks, President Trump said, “I hear everything.” Which explains why Melania has taught herself to sign ’S.O.S.’

6. On Tuesday, Rob Kardashian’s ex-fiancee Blac Chyna sued the whole family alleging they “slut-shamed” her in an effort to “destroy her career.” Said Kim, “No, you got it all wrong, being a slut is what gets you a career.”

7. A man who was held by the Taliban for the past five years thought his captors were joking when they told him Donald Trump was president. Said the man, “Now I’m scared to ask about Bruce Jenner.”

8. Oreo has announced a new contest where people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their new mystery cream. The last time someone got $50,000 for tasting a mystery cream Harvey Weinstein forced them to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

9. After Jay Y. Lee, the billionaire heir to Samsung Electronics, was jailed in February, the company has reported record profit. So now might be the best time to invest in the Trump Organization.

10. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ Vice President Mike Pence asked his wife Karen to marry him by hiding the ring in a loaf of bread they used to feed ducks. That story again, Mike Pence’s marriage proposal involved white bread and also a loaf of bread.

11. In a recently unearthed video clip, President Trump admits that young, attractive women are his addiction. Luckily, there’s a cure:

12. President Donald Trump said on Tuesday he believed Republicans had enough votes to pass a new healthcare bill. “Yeah, you definitely do,” said John McCain:

13. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said, when she was younger, she went through a punk phase where she wore black clothes and makeup. Unfortunately it only made her father slightly less attracted to her.

14. On Wednesday, Lego unveiled a new set of figurines celebrating the women of NASA. Which reminds me of when Neil Armstrong said, “This is one small step for man….OUCH. What did I just step on!?! A fucking Lego! Brian, I thought I told you to clean this shit up!”

15. An attorney in Florida is arguing his client, who was found guilty of tax fraud, is too fat to go to jail. Which, I guess explains why Trump always gets two scoops of ice cream with his dessert.

16. Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother Greg Pence has filed the necessary paperwork to run for Congress. Which is why I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of Pences entering the federal government until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

17. A Tennessee State University student faces charges after she was caught on video filling her roommate’s water bottle with toilet water. And, to make matters worse, she’s also being sued for patent infringement by Mountain Dew.

18. For the second year in a row, organizers of Milwaukee’s marathon got the distance of the course wrong. Said runners, “We don’t care how long the course is as long as it takes us out of Milwaukee.”

19. Last week, a cigar half-used by former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill sold at auction for over $12,000. “What do you mean by ‘half-used cigars’?” asked Bill Clinton.

20. A couple in their 20s who were kicked out of a Tennessee bar last week for having sex in the bathroom, moved their rendezvous to a nearby Porta-Potty. And the most shocking part of that story is there’s a bar in Tennessee with indoor plumbing.

August 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” “You think you lost parts of yourself,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

2. While President Trump is vacationing in New Jersey, the White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. That story again, replacing soggy mattresses is more expensive than you thought.

3. A man who survived two days stranded in the Arizona desert, made it through by drinking beer and his own urine. When asked why he didn’t drink the six-pack of Mountain Dew he had, the man replied, “I wasn’t that desperate.”

4. The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated five years in space this week by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The story again, the Mars Curiosity Rover is apparently a divorced dad who lost custody.

5. Ten years after her orthodontic braces were removed, a piece of dental wire was found stuck inside an Australian woman’s small intestine. But, on the plus-side, her small intestine has never looked so straight.

6. Nevada’s so-called ‘Clown Motel,’ which contains 600 clown figurines, mannequins and paintings, is up for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to sleep another night in their life.

7. A man was busted at a Metallica concert in Arizona after allegedly urinating on family of three. Said the owner of the venue, “We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior unless, of course, R Kelly is playing.”

8. Over the weekend, a man and a woman were caught having sex at the Wisconsin State Fair. Even worse, there was a ‘You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride’ sign set up in front of her.

9. The town of Hamburg, New York has launched a campaign to rejuvenate an old water tower by painting it to resemble a hamburger. That story again, living in Hamburg, New York is exactly as excited as you think it is.

10. Last week, a 13-year-old boy in Connecticut woke up to find a skunk in his bed. That story again, Pepe Le Pew’s still at it:

June 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s most pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. As a result, this is what it looks like when he pees:

2. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s most pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. Rolf said he is attracted to women with piercings and also magnets.

3. A Kansas man who told police he robbed a bank last September to get prison time to escape from his wife, was sentenced Tuesday to six months of home confinement. Said the man, “I’ll see you at the bank tomorrow.”

4. A college student caught shoplifting from a Wyoming Walmart told police she was doing research for a paper she was writing on kleptomania. So, I assume, Jeff Sessions is writing a paper on perjury.

5. While speaking at a women’s summit, Kim Kardashian admitted to making mistakes in her life, but said the important lesson is to not repeat them. “I’ll take that as a maybe,” said Ray J.

6. Green Bay Packer’s starting safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is interning at the office of a federal judge in Wisconsin for the summer. Not to be outdone, New York Jets players are already lining up offseason jobs for when the playoffs roll around.

7. According to a new study, men are four times more likely to take their phone out during a wedding. And, if you think that’s bad, you should see why:

8. Facebook engineers have developed an Artificial Intelligence program that has learned to lie to get what it wants. That story again, Kellyanne Conway is gonna be out of a job real soon.

9. Rapper Chief Keef was arrested Monday in South Dakota for drug possession. News that I”m sure disappointed his South Dakota fan.

10. According to a new report, it would take 173 years to fully watch every video from beginning to end on the pornography website PornHub. A challenge that your teenage son who lives in the basement has apparently accepted.

May 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, former FBI Director James Comey once tried to blend into the curtains in the Oval Office to avoid being seen by President Trump. “Find you own hiding spot,” said Melania, who was already in those curtains.

2. Fox News on Friday announced that it had fired “The Five” co-host Bob Beckel for an untoward remark he made to an employee of color. Fox News said they cannot support that type of inflammatory language directed at an African-American unless that person is the president.

3. A GPS company is offering customers the option of choosing Donald Trump’s voice as their navigation voice. There is also a Hillary Clinton option, but, even if you ask, it refuses to give you directions to Michigan or Wisconsin.

4. According to ‘The New York Times,’ President Donald Trump bragged to two Russian officials last week that firing “nut job” FBI Director James Comey eased “great pressure” on him. The last time Trump was able to ease such pressure was the previous night when he took off his spanx.

5. A kung fu master in China used his genitals to pull a 13 ton bus. And yet, that is only the second most disturbing story involving genitals and a bus:

6. As a result of pleading guilty to sexting a fifteen-year-old girl, former Congressman Anthony Weiner will have to register as a sex offender. Thus tarnishing the otherwise good name of Anthony Weiner.

7. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. “You couldn’t have done this a year ago!” screamed Hillary.

8. Over the weekend, ‘Saturday Night Live’ cast member Vanessa Bayer announced that, after seven seasons, last Saturday’s episode was her last. Bayer played many beloved characters on the show, but you probably know her best from this announcement right now.

9. On Sunday, Pope Francis told a crowd of children that, when he was younger, he didn’t play soccer very well, which is how he earned the nickname “stiff leg.” Unfortunately, this was not the first time a Catholic priest told kids about a stiff body part.

10. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has demanded his government ministers attend the arrival ceremony of President Trump this morning after several of them said they were going to skip it. But, I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about it, Trump is used to small crowds:

April 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, New England Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski popped his head into the White House briefing room to ask Press Secretary Sean Spicer if he needed any help. That story again, a man who shows obvious signs of severe and repeated brain trauma met Rob Gronkowski.

2. While making a speech in Wisconsin on Tuesday, President Trump called Wisconsin Senator Paul Ryan by the wrong name multiple times. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Eric and Tiffany.

3. Last week, President Trump’s reelection campaign said it raised $7.1 million during the first three month this year. Although, that number could be a lot higher depending the on the strength of the ruble.

4. Marijuana advocates have vowed to smoke pot and get arrested on the steps of the U.S. Capitol building. They will join the long list of people who went to Washington with a purpose and then immediately forgot it upon arriving.

5. According to a new report, casino magnate Sheldon Adelson gave $5 million to Donald Trump’s inauguration effort. Because no one is better than Trump at blowing profits made in the casino business.

6. Quarterback Tom Brady skipped his SuperBowl champion New England Patriot’s trip to the White House yesterday. “No, you break the news to him,” said Reince to Jared:

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. “Not if I do it right,” said Bill Cosby.

8. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said President Trump was correct to say a U.S. battleship was headed to North Korea even though it was sailing in the opposite direction because it would head there eventually. Well, if we’re dealing in eventualities, I completely understand where disgraced, former White House Press Secretary and current member of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Sean Spicer is coming from.

9. According to sources, a Russian government think tank controlled by Vladimir Putin developed a plan to swing the 2016 U.S. presidential election to Donald Trump. Of course, in Russia, this is what a think tank looks like:

10. During the New England Patriot’s visit to the White House on Wednesday, President Trump likened their long-shot, comeback Superbowl victory to his own election victory. That unbelievable story again, Donald Trump managed to make something about himself.

April 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A suspected pickpocket faced charges Monday for allegedly stealing more than 100 cell phones at this weekend’s Coachella music festival. Begging the question, if no one can Instagram Coachella, did it really happen?

2. It is being reported that while flying to Wisconsin yesterday, White House chief of staff Reince Priebus got excited when he spotted his house from the window of Air Force One. Said Trump, “Where’s the rest of it and why isn’t it made out of gold?”

3. Researchers have begun testing the possibility of using sperm to deliver life-saving drugs to specific parts of the female body. Which means, sometime in the not-too-distant future, semen could cause and cure blindness.

4. According to a new study, people who live near sources of heavy traffic exhaust may be at higher risk for heart disease. That story again, Chris Christie’s heart is screwed:

5. Google says searches for ‘World War 3’ have spiked over the past few weeks. And I have to admit, that’s partially my fault, because I’ve fallen into the habit of typing ‘WW3’ into Google and then hitting refresh over and over again to see if it’s happened yet.

6. Last week an eight-year-old boy in Ohio stole his parents car to take a joyride with his little sister to McDonalds after learning how to drive on YouTube. Once there, he only ordered one drink because he also learned on YouTube how two people can share one cup.

7. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. So he truly is in a better place now.

8. Today, the American Lung Association will issue it’s annual state of the air address, ranking air quality across the country. Which is not to be confused with the annual State of the Hair Address:

9. A new study found that every hour spent running adds an extra seven hours to your life. Of course, if you factor in the hours they waste telling other people about the marathons they ran, it kinda evens out.

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. So this is Barack’s plan, make post-presidency life look so good that Trump doesn’t want to run for reelection.

January 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, hall of fame hockey player Chris Pronger checked singer Justin Bieber into boards during a celebrity hockey game. Begging the question, can you induct someone into the Hall of Fame twice?

2. President Donald Trump’s statement on Friday’s Holocaust Remembrance Day noticeably omitted any reference to Jews. Although, to be fair, Trump addresses every birthday card he has ever sent to Tiffany as “To Whom It May Concern.”

3. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said on Friday that it is not so easy to change President Trump’s mind on the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Begging the question, have you tried complimenting him?

4. The United Nations reaffirmed on Friday that torture is illegal and that refugees deserve protection. If that’s the case U.N., you’re really dropping the ball in one specific case:

5. British Prime Minister Theresa May said on Friday that Queen Elizabeth has invited President Trump for a state visit later this year and he has accepted. It will mark the first visit between the leader who was born with a silver spoon and never had to work a day in their life and the Queen.

6. According to a new study, people who wake more often during the night to use the bathroom are also more likely to slip and fall. “Not if you never leave your bed to do so,” said Trump.

7. On Sunday, President Trump held a screening of “Finding Dory” at the White House, which tells the tale of a young fish’s journey to be reunited with her parents. Although, if he was interested in that type of story yesterday, he could have just watched the news:

8. A woman used counterfeit credentials and impersonated a congressional spouse to attend a Republican retreat this week on the same day President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence met with lawmakers in Philadelphia. Authorities became suspicious when a woman openly admitted to being married to a Republican member of Congress.

9. A student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison founded a chapter of the American Freedom Party, a white nationalists organization, on campus. That story again, someone looked around Wisconsin and thought, this could be whiter.

10. According to a new study, alternative treatments like Chinese herbal medicine and a Korean topical cream may help men manage premature ejaculation. Unless, of course, you have an Asian fetish.

December 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Merriam-Webster dictionary said, as of right now, the word of the year for 2016, which is based on number of lookups, is ‘fascism.’ Presumably because ‘WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON!?!’ isn’t a real word.

2. Over the weekend, Walt Disney World announced that it’s Spaceship Earth ride will be converted into a model of the Death Star from ‘Star Wars.’ But that’s still not the scariest update to a Disney attraction:

3. The oldest-known survivor of the attack on Pearl Harbor returned to Hawaii over the weekend to commemorate the event’s 75th anniversary. Although, in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to make the anniversary party a surprise party.

4. A Muslim-American comedian who encountered Eric Trump on a plane, said Trump’s son assured him that his father, the President-elect, would not push for a Muslim registry. Eric said he would be happy to provide his assurance in writing, like in a letter, if the comedian would just give him his name, address, date of birth, and social security number.

5. An energy company in England determined that the Death Star in ‘Star Wars’ would cost $7.7 octillion per day to operate. Which explains the original line: “Luke, I am your father, can I borrow a couple of bucks?”

6. According to reports, comedian Amy Schumer is in talks to star in a live-action Barbie movie. As a result, Mattel has released a new Dreamhouse that is just an exact replica of the University of Wisconsin Sigma Chi fraternity house.

7. The New England Patriots placed tight end Rob Gronkowski on injured reserve on Saturday, ending his season one day after he underwent surgery to repair a herniated disk. But, on the plus side, at least the reasons that Patriot tight ends are missing the rest of the season are getting better:

8. The price of the Make America Great Again Christmas tree ornament being sold on Donald Trump’s website has been lowered from $149 to $99. Because if Trump is good at anything, it’s lowering things like standards and expectations.

9. A coffee shop that uses sex robots to give customers oral sex is set to open in London this week. Wait, it hasn’t opened yet? Looks like I have some apologies to make to some employees at a British Starbucks.

10. A new app has launched that helps people identify which businesses are owned by Donald Trump so they can boycott them. Although, not knowing which businesses are owned by Trump never seemed like a huge problem:

November 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, U2 rocker Bono was the first man ever to be included in ‘Glamour’ magazine’s Women of the Year list. A distinction that still somehow would have made more sense if it went to Chastity Bono.
2. On Wednesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump encouraged all early voters in Wisconsin who cast their ballot for Hillary Clinton but now have ‘buyer’s remorse’ to change their vote for him. Because if anyone understands buyer’s remorse, it’s Donald Trump:

3. During a campaign speech yesterday in Pennsylvania, Melania Trump said that, “given the opportunity, women will advance and achieve.” Except, of course, for one very specific woman:

4. The Fox Business Network reported on Thursday that Donald Trump wants his campaign finance chairman, Steven Mnuchin, to be his Treasury secretary if he wins next week’s presidential election. He also wants his personal chauffer to be Secretary of Transportation and his gardener to be Secretary of Agriculture.
5. The Harvard men’s soccer team will be suspended for the rest of their season after a review found the team continued to produce vulgar and explicit documents that rated women on their perceived sexual appeal and physical appearance. They may not be able to play soccer, but it’s good to know they can still run for president.

6. It was announced this week that Miss Piggy will collaborate with designer Kate Spade on a line of handbags. So far the reviews have not been great:

7. A man clad in a Cookie Monster costume was stabbed Saturday night in New York City’s Times Square when he intervened in a fight between two men. So, apparently, ‘C’ is for ‘cut a bitch.’

8. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s quarter pounder and french fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. But, in the man’s defense, no one expects to make a late-night trip to McDonalds and then have their night somehow get worse.
9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored a 2012 novel entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. And, if you think that’s bad, you should see the cover:

10. This week, the world’s oldest woman, who is 117 years old, revealed that she eats two raw eggs every day. Of course she’s doing that to get in shape to fight Ivan Drago.
11. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a better way:

12. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. So, needless to say, the sequel to ‘Sully’ is gonna be really weird.

13. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder and French fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. Said the man, “Okay, how man Chicken McNuggets to get out of this one?”
14. During an interview last week, Donald Trump criticized his opponent Hillary Clinton for taking time off from campaigning to go to an Adele concert. Which is very hypocritical because, as everyone knows, Donald is part of Taylor Swift’s squad:

15. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said “sometimes I have to turn the TV on with a stick.” So, add ‘home electronics’ to the list of things about Mike Pence that are behind the times:

16. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence referred to his running mate Donald Trump’s energy as “unique.” And God I hope that’s true, because it’s chilling to think there’s another person out there like him.

17. There are currently 75 pending lawsuits against Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. And there would be more, but you can’t sue on the basis of genetics:

18. Last week, a North Carolina woman, who bought a scratch-off ticket to teach her husband that buying lottery tickets is a waste of money, won $1 million. Said the husband, “I can’t wait to see how you’re gonna teach me that constantly asking for a threesome is a waste of my time.”

19. This week, a copy of the book “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” was returned to a New York library thirty-two years after it was checked out. Just in time for the rise of the Fourth Reich:

20. According to a new study, making sure kids have good muscle fitness might also benefit their school performance. Unless, of course, that school is Penn State.