December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

March 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A group of engineers have determined that it would cost $852,000,000,000,000,000 to build the Death Star from ‘Star Wars’ in the real world. Although, Trump is pretty sure he can negotiate it down allowing his administration to build it for much less.

2. To fund his promised border wall, President Trump is considering budget cuts to the TSA and Coast Guard. And, in order to keep another of his campaign promises, he is officially changing the name of the TSA and the Coast Guard to Mexico.

3. A book entitled “Reasons to Vote for Democrats” which consists of just 266 blank pages is a number one bestseller on Amazon. Not surprising, since it combines two things that Trump supporters love, trolling liberals and not reading.

4. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking’s newest prediction is that aggression will cause the end of the human race. That or stairs.

5. This week, an anonymous NFL executive said free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick is “an embarrassment to football.” So I guess the Cleveland Browns will just have to come up with a new slogan.

6. On Wednesday, China gave the Trump organization trademark approval to open Trump branded massage parlors and escort services. Well, at least one Trump branded product will result in a happy ending:

7. According to a new study, 1 in 4 high schoolers model their future career off of something they saw on TV or in the movies. Which explains why, in the 90s, there was a dramatic increase in pet detectives.

8. A California high school, that was an early investor in Snapchat, has turned a $15,000 investment into a $24 million payout. When asked to figure out how much the school made on its investment, students said, “Fuck math, we’re rich!”

9. The performer contract for the upcoming SXSW music festival in Austin, Texas appears to contain a clause allowing the festival to deport unruly international artists. Begging the question, how can we convince Canadian-born Justin Bieber to perform at SXSW?

10. According to reports, the Trump administration is considering a new proposal that would separate women and children who illegally cross the U.S. border together. It’s like Trump stopped watching every Superman movie halfway through and said, “You know, that Lex Luther has some good ideas.”

11. According to reports, the Trump administration is considering a new proposal that would separate parents and children who illegally cross the U.S. border together. And, in unrelated news, Trump has invited Tiffany on a daddy-daughter trip to Mexico.

12. A company is selling a ‘smart condom,’ which is being advertised as a FitBit for you penis that measures performance during sex. So now your wife and you smartphone can be disappointed in you.

13. Last week, the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists advised doctors to wait at least 30 to 60 seconds after birth before clamping and cutting the umbilical cord. Because the hospital does have a strict “You break it, you buy it” policy.

14. Tesla CEO Elon Musk is holding an open competition for fans to come up with a car commercial for the company after fifth-grader Bria Loveday told him to do so in a letter. Said little Bria, “Damn, if I knew he would listen to me I would have asked for a car.”

15. In a new interview, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow said he wants to adopt a kid from every continent. “Wow, nine kids is a lot,” said Gronk.

16. A California man, angry about his divorce, set his house on fire. Said his ex-wife, “Half of those ashes are mine!”

17. According to new research, oral sex is good for women’s health, finding that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and contain at least three anti-depressants. “Still no,” said the researchers’ wives.

18. An man in Austin, Texas was arrested over the weekend for indecent exposure after having sex with a fence. Said the man, “I miss understood when you told me to paint that fence white.”

August 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The internet was abuzz yesterday after the Star Wars Instagram account shared a photo of Stormtrooper Finn wielding a lightsaber which could mean he will battle the Sith lord Kylo Ren. And, in related news, after writing that sentence, I gave myself a wedgie.

2. Germany’s justice minister has accused Facebook of doing too little to thwart racist posts and hateful comments on the social media platform. Because, apparently, Germany doesn’t have a word for ‘irony.’

3. A former high-ranking soccer official charged with soliciting bribes, including $500,000 that allegedly went to build a swimming pool at his house, wants to stay at that house while awaiting trial. Said the former official, “If I don’t stay there, who will feed caviar to my two endangered albino alligators? Surely not Jeeves, he already has his hands full dusting my collection of Faberge eggs.”

4. The piano used to record ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” will go on auction next month at Sotheby’s where it is expected to fetch over $1 million. So, if you like ABBA, and you have $1 million to spare, you’re not a member of ABBA.

5. Child movie star Shirley Temple’s costumes, scripts and a dress she wore to the Oscars will be put up for auction. “Do you guys accepts bids in Subway points?” said Jared.

6. According to market research, Apple, which launched the Apple Watch in June, is within striking distance of leader Fitbit in the wearable devices market. But, if I know Fitbit users, they’ll put up a good fight and then, two days later, completely lose interest.

7. While speaking at a rally in South Carolina on Thursday, presidential candidate Donald Trump invited a woman on stage to feel and confirm that his hair is real. Thus making it really easy for that woman’s therapist to pinpoint exactly when the nightmares began.

8. Planned Parenthood told congressional leaders that manipulations and deletions used in the editing process of secretly recorded videos slamming the organization rendered the tapes unreliable. And there is something ironic about Planned Parenthood complaining about deletions.

9. This week, eight lions, a puma, two bobcats and a coyote, rescued from circuses in Mexico, arrived safely at their new home at a wildlife refuge center in Colorado. But, for some reason, the donkey was perfectly happy in Mexico and refused to leave.

10. A Justin Bieber look-a-like, who spent over $100,000 to resemble the pop star, was found dead this week. That’s terrible, why did that sentence have to contain the word ‘look-a-like?’

11. A new study of a pair of twins found that they had similar brain volumes even when one used recreational marijuana and the other didn’t. Although, the one twin who used pot did have a significantly higher volume of friends.

12. A California man who picked up a rattlesnake to pose for a photograph was hurt when the reptile bit him in the hand. Said the man, “If only there was some kind of warning.”

13. Yesterday, authorities arrested the CEO of Rentboy.com for promoting prostitution through what prosecutors described as the largest online male escort service. Although, I gotta believe the skills of the former CEO of Rentboy.com will be in high demand in prison.

14. Ben Carson says he wouldn’t use drones to kill undocumented immigrants, but he’d order strikes on the caves used to transport people across the United States’ southern border. Because apparently it takes more than a brain surgeon to understand that there are undocumented immigrants in those caves.

15. Major League Baseball and the players’ union have unveiled a new policy on domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse under which players can be banned even if they are not convicted of a crime. “Coming up with a policy beforehand, that’s a novel approach,” said the NFL.

16. Several major Hollywood studios failed to persuade a federal judge to dismiss a antitrust lawsuit accusing them of illegally conspiring not to poach each others’ animators, to help drive down wages. The salaries are so low in animation that Woody and Buzz have been living together in the same box for years.

17. Hundreds of bare-breasted women converged on a popular New Hampshire beach on Sunday to push for greater acceptance of topless sunbathing. Well, at least it was popular that Sunday.

18. This week, Donald Trump said his favorite book is the Bible. I’m guessing he skimmed the part about turning the other cheek.

May 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the U.S. Department of Justice indicted nine high-ranking FIFA soccer officials on federal corruption charges. Proving if America can’t be the best at something it will just find another way to win.

2. German Chancellor Angela Merkel topped the Forbes list of the world’s 100 most powerful women for the fifth year in a row. Coming in last, Angela Merkel’s stylist.

3. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans support President Obama’s new trade deals. That story again, a majority of Americans will answer a poll on a subject they know absolutely nothing about.

4. Wearable fitness training device maker Fitbit is being sued by rival Jawbone for allegedly stealing confidential information. But, if I know that industry, I bet at first Jawbone will be really excited about the lawsuit, then lose interest and, in about a year, find it under a bunch of junk in a drawer.

5. Apple says it has found a bug that causes iPhones to crash. Oh Apple, trying to make a phone call isn’t ‘a bug.’

6. California scientists are testing whether the illegal psychoactive drug known as Ecstasy could kelp alleviate anxiety for patients near death. So far it’s just led to a lot of confusion among terminal ill patients who go towards the light only to discover that it’s yet another glow-stick.

7. A Florida community college under fire for allowing female sonography students to perform vaginal probes on one another as part of their class instruction said it will cease the practice. So now, if you want to vaginally probe a community college student, you’ll have to go to a strip club like the rest of us.

8. The Merriam-Webster dictionary has added a slew of new words recently including ‘emoji,’ ‘clickbait’ and ‘meme.’ As a result, it has also amended the definition of the word ‘dictionary’ to “a useless collection of nonsense.”

9. Yesterday, Nebraska became the first conservative state to outlaw the death penalty in 40 years. The state legislature did away with capital punishment after realizing they had a penalty much worse than death at their disposal, forcing criminals to live the rest of their lives in Nebraska.

10. According to a new study, babies who live at high altitudes may be more susceptible to sudden infant death syndrome. Which may explain why Casey Anthony just bought a house on top of Mount Everest.