Tag Archives: Coca-Cola

December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

February 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A porn website is holding auditions to find a Donald Trump look-alike to star in upcoming videos. Which, I guess means, they’ve already found their Putin.

2. French presidential candidate Jean-Luc Melenchon has been utilizing a holographic version of himself to make appearances on the campaign trail. Said President Trump, “Can you send one of those to my daily intel briefings?”

3. “The New York Times” is reporting that Trump White House aids hold meetings in the dark because they can’t figure out how to operate the light switches. The fact that people in the White House can work a light switch makes me hopeful that, even with his finger on the button, Trump won’t know how to use.

4. The Kremlin said on Monday it wanted an apology from Fox News after host Bill O’Reilly called Russian President Vladimir Putin “a killer.” Although, the Kremlin may have defeated their purpose when they ended their demand with “or else.”

5. The jersey Tom Brady wore during the SuperBowl, which experts estimate may be worth half a million dollars, has gone missing. “Half a million dollars?!? Find that damn kid!” said Mean Joe Greene:
joe-greene

6. Fox Television’s broadcast of Super Bowl LI on Sunday night drew 111.3 million viewers, according to Nielsen data released by the network on Monday. Actually, it was 111,300,004 viewers if you count the Atlanta secondary.

7. Facebook has launched a campaign to crack down on fake news in France, ahead of the country’s presidential election later this year. “Great timing!” said Hillary screaming into a pillow.

8. According to a South Korea news agency, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has fired his spy chief, Kim Won Hong. Not surprisingly, right before Jong-Un told Won Hong he was fired he said “ready, aim.”

9. Last week, retailer Neiman Marcus stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line in their stores. The last time someone got rid of some Trump jewelry that quickly Marla Maples was looking for a divorce attorney.

10. A German tourist attraction that features miniature models of various parts of the world has put up a wall around the United States, in a dig at President Donald Trump’s plan to build a border wall with Mexico. Although joke’s on you, Trump loves the model because it makes his hands look huge.

January 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Leading women from politics, the arts and other fields urged President-elect Donald Trump on Monday to support a new national women’s museum in Washington. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, D.C. already has a Hooters.”

2. DNA traces found on plastic bands used to tie the wrists of Kim Kardashian helped French police arrest 17 suspects in connection with the October gunpoint robbery of the reality tv star in Paris. It’s not the first, nor will it be the last, time that Kim was wiped down for someone else’s DNA.

3. A man is claiming that his struggle with sleep apnea caused him to grope a woman’s breasts on a flight. “You got it all wrong, they’re the ones supposed to be asleep,” said Cosby.

4. A librarian in Orlando is in trouble after he created a library card for a fake person named ‘Chuck Finley’ who checked out 2,361 books over the span of nine months to keep those titles in circulation and on the shelves. Authorities became suspicious when some in Florida checked out a book.

5. A woman at a hospital in Detroit last week wore an electronic Chewbacca mask while giving birth. Said the gynecologist, “Even worse, the carpet matched the curtains.”

6. During his farewell speech last night, President Obama said, “the Constitution is just a piece of parchment, it has no power on its own.” “Good to know,” said Donald Trump while looking for a pair of scissors.

7. According to a new, unverified report, Russia has been blackmailing Donald Trump with embarrassing personal information for years, including a claim that during a trip to Russia, Trump hired prostitutes to urinate on him. But at least conservatives now know that he is a fan of ‘trickle-down economics.’

8. Federal wildlife officials called climate change the biggest threat to polar bears, warning that without decisive action, they will almost certainly disappear. And, if not that, they will succumb to their second biggest threat, diabetes:
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9. During his confirmation hearing on Tuesday, Donald Trump’s nominee for Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, condemned the Ku Klux Klan. Although it was unnerving that he referred to them as “the fellas.”

10. An L.A.-based artist has spent the last nine years using Fedex to ship glass boxes so that they break and he can display them as shattered sculpture art. As a result, Delta has renamed all its baggage handler, baggage artists.

November 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, the louder a howler monkey is, the smaller his testicles are. Which checks out, because Trump never said anything about the size of his balls.

2. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. Said the pilot, “No please, call me Shirley.”

3. Scientists have developed a Viagra mouth spray that works within seconds. Which explains why you grandpa’s breath is so fresh and your grandma looks so tired.

4. A new study found that chubby fathers live longer and are more attractive to the opposite sex than their skinner counterparts. Proving conclusively that Trump University is still conducting studies.

5. A 73-year-old man intentionally drove his 1980 Audi into a pool filled with 12,000 liters of Coca-Cola in an effort to rid his car of rust. “My beautiful pool!!!” yelled Chris Christie.

6. An Italian doctor claims to have invented an ice cream that can enhance sporting performance. It comes in three flavors: Rocky Roid, Cookies and Cream and the Clear, and Needle in the Butter Pecan.

7. The Supreme Court agreed on Friday to take up a case concerning a transgender high school student in Virginia who is seeking to use the boys’ bathroom at school. Said the kid, “Please, hurry!!!”:
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8. According to a new study, women are more likely to cheat on their partners if their mothers cheated as well. They are also more likely to slightly resemble the mailman.

9. On Monday, in response to the FBI reopening its investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump thanked Clinton aide Huma Abedin’s estranged husband Anthony Weiner. Because if we know one thing about Donald Trump, it’s that he’s not gonna thank someone named Carlos Danger.

10. A federal judge on Thursday blocked abortion restrictions in Alabama that limit how close clinics can be to public schools. Because there’s no better advertisement for abortion clinics than being close to a school.

March 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Wednesday night, a mountain lion breached a 9-foot fence at the Los Angeles Zoo and mauled a koala bear. Said the bears relatives, “You hear about violence, but you never expect it to happen in a gated community like this.”

2. Former presidential candidate Ben Carson is expected to endorse Donald Trump at a press conference today. Although the brain surgeon’s endorsement seems unnecessary since I’m pretty sure anyone with a brain injury is already voting for Trump.

3. On Thursday, a suspicious substance was found at the Houston campaign headquarters of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz, but was later determined to be non-toxic. And, since Cruz was at the headquarters at the time, the substance was the only thing there non-toxic.

4. A Toshiba humanoid robot named Chihira Kanae is greeting visitors to the world’s biggest travel fair in Berlin this week. Event organizers initially wanted German people to do the job but ultimately decided to go with something less robotic.

5. According to a new study, women around the world are leaving hospitals too soon after giving birth. “But if I hang around, they’re gonna want to give me that baby,” said Casey Anthony.

6. Ray Tomlinson, the man widely credited as the creator of email, died on Sunday at the age of 74. His funeral is expected to be a small affair, attended by just friends, family and a handful of Nigerian princes.

7. On Saturday Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said repeatedly, during a rally that he would seek to “broaden” the laws to allow torture. Which means, if successful, in the future, everyone will be married to Donald Trump for fifteen minutes.

8. Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton on Friday said that as the Chinese economy slows, China will engage in more damaging global trade practices. Saying, “Let us not forget about what they put in our Coke.”

9. A Facebook executive who spent 24 hours in a Brazilian jail this week said authorities treated him with respect. More specifically, they kept the poking to a minimum.

10. A farm in Ohio has the words “No Trump” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by planes flying overheard. Making it the second Trump to be made up entirely of bullshit.

February 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Some people are calling for a boycott of Beyonce because her Superbowl halftime back-up dancers were dressed like Black Panthers. Because, as Cam Newton showed, black panthers aren’t supposed to show up for the Superbowl.

2. On Wednesday, the WNBA named former Atlanta city council president and current Coca-Cola executive Lisa Borders its next president. Presumably because Borders was the last one to say “not it.”

3. This week, during a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio what they called a Marco Rubio burger. They call it that, because, after you eat it, it repeats on you.

4. On Wednesday, comedy website Funny or Die released a 50-minute spoof movie ‘based’ on Donald Trump’s “Art of the Deal” book in which actor Johnny Depp plays Trump. Luckily, the star of Edward Scissorhands, has ample experience playing monsters.

5. Red Lobster is reporting that its sales are up 33% percent from this time last year following their mention in Beyonce’s new single “Formation.” While the makers of Wonder Bread claim it has been a record year for the white bread industry due to Macklemore.

6. This year’s Oscars gift bag will reportedly contain a $300 credit for personalized M&M candies. Of course, personalized Oscar M&Ms just means there won’t be any brown ones.

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former business executive Carly Fiorina ended their presidential campaigns on Wednesday. Meaning the next Republican debate will have two less candidates and three less podiums.

8. According to a new study, people who are out of shape in midlife may end up with smaller brain volume as they age compared to peers who exercise regularly. That story again, Rush Limbaugh is somehow gonna get stupider.

9. A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly throwing an alligator through a drive-thru window. Or, as it’s known in Florida, filling a formal complaint.

10. Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ended his presidential campaign. Which means, at the next Republican debate, everyone will know the moderator is talking about the GOP mascot when she mentions “the elephant in the room.”

April 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole. So now it’s just a waiting game to see if NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends him for one or two games.

2. A Japanese artist, on trial for obscenity after making objects modeled from her vagina, said on Wednesday that there was nothing wrong with her artwork, except maybe the smell.

3. Police in Pennsylvania said on Tuesday that the tombstone of Hillary Clinton’s father had been knocked over in a possible case of vandalism days after she announced her presidential bid. Or, as FoxNews reported it, Hillary’s father is rolling over in his grave over the latest Benghazi reports.

4. In a recent interview, Jerry Sheindlin, husband of TV’s Judge Judy, said his wife is terrific in bed. After which the interviewer had to take a 30 minute recess to finish puking.

5. During a Q&A session on Tuesday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said he spends 50 to 60 hours a week working. “That seems low,” said the average American worker, “I easily spend 70 to 80 hours a week on Facebook.”

6. According to a new poll, men are twice as likely to buy the new Apple Watch than women. Said such men, “What’s a woman?”

7. After a 28-year partnership with Coca-Cola, the NBA has signed a new sponsorship deal with Pepsi under which Mountain Dew will become the league’s official soft drink. Which, I assume, is a pretty ingenious way to try to sterilize the players.

8. ‘Fast & Furious 7’ has made over $500 million at the box office. Oh, sorry, I should have used the movie’s full title ‘Fast & Furious 7: The Unexpected Virtue of the Audience’s Ignorance.’

9. During a news conference on Saturday, President Obama said that Hillary Clinton would be an “excellent president.” But, keep in mind, he also thought he’d be good at it too.

10. New York City firefighters used a rope-and-pulley system on Friday to move a 700-pound man from his sixth-floor apartment to an ambulance. There were some tense moments during the ordeal, but none as scary as everyday life for the man who lives in the apartment beneath him.

September 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. After a man scaled a twelve-foot high fence and entered the White House earlier this week, the Secret Service is reevaluating the safety procedures in place. The first step, putting one of those “Protected by Brinks” signs on the White House front lawn.

2. After a 2-2 start, the University of Michigan is offering a promotion where anyone who buys two Coca-Cola products, listed at $1.50 a piece, will be given two free tickets to this Saturday’s game against the University of Minnesota. Said Wolverines fans, “On second thought, we’re not that thirsty.”

3. According to a new report, approximately 1.3 million students enrolled in U.S. public schools were homeless during the 2012-13 school year. But, on the plus side, no home, no homework.

4. According to the TSA, a woman was arrested at JFK International Airport on Monday for trying to smuggle to disassembled .40 caliber handguns, 350 rounds of ammunition, four magazines for the guns and 33 pounds of marijuana. Said the woman, “The plan worked, they didn’t even notice my water bottle.”

5. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. Apparently the second season will focus on the mystery of what happened to Farrell’s career.

6. On Tuesday, Suleiman Abu Ghaith, Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law, was sentenced to life in prison following his conviction on terrorism charges. So sometimes nepotism does work out in the end.

7. On Tuesday, a judge temporarily restored federal protections to wolves in Wyoming. “I think you missed the whole point of that story,” said three little pigs.

8. According to a new study, young men often run into difficulties when they attempt to buy the morning-after pill for their partners. The main problem, tricking their partners into taking it.

9. The U.S. National Institutes of Health began putting in place on Tuesday its new policy aimed at ending long-standing sex bias in biomedical research favoring male lab animals. So congratulations, “Lean In” worked.

10. A Florida woman spent $20,000 on surgery to get a third breast so that she would be unattractive to men because she was tired of dating. But you know there’s some nerd who’s a big fan of “Total Recall” who heard about this and thought “Jackpot!”

October 1, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A new study from Finland suggests that being born a couple of weeks early may influence a child’s long-term education and job prospects. Hey, companies like to see that type of initiative.

2. Two television projects focused on Hillary Clinton got the axe on Monday after pressure by the RNC to boycott upcoming presidential debates. “Can we keep that quiet for about a week, I have a couple of casting sessions I already set up,” said Bill Clinton.

3. A new musical from British composer Andrew Lloyd Webber will delve into the politics at the heart of Britain’s biggest post-war scandal. A musical about British Parliament? Move over white noise machines and Ambien.

4. Yesterday, the retrial of Amanda Knox began in Italy, but Knox, who has refused to return to the country after her 2011 acquittal, was in Seattle and not present in the courtroom. So she won’t be “standing” trial as much as she will be “sitting on her couch 5,000 miles away, making a mockery of a country’s entire legal system” trial.

5. A new study suggests, more parents are putting their babies to sleep next to them in bed. “A car trunk works as well,” said Casey Anthony.

6. In London, a would-be thief was caught after breaking into a car that was rigged to spray any intruder with a liquid that glows green under ultraviolet light. Said the thief, “Can’t a man just blow Shrek, without being accused of a crime?”

7. According to a new study, older Americans who visit their doctors regularly are less likely to develop or die from colon and rectal cancer and more likely to die from being murdered by the doctor they drove crazy with their incessant calls and visits.

8. According to a highly-regarded annual list, Apple has ended Coca-Cola’s 13-year run as the world’s most valuable brand. Although I think there may be a flaw in the research if it involves asking a starving African kid which they prefer, an apple or a Coke.

9. On Monday, American Olympic skier Bode Miller called 2014 Winter Games host country Russia’s anti-gay laws “ignorant.” Adding, “And when I inevitably miss my Olympic events, just know that I did so as a protest and definitely not because I was out partying the night before and overslept.”

10. Yesterday, singer Miley Cyrus denied internet rumors that she is pregnant. “Wait, what?” said a frazzled Robin Thicke looking up from a list of local abortion clinics.

Monologue Jokes – August 19, 2013

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1. A zoo in central China has been closed after visitors were outraged to discover its lion was really a dog. Tourists became suspicious when they noticed the lion tasted a lot like dog.

2. On Friday, Canadians authorities rescued 40 pythons from a motel room where they were being improperly held in plastic bins. But, in the hotel’s defense, all the mice are gone.

3. A new study suggests children who have trouble sleeping tend to do worse in school than their peers who get a good night’s sleep. The sleep deprived kids don’t learn their numbers, so they can’t count sheep, in turn they can’t fall asleep and then do bad at school the next day, it’s a vicious cycle.

4. On Thursday, Police said a man had to have three toes amputated after being treated by a 78-year-old Colorado veterinarian with no license to practice medicine on humans. In the doctor’s defense, the guy might be missing a few toes, but he doesn’t have fleas anymore.

5. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said on Friday that fingerprint technology should be used to admit residents into city-run housing projects as a way of increasing security. This just in, the recently installed fingerprint technology has been stolen.

6. New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said on Friday that fingerprint technology should be used to admit residents into city-run housing projects as a way of increasing security. Bloomberg seems to be overlooking the fact that most of the city’s criminals live in city-run housing projects.

7. According to a new study, children who drink soda tend to score slightly higher on scales of aggressive behavior than kids who don’t drink the carbonated beverages. Which explains Coca-Cola’s new slogan “Give me a motherfucking Coke and a smile.”

8. Singer Chris Brown had his probation reinstated by a judge in L.A. on Friday after the singer agreed to complete an extra 1,000 hours of community service. Hopefully Brown will fulfill his extra time by refraining from making music for 1,000 hours.

9. Weeks after finishing her sixth trip to rehab, actress Lindsay Lohan said in an interview Sunday that she was an addict and realizes she needs “to shut up and listen.” But, in her defense, you would constantly talk too, if every time you shut up and listened you were forced to hear Michael and Dina Lohan talk.

10. A court ruled that the musician famous for the Twist dance can sue Hewlett Packard over allegations that the tech company used his trademarked name “Chubby Checker” on an app that purports to measure a man’s genitals. So, now if you want to use your phone to know how you stack up against the competition in the genitals department you’ll have to wait until Anthony Weiner texts you.