Tag Archives: Ben Carson

September 14, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Two people in Britain have been diagnosed with a rare viral monkeypox infection in two separate cases. So I guess Susan has some explaining to do: 

2. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. That doesn’t make any sense, why would God be so intent on killing Post Malone when Macklemore is still out there rapping?

3. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. The rapper isn’t taking any chances, in fact he’s changed his name to Pre Malone.

4. A former Trump Organization executive this week claimed that President Trump tried to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower, because, quote, “No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower.” Live no, decorate yes:

5. An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay entitled “How to Murder Your Husband,” was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly murdering her husband. The woman said her one regret was not titling the essay “How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It.” 

6. In a recent interview, former professional boxer Oscar De Le Hoya said he is seriously considering running for President of the United States of America. That story again, a man who sustained massive brain damage thinks he’d make a good president and also Oscar De La Hoya: 

7. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” “Try waking up next to,” said Melania.

8. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” But, what keeps him going is thinking about all the little children who rely on the federal government for healthcare and how badly he wants to take that away from them.

9. President Trump on Friday called on the Justice Department to investigate the New York Times after the news outlet published an anonymous op-ed critical of the president. He also asked the DOJ to investigate another publication because he has looked forever and he’s pretty sure Waldo not on this page:

10. Amazon said on Friday it plans to open the first checkout-free ‘Amazon Go’ grocery store in New York. “Way ahead of you,” said thieves in a Gristedes.

11. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who committed suicide in June, was posthumously awarded his fifth Emmy Award on Sunday. That’s great, now someone needs to tell Tim Allen that’s how you get an Emmy.

12. The Jumbotron at George Washington University’s Charles E. Smith Center, which is used for the men’s and women’s basketball teams, collapsed onto the floor Tuesday. And even though the scoreboard was on the court, J.R. Smith still didn’t know how much time was left:

13. This week, while commenting on Hurricane Florence, President Trump said the storm is “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Which coincidentally is how the Ritz Carlton Moscow described a king-sized mattress they are trying to sell.

14. Wednesday night, the Seattle Storm defeated the Washington Mystics to take home their third WNBA title. Or, did I just made up those two teams? Hell, maybe the WNBA season doesn’t even start until December, there really is no way of knowing.

15. After former President Obama delivered a speech last Friday criticizing the President, Donald Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, quote, “I found he’s very good, very good for sleeping.” “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said Secretary of HUD Ben Carson packing his bags.

16. A man in New York won $10 million after buying a lottery ticket and a Slim Jim for his dog at a convenance store. “Uh-oh,” said the guy when he went to turn in the winning ticket:

17. Scott Frantz, an intern for Texas Senator Ted Cruz was arrested on Monday after Capitol Police found shotgun shells in the back of his vehicle. It’s going to be really hard for Frantz to get another job with that on his record, ‘that’ being worked for Ted Cruz.

18. President Trump on Thursday disputed Puerto Rico’s official death toll of 3,000 from hurricanes last year, accusing Democrats of inflating the figure. Although, in Trump’s defense, I’m guessing a lot of people have faked their own deaths to get away from him.

March 16, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Pornstar Stormy Daniels said that the recent news surrounding her alleged affair with President Trump has been great for business. In fact, to accommodate the increase in demand, Stormy is looking for new holes on her body.

2. Over the weekend, a woman in her underwear rode a horse into a night club in Miami Beach. Said the other people in the club at the time, “WOW! This is some good cocaine!”

3. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. Said rich people, “Okay, then can we send all the poor people to Mars?”

4. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. So it looks like Scarsdale, New York will be able to keep its motto:

5. Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid have reportedly broken up. News that in no way will affect my desire to ever know who either of those people are.

6. According to a new study, the U.S. spends about twice what other high-income nations do on health care but has the lowest life expectancy and the highest infant mortality rates. Or, as it was reported by the Trump administration, America is #1 across the board!

7. On Tuesday, while visiting San Diego to view prototypes of the border wall, President Trump said the wall needed to be very high because the Mexicans they are dealing with are “professional mountain climbers.” Said Melania, “Teach me”:

8. This week, United Airlines wrongly shipped a 10-year-old German shepherd named Irgo to Japan instead of Kansas. But the family that received the dog in Japan wants to let its family back in Kansas know that Irgo, “is safe and delicious.”

9. According to a recently reported story, poor Afghan farming family named their son Donald Trump, hoping for good luck, but the choice has only brought misfortune. “Yeah, I could have told you that,” said Trump:

10. Tennessee officials are searching for a suspect who stole $75,000 worth of medical screws from a doctor’s car. The last time that many screws were missing from a medical professional, Ben Carson was still a brain surgeon.

11. During a speech Saturday night, President Trump called for enacting the death penalty for drug dealers. A position that Trump will undoubtedly change once he learns that Propecia and Viagra are drugs.

12. This week, Former ‘Blossom’ star and 90s heartthrob Joey Lawrence filed for bankruptcy. Begging the question, what took so long?

13. Russian President Vladimir Putin said he “couldn’t care less” if Russian citizens tried to meddle in the 2016 US election. “Oh my God, we have so much in common,” said President Trump.

14. Hillary Clinton told an audience over the weekend that while she thought President Trump played to some of Americans’ worst fears, the U.S. as a whole does “not deserve,” Trump. Even more proof that while campaigning in 2016, Hillary didn’t visit the whole country.

15. Greece indefinitely suspended its Superleague soccer games on Monday after the owner of the club PAOK Salonika was filmed wearing a gun holster as he strode onto the pitch to protest about a disallowed goal. Said President Trump, “Would he be interested in teaching gym class?”

16. During a rally over the weekend, President Trump told the people of Pennsylvania to “vote like crazy.” But assume Trump misspoke and meant to say “vote for crazy”:

17. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ President Trump still sees Ivanka as “his little girl,” And Tiffany as his “Who?”

February 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, President Trump is considering firing Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. “I don’t like that sound of that,” said Steve Bannon upon hearing Rosenstein’s last name.

2. Connie Sawyer, the oldest working actress in Hollywood, died this week at the age of 105. Ironically, at the time of her death, she was wearing a ‘Times Up’ button.

3. Pop singer Justin Timberlake, speaking Thursday at an NFL news conference to promote his Super Bowl halftime performance, said that his son will never play football. “Welcome to the club” said Tim Tebow’s father.

4. Before the State of the Union Tuesday night, breaking with tradition, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump came into the Capitol Building separately. Although it is a relationship tradition for them to cum separately.

5. According to testimony given before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Russian government-linked trolls created 129 Facebook events between 2015 and 2017. Even worse, 123 of those events were improv shows.

6. An Illinois lawmaker on Thursday proposed a bill that would ban tackle football in youth sports before age 12. I’m pretty sure they already have that ban in Cleveland:

7. Last week, President Trump ‘Liked’ a Wall Street Journal tweet that accused his friend Steve Wynn of sexual assault. But, in Trump’s defense, he only ‘Liked’ the tweet because Twitter doesn’t have a ‘Loved’ button.

8. According to a new study, women with overactive bladders who take medication to address the problem may feel the urge to urinate less often. In response, President Trump has outlawed that drug.

9. Fox has reportedly agreed to pay more than $3 billion to air Thursday night National Football League games on the Fox broadcast network for the next five seasons. It may seem like an odd fit, but Fox does have plenty of experience broadcasting people with obvious brain injuries:

10. While in Davos, President Trump met with the President of Rwanda, just a week after referring to African countries as “shit holes.” Said Trump about the meeting, “I think Ben Carson lost some weight.”

11. In a recent interview, President Trump said he wouldn’t call himself a feminist. So that settles it, there’s not a single person in the world who would call Donald Trump a feminist.

12. A corruption case involving the mayor of Allentown, Pennsylvania appears to hinge on the meaning of the word “meatballs” that appears in multiple emails, which the defense claims is code for payoffs. If that’s the case, Chris Christie better lawyer up.

13. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that sometimes he tweets from bed. After which, since he and Melania have separate bedrooms, Trump is forced to retweet himself.

14. This week, a seven-year-old boy was arrested in Florida for punching his teacher. But, in his defense, in Florida it is legal to punch anyone who tries to teach you something.

15. President Donald Trump on Monday charged the new U.S. health secretary with bringing down drug prices. Specifically, Propecia and Viagra.

16. President Donald Trump’s attorneys are arguing that special counsel Robert Mueller’s team has not met the high threshold they believe is needed to interview a president in person. Ah, yes, a very high threshold indeed:

17. During the State of the Union, President Trump said he will focus on prison reform this upcoming year. “That’s great, I’d like a cell with a view,” said Jared.

18. While trying to touch a note of unity and bipartisanship, during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night President Trump said, “We all share the same home.” “Don’t remind me,” said Melania.

August 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Justin Bieber is reportedly taking a break from music to focus on religion. “We would have been a lot more excited about this news ten years ago,” said Catholic priests.

2. According to a new survey, one in eight young people in the U.K. have never seen a cow in real life. And that number goes way if that cow is also a dentist:

3. A new study found that women are better at crowdfunding than men. Yeah, it’s called stripping.

4. A new study has found that nightmares may be caused by getting too much sleep. “Oh, thank god, for a moment there I thought I actually ran for president,” said Ben Carson:

5. Microsoft was forced to delete an Artificial Intelligence chat robot because, one day after introducing it to Twitter, it became a Hitler-loving, incest-promoting, 9/11 truther. That’s crazy, it took a full day?

6. It is being reported that many of President Trump’s Cabinet members attend a weekly Bible study meeting. But why read the book when you’re basically living the Old Testament? Trump is the golden idol, Priebus and Scaramucci are admittedly Cain and Abel, and there’s even a talking bush:

7. In an interview with ‘The Wall Street Journal’ President Trump said he asks foreign leaders how many people they have in their country. And then he always asks if they can fit one more:

8. According to science, ‘booty’ is the funniest word in the English language. Counterpoint:

9. Actor Tom Hiddleston is set to star in a new theater production of ‘Hamlet’ in London that will run for only three weeks. Or, as it’s known in the White House communications department, a fucking eternity.

10. Princess Diana shared intimate details of her ‘odd’ sex life with Prince Charles in a controversial tape that will be broadcast on British television this weekend. “Oh thank god,” said Trump after the Google alerts he set up for ‘head of state,’ ‘sex tape’ and ‘broadcast’ went off.

June 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. New York’s Shakespeare in the Park is putting on a production of “Julius Casear” in which the ancient assassinated Roman leader resembles President Trump. They’ve taken some real liberties with the original text, for instance, they changed the iconic line to “beware the frieds of starch”:

2. On Friday, in response to the U.S. pulling out the Paris Climate Accord, Germany’s Environmental Minister said that the climate will last longer than the Trump presidency. But to be fair, I think I have some milk in my fridge that will outlast the Trump presidency.

3. Vice President Mike Pence’s family cat, Oreo, died last week. Eric and Don Jr. have been named as ‘persons of interest’:

4. According to Nielsen data, Former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony before Congress last week drew 19.5 million viewers. Said President Trump, “That’s nothing! My obstruction of justice trial will bring in way more!”

5. When asked on Friday what advice she would give President Trump, democratic Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said he should get some more sleep. Which doesn’t make sense, because under that logic, Ben Carson would be our best president ever:

6. While giving a graduation speech in Brooklyn last week, Hillary Clinton said, “I wish I had flown in from the White House.” “Flying away from the White House is my favorite part too,” said Trump:

7. The 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo have added 15 events, including six events that involve men and women competing on mixed teams. Or, as Mike Pence refers to it, adultery.

8. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Saturday that he will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday. Looks like they’re already preparing for his testimony:

9. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. To make sure his body stays fresh, they put one of these in his casket:

10. Saturday night, President Trump crashed a wedding that was being held at his golf club in New Jersey. Because, if we know one thing about Trump, it’s that he likes attending weddings:

May 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Walmart banned a customer from shopping after she was caught on video hurling racial abuse at other customers at a store in Arkansas. But, it’s not all bad news for the woman, a Walmart in Alabama has hired her as a greeter.

2. A 25-year-old woman faces drug charges after police say she handed a detective a partially smoked “blunt” while getting out of a vehicle during a traffic stop. But, in her defense, she needed to get her license and registration and her other hand was busy holding her beer.

3. The service dog of a Virginia high school student got its own headshot in the yearbook. Which makes the fact that Mike Rositano was still voted “Most Likely to Lick Himself in Public” even more embarrassing.

4. According to reports, German Chancellor Angela Merkel showed President Trump a map of the old USSR as a warning about Vladimir Putin’s ambitions. Said Trump, “Does all that read mean they voted for me?”

5. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg returned on Thursday to Harvard University to urge its graduating class to help create a new social safety net to allow creative risk-taking. And then, once the students create it, Zuckerberg will steal it, not cut the students in and take full credit for it.

6. A man was arrested early Thursday morning after he backed a tractor-trailer through the front doors of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel. Because, as everyone knows, if you want to use the backdoor you have to negotiate that beforehand.

7. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so large as a defense mechanism against being eaten. Although, if they really wanted to avoid being eaten, they should have followed kale’s lead and evolved into tasting like shit.

8. According to a new study, the more pictures a couple posts of themselves on social media the less likely their relationship is to last. Especially if your wife finds the pictures.

9. Yesterday, Dr. Ben Carson said he thinks “poverty is a state of mind.” Pretty astonishing that the Director of Housing and Urban Development who is also a former brain surgeon somehow managed to craft a statement that is wrong about both housing and the brain.

10. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. Although, isn’t the real story that a 79-year-old guy named ‘Wilbur’ was actually awake at some point?

11. According to a new study, fathers are more responsive and attentive to their young daughters than they are with their sons. Sometimes, a little too attentive:

12. While in Saudi Arabia, a five-story image of President Trump’s face was projected onto the side of the Ritz Carlton hotel. Hey, don’t give him any ideas, right now he’s just putting his name on things over here.

13. A man and two women were arrested for having a threesome on a restaurant’s deck alongside the Mississippi River in broad daylight. Or, as it is more commonly known around those parts, a family reunion.

14. Page Six reported that, according to an anonymous source, actress Scarlet Johanson and Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost were seen making out Saturday night at the wrap party after SNL’s season finale. Although, I’m betting the anonymous source was Jost himself, because who’s more anonymous than Colin Jost?

15. Just hours after winning pole for the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday, driver Scott Dixon was robbed at gunpoint by two men while at a Taco Bell drive-thru. Dixon tried to drive away, but he kept making left turns and winding up at the same spot.

16. A Florida woman is accused of leaving her 1-year-old son in a drug den after she went there to purchase meth. But, in the woman’s defense, she didn’t have any money, really wanted that meth and the kid had a street value of $87.

17. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Weiner was reportedly whatever the opposite of ‘blinded-sided’ is.

18. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after he put an eel in his butt in an attempt to cure his constipation problems. It worked, it didn’t cure his constipation, but now he’s got bigger problems.

May 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Ryan Seacrest has been named Kelly Ripa’s permanent co-host on ‘Live with Kelly.’ Not to be outdone, Brian Dunkleman was just named the weekend assistant manager at a Best Buy in La Jolla.

2. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And maybe she’ll even sign a few, it wouldn’t be the first time Ivanka has signed her father’s name on his behalf:

3. On Monday, President Trump questioned why America fought in the Civil War. But, considering Trump’s penchant to sue, berate and name call anyone who disagrees with him, I’m guessing he’s questioning the ‘civil’ part.

4. Taco Bell announced that it will start offering beer on some menus in restaurants in Canada. Because why should you stop drinking once you get to Taco Bell.

5. Scientists have developed a new robotic drill that can conduct brain surgery in two and half minutes. Now, if they can invent a machine that comes up with crazy theories about the pyramids, we’ll have absolutely no use for Ben Carson.

6. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad during the recent budget negotiations. Also making Trump look bad, reporters who ask him questions and then record his answers word-for-word.

7. A new study found the prices for generic topical steroids to treat skin conditions like eczema and psoriasis are on the rise. You don’t say:

8. Bitcoin surged to an all-time high of $1,400 on Tuesday, And, I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Yay?”

9. Rock band the Eagles have filed a lawsuit accusing the owners of a Mexico hotel of using the name ‘Hotel California.’ While the members of Smash Mouth are suing the Days Inn because they weren’t paid overtime on their last shift.

10. President Trump and his Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin, agreed on a phone call on Tuesday to try to meet sometime in July. But, until then, sexting will just have to do.

April 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to waiver in his support for his chief strategist Steve Bannon. Which can only mean on thing, Trump has met a younger, hotter morbidly obese anti-semite who looks like he’s made of leprosy and bacon-cheeseburgers.

2. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to waiver in his support for his chief strategist Steve Bannon. If Trump fires Bannon he’ll have to find a new guy he can stand next to in order to look healthy by comparison.

3. On Tuesday night’s episode of “The O’Reilly Factor,” host Bill O’Reilly announced that he is going on a pre-planned vacation. “What a coincidence, us too!” said his sponsors.

4. Yesterday, while visiting an affordable housing complex in Miami, HUD Secretary Dr. Ben Carson got stuck in an elevator. Not to be outdone, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry has been stuck on a broken escalator for the past two weeks:

5. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he gave the final go-ahead to bomb Syria while eating chocolate cake with the President of China. Trump said it was the hardest decision thus far he’s had to make as President but ultimately he went with the chocolate cake.

6. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he gave the final go-ahead to bomb Syria while eating chocolate cake with the President of China. But, in Trump’s defense, there is a history of Presidents making huge geopolitical decisions over dessert:

7. Yesterday, when asked if recent events in Syria had changed his opinion on Putin, President Trump said, “Putin is the leader of Russia. Russia is a strong country.” To read more of President Trump’s statements you can refer to little Timmy Gilbert 3rd grade book report on Russia.

8. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said on Wednesday he had let down President Trump with his “inexcusable and reprehensible” comments concerning Adolf Hitler. But don’t worry Sean, Trump has ample experience in handling being let down:

9. ‘Saturday Night Live’ is being accused of plagiarizing a sketch from noted comedian Tig Notaro. Even more damning, apparently Alec Baldwin has been pretending to be Donald Trump on SNL and quoting him word-for-word for weeks.

10. The day after White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized over his inappropriate comment about Adolf Hitler, North Dakota Representative Kevin Cramer said Spicer’s comment is “not without some merit.” That story again, man waves down the Titanic to make sure it doesn’t leave without him.

March 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. After pledging to donate his entire presidential salary to charity, Donald Trump is now refusing to release proof that he is doing so. Although, I can’t think of a better word for supporting these two than ‘charity’:

2. Yesterday, Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway said former President Obama could have used “microwaves that turn into cameras” to spy on President Trump. Conway claimed that she saw a documentary about machines that look like one thing but are secretly another:

3. Yesterday, Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway said former President Obama could have used “microwaves that turn into cameras” to spy on President Trump. Which is why President Trump makes sure when he pisses on a bed surrounded by a group of Russian prostitutes he doesn’t do so in a room with a microwave.

4. On Monday, when pushed to say whether President Trump has any evidence to support his wiretapping claim, aid Kellyanne Conway said “she’s not Inspector Gadget.” So now we just have to wait for Steve Bannon to type up and release his statement on the matter:

5. During a recent interview, Donald Trump Jr. said “I basically have zero contact with my father.” Marking the first time I have every been jealous of Donald Trump Jr.

6. On Monday, President Trump held his first full cabinet meeting in the White House. It was held in there presumably because Skull Island was already booked:

7. This week Snoop Dogg premiered a new music video in which the rapper pulls a gun on a Donald Trump look-a-like. Upon seeing the video, President Trump said, “Why would Ben Carson do such a thing?”

8. In a recent interview, Brazilian President Michel Temer said ghosts drove him out of the country’s official residence. “On it,” said Joe Biden:

9. On Monday, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said fourteen million Americans would lose medical insurance by next year under the new healthcare bill proposed by the Republicans. Bernie Sanders called this result “disgusting and immoral,” while Paul Ryan called it, “a good start.”

10. During a question and answer session this week, billionaire Mark Cuban referred to Donald Trump as “the Zoolander president.” Which is really worrisome because there was a sequel.

March 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Pope Francis recently said that people should carry around the Bible like they do their cell phones. And, considering how many of my prayers have gone unanswered, I’m guessing the Bible and my cell phone have the same shitty reception.

2. Pope Francis recently said that people should carry around the Bible like they do their cell phones. “Finally, something more outdated I can carry around,” said Blackberry users.

3. Last week, a 95-year-old man, married to his wife for 67 years, with two children, five grandchildren and one great grandchild, came out of the closet as gay. And, I have to say, Mike Pence looks great for his age.

4. Last week, a 95-year-old man, married to his wife for 67 years, with two children, five grandchildren and one great grandchild, came out of the closet as gay. Usually when a 95-year-old man comes out of the closet it’s because he got confused while looking for the bathroom.

5. Yesterday, during a talk with workers at HUD, Ben Carson referred to slaves as ‘immigrants.’ Once again, this has been your weekly reminder that this guy used to operate on people’s brains.

6. A wedding party en route to the ceremony in Iowa ended up with the wedding photo of a lifetime when their party bus burst into flames. Said the groom, “I probably shouldn’t have asked God for a sign.”

7. A new trend has emerged of people sending postcards to the White House addressed to President Bannon. So now Trump can’t even go get the mail which was one of the last things they let him do unsupervised around the White House.

8. A Minnesota mailmen is being charged with bestiality after allegedly having sex with a dog on his route. The dog’s owners became suspicious when the dog only humped their legs on Sundays.

9. Last week in Japan, authorities discovered the body of a man underneath a massive pile of pornographic magazines. So let that be a lesson to you kids, online pornography saves lives.

10. Over the weekend, the TSA announced new pat-down procedures that federal officials describe as a more “comprehensive” physical screening. But, on the plus-side, you’ll no loner have to get a separate colonoscopy.