Tag Archives: Harvard

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

October 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A Los Angeles Lakers fan has named his newborn son after rookie Lonzo Ball before Ball has even played his first professional game. “Yeah, you may want to wait just a little to see how his career shakes out,” said O.J. Levanthal.

2. Wednesday morning, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer met with a group of students at Harvard University to discuss the state of American politics. Or, as it was advertised on campus, ‘Free breakfast.’

3. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ while wooing his wife Karen while in law school, Vice President Mike Pence took her ice-skating and made her taco salad for dinner. Or, as the Pences fondly refer to those days, their wild 20s.

4. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ feeling that Mike Pence was going to propose to her while they were dating, Karen Pence took to carrying around a gold cross with the word ‘yes’ engraved on it. A cross that she still carries today, but now she uses it to keep Eric at bay:

5. When asked on Tuesday if he heard Senator John McCains’s recent critical remarks, President Trump said, “I hear everything.” Which explains why Melania has taught herself to sign ’S.O.S.’

6. On Tuesday, Rob Kardashian’s ex-fiancee Blac Chyna sued the whole family alleging they “slut-shamed” her in an effort to “destroy her career.” Said Kim, “No, you got it all wrong, being a slut is what gets you a career.”

7. A man who was held by the Taliban for the past five years thought his captors were joking when they told him Donald Trump was president. Said the man, “Now I’m scared to ask about Bruce Jenner.”

8. Oreo has announced a new contest where people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their new mystery cream. The last time someone got $50,000 for tasting a mystery cream Harvey Weinstein forced them to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

9. After Jay Y. Lee, the billionaire heir to Samsung Electronics, was jailed in February, the company has reported record profit. So now might be the best time to invest in the Trump Organization.

10. According to a new piece in ‘The New Yorker,’ Vice President Mike Pence asked his wife Karen to marry him by hiding the ring in a loaf of bread they used to feed ducks. That story again, Mike Pence’s marriage proposal involved white bread and also a loaf of bread.

11. In a recently unearthed video clip, President Trump admits that young, attractive women are his addiction. Luckily, there’s a cure:

12. President Donald Trump said on Tuesday he believed Republicans had enough votes to pass a new healthcare bill. “Yeah, you definitely do,” said John McCain:

13. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said, when she was younger, she went through a punk phase where she wore black clothes and makeup. Unfortunately it only made her father slightly less attracted to her.

14. On Wednesday, Lego unveiled a new set of figurines celebrating the women of NASA. Which reminds me of when Neil Armstrong said, “This is one small step for man….OUCH. What did I just step on!?! A fucking Lego! Brian, I thought I told you to clean this shit up!”

15. An attorney in Florida is arguing his client, who was found guilty of tax fraud, is too fat to go to jail. Which, I guess explains why Trump always gets two scoops of ice cream with his dessert.

16. Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother Greg Pence has filed the necessary paperwork to run for Congress. Which is why I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of Pences entering the federal government until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

17. A Tennessee State University student faces charges after she was caught on video filling her roommate’s water bottle with toilet water. And, to make matters worse, she’s also being sued for patent infringement by Mountain Dew.

18. For the second year in a row, organizers of Milwaukee’s marathon got the distance of the course wrong. Said runners, “We don’t care how long the course is as long as it takes us out of Milwaukee.”

19. Last week, a cigar half-used by former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill sold at auction for over $12,000. “What do you mean by ‘half-used cigars’?” asked Bill Clinton.

20. A couple in their 20s who were kicked out of a Tennessee bar last week for having sex in the bathroom, moved their rendezvous to a nearby Porta-Potty. And the most shocking part of that story is there’s a bar in Tennessee with indoor plumbing.

August 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, White House aide Stephen Miller argued that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty does not matter because it was added at a later date. You know, like Tiffany.

2. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbill, President Trump used the phrase “local milk people.” And, I’m not 100% sure Trump wasn’t trying to say “cows.”

3. Yesterday, the Kennedy Center Honors announced their 2017 inductees, which included TV producer Norman Lear. And, as a tribute to Lear’s most iconic character, Archie Bucker, President Trump will appear on stage as himself.

4. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, President Trump referred to himself as, “the world’s greatest person who does not want to let people into the country.” Which isn’t that impressive when you think about his competition for that title:

5. New Jersey police are searching for a man who was allegedly pleasuring himself during a recent screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’ Here is a police sketch of the suspect:

6. A viral video shows employees in China being forced to drink toilet water due to lackluster performances at work. Or maybe they work at the Mountain Dew factory and they’re just trying to come up with new flavors.

7. Today, President Trump will begin an extended 17-day vacation at his golf club in New Jersey. Because nothing makes you want to get back to work more than spending 17 days in New Jersey.

8. A day into her role as New Zealand’s opposition leader, Jacinda Ardern was twice asked about her plans for having babies. But that’s gonna happen when you give your Jewish mother press credentials:

9. Singer Gwen Stefani is reportedly working on a Christmas album with her boyfriend Blake Shelton. Yet another example of someone trying to put the coal industry out of business.

10. The TV show ‘Extra’ is replacing co-host Tracey Edmonds with Renee Bargh. Begging the question, are those real people or did I just make up those names? There’s really no way of knowing.

11. A teen in Louisiana got a hammer stuck in her mouth on a dare. Or, at least, that’s what MC Hammer told his wife when she walked in on them.

12. According to reports, ousted communications director Anthony Scaramucci is listed as dead in the Harvard Law School Alumni Directory. Say what you will about Trump, but when he handles a problem, he handles a problem.

13. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. That might seem like a very early announcement, but, if I know one thing about John Delaney, I would be shocked that I knew one thing about John Delaney.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles turned in one of the worst practices of his career by throwing five interceptions. “I know they were to the opposing team,” said Jets quarterbacks, “but what’s it like to throw a completion?”

15. An image has gone viral showing an employee of Europe’s budget airline EasyJet punching a passenger in the face while he was holding a baby. Said a United employee, “Dude, you completely missed the baby.”

16. A Connecticut man has been sentenced to 120 days in jail after police say he cut his pet fish in half. Also, now I’m suspicious about his claim that he also has siamese cats.

17. Due to an unforeseen increase in demand, the University of California had to rescind acceptance letters for nearly 500 students. “But, you kept their tuition checks, right?” said Trump University.

18. A 59-year old woman from central China transformed her appearance through plastic surgery in order to avoid $3.71 million of personal debts. Begging the question, exactly how much money does Renee Zellwegger owe?:

June 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Authorities say a Utah woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth using pliers in a Walmart restroom. Despite that, the kid still had the most teeth of anyone at that Walmart.

2. According to a new report, housing a prisoner in California now costs more than a year at Harvard. Although, some lucky few will get to experience both in their lifetime:

3. Al Pacino will reportedly play former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno in an upcoming HBO film. It will be the first time since ‘Scent of a Woman’ that Pacino will play a guy who’s not good at seeing what’s going on around him.

4. There is a barber in Brooklyn whose Tourette’s syndrome causes his arms to twitch involuntarily. Which may sound like a bad fit, but it’s better than his pervious job as a mohel.

5. Fashion retailer J. Crew announced that longtime CEO Millard Drexler will no longer serve in that capacity. He was reportedly given a paisley slip.

6. On Monday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that President Trump “doesn’t care what you call” his proposed travel ban. Which is funny, because he seems to get really upset when courts call it “unconstitutional”:

7. Authorities have concluded that a Delta flight that landed at the wrong South Dakota airport last year, did so due to pilot error. But, to be fair, isn’t that how most people end up in South Dakota, by mistake.

8. On Tuesday, Ivanka Trump was spotted in the White House wearing a $35 dress from Target. “That seems out of place,” said people upon seeing Ivanka in the White House.

9. An 8-year-old girl’s soccer team was booted from a tournament in Nebraska after officials mistook her for a boy. Said the girl’s parents, “We are upset at the referee’s misjudgment, but thrilled that we don’t have to watch another soccer game.”

10. People are calling for the cancellation of a planned concert in Bosnia by a Croatian nationalist singer whose songs are offensive to Serbs and Muslim Bosniaks. Yet Nickelback is still allowed to tour even though their songs are offensive to people with ears.

June 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A giant scaffold bearing the image of British Prime Minister Theresa May appeared on the cliffs of Dover on Monday, complete with a Union Flag skirt and a rude hand gesture indicating to the rest of Europe that it should go away. “That gives me an idea,” said Trump:

2. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby arrived for the first day of his sexual assault trial with Keshia Knight Pulliam, the actress who played Rudy on ‘The Cosby Show’ by his side. When asked why she chose to do that, Pulliam said, “Because it’s a lot safer than walking in front of him.”

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Also, that’s not what a USB port is for.

4. To promote its product, a condom company is running an ad asking the question, what if Donald Trump had never been born. “You know, it’s not too late to go with Plan B,” said Mike Pence.

5. Peter Laviolette, the head coach of the NHL’s Nashville Predators, has asked fans to stop throwing catfish onto the ice to celebrate goals. “Well, there goes my business,” said this guy:

6. At least 10 incoming freshmen to Harvard University have had their admission revoked for sharing anti-Semitic and racist content in an exclusive Facebook chat. But, on the plus side, they’ve all been given free rides to the University of Alabama.

7. A prostitution ring in Japan lets customers eat curry rice off of naked women. That way the burning sensation you feel when eating will match the burning sensation you’ll get when peeing.

8. Actor Jeremy Piven is putting his Malibu home on the market for $10.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d probably say “bro” a lot.

9. According to a new study, people who attend religious services tend to live longer. Turns out, ironically, Jesus may have made it past thirty-three if only he had gone to church more.

10. On Monday, George Conway, the husband of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway, criticized President Trump’s tweets about the administration’s temporary travel ban, saying they were undercutting the Justice Department’s ability to defend his policies. Adding, “Even my crazy-ass wife is having a hard time spinning this shit.”

May 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Walmart banned a customer from shopping after she was caught on video hurling racial abuse at other customers at a store in Arkansas. But, it’s not all bad news for the woman, a Walmart in Alabama has hired her as a greeter.

2. A 25-year-old woman faces drug charges after police say she handed a detective a partially smoked “blunt” while getting out of a vehicle during a traffic stop. But, in her defense, she needed to get her license and registration and her other hand was busy holding her beer.

3. The service dog of a Virginia high school student got its own headshot in the yearbook. Which makes the fact that Mike Rositano was still voted “Most Likely to Lick Himself in Public” even more embarrassing.

4. According to reports, German Chancellor Angela Merkel showed President Trump a map of the old USSR as a warning about Vladimir Putin’s ambitions. Said Trump, “Does all that read mean they voted for me?”

5. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg returned on Thursday to Harvard University to urge its graduating class to help create a new social safety net to allow creative risk-taking. And then, once the students create it, Zuckerberg will steal it, not cut the students in and take full credit for it.

6. A man was arrested early Thursday morning after he backed a tractor-trailer through the front doors of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel. Because, as everyone knows, if you want to use the backdoor you have to negotiate that beforehand.

7. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so large as a defense mechanism against being eaten. Although, if they really wanted to avoid being eaten, they should have followed kale’s lead and evolved into tasting like shit.

8. According to a new study, the more pictures a couple posts of themselves on social media the less likely their relationship is to last. Especially if your wife finds the pictures.

9. Yesterday, Dr. Ben Carson said he thinks “poverty is a state of mind.” Pretty astonishing that the Director of Housing and Urban Development who is also a former brain surgeon somehow managed to craft a statement that is wrong about both housing and the brain.

10. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. Although, isn’t the real story that a 79-year-old guy named ‘Wilbur’ was actually awake at some point?

11. According to a new study, fathers are more responsive and attentive to their young daughters than they are with their sons. Sometimes, a little too attentive:

12. While in Saudi Arabia, a five-story image of President Trump’s face was projected onto the side of the Ritz Carlton hotel. Hey, don’t give him any ideas, right now he’s just putting his name on things over here.

13. A man and two women were arrested for having a threesome on a restaurant’s deck alongside the Mississippi River in broad daylight. Or, as it is more commonly known around those parts, a family reunion.

14. Page Six reported that, according to an anonymous source, actress Scarlet Johanson and Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost were seen making out Saturday night at the wrap party after SNL’s season finale. Although, I’m betting the anonymous source was Jost himself, because who’s more anonymous than Colin Jost?

15. Just hours after winning pole for the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday, driver Scott Dixon was robbed at gunpoint by two men while at a Taco Bell drive-thru. Dixon tried to drive away, but he kept making left turns and winding up at the same spot.

16. A Florida woman is accused of leaving her 1-year-old son in a drug den after she went there to purchase meth. But, in the woman’s defense, she didn’t have any money, really wanted that meth and the kid had a street value of $87.

17. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Weiner was reportedly whatever the opposite of ‘blinded-sided’ is.

18. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after he put an eel in his butt in an attempt to cure his constipation problems. It worked, it didn’t cure his constipation, but now he’s got bigger problems.

March 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new report, the tooth fairy left a record $290 million dollars under pillows last year. No one has spent that much money in bed since Charlie Sheen.

2. During a recent interview, Oprah said she is thinking about running for president in 2020. And she does have a lot of things in common with our current president, for instance, they both hosted popular tv shows, they both have never held government office and they both get annoyed when black people stay in their places rent free:
stedman

3. For the first time in its 130-year history, the Harvard Law Review elected a black woman as president. They broke the news to Attorney General Jeff Session by saying, “Harvard has elected a woman as president of Law Review, and it get’s worse.”

4. Scientists have discovered a way to grow human tissue on apples. Although the process isn’t pretty:
american-pie

5. A group of Parisians, uninspired by the French presidential candidates, have collected over 43,000 signatures calling for Barack Obama to run. Said Barack, “I know I have that French birth certificate lying around here somewhere.”

6. The NFL plans to put microchips in all footballs starting next year. And, in unrelated news, the Patriots have announced the hiring of a new ball boy:
hackers

7. President Trump on Tuesday reaffirmed support for the United State’s longstanding security alliances around the world but insisted their allies must “pay their fair share of the costs.” That story again, a man who hasn’t paid taxes in 20 years is whining about others not paying their fair share.

8. Researchers at the University of Alberta released a new study detailing the urine levels in swimming pools. Experts called the report “eye-opening,” while President Trump called it “mouth-opening.”

9. A Florida man is accused of stealing the identity of the drummer of the rock band Nickelback and using it to purchase $25,000 in music equipment. Authorities became suspicious when the man openly and proudly admitted to being a member of Nickelback.

10. A man in Maine is claiming that he saw an image of Jesus on a piece of buttered toast. So, yeah, Maine is exactly as exciting as you always thought it was.

December 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio met with President-elect Trump to talk about climate issues. That story again, the Great Gatsby met with the Overweight Gatsby

2. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering formally turning over the operational responsibility for his businesses to his two adult sons, Don Jr. and Eric, but he intends to keep a stake in the business. Although, it’s probably best not to use the word ‘stake’ around Eric:

3. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman, who was homebound for decades, is set to fly to Mumbai for weight-loss surgery. That story again, a 1,100 pound Egyptian woman is set to fly to Mumbai in an attempt to get free peanuts.

4. A 1,100 pound woman is set to fly from Egypt to Mumbai for weight-loss surgery. Although, ‘fly from Egypt to Mumbai’ seems ambitious, how about ‘struggle to get off the ground from Egypt to Mumbai.’

5. An Indian doctor is set to perform a weight loss surgery on a 1,100 pound Egyptian woman. Because it’s never too early to get ready for bikini season.

6. This week, recent Penn graduate Tiffany Trump was seen touring Harvard Law School. Tiffany is considering becoming a lawyer because she wasn’t hated enough just being a Trump.

7. This week, Pope Francis said, “media that focus on scandals and spread fake news to smear politicians risk becoming like people who have a morbid fascination with excrement,” Begging the question, who has the Pope been hanging out with?
 
8. Yesterday, astronaut, former-Senator and national hero John Glenn died at the age of 95. I take solace in the fact that he’s in a better place now, specifically, not the US.

9. Pope Francis prayed for the unemployed on Thursday at a statue of the Madonna in Rome. Specifically praying that his son will get a job so he can finally move out of the Vatican’s basement.

10. On Wednesday, a 42-year-old South African began his quest to be the first person to cross the Atlantic Ocean via stand-up paddleboard. Which I assume will eventually become a sit-down paddleboard, a lie-down paddleboard and “hey look, there’s a free empty paddle board.”

11. A sexually frustrated Indian man chopped off his penis after his wife refused to have sex with him for ten years. Man, that guy’s gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds out about divorce.

12. A Doctor in the U.K. is accused of swallowing a patient’s semen during an examination and telling him to “take it as a sign of appreciation.” Yet another reason why my wife will never be a doctor.

13. In an interview on Wednesday, President-elect Donald Trump said he has done nothing to divide the country. Then added, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue my victory tour where I only visit the states that voted for me.”

14. After President-elect Donald Trump specifically attacked him on Twitter Wednesday night, local Steelworkers Union leader Chuck Jones said he received death threats, but added, “I can deal with people that make stupid statements and move on.” A sentiment which means he’s too mature to be President.

15. Two Ku Klux Klan leaders were charged in the stabbing of a third Klan member before a parade in North Carolina celebrating Donald Trump’s victory. Said Klan members, “How do you celebrate?”

November 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, U2 rocker Bono was the first man ever to be included in ‘Glamour’ magazine’s Women of the Year list. A distinction that still somehow would have made more sense if it went to Chastity Bono.
 
2. On Wednesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump encouraged all early voters in Wisconsin who cast their ballot for Hillary Clinton but now have ‘buyer’s remorse’ to change their vote for him. Because if anyone understands buyer’s remorse, it’s Donald Trump:
trump-weddings

3. During a campaign speech yesterday in Pennsylvania, Melania Trump said that, “given the opportunity, women will advance and achieve.” Except, of course, for one very specific woman:
hill

4. The Fox Business Network reported on Thursday that Donald Trump wants his campaign finance chairman, Steven Mnuchin, to be his Treasury secretary if he wins next week’s presidential election. He also wants his personal chauffer to be Secretary of Transportation and his gardener to be Secretary of Agriculture.
 
5. The Harvard men’s soccer team will be suspended for the rest of their season after a review found the team continued to produce vulgar and explicit documents that rated women on their perceived sexual appeal and physical appearance. They may not be able to play soccer, but it’s good to know they can still run for president.

6. It was announced this week that Miss Piggy will collaborate with designer Kate Spade on a line of handbags. So far the reviews have not been great:
statler

7. A man clad in a Cookie Monster costume was stabbed Saturday night in New York City’s Times Square when he intervened in a fight between two men. So, apparently, ‘C’ is for ‘cut a bitch.’

8. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s quarter pounder and french fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. But, in the man’s defense, no one expects to make a late-night trip to McDonalds and then have their night somehow get worse.
 
9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored a 2012 novel entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. And, if you think that’s bad, you should see the cover:
trump-tower

10. This week, the world’s oldest woman, who is 117 years old, revealed that she eats two raw eggs every day. Of course she’s doing that to get in shape to fight Ivan Drago.
 
11. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a better way:
burning

12. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. So, needless to say, the sequel to ‘Sully’ is gonna be really weird.

13. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder and French fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. Said the man, “Okay, how man Chicken McNuggets to get out of this one?”
 
14. During an interview last week, Donald Trump criticized his opponent Hillary Clinton for taking time off from campaigning to go to an Adele concert. Which is very hypocritical because, as everyone knows, Donald is part of Taylor Swift’s squad:
squad

15. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said “sometimes I have to turn the TV on with a stick.” So, add ‘home electronics’ to the list of things about Mike Pence that are behind the times:
paper

16. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence referred to his running mate Donald Trump’s energy as “unique.” And God I hope that’s true, because it’s chilling to think there’s another person out there like him.

17. There are currently 75 pending lawsuits against Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. And there would be more, but you can’t sue on the basis of genetics:

18. Last week, a North Carolina woman, who bought a scratch-off ticket to teach her husband that buying lottery tickets is a waste of money, won $1 million. Said the husband, “I can’t wait to see how you’re gonna teach me that constantly asking for a threesome is a waste of my time.”

19. This week, a copy of the book “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” was returned to a New York library thirty-two years after it was checked out. Just in time for the rise of the Fourth Reich:
trump-salute

20. According to a new study, making sure kids have good muscle fitness might also benefit their school performance. Unless, of course, that school is Penn State.

September 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yisrael Kristal, the world’s, oldest man is to finally have his bar mitzvah at the age of 113. And, in what can only be described as a very bold move, he’s already started planning his quinceanera.

2. Last week, a kindergarten student in New Jersey brought 30 packs of heroin to school in his lunchbox. Which means there’s a heroin dealer somewhere in Camden carrying around a briefcase full of Lunchables.

3. During his appearance on the “Dr. Oz” show last week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said campaigning is “a form of exercise.” “So, maybe everything worked out for the best,” said Chris Christie.

4. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump vowed that, if elected, he will crete 25 million jobs. Of course he will, because someone’s gonna have to do the work of the 25 million Americans who move to Canada.

5. A twelve-year-old Canadian boy who pulled a knife on another young boy while playing a game of basketball has been sentenced by a judge to play basketball at least five hours a week. Begging the questions, what kind of horrific crimes did the players on the 76ers commit to be relegated to that existence?

6. According to some unverified reports, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte allegedly once shot dead a justice department agent with an Uzi submachine gun while mayor. Duterte objects to the reports, but only the ‘once’ part.

7. A Syrian rebel accidentally blew himself and his comrades up while taking a selfie with a phone. But, in his defense, I never know which button to press when taking a picture either.

8. An English teacher in Canada allegedly told a student: “Why don’t you lick me where I fart.” It’s good to hear that students are still be exposed to the masters like Shakespeare, Dickens and Dice Clay.

9. Rapper Coolio was arrested at LAX over the weekend after allegedly trying to board a plane with a loaded handgun. Luckily, the plane wasn’t delayed as another stewardess was able to fill in for him.

10. A Harvard professor published a paper supporting his theory that it is natural and normal for humans to be physically lazy. But, don’t hold your breath for a follow-up report from him.