Tag Archives: Croatia

June 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Authorities say a Utah woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth using pliers in a Walmart restroom. Despite that, the kid still had the most teeth of anyone at that Walmart.

2. According to a new report, housing a prisoner in California now costs more than a year at Harvard. Although, some lucky few will get to experience both in their lifetime:

3. Al Pacino will reportedly play former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno in an upcoming HBO film. It will be the first time since ‘Scent of a Woman’ that Pacino will play a guy who’s not good at seeing what’s going on around him.

4. There is a barber in Brooklyn whose Tourette’s syndrome causes his arms to twitch involuntarily. Which may sound like a bad fit, but it’s better than his pervious job as a mohel.

5. Fashion retailer J. Crew announced that longtime CEO Millard Drexler will no longer serve in that capacity. He was reportedly given a paisley slip.

6. On Monday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that President Trump “doesn’t care what you call” his proposed travel ban. Which is funny, because he seems to get really upset when courts call it “unconstitutional”:

7. Authorities have concluded that a Delta flight that landed at the wrong South Dakota airport last year, did so due to pilot error. But, to be fair, isn’t that how most people end up in South Dakota, by mistake.

8. On Tuesday, Ivanka Trump was spotted in the White House wearing a $35 dress from Target. “That seems out of place,” said people upon seeing Ivanka in the White House.

9. An 8-year-old girl’s soccer team was booted from a tournament in Nebraska after officials mistook her for a boy. Said the girl’s parents, “We are upset at the referee’s misjudgment, but thrilled that we don’t have to watch another soccer game.”

10. People are calling for the cancellation of a planned concert in Bosnia by a Croatian nationalist singer whose songs are offensive to Serbs and Muslim Bosniaks. Yet Nickelback is still allowed to tour even though their songs are offensive to people with ears.

April 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. During Tuesday’s state primary, officials confirmed that over 125,000 people were missing from the New York City voter rolls. Luckily, I found all of them walking on the sidewalk ahead of me while I was trying to get to work.

2. U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts used sign language from the Supreme Court bench on Tuesday as he welcomed a dozen deaf lawyers who took part in a ceremony authorizing them to argue cases before the court. The best part of the attorneys using sign language to argue their case was that it they could do so without waking up Justice Thomas.

3. On Tuesday, a Croatian umpire who officiated at the U.S. Open while serving a 12-month suspension was been banned for 10 years. Said the umpire, “So I’ll see you next year that the Open?”

4. Last night, New York City’s Empire State Building was lit red to signify Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s win in the state’s primary on Tuesday. Because, apparently, the building doesn’t have the capability of lighting itself orange.

5. A Jerusalem brewery has produced a craft beer with a taste it says dates back to the time of Jesus. Which is ridiculous, because if I wanted to drink a beer that tastes like it’s been sitting around for centuries, I drink a Miller Light.

6. In a trailer for a new documentary focusing on Chris Brown, the singer said, after the backlash he received from assaulting his then-girlfriend Rihanna, he had dreams of committing suicide. Hey Chris, if I’ve learned anything from your music, it’s not to give up on your dreams.

7. Former New York Giant Michael Strahan is leaving his morning hosting job on “Live with Kelly & Michael” to become a full-time anchor on “Good Morning America.” Which is ironic because “a full-time anchor” is how you can describe anyone playing for the Jets.

8. Over the weekend, a couple was caught having sex in the stands of a Mets-Indians baseball game in Cleveland. Said the embarrassed couple, “Please don’t tell our friends and family we were at an Indians game.”

9. According to a new report, air pollution will kill over 200,000 people in the U.K. in the next five years. Because, I assume, Coldplay music counts as air pollution.

10. A new study finds the children of same-sex parents are just as healthy emotionally and physically as the children of different-sex parents. And, in some cases, healthier:
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