March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

June 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say a Utah woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth using pliers in a Walmart restroom. Despite that, the kid still had the most teeth of anyone at that Walmart.

2. According to a new report, housing a prisoner in California now costs more than a year at Harvard. Although, some lucky few will get to experience both in their lifetime:

3. Al Pacino will reportedly play former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno in an upcoming HBO film. It will be the first time since ‘Scent of a Woman’ that Pacino will play a guy who’s not good at seeing what’s going on around him.

4. There is a barber in Brooklyn whose Tourette’s syndrome causes his arms to twitch involuntarily. Which may sound like a bad fit, but it’s better than his pervious job as a mohel.

5. Fashion retailer J. Crew announced that longtime CEO Millard Drexler will no longer serve in that capacity. He was reportedly given a paisley slip.

6. On Monday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that President Trump “doesn’t care what you call” his proposed travel ban. Which is funny, because he seems to get really upset when courts call it “unconstitutional”:

7. Authorities have concluded that a Delta flight that landed at the wrong South Dakota airport last year, did so due to pilot error. But, to be fair, isn’t that how most people end up in South Dakota, by mistake.

8. On Tuesday, Ivanka Trump was spotted in the White House wearing a $35 dress from Target. “That seems out of place,” said people upon seeing Ivanka in the White House.

9. An 8-year-old girl’s soccer team was booted from a tournament in Nebraska after officials mistook her for a boy. Said the girl’s parents, “We are upset at the referee’s misjudgment, but thrilled that we don’t have to watch another soccer game.”

10. People are calling for the cancellation of a planned concert in Bosnia by a Croatian nationalist singer whose songs are offensive to Serbs and Muslim Bosniaks. Yet Nickelback is still allowed to tour even though their songs are offensive to people with ears.

February 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During yesterday’s White House press conference, press secretary Sean Spicer mistakenly referred to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as ‘Joe Trudeau.’ But, in Spicer’s defense, you try doing your job correctly and not getting flustered thinking about Justin Trudeau.

2. A new movie streaming service called Brown Sugar, which highlights so-called blaxploitation films, is now available for $3.99 a month. And, only $4.99 if you’re ‘The Man.’

3. It is being reported that First Lady Melania Trump wants to keep former First Lady Michelle Obama’s White House vegetable garden. “In fact, if Michelle wants to move back in and be the First Lady again, I’m cool with that too,” said Melania from New York.

4. It is being reported that First Lady Melania Trump wants to keep former First Lady Michelle Obama’s White House vegetable garden. Because, considering all the scandals and turmoil that have happened in Donald’s first three weeks of the presidency, it’s smart not to make wholesale changes when you’re just renting.

5. Jeffrey Sandusky, the son of convicted sex abuser and former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, has been arrested on child sexual abuse charges. Despite the charges, father Jerry still thinks the worst thing his son Jeffrey ever did was turn 9 and lose his looks.

6. New research suggests that couples who are both obese may have a harder time conceiving a child. Because it’s really hard to know where to put your dick when you haven’t seen it in years.

7. According to a new study, men may be at an increased risk for a fatal heart attack after a major snowstorm hits. This according to your husband as he hands you the snow-shovel.

8. On February 7, just two days after they won Super Bowl LI for their fifth title, the New England Patriots filed to trademark the phrase “Blitz for Six.” “That’s a great idea, what rhymes with one?” said the Cleveland Browns.

9. Last week, a baby in India was born with two penises. Said the doctor who cut the umbilical cord, “I felt like I was in one of those action movies, defusing the bomb, not knowing which wire to cut.”

10. On Monday, Disney cut ties with YouTube star PewDiePie after he posted a video with anti-Semitic imagery. He’s anti-Semitic and a YouTube star, which means he is over-qualified to be in Trump’s cabinet.

November 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, U2 rocker Bono was the first man ever to be included in ‘Glamour’ magazine’s Women of the Year list. A distinction that still somehow would have made more sense if it went to Chastity Bono.
 
2. On Wednesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump encouraged all early voters in Wisconsin who cast their ballot for Hillary Clinton but now have ‘buyer’s remorse’ to change their vote for him. Because if anyone understands buyer’s remorse, it’s Donald Trump:
trump-weddings

3. During a campaign speech yesterday in Pennsylvania, Melania Trump said that, “given the opportunity, women will advance and achieve.” Except, of course, for one very specific woman:
hill

4. The Fox Business Network reported on Thursday that Donald Trump wants his campaign finance chairman, Steven Mnuchin, to be his Treasury secretary if he wins next week’s presidential election. He also wants his personal chauffer to be Secretary of Transportation and his gardener to be Secretary of Agriculture.
 
5. The Harvard men’s soccer team will be suspended for the rest of their season after a review found the team continued to produce vulgar and explicit documents that rated women on their perceived sexual appeal and physical appearance. They may not be able to play soccer, but it’s good to know they can still run for president.

6. It was announced this week that Miss Piggy will collaborate with designer Kate Spade on a line of handbags. So far the reviews have not been great:
statler

7. A man clad in a Cookie Monster costume was stabbed Saturday night in New York City’s Times Square when he intervened in a fight between two men. So, apparently, ‘C’ is for ‘cut a bitch.’

8. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s quarter pounder and french fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. But, in the man’s defense, no one expects to make a late-night trip to McDonalds and then have their night somehow get worse.
 
9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored a 2012 novel entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. And, if you think that’s bad, you should see the cover:
trump-tower

10. This week, the world’s oldest woman, who is 117 years old, revealed that she eats two raw eggs every day. Of course she’s doing that to get in shape to fight Ivan Drago.
 
11. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a better way:
burning

12. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. So, needless to say, the sequel to ‘Sully’ is gonna be really weird.

13. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder and French fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. Said the man, “Okay, how man Chicken McNuggets to get out of this one?”
 
14. During an interview last week, Donald Trump criticized his opponent Hillary Clinton for taking time off from campaigning to go to an Adele concert. Which is very hypocritical because, as everyone knows, Donald is part of Taylor Swift’s squad:
squad

15. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said “sometimes I have to turn the TV on with a stick.” So, add ‘home electronics’ to the list of things about Mike Pence that are behind the times:
paper

16. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence referred to his running mate Donald Trump’s energy as “unique.” And God I hope that’s true, because it’s chilling to think there’s another person out there like him.

17. There are currently 75 pending lawsuits against Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. And there would be more, but you can’t sue on the basis of genetics:

18. Last week, a North Carolina woman, who bought a scratch-off ticket to teach her husband that buying lottery tickets is a waste of money, won $1 million. Said the husband, “I can’t wait to see how you’re gonna teach me that constantly asking for a threesome is a waste of my time.”

19. This week, a copy of the book “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” was returned to a New York library thirty-two years after it was checked out. Just in time for the rise of the Fourth Reich:
trump-salute

20. According to a new study, making sure kids have good muscle fitness might also benefit their school performance. Unless, of course, that school is Penn State.

October 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Vanilla Ice’s wife filed for divorce after nearly twenty years of marriage. Begging the question, what’s half of nothing?
 
2. During Thursday night’s Al Smith Dinner in New York, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump compared himself to Jesus, saying he too started out as a carpenter for his father. And, with any luck, the stories will end the same way too.

3. According to a new poll, parents would rather talk to their kids about sex than money. “Luckily, that’s just one conversation for me,” said Charlie Sheen.

4. The New Jersey Senate voted unanimously on Thursday to approve a bill requiring that the state’s student loan agency forgive the debts of borrowers who die. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Patterson, this is Edna from Rutgers’ student loan office. I have good news and bad news.”

5. A Tennessee man, banned from City Hall due to a restraining order, is running for mayor. “That’s it! If I become principal they’ll have to let me within 200 feet of a school,” said Jerry Sandusky.

6. Over the weekend, police determined an envelope of white powder sent to Hillary Clinton’s New York headquarters was not harmful. As opposed to the white power that consistently appears at Trump rallies.

7. On Friday, a singer knelt while performing the national anthem ahead of a Miami Heat preseason basketball game. “I wasn’t kneeling!” said Bruno Mars.

8. A Georgia teen who suffered a serious blow to the head during a soccer game, awoke from a coma speaking only Spanish. But, on the plus side, now that your kid refers to soccer as ‘futbol,’ you can pretend he plays a real sport.

9. Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Sunday the harsh exchanges in the presidential debates pointed to a lack of morality in America. Specifically, the part where they let a woman speak her mind part.

10. On Sunday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted that the Republican candidate is behind in the polls but added that’s only because Hillary “has some advantages.” Mainly, that her opponent keeps talking.

January 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Atlanta Falcons running-back Tevin Coleman suffered a concussion after slipping in the shower. “That’s why I always advocated a buddy system in the team showers,” said Jerry Sandusky.

2. British astronaut Tim Peake, who is stationed on the International Space Station in orbit above Earth, attempted to call home, but accidentally dialed the wrong number. Even worse, especially for the person on the other end of the line, he called collect.

3. Last week, Harlem Globetrotter great Meadowlark Lemon died at the age of 83. As per his request, he will be cremated, his ashes put in a bucket, secretly switched with a buck of water and thrown onto a lucky fan sitting courtside.

4. A South African lion named Brutus who fathered three “miracle” cubs despite having had a vasectomy in his youth is going back to the vet to have the operation a second time. As a result, zookeepers have changed Brutus’s named to Kevin Federlion.

5. Last week, a Dutch court decided that a woman who won a $2.3 million lottery during a divorce has no obligation to share it with her ex-husband. Said the husband, “I meant reconcilable.”

6. Amidst growing unrest, Mayor Rahm Emanuel outlined new efforts to better train and equip Chicago police officers, which included doubling the number of tasers given to officers. And in future news, Chicago police officers mistake tasers for real guns, and shoot each other.

7. Just days after being charged with sexual assault, embattled comedian Bill Cosby tweeted out “Friends and fans, thank You.” Although, I’m not sure he needed to pluralize those words.

8. According to a new study, even though poor health is a known cause of unhappiness, and bad lifestyle choices often follow bad moods, misery alone probably won’t kill you. So great news, the living-hell that is your life, it’s gonna last a real long time.

9. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning denied an Al-Jazeera report that he took human growth hormone, an illegal performance enhancing drug, saying he would never put anything harmful into his body. Although, not according to about a million Papa John’s commercials.

10. Al Jazeera says it had a second, “impeccably placed” source to back up the network’s recent assertion that human growth hormone shipments were provided to Peyton Manning’s home. That source, an anonymous man going by the alias “Bom Trady.”

June 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama made news over the weekend by using the n-word in a podcast while discussing race. Marking the first time FoxNews has ever supported Obama.

2. Over the weekend, a pregnant Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expected a baby boy. “Well, at least for now,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

3. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. If you close your eyes and take a sip, you’ll think you’re in Germany and no one was better at closing his eyes than Joe Paterno.

4. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. Before it goes on sale, the beer will be aged ten years, or, as former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky thinks of it, way too old.

5. Jake Broadbent, the actor best known for playing Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I,” was arrested in South Carolina for reckless driving. Authorities were alerted to Broadbent by an anonymous tipster who said, “All over the road he is.”

6. Planned Parenthood has launched a mobile app that lets users request home lab kits that test for two of the most commonly sexually transmitted diseases. Which beats the old way of getting diagnosed, Snapchatting a picture of your junk to the local clinic.

7. Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker unveiled a $27 million plan on Monday to decrease the state’s rising number of heroin and opium addicts. The way the plan works is Massachusetts uses that money to buy all the addicts one-way bus tickets to Rhode Island.

8. General Mills announced on Monday that it will stop using artificial coloring is its cereals. “Well, there goes my General Mills sponsorship deal,” said Rachel Dolezal.

9. A Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. So good luck in the legal process to the future Mrs. Charlie Sheen.

10. Last week, Texas schools decided to return deep fryers and soda machines to their school cafeterias. Students celebrated the decision, then quickly got winded and had to take a rest.

March 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. No arrests have been made, but authorities would like to talk to Walmart employee No Teeth Joe.

2. In a recent interview, Texas Senator Ted Cruz said, if elected president, he will do away with the Department of Education. Which is a pretty good idea because if Cruz is elected president it will prove that getting an education isn’t important.

3. A Penn State fraternity has been suspended after allegedly posting on Facebook compromising photos of women, including some who appeared to be asleep or passed out. That’s weird, I thought Bill Cosby went to Temple.

4. According to research, being unmarried and alone increases one’s chances of dying early by 30%. Unless, of course, you’re married to Robert Durst.

5. In the season premiere of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” Kim Kardashian said, in an effort to get pregnant again, she lays flat after sex to let things marinate. Kim lays flat on her bed, or, as she used to refer to it, work.

6. Yesterday, Secret Service Director Joseph Clancy asked the House Appropriations Committee for $8 million to build a replica of the White House to better train agents. Although, if an intruder has gotten into the White House, you’ve already failed. How about a replica of the fence?

7. The French government is on the verge of passing a bill that would ban excessively thin fashion models. “It is the right thing to do,” said French President Sir Mix-A-Lot.

8. According to a new poll, 69% of Americans are not interested in buying Apple’s new smart watch. Or, more likely, 69% of Americans were too busy with their iPhones to look up and answer a simple question.

9. Last week, an Oregon woman who set herself on fire while driving, crashed her car on an interstate and then jumped off a highway bridge to a park below, survived the whole ordeal. Police say she is either the luckiest or unluckiest woman in the world.

10. Mexico is searching for homes for at least 2,000 tigers, elephants, giraffes, zebras and other animals that will soon be banned from the country’s circuses. Said a few entrepreneurial Mexicans, “Do you have any donkeys?”

February 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study suggests that smoking may kill 60,000 to 120,000 more people in the U.S. each year than previously thought. After adjusting the numbers, cigarettes are now responsible for the second most deaths in the U.S. right behind Aaron Hernandez.

2. A new study finds, a year after being hospitalized seniors who enjoyed the arts were only half as likely to attend concerts, films or art exhibits as they had been 10 years earlier. Especially the ones that died in the hospital.

3. Indonesian officials have dropped a plan to require female students to pass virginity tests in order to graduate from high school and apologized after a pyblic backlash. Said officials, “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna let them graduate.”

4. According to a new survey, Pennsylvania residents overwhelmingly support restoring the Joe Paterno statue that once stood outside the football stadium on the Penn State campus. Because there really is no more fitting tribute to the man than something that is in the middle of all the action, sees everything, but is incapable of saying a single word.

5. The Florida cat that crawled out of its grave after a traffic accident is now ensnared in a legal dispute over custody involving its owners and the Humane Society of Tampa Bay. Said the cat, “That’s a tough choice, but I think I’ll go with the people who didn’t bury me alive.”

6. A man and a woman sleeping in a dumpster after a night of drinking at a Florida casino ended up at a hospital after they had to be rescued from a garbage truck. Because I guess that couple needed a little more assurance that they are indeed white trash.

7. A recent study claims that you can tell how many orgasms a woman has had by the way she walks. Which, I guess means Heather Mills is a real freak in the sheets.

8. Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn conceded on Wednesday that his approach to sex is rougher than most men, as he testified during his trial on aggravated pimping charges. Well, if that’s the case, I think he’s really gonna like jail.

9. Kenya has banned the film adaption of best-selling erotic novel “50 Shades of Grey” from its cinemas. Said Kenyan residents, “We don’t want to see an S&M movie, we live in Kenya, every day is torture.”

10. Kanye West will be hosting a special NBA All-Star Game performance today in Manhattan. Or, more accurately, Beck is scheduled to host a special NBA All-Star Game performance today in Manhattan and Kanye’s gonna be nearby.

September 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A glitch in the new John Madden NFL video game has accidentally created a player that is only one foot tall. Said Madden representatives, “That player isn’t one foot tall, he’s normal size, everyone else is on steroids and HGH.”

2. Earlier this week, Denver Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker was suspended for four games for testing positive for the party drug Molly. While Welker’s quarterback Peyton Manning tested positive for Geritol.

3. Now that he has been suspended from the NFL for the entire season, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon has taken a job with the Sarchione Auto Group in Ohio. “I’ll take whichever car has the most trunk space,” said fellow-suspended-NFLer Aaron Hernandez.

4. James Richardson, the former spokesperson for the Republican Party, came out as gay yesterday. Said Richardson, “You try being around Ted Cruz all day, every day. That man will turn you.”

5. An deadly albino cobra was captured Thursday after it escaped from its owner into the well-to-do streets of the Los Angeles suburb of Thousand Oaks. The last time Thousand Oaks was this upset about a snake coming into its neighborhood was when Kobe “the Black Mamba” Bryant tried to move in.

6. Long-running ABC talk show “the View” finalized its cast Wednesday, confirming that actress Rosie Perez will join Nicolle Wallace, Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell. In the past, it has been hard to understand what is being said when all the co-hosts talk at once, but now viewers will experience the same confusion just when Rosie Perez talks.

7. On Thursday, NBA commissioner Adam Silver said he believes expanded legalized sports betting in the U.S. is “inevitable,” and the league is open to participating in it. “I guess I was ahead of my time,” said Tim Donaghy.

8. An 18-year-old boy, identified only as D.F., is suing convicted sex offender Jerry Sandusky, claiming he was molested by the former football coach several times six years ago. Said Sandusky, “I used to love it when they piled on, but not like this.”

9. The Walt Disney Company is asking the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to refuse a trademark by electronic music star Deadmau5, who wears a LED-light powered, big-eared mouse head during concerts. And yet, somehow, Will Smith has been able to work in Hollywood for the past 20 years undisturbed.

10. NASA says a newly discovered asteroid will pass “very close” to Earth on Sunday. It’s passing Earth on Sunday and you’re just now discovering it? Step up your game NASA.

11. In a 55-minute long video, al Qaeda announced that it will launch a new branch in India. Said al Qaeda, “You know, it’s really just a numbers game.”

12. Actress Scarlet Johansson gave birth to her first child, a baby girl, on Thursday. The baby was reportedly delivered via C-section, so now she really is ScarJo.

13. Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin outlined plans for a ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. Putin said he will stop bombing eastern Ukraine, but I think that’s only because he’s now referring to it as western Russia.

14. On Tuesday, conservative political commentator Glenn Beck used part of his radio show to declare that if Hillary Clinton decides to run in 2016 she will be the next president. Then Beck used the rest of his show to drink and cry into the microphone.

15. A new smartphone app helps blind people navigate public transit in the Seattle area. Or, for free, you can get a really long stick.

16. Venezuela has lashed out at “Legends,” a U.S. TV show, for an episode that mentions Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in connection with the buying of chemical weapons to quell unrest at home. Said Venezuela, “Don’t give him any ideas.”

17. On Friday, the first ever Denny’s restaurant in Manhattan opened its doors. Said Manhattanites, “Finally, I’m able to experience all the ambiance of a high calorie, greasy diner filled with seamy locals who have given up on their dreams without having to go all the way to New Jersey.”

18. On Friday, the frontrunner in the Texas race for Governor, Republican Greg Abbott, pulled out of the only statewide televised debate. But, judging from past results, it doesn’t look like Texas voters put much stock in a candidate’s debating-abilities anyway.

19. A moratorium on U.S. adult sex film productions were lifted on Friday just 24 hours after a performer’s initial HIV test results proved to be a false positive. Which is ironic because failing tests is how most performers ended up in this business to begin with.

20. A new study shows mothers who give birth in areas with higher concentrations of African-Americans are less likely to be educated on breastfeeding in maternity wards than mothers in other communities. The most common misconception, where chocolate milk comes from.