Tag Archives: Stedman Graham

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

September 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin took a shot at President Trump saying, “it’s difficult to have a dialogue with someone who confuses Austria with Australia.” So when the two get together they usually just spoon:

2. Professional golfer Lee Slattery recently revealed that he had to watch the birth of his second child on FaceTime. Even worse, he also used FaceTime to watch the conception.

3. This week, President Trump said Hurricane Irma “looks like it could be something that will be not good.” But, on the plus side,it sounds like those flashcards are finally paying off:

4. It was announced this week that two hundred Gap and Banana Republic stores will be closing. “They really are coming after our heritage,” said white people.

5. The special counsel investigating potential ties between Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and Russia has obtained a draft of a letter that explains reasons why Trump planned to fire former FBI Director James Comey. Here’s a look at it:

6. Earlier this week, an Australian man celebrated his 30th birthday by skydiving naked while playing a violin. “My bad,” said the inventor of the parachute.

7. A cafeteria worker at a school in Florida allegedly had sex with a teenage student in the school’s kitchen. But, don’t worry, they wore protection:

8. A tea company in China has launched that is aimed at depressed Chinese millennials with beverage options ranging from “achieved-absolutely-nothing black tea”, and “my-ex’s-life-is-better-than-mine fruit tea”. Or, if you’re really feeling bad about yourself, Mountain Dew.

9. On Sunday, Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Mush took to Twitter warning that World War 3 will be brought about by artificial intelligence. But, on the plus-side, that means WW3 won’t be caused by no intelligence:

10. According to new research, during the Bronze Age, women traveled the world while men stayed at home. “So, exactly the same as today,” said Stedman.

11. A computer is being developed that rates how much pain someone is in by detecting small changes in their facial expressions. The highest rating so far was achieved at an 11:30 screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’

12. According to a report, when he dies, actor Nicolas Cage wants to be buried in a pyramid-shaped tomb. Because why should death prevent him from continuing to appear in embarrassing things:

13. Amazon on Tuesday launched Brown Sugar, a new subscription-video-on-demand service featuring what it calls the biggest collection of the “baddest” African-American movies for its prime members. “That’s bullshit, I have the market cornered on bad African-American movies,” said Tyler Perry.

14. Model Kendall Jenner and Los Angeles Clipper All-Star Blake Griffin are reportedly dating. So, I guess that settles it, Blake Griffin is black.

15. This week, a school district in Georgia apologized after a teacher banned her students from wearing Donald Trump shirts in class. That crazy story again, students in Georgia are apparently wearing shirts to school now. What’s next? Shoes?

16. Authorities seized seven live sharks and three dead ones from a pool in the basement of a New York home. Authorities suspect foul play and have a few suspects:

17. In an upcoming interview with ’60 Minutes,’ former White House strategist Steve Bannon said the media image of him is “pretty accurate.” Begging the question, he knows the media image of him is a guy who sucks his own dick, right?

18. This week, the wife of President Trump’s ethic lawyer was arrested for having sex in a car with a 23-year-old inmate. Or, as the Trump administration is trying to spin it, she was involved in prison reform.

19. A man addicted to plastic surgery claims a botched nose job left him with a permanent erection. Which, after all the botox, is the only way people know if he is happy to see them.

20. This week, the Rochester Institute of Technology gave a freshman orientation presentation that suggested masturbation as a deterrent to sexual assault. “If that’s the case, I think I have enough credits to be a senior,” said every teenage boy in the audience.

March 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new report, the tooth fairy left a record $290 million dollars under pillows last year. No one has spent that much money in bed since Charlie Sheen.

2. During a recent interview, Oprah said she is thinking about running for president in 2020. And she does have a lot of things in common with our current president, for instance, they both hosted popular tv shows, they both have never held government office and they both get annoyed when black people stay in their places rent free:
stedman

3. For the first time in its 130-year history, the Harvard Law Review elected a black woman as president. They broke the news to Attorney General Jeff Session by saying, “Harvard has elected a woman as president of Law Review, and it get’s worse.”

4. Scientists have discovered a way to grow human tissue on apples. Although the process isn’t pretty:
american-pie

5. A group of Parisians, uninspired by the French presidential candidates, have collected over 43,000 signatures calling for Barack Obama to run. Said Barack, “I know I have that French birth certificate lying around here somewhere.”

6. The NFL plans to put microchips in all footballs starting next year. And, in unrelated news, the Patriots have announced the hiring of a new ball boy:
hackers

7. President Trump on Tuesday reaffirmed support for the United State’s longstanding security alliances around the world but insisted their allies must “pay their fair share of the costs.” That story again, a man who hasn’t paid taxes in 20 years is whining about others not paying their fair share.

8. Researchers at the University of Alberta released a new study detailing the urine levels in swimming pools. Experts called the report “eye-opening,” while President Trump called it “mouth-opening.”

9. A Florida man is accused of stealing the identity of the drummer of the rock band Nickelback and using it to purchase $25,000 in music equipment. Authorities became suspicious when the man openly and proudly admitted to being a member of Nickelback.

10. A man in Maine is claiming that he saw an image of Jesus on a piece of buttered toast. So, yeah, Maine is exactly as exciting as you always thought it was.

August 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to wildlife experts, orangutans face complete extinction within the next ten years. And, even sooner if Eric and Don Jr. improve their aim:
trump hunting

2. Experts are predicting, in the not-too-distant future, robots will become criminals and cops will be powerless to stop them. Unless, of course, they paint the robots black.

3. According to a new study, being the male breadwinner of a household may be detrimental to that man’s psychological well-being and overall physical health. And, in a related story, Stedman feels great.

4. The state of Oregon has collected $25.5 million in marijuana taxes since the beginning of the year. Now, if they could just remember where they put it.

5. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has repeatedly suggested that Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is hiding a mental illness. Although, the point seems less credible coming from a red-faced lunatic screaming at the top of his lungs:
giuliani

6. Los Angeles police are investigating a break-in at the famous Brady Bunch house. The last time that house saw such an unwelcomed visitor, cousin Oliver was moving in.

7. During a Little League World Series game, ESPN cameras caught a coach stopping by the pitcher’s mound to tell his son he loves him. Although, I bet he’d be singing a different tune if his kid were a catcher.

8. Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway told interviewers that she does not believe that Trump hurls personal insults. Said Conway, “He nicknamed both Marco Rubio and Michael Bloomberg ‘little’, he called two people by the same name, that’s not personal.”

9. Actor Jonah Hill snorted so much fake cocaine during the filming of “The Wolf of Wall Street” he ended up in the hospital. Although, if you told me there was an actor who OD’d on powder sugar, he would have been my first guess.

10. Scientists are developing an edible form of packaging which they hope will preserve food more effectively than plastic film. “Wait, those Twinkie wrappers weren’t edible before?” said Chris Christie.

January 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” The new flavor will be made with whole milk because Bernie doesn’t like the 1%.

2. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld announced that he will be selling ten percent of his car collection at an upcoming auction. Michael Richards vowed to do the same until he was informed that it’s impossible to sell 1/10th of a 1997 Chevy Malibu.

3. According to a new study, zebras stripes are not used for camouflage. “Shhh, don’t tell them,” said lions.

4. In a recent interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband Barack didn’t become serious about his education until his second year of college. Said former-President George W. Bush, “It’s pronounced ‘collage.’”

5. On Tuesday, Oprah Winfrey posted a message on Twitter saying she has already lost 26 pounds on Weight Watchers and looks forward to losing more unwanted, dead weight. “So, I should pack my bags?” said Stedman.

6. Yesterday, rapper B.o.B took to Twitter to insist that the world is flat. Proving that it’s not that difficult to rhyme words to a beat.

7. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he would like to appear in an episode of ‘Homeland.’ Bill Clinton panned the choice saying it proves he doesn’t have the decision-making ability it takes to be president since ‘Girls’ is still on the air.

8. According to the latest poll, Bernie Sanders is beating Hillary Clinton 47% to 46% in Iowa. Although, I’d be suspicious of those numbers since it means Martin O’Malley somehow has 7%.

9. University of Missouri quarterback Maty Mauk was suspended Monday as the school investigates a video of the QB allegedly snorting cocaine. Which explains why Mauk was always able to pull off a two-minute drill in well under a minute.

10. Authorities in California are looking for thieves who stole over 50 pounds of bull semen. And so is the bull, but for a very different reason.

March 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, dentists may be able to screen patients for diabetes while cleaning their teeth. The way it works is if you’re too fat to fit into the chair for the cleaning, you have diabetes.

2. An amputee athlete training to compete in next year’s Paralympic Games had his $30,000 prosthetic running leg stolen from his car in San Francisco on Thursday. Man, that guy is awful at keeping his leg.

3. According to a new study, men are programmed to want more than one woman, even when in monogamous relationships. Especially when the woman in that monogamous relationship has such hot friends.

4. A Japanese company is reportedly developing a wine for cats. “Look who’s no longer drinking alone,” said single women in their 40s.

5. A Texas man was caught trying to smuggle a two-foot long sword into a jail where his son is being held by hiding it in a cane. Asked why he chose a cane, the man, who was walking very gingerly, said he needed it after the first place he tried to smuggle the sword proved unsuccessful.

6. A recent poll shows that about two-thirds of Americans believe men are generally paid more than women. While the remaining one-third is Stedman.

7. According to a new study, going to sleep early can help stave off mental illness. And, in an unrelated story, Ted Cruz is an insomniac.

8. Retired brain surgeon and potential 2016 presidential candidate Ben Carson caused a stir when he said that prisoners who become gay when they are locked up prove that being gay is a choice. So, from now on, when a task is particularly difficult maybe we should just compare it to rocket science.

9. A Las Vegas hospital accidentally sent twin miscarried fetuses wrapped in linen to a commercial laundry facility on Tuesday. But that’ll happen when you put the laundry bin that close to the trash bin.

10. Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has agreed to give a TED talk later this month. “Who the fuck is this Ted guy?” said Bill.

11. Over the weekend, Jeb Bush told an audience that he is not familiar with the ways of Washington, despite being related to two presidents. “Really? Which two?” said W.

12. Last week in Pittsburgh, a woman was arrested for driving drunk on her way to an orgy. So scratch off “I’m late to my orgy” from your list of excuses to get out of a ticket.

13. In a recent interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the new Apple Watch will eventually replace car keys. “That’ll make life a lot simpler,” said car thieves.

14. With a possible players strike or lockout on the horizon, Major League Soccer on Friday fined Real Salt Lake owner Dell Loy Hansen for making public comments about the ongoing negotiations with the players’ union. Luckily, since he was talking about professional soccer in America, no one was paying any attention.

15. About 15 rare pieces of art were stolen on Sunday morning from the Chinese museum of the Chateau de Fontainebleau, southeast of Paris. “Why do you think we built a wall?” said China.

November 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Oprah revealed her annual list of her “Favorite Things.” And, for the tenth year in a row, the list did not include Stedman.

2. A yet-to be-named new international, multi-sport event, featuring games including flag football, skateboarding and jet ski races, may be added to the global sports calendar in 2017. I’m not sure what they will end of calling it, but I’m positive it will be sponsored by Axe Body Spray.

3. On Tuesday, Washington D.C. voted to legalize recreational marijuana use. “Now I really want Hillary to win,” said Bill.

4. The Miami Herald reported on Wednesday that Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to using PEDs in an interview with DEA agents back in January. Proving that A-Rod is completely capable of shooting himself in the football even if it’s not October.

5. Roger Freeman, an incumbent Democratic state representative in Washington decisively won re-election on Wednesday despite the fact that he’s dead. Said his challenger, Jack Dovey, “This is bullshit, I won all those debates.”

6. Roger Freeman, an incumbent Democratic state representative in Washington decisively won re-election on Wednesday despite the fact that he’s dead. “Wait, that was an option?” said President Obama.

7. On Tuesday, voters in Oregon and Alaska approved measures to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. So get ready for a contact high, Washington.

8. Programmers in Palo Alto have discovered a new malware that attacks Apple desktops, iPhones and mobile operating systems. “We’ve been called worse,” said Bono.

9. According to Forbes magazine, Beyonce is the highest paid woman in music in 2014, earning an estimated $115 million this year. “That’s weird, I thought she was having money problems because the phone number I have for her says it’s been disconnected,” said Kelly Rowland.

10. A Connecticut man accused of snatching his DWI test results and attempting to eat them was charged with obstruction of justice this week. Said the man, “I wasn’t trying to obstruct justice, I’ve just always been told it’s good to eat something if you’re trying to sober up.”

July 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new national poll, Barack Obama tops the list of the worst presidents since World War II. Said President Obama, “I have a foolproof plan to get out of that top spot, and that plan is Joe Biden for President.”

2. Fabien Cousteau, grandson of famed oceanographer Jacques Cousteau, emerged from the Atlantic Ocean on Wednesday, after a record-breaking 31-day stay underwater. “I told you we should have broken his kneecaps instead,” said the mafia.

3. Actress Lindsay Lohan is suing the makers of the “Grand Theft Auto V” video game, claiming it used her likeness without her permission. So I’m guessing there’s a scene in the game where two trains collide.

4. More people in the U.S. tuned in to the U.S.-Belgium World Cup soccer match on Tuesday than did for the 2013 World Series. “That’s adorable,” said the NFL.

5. Vandals broke into a Maryland petting zoo this week and painted graffiti on a pig. Either that, or Charlotte has graduated to tagging.

6. On Wednesday, Mitt Romney returned to New Hampshire to endorse Republican Scott Brown’s U.S. Senate bid. Said Romney, “When I look at Scott Brown, it’s like looking in a mirror. In fact, when I look at anyone in New Hampshire …”

7. According to a new study, eating dark chocolate may help older people with mobility issues move around with more ease. Which means, as they get older, it’s going to get harder and harder to physically keep up with the Kardashians.

8. A new study found, young adults who exercised vigorously before bed ended up getting better sleep than their peers who reported less strenuous evening activity. “I beg to differ,” said Oscar Pistorius.

9. According to a new study, going for regular walks may improve symptoms among people with Parkinson’s disease. The only downside, they usually end up unintentionally hailing multiple cabs along the way.

10. According to Forbes, Beyonce is the most influential person in the world. “It’s gonna be a couple of tough weeks around the house,” said Stedman.

11. According to a new guideline from a group of internal medicine doctors, most women should not get routine pelvic exams. “There’s no harm in being extra-careful,” said Paris Hilton.

12. Yesterday, a California man and his dog dug up a human skull, remains that anthropologists believe may have been part of an ancient ritualistic ceremony. Said the dog, “So maybe from now on I’ll sit when I want to sit.”

January 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. As a result of a harsh winter storm, students in Georgia and Alabama were forced to spend the night in their schools because parents were not able to navigate the icy roads to pick them up. Look, I’ve met my fair share of people from Georgia and Alabama, and a few extra days in school isn’t gonna hurt them.

2. The retired jersey of Cavalier legend Austin Carr was stolen from the Quicken Loans Arena, where the Cavs play, sometime over the past few days. Has anyone checked the rafters of Miami’s American Airlines Arena?

3. The weather forecast for Sunday’s Super Bowl in New Jersey is getting better by the day, with no hint of snow in sight. Although, since Michael Irvin will be covering the game for the NFL Network, you can never rule of white powder making an appearance.

4. On Wednesday, the Phoenix Coyotes announced that they will change their name to the Arizona Coyotes at the start of the next NHL season in a bid to attract more fans. If you’re looking for more fans may I suggest changing your name to the Montreal Coyotes.

5. Canadian pop star Justin Bieber appeared at a Toronto police station on Wednesday after reports that he would be charged with assault stemming from an incident in December. So now seems like the perfect time to start work on that U.S.-Canada border fence.

6. Yesterday was Oprah’s 60th birthday and, to celebrate, a small party was held where she was the guest of honor and everyone catered to her every need. Or, as Stedman refers to it, a normal day in the life of Oprah.

7. According to new statistics, white people will soon become the minority in California. “Don’t look at me, I did my part,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

8. Outspoken actor Alec Baldwin took to Twitter on Monday to slam the TSA after he said his 5-month-old daughter was selected for a pat down. Said Baldwin, “I’m her father, I’m the one who’s supposed to demean the rude, thoughtless little pig.”

9. According to a new study, children who are overweight when they start school are far more likely to be obese by the time they become teenagers. So the solution to our weight problem is obvious, stop letting those fatties go to school.

10. Dozens of couples married live, on-air during Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’s performance at the Grammy Awards Sunday night. No one objected to any of the marriages, but many people objected to Macklemore in general.

Monologue Jokes – August 12, 2013

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1. On Friday, President Barrack Obama described Vladimir Putin as a “bored kid in the back of the classroom.” Then Joe Biden hit President Obama with a spitball.

2. More than 3 million Time Warner Cable customers in New York, Los Angeles and Dallas were blocked from watching golf’s PGA Championship over the weekend due to the cable company’s ongoing battle with CBS. Spoiler alert for all those customers, either a white guy or Tiger Woods won.

3. According to a tech blog, Apple is expected to unveil its newly redesigned iPhone in September. “Redesigned? It still comes in white right?” said Paula Deen.

4. According to his publicist, singer Chris Brown suffered a seizure early Friday morning, thus restoring my faith in God.

5. Male skinny-dippers in Scandinavia are being warned to avoid the Pacu, a fish infamous for biting men’s testicles. Finally, a place that Lance Armstrong won’t feel persecuted.

6. According to a new study, overweight and obese children are more likely to be diagnosed with asthma. Doctors made this diagnosis when the kids were winded after walking from the waiting room to the examination room.

7. Researchers opened a centuries-old Florence tomb on Friday searching for the remains of the woman whose enigmatic smile Leonardo da Vinci immortalized in his “Mona Lisa” painting. “Good luck, I’ve been trying to track down that bitch for years.” said da Vinci’s wife.

8. The Syfy channel revealed that the name of the Sharknado sequel will be “Sharknado 2: The Second One.” The writers arrived at the name the same way they wrote the first script, by using whatever idea came to their mind first.

9. Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey says she experienced racism when a store clerk refused to show her a very expensive purse, claiming it was “too expensive” for her. Looks like Oprah’s gonna need to find another place to keep Stedman’s balls.

10. The owner of the luxury goods store in Zurich denied that racism was involved when Oprah was discouraged from buying a $38,000 handbag. Said the owner, “I didn’t discourage her because she’s black, I discouraged her because spending $38,000 on a handbag is idiotic.”