March 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, dentists may be able to screen patients for diabetes while cleaning their teeth. The way it works is if you’re too fat to fit into the chair for the cleaning, you have diabetes.

2. An amputee athlete training to compete in next year’s Paralympic Games had his $30,000 prosthetic running leg stolen from his car in San Francisco on Thursday. Man, that guy is awful at keeping his leg.

3. According to a new study, men are programmed to want more than one woman, even when in monogamous relationships. Especially when the woman in that monogamous relationship has such hot friends.

4. A Japanese company is reportedly developing a wine for cats. “Look who’s no longer drinking alone,” said single women in their 40s.

5. A Texas man was caught trying to smuggle a two-foot long sword into a jail where his son is being held by hiding it in a cane. Asked why he chose a cane, the man, who was walking very gingerly, said he needed it after the first place he tried to smuggle the sword proved unsuccessful.

6. A recent poll shows that about two-thirds of Americans believe men are generally paid more than women. While the remaining one-third is Stedman.

7. According to a new study, going to sleep early can help stave off mental illness. And, in an unrelated story, Ted Cruz is an insomniac.

8. Retired brain surgeon and potential 2016 presidential candidate Ben Carson caused a stir when he said that prisoners who become gay when they are locked up prove that being gay is a choice. So, from now on, when a task is particularly difficult maybe we should just compare it to rocket science.

9. A Las Vegas hospital accidentally sent twin miscarried fetuses wrapped in linen to a commercial laundry facility on Tuesday. But that’ll happen when you put the laundry bin that close to the trash bin.

10. Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has agreed to give a TED talk later this month. “Who the fuck is this Ted guy?” said Bill.

11. Over the weekend, Jeb Bush told an audience that he is not familiar with the ways of Washington, despite being related to two presidents. “Really? Which two?” said W.

12. Last week in Pittsburgh, a woman was arrested for driving drunk on her way to an orgy. So scratch off “I’m late to my orgy” from your list of excuses to get out of a ticket.

13. In a recent interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the new Apple Watch will eventually replace car keys. “That’ll make life a lot simpler,” said car thieves.

14. With a possible players strike or lockout on the horizon, Major League Soccer on Friday fined Real Salt Lake owner Dell Loy Hansen for making public comments about the ongoing negotiations with the players’ union. Luckily, since he was talking about professional soccer in America, no one was paying any attention.

15. About 15 rare pieces of art were stolen on Sunday morning from the Chinese museum of the Chateau de Fontainebleau, southeast of Paris. “Why do you think we built a wall?” said China.

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