Tag Archives: MLS

March 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, dentists may be able to screen patients for diabetes while cleaning their teeth. The way it works is if you’re too fat to fit into the chair for the cleaning, you have diabetes.

2. An amputee athlete training to compete in next year’s Paralympic Games had his $30,000 prosthetic running leg stolen from his car in San Francisco on Thursday. Man, that guy is awful at keeping his leg.

3. According to a new study, men are programmed to want more than one woman, even when in monogamous relationships. Especially when the woman in that monogamous relationship has such hot friends.

4. A Japanese company is reportedly developing a wine for cats. “Look who’s no longer drinking alone,” said single women in their 40s.

5. A Texas man was caught trying to smuggle a two-foot long sword into a jail where his son is being held by hiding it in a cane. Asked why he chose a cane, the man, who was walking very gingerly, said he needed it after the first place he tried to smuggle the sword proved unsuccessful.

6. A recent poll shows that about two-thirds of Americans believe men are generally paid more than women. While the remaining one-third is Stedman.

7. According to a new study, going to sleep early can help stave off mental illness. And, in an unrelated story, Ted Cruz is an insomniac.

8. Retired brain surgeon and potential 2016 presidential candidate Ben Carson caused a stir when he said that prisoners who become gay when they are locked up prove that being gay is a choice. So, from now on, when a task is particularly difficult maybe we should just compare it to rocket science.

9. A Las Vegas hospital accidentally sent twin miscarried fetuses wrapped in linen to a commercial laundry facility on Tuesday. But that’ll happen when you put the laundry bin that close to the trash bin.

10. Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky has agreed to give a TED talk later this month. “Who the fuck is this Ted guy?” said Bill.

11. Over the weekend, Jeb Bush told an audience that he is not familiar with the ways of Washington, despite being related to two presidents. “Really? Which two?” said W.

12. Last week in Pittsburgh, a woman was arrested for driving drunk on her way to an orgy. So scratch off “I’m late to my orgy” from your list of excuses to get out of a ticket.

13. In a recent interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook said the new Apple Watch will eventually replace car keys. “That’ll make life a lot simpler,” said car thieves.

14. With a possible players strike or lockout on the horizon, Major League Soccer on Friday fined Real Salt Lake owner Dell Loy Hansen for making public comments about the ongoing negotiations with the players’ union. Luckily, since he was talking about professional soccer in America, no one was paying any attention.

15. About 15 rare pieces of art were stolen on Sunday morning from the Chinese museum of the Chateau de Fontainebleau, southeast of Paris. “Why do you think we built a wall?” said China.

December 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to the White House, President Obama underwent a routine CT scan Saturday afternoon while visiting Walter Reed Medical Center because of a sore throat. Ironically, the procedure wasn’t covered by his insurance.

2. William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived in New York City on Sunday for a three-day visit. So let me be the first to welcome the Royal Couple to the city by saying “Watch where you’re going and don’t block the sidewalk, you fucking tourists.”

3. A love letter written by Joe DiMaggio to his one-time wife Marilyn Monroe sold for more than $78,000 at auction over the weekend. The one penned by Lou Gehrig sold for significantly less since it was pretty much illegible.

4. A love letter written by Joe DiMaggio to his one-time wife Marilyn Monroe sold for more than $78,000 at auction over the weekend. Proving that romantic gestures by sports greats only increase in value over time, so hang onto those Favre dick pics, ladies.

5. A documentary entitled “Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of” will be released theatrically on January 30 and on demand the weekend of the Super Bowl. Because, odds are, if you’re a fan of the Backstreet Boys, that weekend is open.

6. Six men held for more than a decade at the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, were flown to Uruguay for resettlement on Sunday. “Wait, what?” said Uruguay.

7. Thousands of mourners gathered in downtown Washington on Saturday to bid farewell to former mayor Marion Barry. There wasn’t a dry, non-bloodshot eye in the house, for various reasons.

8. The LA Galaxy won a record fifth Major League Soccer title with a 2-1 victory over the New England Revolution during Sunday’s MLS Cup. Said U.S. soccer fans, “We exist?”

9. Comedian Bill Cosby’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was vandalized on Friday with the word “rapist” written over it. Actually, it had been there for 40 years, but apparently no one noticed until recently.

10. A small but growing number of Arabs are moving into Jewish settlements on occupied land in Israel. Said the Arabs, “They were right, it is a little drafty in here.”

December 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Willie Nelson is the latest act to cancel a concert at Orlando’s SeaWorld in the wake of the animal abuse documentary “Blackfish.” But, there’s still a good chance that Willie forgets and shows up anyway.

2. Researchers say they have observed alligators using sticks to lure in prey in the wild. No word on whether gators prefer “Come Sail Away” or “Mr. Roboto.”

3. Pope Francis ordered the formation of a team to address the sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church, his first major steps towards tackle the crisis that has plagued it for two decades. Although, now that it’s two decades old, I have a feeling the priests are gonna lose interest in it anway.

4. On Monday, North Korea announced the dismissal of Jang Song Thaek, the uncle of leader Kim Jong Un, for what it described as a string of criminal acts including corruption, womanizing and drug abuse. And, somewhere in the world, Rob Ford crosses off “North Korea” on his list of places to visit.

5. Six men suspected of stealing dangerous radioactive cargo from a truck outside Mexico City earlier this week, have been treated at a local hospital for signs of radiation as they remain under police guard. But, it’s not all bad news, as a result of the exposure, we now have six new superheros: the Glowing-Green Mexican, His-Panic, the Gardener, El Hombre Muy Enferma, Dora the Sheer Horror and Leukemia Man.

6. On Friday, U.S. health regulators approved a new drug injection that treats a condition that causes a curvature of the penis called Peyronie’s disease. “Great, now if I get it fixed will you change the name?” said Tim Peyronie.

7. Sporting Kansas City won its second MLS Cup in dramatic fashion on Saturday, beating Real Salt Lake 7-6 in a penalty shootout. Kansas City will hold the victory parade never, because it’s soccer and no one cares.

8. NBC’s telecast of the musical “The Sound of Music” last week garnered an impressive 18.5 million viewers. Former American Idol winner Carrie Underwood’s performance as Maria received mixed reviews, but everyone agreed fellow A.I. alum Ruben Studdard nailed his role as the Alps.

9. Walt Disney has bought the rights to any future “Indiana Jones” films under an agreement with Paramount Pictures. Reportedly they have already begun work on the next film, “Indiana Jones and Temple of Room-atoid Arthritis.”

10. Republican Senator Rand Paul said on Sunday he is giving serious thought to a run for the presidency in 2016. “That’s great sir, but this is a Radio Shack and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” said the only other person in the room.

November 25, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Serial killer Charles Manson, who is in jail for life, is set to marry his 25-year-old girlfriend. Word of advice, maybe skip the “til death do you part line,” let’s not give him any ideas.

2. Irene McCormack Jackson, the one-time communications director for now-disgraced former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, wants $1.5 million in damages for being subjected to the offensive behavior that led to his resignation. Filner said he would be happy to pay as long as he can do so in person, in singles, as “Pour Some Sugar On Me” plays in the background.

3. Twitter said it has implemented a security technology that makes it harder to spy on its users and called on other internet firms to do so as well. “Good, I don’t want people knowing everything that I’m doing,” said no Twitter users.

4. According to a new study, frequent Tylenol use in pregnant mothers may be linked to poorer language and behavior problems among their children. Especially if those expectant mothers use a jack and coke to wash the pills down.

5. A new study suggests, older men who spend several hours walking each day are less likely to have a stroke than their peers who rarely walk. Although, if you live in Detriot, it’s still much better for your health to stay indoors at all times.

6. Sporting KC beat the Houston Dynamo 2-1 on Saturday to win the Eastern Conference title and punch their ticket to the Major League Soccer Cup final. Or, as the typical American sports fans things of it, “Shhhh, the NFL is on.”

7. A Yemeni wedding ended in disaster after a guest firing celebratory shots in the air with his AK-47 accidentally killed two men while they were dancing to the pop hit “Gangnam Style.” Unfortunately, neither was of the men was Psy.

8. A Yemeni wedding ended in disaster after a guest firing celebratory shots in the air with his AK-47 accidentally killed two men while they were dancing to the pop hit “Gangnam Style.” But I don’t know what you expected when you invited George Zimmerman to your wedding.

9. A Yemeni wedding ended in disaster after a guest firing celebratory shots in the air with his AK-47 accidentally killed two men while they were dancing to the pop hit “Gangnam Style.” I don’t know much about the two men, but it sounds like it was justifiable hmoicide.

10. After centuries buried beneath the Vatican, the bones of a man long believed to be St. Peter are on display for the first time in a roped-off zone in St. Peter’s Square. Although, if an Italian priest invites you to “the bone zone,” you should probably turn it down just to be safe.