10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the U.S. of meddling outside its jurisdiction in response to the FBI probe and arrest of several FIFA officials. Said Putin, “If you want to meddle outside your jurisdiction, first invade it and make it your jurisdiction.”

2. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Not to be confused with Gokul Venkatachalam of Kentucky and Venya Shivanshankar of Arkansas.

3. German Chancellor Angela Merkel topped the Forbes list of the world’s 100 most powerful women for the fifth year in a row. Coming in last, Angela Merkel’s stylist.

4. Three-term Arizona Democratic Congresswoman Ann Kirkpatrick said on Tuesday she will seek to oust Republican John McCain from his U.S. Senate seat in 2016. “Not if I beat you to it,” said Father Time.

5. Four advertisers pulled out of TLC’s reality show “19 Kids and Counting” after reports that the eldest Duggar son, Josh, molested underaged girls. Said Mr. and Mrs. Duggar, “What does ‘pulled out’ mean?”

6. Amid a tough restructuring plan, Malaysian Airlines is set to layoff approximately 6,000 employees. Or, as it was reported to those employees, congratulations you won a free flight on Malaysian Airlines.

7. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. “That’s actually from the three of us,” said Wesley Snipes.

8. Over the weekend, actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen announced that they will not reprise their roles in the upcoming “Full House” reboot. To replace them producers will use two scarecrows with frowns.

9. A 65-year-old German grandmother gave birth to quadruplets at a Berlin hospital last week. The grandmother says she plans on breast-feeding, so, hope you like powdered milk, kids.

10. U.S. cable network TLC said on Friday it has pulled all episodes of “19 Kids and Counting,”its top-rated reality television show featuring a large Christian family, after reports surfaced that the eldest son had molested underage girls as a teen. “Ew, gross, Christians,” said Woody Allen.

May 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. That’s outrageous, that’s, at best, a Sasha offer.

2. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. “You could do a lot worse than a lawyer born in Kenya,” said Michelle.

3. A California auction house is selling an early racist drawing by Dr. Seuss for $20,000. But, in the famed author’s defense, there are only so many words that rhyme with ‘bigger.’

4. Yesterday, a molestation claim made by choreographer Wade Robson against Michael Jackson was dismissed. So Michael Jackson’s sterling reputation remains intact.

5. On Thursday, while giving a speech at the U.N., former President Bill Clinton said the CDC told him he was “officially Ebola-free” after a recent trip to Liberia. But they’re still waiting on the reports to determine which STDs Liberia caught from Bill.

6. Yesterday, it was announced that FIFA 16, the latest installment of the world’s most popular soccer video game, will feature women’s teams for the first time ever. Because the people in charge of PR for that game have the worst timing ever.

7. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the U.S. of meddling outside its jurisdiction in response to the FBI probe and arrest of several FIFA officials. Said Putin, “If you want to meddle outside your jurisdiction, first invade it and make it your jurisdiction.”

8. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Which is ironic, because when I typed their names into my computer for this joke, my spell-check exploded.

9. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Not to be confused with Gokul Venkatachalam of Kentucky and Venya Shivanshankar of Arkansas.

10. Real estate mogul and potential 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump said he will make a major announcement on June 16. But, up until then, since he is still a private citizen, Trump hopes the media respects his wishes and covers him non-stop.

11. The Maryland “free-range” parents have been cleared of child neglect charges related to an incident in December in which their children, ages 6 and 10, were allowed to walk home alone from a playground over a mile away from their house. “Slow down! Now, where are these ‘free-range’ kids?” said Jerry Sandusky.

12. 73-year-old presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is selling a bumper sticker that reads “Honk for a political revolution.” And, then in smaller print, “Or if I left my left blinker is on again.”

13. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. Scientists determined this by looking up the definition of the word ‘exercise.’

14. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. So, great news, that old guy in the gym locker room who refuses to cover up, he’s gonna be around for a long time.

15. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. The couple is surviving by some pretty pissed off people.

16. WalMart is urging its meat suppliers to reduce their use of antibiotics. Said WalMart customers, “We’re already eating meat we bought at a WalMart, so really what’s the difference?”

17. The Dutch government on Friday agreed to introduce a ban on the wearing of the full-face veil, popular among Islamic women, in public places. Except for you Karen, you can keep wearing it.

May 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the U.S. Department of Justice indicted nine high-ranking FIFA soccer officials on federal corruption charges. Proving if America can’t be the best at something it will just find another way to win.

2. German Chancellor Angela Merkel topped the Forbes list of the world’s 100 most powerful women for the fifth year in a row. Coming in last, Angela Merkel’s stylist.

3. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans support President Obama’s new trade deals. That story again, a majority of Americans will answer a poll on a subject they know absolutely nothing about.

4. Wearable fitness training device maker Fitbit is being sued by rival Jawbone for allegedly stealing confidential information. But, if I know that industry, I bet at first Jawbone will be really excited about the lawsuit, then lose interest and, in about a year, find it under a bunch of junk in a drawer.

5. Apple says it has found a bug that causes iPhones to crash. Oh Apple, trying to make a phone call isn’t ‘a bug.’

6. California scientists are testing whether the illegal psychoactive drug known as Ecstasy could kelp alleviate anxiety for patients near death. So far it’s just led to a lot of confusion among terminal ill patients who go towards the light only to discover that it’s yet another glow-stick.

7. A Florida community college under fire for allowing female sonography students to perform vaginal probes on one another as part of their class instruction said it will cease the practice. So now, if you want to vaginally probe a community college student, you’ll have to go to a strip club like the rest of us.

8. The Merriam-Webster dictionary has added a slew of new words recently including ‘emoji,’ ‘clickbait’ and ‘meme.’ As a result, it has also amended the definition of the word ‘dictionary’ to “a useless collection of nonsense.”

9. Yesterday, Nebraska became the first conservative state to outlaw the death penalty in 40 years. The state legislature did away with capital punishment after realizing they had a penalty much worse than death at their disposal, forcing criminals to live the rest of their lives in Nebraska.

10. According to a new study, babies who live at high altitudes may be more susceptible to sudden infant death syndrome. Which may explain why Casey Anthony just bought a house on top of Mount Everest.

May 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Three-term Arizona Democratic Congresswoman Ann Kirkpatrick said on Tuesday she will seek to oust Republican John McCain from his U.S. Senate seat in 2016. “Not if I beat you to it,” said Father Time.

2. Four advertisers pulled out of TLC’s reality show “19 Kids and Counting” after reports that the eldest Duggar son, Josh, molested underaged girls. Said Mr. and Mrs. Duggar, “What does ‘pulled out’ mean?”

3. Amid a tough restructuring plan, Malaysian Airlines is set to layoff approximately 6,000 employees. Or, as it was reported to those employees, congratulations you won a free flight on Malaysian Airlines.

4. A “sophisticated” organized crime syndicate used the IRS website to steal personal financial information from over 100,000 taxpayers. But, joke’s on you, I didn’t file my taxes this year.

5. On Monday, Hillary Clinton launched her online campaign store which sells many items, including a throw pillow that reads “A Woman’s Place is in the White House” on the front. Of course, the back of pillow says, “Unless You Used to be the CEO of HP.”

6. The Cleveland police department has agreed to train officers to minimize racial bias under a deal struck with the Department of Justice after a pattern of abuses was detailed in a report last year. The new training seminar is entitled, “Have you considered shooting a Mexican?”

7. According to a new study, waiting to cut the umbilical cord after birth is tied to better the child having motor and social skills later in life. Or, as it is more commonly known, having a Jewish mother.

8. Jeb Bush hit back against President Obama’s claim that climate change runs an immediate risk, saying last week that while it shouldn’t be ignored, it’s still not “the highest priority.” And, as everyone knows, we should always wait to act on something until it is the highest priority, or, as it is more commonly known, too late.

9. In a recent interview, Pope Francis said he hasn’t watched tv in decades. Said the Pope, “Once Fonzie jumped that shark, I was out.”

10. Starting June 1st, people will be able to buy domain names ending in “dot porn.” Because some enterprising young go-getter looked at the internet and thought “it needs more porn.”

May 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. “That’s actually from the three of us,” said Wesley Snipes.

2. Over the weekend, actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen announced that they will not reprise their roles in the upcoming “Full House” reboot. To replace them producers will use two scarecrows with frowns.

3. According to an annual report, the Vatican bank earned more than $76 million in 2014. It would have been more, but child rape lawyers are expensive.

4. After his first round victory at the French Open on Sunday, Roger Federer was angry when a security breach allowed a fan to walk onto center court and attempt to take a picture with the 17-time grand slam champion. “Oh, a selfie, poor you,” said Monica Seles.

5. According to reports, future Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant said that next season will be his last with the Los Angeles Lakers. This comes just five years after most Lakers fans made the same decision.

6. Chelsea Clinton has written a children’s book. Experts see it s a very early reach-out to likely voters for Chelsea’s expected presidential run in 2036.

7. A 65-year-old German grandmother gave birth to quadruplets at a Berlin hospital last week. The grandmother says she plans on breast-feeding, so, hope you like powdered milk, kids.

8. The Florida Bar is sending its first ever delegation of lawyers to Cuba this week to explore emerging new business opportunities. Said the lawyers, “Hey, wait, these tickets are only one-way.”

9. U.S. cable network TLC said on Friday it has pulled all episodes of “19 Kids and Counting,”its top-rated reality television show featuring a large Christian family, after reports surfaced that the eldest son had molested underage girls as a teen. “Ew, gross, Christians,” said Woody Allen.

10. Time Warner Cable is on the verge of a $55 billion merger deal with Charter Communications, which would combine the second and third largest U.S. cable companies. Time Warner decided, instead of improving their service, they would just merge with all their competitors leaving customers with no other options.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A Taco Bell in Chicago will reportedly start selling alcohol. It’s all part of that store’s plan to make it harder to determine which part of the meal gave you the shits.

2. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has reversed course and now says he no longer supports a pathway to citizenship for undocumented aliens. And people around Christie new he was reversing his position because they heard a loud beeping noise.

3. An Australian man has been ordered to undergo counseling after he was convicted of having sex with a pony for the second time. Even weirder, it’s couples counseling.

4. The International Gay Rodeo was held in Arkansas last month. Which is either a giant step forward in tolerance in a historically conservative Bible-belt state or a pretty insensitive way to round-up all the gays.

5. A Chinese businessman has reportedly spent $8 million to hire a Japanese porn star to be his personal assistant for the next fifteen years. Funny story about the first time he asked her to ‘take a dictation.’

6. A U.S. appeals court ruled on Monday that Google does not have to remove an anti-Islam film from its YouTube website because a woman complained that she was duped into performing in the film that depicted the Prophet Mohammed as a pedophile. I feel bad for the actress and even worse for the courtroom sketch artist when Mohammed took the stand.

7. The World Bank said on Monday that one in seven people around the world live without electricity. Which isn’t all bad news, because at least those people don’t have to deal with Time Warner.

8. A resort in Mexico has opened the world’s first underwater bar. “Second,” said the ghosts of Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne.

9. A blind pole vaulter earned third place in the Texas state high school championships over the weekend. And, it’s even more impressive when you hear that she did the leap with her guide dog.

10. Xavier Bettel, Luxembourg’s prime minister married his civil partner on Friday, becoming the first serving leader in the European Union to wed someone of the same sex. Your move, Merkel.

May 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor George Clooney said when he proposed to his wife Amal he was down on his knees for 28 minutes. But that’s only because he left his Life Alert bracelet at home.

2. Former New England Patriot and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez showed up in court on Thursday sporting a new neck tattoo that was just visible above his shirt collar. Man, that guy it terrible at covering things up.

3. Li Hejun, the chairman of solar panel firm Hanergy lost $15 billion on Wednesday when his company underperformed and saw its stock price plummet by 47%. Which I assume is the same feeling the owner of the New York Jets has every Sunday.

4. Twelve of thirty people who worked on Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina’s failed 2010 California Senate campaign said they would not work for her again because they weren’t paid for more than four years. “Not paying the debts you owe, sounds like she’ll make a great president,” said China.

5. Cleveland’s LeBron James, Golden State’s Stephen Curry and Houston’s James Harden were among the the players selected to the All-NBA team on Thursday. And, in other news, the Knicks are also a team.

6. An Arizona woman was sentenced to 3 1/2 years in prison on Thursday for running over her husband with the family car because he failed to vote in the 2012 presidential election. “Well, there goes another one of my supporters,” said Ted Cruz.

7. German police detained a 25-year-old prostitute for keeping a three-week-old lamb as a pet in a Munich brothel. She reportedly kept the lamb to make the place smell better.

8. The Girl Scouts of America reaffirmed their position that transgender girls are welcome to join the organization. So, just a heads up, that may not be a sleeve of thin mints in that girl scout’s front pocket.

9. Former Tennessee Titan Ryan Mouton claims he once had an on-field exchange with Aaron Hernandez that resulted in the then-New England patriot tight end threatening to kill him. Mouton said he didn’t take the threat seriously because he knew Hernandez wouldn’t be able to find the time to do so since he was busy murdering so many other people.

10. Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said last week that “men who father children with many different women are sexual predators.” “And potential VP candidates,” said John Edwards.

11. A Taco Bell in Chicago will reportedly start selling alcohol. It’s all part of that store’s plan to make it harder to determine which part of the meal gave you the shits.

12. A 12-pound package of marijuana washed up on a North Caroline beach last week. That story again, there are a bunch of narcs living near the beach in North Carolina.

13. A new app lets cannabis users looking for someone to share a joint with find like-minded smokers around the world. “Thanks!” said cops.

14. Last week, potential 2010 presidential candidate Jeb Bush criticized Hillary Clinton by saying, “You can’t script your way into the presidency.” Adding, “You have to be born into it.”

May 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has reversed course and now says he no longer supports a pathway to citizenship for undocumented aliens. And people around Christie new he was reversing his position because they heard a loud beeping noise.

2. New reports show, while the Apple Watch retails for $349 and up, it costs just $84 to make. Which breaks down to $84 for parts and $0 for labor.

3. An Australian man has been ordered to undergo counseling after he was convicted of having sex with a pony for the second time. Even weirder, it’s couples counseling.

4. The first debate among Republicans seeking their party’s 2016 presidential nomination is scheduled for August 6th in Cleveland, but will only be open to candidates who have placed in the top 10 of recent national polls. But, on the plus-side, if you don’t make the cut, you don’t have to go to Cleveland.

5. According to a new study, the rate at which infants are suffering from opiate withdrawal upon birth is on the rise. Well that’s a simple fix, give those kids some opium.

6. The International Gay Rodeo was held in Arkansas last month. Which is either a giant step forward in tolerance in a historically conservative Bible-belt state or a pretty insensitive way to round-up all the gays.

7. Police in Washington state said on Wednesday they had responded to an emergency call about a Bengal tiger lounging on top of a car, but it turned out the cat was actually a big stuffed animal. “Oh, so sometimes people do call the authorities when an animal is on a car roof!?!” said Mitt Romney’s dog.

8. A British concert pianist whose autobiography was banned, will now be allowed to publish the book after the Supreme Court overturned the ban on Wednesday. So now you can finally experience all the excitement of being a concert pianist in book-form.

9. Texas Governor Rick Perry said, knowing what he knows now, he never would have invaded Iraq. Especially, since before, Perry was confusing Iraq with Ikea.

10. A sushi restaurant in Los Angeles has been put on probation and fined $15,000 for serving whale meat. Even more disgusting for their L.A. clientele, it had gluten in it.

May 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Chinese businessman has reportedly spent $8 million to hire a Japanese porn star to be his personal assistant for the next fifteen years. Funny story about the first time he asked her to ‘take a dictation.’

2. According to reports, 250,000 Americans are married to people who are their second cousins or closer. But, on the plus side, there’s no need for a family dog since all their kids have tails.

3. Bristol Palin has called off her wedding to 2011 Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer less than a week before the big day. Proving that quitting on things mid-stream runs in the family.

4. A surprising number of small companies around the world are vying to be the first to bring flying cars to the market, targeting the year 2017. Which means, in just two years, you may here the phrase, “It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s a Nissan Altima.”

5. On Tuesday, FIFA chief Sepp Blatter proposed a peace soccer match between Palestine and Israel. Because if there’s on thing soccer fans are known for it’s their level headedness.

6. A new survey found that Washington D.C. is the fittest city in the United States. The least fit city, wherever Chris Christie is campaigning that day.

7. Brain-eating amoebas have been discovered in the tap water of the city of New Orleans. Say what you will, but you gotta give it up to water for finding new and creative ways to kill the people of New Orleans.

8. 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is heavily courting the millennial vote. Which explains why she recently opened up a Facebook account and immediately changed her relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”

9. Last week, the stock price of Netflix rose to over $600 per share. Which is just $575 more than what it costs to open a Blockbuster franchise today.

10. Google will begin testing self-driving cars on public roads, but, despite previous reports, those cars will have steering wheels and brakes. Or, as Billy Joel refers to them, add-ons.

May 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Retired tennis player Bob Hewitt was sentenced to six years in a South African prison on Monday after being convicted on charges of sexual assault and rape. “Ew, gross, tennis,” said Bill Cosby.

2. Clothing company Under Armor is apologizing and pulling from store shelves a t-shirt that depicts basketball players raising a hoop in the style of the famous photo of Marines lifting the American flag during the battle of Iwo Jima. Which means, once again, the most offensive piece of clothing you can buy is any Ed Hardy shirt.

3. A source close to John Kasich said on Sunday that the Ohio governor is “very likely” to run for president in 2016. The source chose to remain anonymous as that will be the theme of Kasich’s campaign.

4. On Saturday, Syracuse freshman Justyn Knight captured the ACC title in the 1,500 meter race despite finishing the race with just one shoe. Running a race with one shoe or, as it’s referred to in Kenya, a luxury.

5. A U.S. appeals court ruled on Monday that Google does not have to remove an anti-Islam film from its YouTube website because a woman complained that she was duped into performing in the film that depicted the Prophet Mohammed as a pedophile. I feel bad for the actress and even worse for the courtroom sketch artist when Mohammed took the stand.

6. The World Bank said on Monday that one in seven people around the world live without electricity. Which isn’t all bad news, because at least those people don’t have to deal with Time Warner.

7. A resort in Mexico has opened the world’s first underwater bar. “Second,” said the ghosts of Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne.

8. On Monday, President Obama officially joined Twitter selecting the handle @POTUS. A moniker that was already registered, forcing the President to buy it from Hillary.

9. According to new research, obesity rates among children entering kindergarten in the U.S. have increased since 1998. Although that trend is expected to stop since at some point those kids will become too large to physically enter kindergarten.

10. At a commencement speech over the weekend, George W. Bush told college graduates that even C students can become president. Bush then clarified that he meant C, as in the letter, and not the Spanish word for ‘yes.’