Monthly Archives: June 2015

June 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, NBC cut ties with Donald Trump and his Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants in the wake of the billionaire’s controversial comments about Mexicans. Which is bad news for Trump and even worse news for the pageant contestants who already slept with him.

2. President Obama spoke with French President Francois Hollande on Monday about a possible bailout for debit-ridden Greece. “Not it!” said Obama and Hollande at the exact same time.

3. The Supreme Court on Monday found that a lethal injection drug used by Oklahoma does not violate the U.S. Constitution’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. “Any tips on how to make it crueler?” said Oklahoma.

4. Boxers Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao topped Forbes list of the world’s highest paid celebrities on Monday. The last time someone with that much head trauma was that high on the list, Rihanna was still dating Chris Brown.

5. Authorities in California are trying to determine why an unidentified woman has been dropping bags filled with the bodies of decapitated animal’s near railroad tracks in Sacramento. I’m gonna guess because PetCo has a pretty strict “No head, no returns” policy.

6. On Sunday, the English village of Swaton hosted the annual World Egg Throwing Championship. As you will remember, last years competition was held on Justin Bieber’s neighbor’s lawn.

7. Facebook’s stock rose 3% on Tuesday, making the company more valuable than WalMart. And the two companies have a lot in common, they both contain a lot of crap, you’re embarrassed if you’re browsing either one past midnight and, if you’re in the South, it’s a great place to see what your high school classmates are up to.

8. Turkmenistan celebrated President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov’s 58th birthday on Monday by opening a park in the capital of Ashgabat bearing his name. And, in related news, my computer’s spell check just exploded.

9. Live on air on Friday, CNN pointed out an ISIS flag at a gay pride parade which turned out to be a flag of dildos and butt plugs rendered in the style of an ISIS flag. Which is not surprising since CNN has mistaken real life human dildo Don Lemon for an anchorman for years.

10. Students attending a college in England have developed a smart condom that glows green if exposed to chlamydia. Said people with chlamydia, “What’s a condom?”

June 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In celebration of the Supreme Court’s historic same-sex marriage decision, ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s has introduced a new flavor entitled “I Dough, I Dough.” Because, now that you’re officially married, you can let yourself go.

2. The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that the U.S. Constitution provides same-sex couples the right to marry. Leaving guys who told their girlfriends they’ll get married when everyone can get married scrambling for a new excuse.

3. In his dissent on the Supreme Court’s decision legalizing same-sex marriage, Judge Antonin Scalia said if he had written the decision he “would hide his head in a bag.” Hopefully a plastic one.

4. Police in New York are looking for a man seen on the A train this past week masturbating into his own hat. Well, it’s his hat now.

5. Republican presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee urged Christian leaders to channel Martin Luther King, Jr. by resisting the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of same-sex marriage. Because as everyone knows, MLK was very anti-equal rights (you fucking moron).

6. A group of women’s rights activists in Europe are planning to fly a drone into Poland to deliver abortion pills. Which is basically the opposite of a stork.

7. Actor Ben Affleck is attached to a feature film that will focus on the recent corruption scandal in international soccer. So if you like soccer and Ben Affleck movies, you have terrible taste in things.

8. Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC’s “Tonight Show,” had surgery after injuring his hand forcing the cancellation of Friday’s taping. The surgery was reportedly serious, but per usual, Fallon inappropriately laughed through the whole thing.

9. Pope Francis has told the Bolivian government that he would like to chew coca leaves when he visits the country next month. Although we should have suspected the Pope was a coke head since he insists on wearing all white, drives around in a ‘look at me’ car and is always asking for donations.

10. Students attending a college in England have developed a smart condom that glows green if exposed to chlamydia. Because apparently those students don’t understand how traffic lights work.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

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1. In a show of support for Tom Brady, the Foxboro Country Club has replaced all the flags on their golf course with flags bearing the quarterback’s jersey number twelve. “Those flags are a disgusting reminder of decades of oppression and need to come down,” said Jets fans.

2. In an interview this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger called his divorce from Maria Schriver his “biggest failure.” Begging the question, has he seen “Junior” recently?

3. According to a published medical study, a woman was hospitalized for days after her skinny jeans caused her to lose feeling in her legs. Said the doctors, “Yeah, I don’t think the jeans were the cause, Mrs. Mills-McCartney.”

4. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Because, I’m guessing, “Dear God, please don’t make me choose” and “Fuck it, I’m moving to Canada” weren’t on the ballot.

5. Over the weekend, a pregnant Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expected a baby boy. “Well, at least for now,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

6. Jake Broadbent, the actor best known for playing Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I,” was arrested in South Carolina for reckless driving. Authorities were alerted to Broadbent by an anonymous tipster who said, “All over the road he is.”

7. Rachel Dolezal, the former president of Spokane’s chapter of the NAACP, is reportedly in talks to star in her own reality TV show. It will air on the BET? Network.

8. Rick Perry, the former Texas governor who is making a second run for the Republican presidential nomination next year, says he took away a major lesson from his failed 2012 bid: be prepared. As opposed to the more apt lesson he should have learned: America doesn’t want you to be president.

9. Over the weekend, a Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. Authorities became suspicious when her baby was snorting breast milk.

10. The Iowa Supreme Court has rejected a state rule requiring doctors to see abortions patients in person, ruling that Planned Parenthood may continue administering abortion-inducing medications using remote video technology. The use of remote technology is in line with Planned Parenthood’s motto “The less people in the womb, the better.”

June 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski said he is on Twitter under an alias so he can keep track of what his players are doing online. Which probably means Dick Vitale isn’t the only dick he sees regularly.

2. In a show of support for Tom Brady, the Foxboro Country Club has replaced all the flags on their golf course with flags bearing the quarterback’s jersey number twelve. “Those flags are a disgusting reminder of decades of oppression and need to come down,” said Jets fans.

3. Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant, an event owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s offensive remarks about Mexicans. Trump said the next step is to build a wall around the pageant so Univision can’t get back in.

4. Facebook said this week that it has developed a technology that can recognize and tag people’s faces in photos. “We’ll see about that,” said Rachel Dolezal.

5. The San Diego Zoo’s 150 year-old tortoise named Speed passed away last week. “Looks like I won the bet,” said Larry King.

6. Minneapolis, Minnesota was voted the best place to celebrate the Fourth of July. “Disagree,” said the dogs of Minneapolis.

7. A new study found that 1 out of 4 kids in the U.S. have been a passenger in a car with an adult driver who is either drunk or stoned. While 2 out of 2 of Brittney Spears’ kids have.

8. The New York City Department of Consumer affairs says it has discovered “systematic overcharging for pre-packaged foods” at the city’s Whole Foods stores. And, in other news, the sky is blue.

9. In an interview this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger called his divorce from Maria Schriver his “biggest failure.” Begging the question, has he seen “Junior” recently?

10. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said on Thursday he will announce the week of July 13 whether he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. It’s a real “will he or will he” situation.

11. According to sources, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will announce on Tuesday he is running for president. Because, just like when Christie goes swimming, it’s necessary to give the other swimmers a heads up before jumping into the pool.

12. According to a new study, as they age, teenage boys who spend too much time in front of the computer could develop weaker bones. Well, except for one.

13. Authorities have discovered DNA from fugitives Richard Matt and David Sweat in a cabin deep in the woods in Pennsylvania. Because there’s not a lot to do when you’re stuck in a cabin in the middle of the woods.

14. The Massachusetts man who invented the plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament died this week at the age of 79. Per his wishes, his body will be left on his front yard to rot.

15. According to a new poll by Suffolk University, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Which can only mean one thing, Donald Trump has bought Suffolk University.

16. Billionaire investor Carl Icahn has said no in response to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump floating his name for U.S. Treasury secretary. At least that’s what reporters think he said between fits of uncontrollable laugher.

June 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a published medical study, a woman was hospitalized for days after her skinny jeans caused her to lose feeling in her legs. Said the doctors, “Yeah, I don’t think the jeans were the cause, Mrs. Mills-McCartney.”

2. PBS announced on Wednesday that it will postpone the third season of “Finding Your Roots” following an internal review that concluded actor Ben Affleck improperly influenced the show to omit the fact that his ancestors owned slaves. Which is big news, because when PBS postpones one if its show, there’s a good chance their viewers may not “be around” by the time it airs.

3. Governor Scott Walker on Wednesday signed into law a bill repealing Wisconsin’s 48-hour waiting period for handgun purchases. Because, obviously, that whole thing down in South Carolina was just about a flag.

4. On Wednesday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced a new initiative under which more than 65,000 students in the city’s poorest-performing public schools will undergo vision screenings and, if needed, given a free pair of eyeglasses. Said de Blasio, “If we can’t actually make them smarter, we can make them look smarter.”

5. Dutch police will temporarily block the route of the Tour de France cycling race on July 5th to draw attention to their pay dispute with the Dutch government. Now comes the hard part, getting anyone to watch the Tour de France.

6. Actor Shia LaBeouf was treated for a head injury he suffered when a stunt went wrong during filming in North Dakota. Luckily, LaBeouf is one of those actors where you’re not gonna notice much of a difference after a head injury.

7. A German convenience store clerk used the hose of a vacuum cleaner to chase away two armed robbers demanding money late Wednesday night. But, the story makes a lot more sense when you find out the robbers were dogs.

8. President Obama made news by saying the n-word while discussing race relations on comedian Mark Maron’s podcast. Maron said he wasn’t surprised by the word since the guest on his last episode was fellow comedian Michael Richards.

9. On Monday, rapper Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Man, first he sampled people’s music, now he’s sampling Suge Knight’s life.

10. On Tuesday, Mississippi weighed in and voiced its disapproval over official displays of the Confederate flag. So congratulations to South Carolina for doing the previously unthinkable, making Mississippi the voice of progress.

June 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Twelve paintings by Adolf Hitler were recently sold at auction. “Hey, we gotta replace the flag with something,” said South Carolina.

2. The new world’s oldest person credits her longevity to not smoking, drinking or partying. In other words, be prepared for at least another 60 years of Mitt Romney.

3. Yesterday, traditional stores WalMart and Sears and internet retailers Amazon and eBay announced bans on the sale of Confederate flag merchandise. Said people who buy that merchandise, “What’s the internet?”

4. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Because, I’m guessing, “Dear God, please don’t make me choose” and “Fuck it, I’m moving to Canada” weren’t on the ballot.

5. On Tuesday, Virginia’s Governor said the state will phase out vehicle license plates featuring the Confederate battle flag. But, for those who still want to tell other motorists that they are insensitive, backwards-thinking, inbred, racists, may I suggest Truck Nutz.

6. According to a new study, weight loss surgery may help reduce urinary incontinence in extremely obese men. Because the first step in controlling your pee is being able to see the part of your body where it comes out.

7. According to a new poll, nearly a quarter of Americans lie to their dentists about flossing regularly. While the remaining 75% lie to pollsters.

8. On Tuesday, 3-on-3 basketball debuted at the European Games. “Two teammates, what a luxury,” said LeBron James.

9. The aging mother of Knut, the famous hand-raised polar bear who captured German hearts an the world’s attention, was put down at the Berlin Zoo on Tuesday because it said she was blind, deaf and suffering. But, on the plus-side, at least now Germany is giving reasons.

10. The Stonewall Inn, a New York City bar widely recognized as the birthplace of the U.S. gay rights movement, was granted historic landmark status by city officials on Tuesday. Making it the second landmark behind Alcatraz to have a glory-hole.

June 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. President Obama made news over the weekend by using the n-word in a podcast while discussing race. Marking the first time FoxNews has ever supported Obama.

2. Over the weekend, a pregnant Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expected a baby boy. “Well, at least for now,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

3. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. If you close your eyes and take a sip, you’ll think you’re in Germany and no one was better at closing his eyes than Joe Paterno.

4. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. Before it goes on sale, the beer will be aged ten years, or, as former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky thinks of it, way too old.

5. Jake Broadbent, the actor best known for playing Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I,” was arrested in South Carolina for reckless driving. Authorities were alerted to Broadbent by an anonymous tipster who said, “All over the road he is.”

6. Planned Parenthood has launched a mobile app that lets users request home lab kits that test for two of the most commonly sexually transmitted diseases. Which beats the old way of getting diagnosed, Snapchatting a picture of your junk to the local clinic.

7. Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker unveiled a $27 million plan on Monday to decrease the state’s rising number of heroin and opium addicts. The way the plan works is Massachusetts uses that money to buy all the addicts one-way bus tickets to Rhode Island.

8. General Mills announced on Monday that it will stop using artificial coloring is its cereals. “Well, there goes my General Mills sponsorship deal,” said Rachel Dolezal.

9. A Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. So good luck in the legal process to the future Mrs. Charlie Sheen.

10. Last week, Texas schools decided to return deep fryers and soda machines to their school cafeterias. Students celebrated the decision, then quickly got winded and had to take a rest.

June 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Rachel Dolezal, the former president of Spokane’s chapter of the NAACP, is reportedly in talks to star in her own reality TV show. It will air on the BET? Network.

2. Rick Perry, the former Texas governor who is making a second run for the Republican presidential nomination next year, says he took away a major lesson from his failed 2012 bid: be prepared. As opposed to the more apt lesson he should have learned: America doesn’t want you to be president.

3. Over the weekend, a Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. Authorities became suspicious when her baby was snorting breast milk.

4. British researchers have discovered around 8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in an ancient Egyptian burial ground. To see anything like that outside of Egypt, you’d have to travel all the way to Michael Vick’s backyard.

5. The Orem Owlz, a minor league baseball team in Utah, has cancelled an upcoming promotional night entitled “Caucasian Heritage Night.” Although, isn’t every gathering of people in Utah a celebration of caucasian heritage?

6. Actor Johnny Depp has put his 37-acre, south of France estate on the market for $25.76 million. But don’t worry if you don’t have that kind of money, you still get ripped off by Depp by buying a ticket to any one of his movies.

7. In an attempt to reach younger customers, McDonald’s has created a set of sponsored filters for Snapchat featuring a cheeseburger and fries and a purple heart bearing the company’s logo. Not to be outdone, the Burger King has signed up for Grindr.

8. Senator Lindsey Graham said we are due for a bachelor president. “Yeah, it’s been about 15 years since we had one,” said Bill Clinton.

9. The Iowa Supreme Court has rejected a state rule requiring doctors to see abortions patients in person, ruling that Planned Parenthood may continue administering abortion-inducing medications using remote video technology. The use of remote technology is in line with Planned Parenthood’s motto “The less people in the womb, the better.”

10. Last week, Delaware Governor Jack Markell signed into law a bill decriminalizing possession and private use of small amounts of marijuana. Because if you had to spend eternity next to New Jersey, you’d smoke too.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

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1. On Wednesday, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said a woman will be featured on a redesigned $10 bill by 2020. Which means, theres’s a chance, for the first time in over 20 years, Hillary may be on a Bill.

2. In a recent interview, former Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal said she doesn’t consider herself a con artist. Unless that’s some sort of new slang black people are now using, in that case, yes she does.

3. George Kirby, 103, and Doreen Luckie, 91, became the world’s oldest newlywed couple on Saturday. They are registered at Sponge Bath & Beyond.

4. George Kirby, 103, and Doreen Luckie, 91, became the world’s oldest newlywed couple on Saturday. Does the time they are living on count as their something borrowed?

5. The lead singer of Smash Mouth launched into an obscenity-laced tirade and threatened to punch a fan in the face after being pelted with bread while performing at a state fair in Colorado. That’s terrible, my heart goes out to the guy labeled a Smash Mouth fan.

6. Reports are emerging that the two prison escapees in upstate New York had a sexual relationship with prison worker Joyce Mitchell. Proving that every man, no matter the situation, will try to sneak away the morning after.

7. This week, Brooklyn hosted its annual smallest penis contest. It was really hard to tell if anyone was excited to be there.

8. Three astronauts returned to Earth last week from the International Space Station after spending more than 200 days in space. Which is a long time, but I can relate because I sat through all of “Interstellar.”

9. “Jurassic World” claimed the #1 spot in the box office over the weekend. The movie tells the tale of misfortune and disaster that results from bringing back a once extinct race … oh, no, sorry, that’s the story of Rick Perry’s 2016 presidential campaign.

10. Italian neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero unveiled his plans to perform the first human head transplant, saying he believes he has a 90% chance of success. Said Dr. Canavero, “‘Sucess” means ‘murder,’ right?”

June 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said a woman will be featured on a redesigned $10 bill by 2020. Which means, theres’s a chance, for the first time in over 20 years, Hillary may be on a Bill.

2. According to a new study, older mothers may have babies who grow up healthier and better educated than infants born to women in their twenties. “I always knew having baby in your twenties was a bad idea,” said the stars of MTV’s “16 & Pregnant.”

3. Jeralean Talley, the world’s oldest-known person, died yesterday in Michigan at the age of 116. Her family became concerned for her health when she turned to dust.

4. Africa’s richest man, Nigerian Aliko Dangote, announced on Thursday that he wants to buy English soccer team Arsenal. Begging the question, how many goats does it take to buy a soccer team?

5. Presidential hopeful Donald Trump recently said he has better hair than fellow candidate Marco Rubio. Which is a delusional thing to say, but not as delusional as the phrase “presidential hopeful Donald Trump.”

6. Urging people to take action on the issue of climate change, this week Pope Francis said, “the Earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.” And, keep in mind, the Pope said this without ever having set foot in Detroit.

7. Netflix announced this week that former “That 70’s Show” castmates Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson have signed on for new series entitled “the Ranch.” Kutcher will play an ex-ball player who returns home to help run the family farm and Masterson, I assume, will work on craft services.

8. According to a new study, artificial trans fats, found in most fast foods, may interfere with one’s memory. But, by the looks of most of the people in those fast food restaurants, they’re eating to forget anyway.

9. A man born without arms threw out a first pitch strike with his feet at a San Francisco Giants game on Monday. “Well, it’s worth a shot,” said the Phillies pitching staff.

10. The White House has been very tight-lipped about a “secret” party thrown over the weekend by the Obamas featuring over 500 guests and performances by Prince and Stevie Wonder. Although one unnamed source in attendance said it sounded, smelled, tasted and felt like a good time.

11. On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Dish Network who fired a Colorado employee who never missed a day of work because he smoked medical marijuana and failed a drug test even though pot is legal in the state. As opposed to Time Warner, who, from I can tell, go out of their way to solely employ people who are high.

12. A thirteen-year-old girl singing an Ed Sheeran song in a Canadian mall on Sunday got the surprise of her life when the pop star, who happened to be shopping nearby, jumped on stage and joined her for a duet. A similar thing happened when a teen sang “Mambo No. 5” and Lou Vega happened to be on his lunch break from Spencer’s Gifts.

13. Just off of a very busy offseason, which included naming Rex Ryan as their new head coach, the Buffalo Bills set a franchise record by selling more than 57,500 season tickets. But, to be fair, many of those tickets were bought by Ryan’s family members and, much like when they fly, they are required to buy two seats.

14. Comedic actors Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig are swapping jokes for melodrama in Lifetime’s upcoming TV movie “A Deadly Adoption.” “What’s the big deal, I’ve been making films without laughs for years,” said Rob Schneider.

15. According to a new study, more than half of the children and teens in the U.S. may not be properly hydrated. “That’s why I always suggested taking a shower,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Friday, it was announced that Yoko Ono will erect Sky Landing, her first permanent public art installation in America, in a park in Chicago next year. No word on whether Chicago knows anything about it.

17. Last week, presidential hopeful Rand Paul said if anyone’s mean to his wife during his campaign, they’ll have to answer to him. “But just if they’re mean to her, right?” said Bill Clinton.

18. In a recent interview, Bill Clinton praised the field of GOP presidential candidates saying, “they’ve got a lot of youth, they’ve got a lot of energy … and they’re no dummies.” Adding, “And, also, there’s Ben Carson.”

19. A firearm accidentally discharged during a weekend wedding at the Waldorf Astoria in New York. Said the bride, “I knew we shouldn’t have invited Plaxico.”

20. Tug of war, sumo wrestling, surfing and frisbee are among 26 new sports petitioning to be included in the 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo. Really Tokyo? Sumo wrestling? That’s like using the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta to introduce cousin fucking.