Tag Archives: U.S. Treasury

June 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski said he is on Twitter under an alias so he can keep track of what his players are doing online. Which probably means Dick Vitale isn’t the only dick he sees regularly.

2. In a show of support for Tom Brady, the Foxboro Country Club has replaced all the flags on their golf course with flags bearing the quarterback’s jersey number twelve. “Those flags are a disgusting reminder of decades of oppression and need to come down,” said Jets fans.

3. Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant, an event owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s offensive remarks about Mexicans. Trump said the next step is to build a wall around the pageant so Univision can’t get back in.

4. Facebook said this week that it has developed a technology that can recognize and tag people’s faces in photos. “We’ll see about that,” said Rachel Dolezal.

5. The San Diego Zoo’s 150 year-old tortoise named Speed passed away last week. “Looks like I won the bet,” said Larry King.

6. Minneapolis, Minnesota was voted the best place to celebrate the Fourth of July. “Disagree,” said the dogs of Minneapolis.

7. A new study found that 1 out of 4 kids in the U.S. have been a passenger in a car with an adult driver who is either drunk or stoned. While 2 out of 2 of Brittney Spears’ kids have.

8. The New York City Department of Consumer affairs says it has discovered “systematic overcharging for pre-packaged foods” at the city’s Whole Foods stores. And, in other news, the sky is blue.

9. In an interview this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger called his divorce from Maria Schriver his “biggest failure.” Begging the question, has he seen “Junior” recently?

10. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said on Thursday he will announce the week of July 13 whether he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. It’s a real “will he or will he” situation.

11. According to sources, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will announce on Tuesday he is running for president. Because, just like when Christie goes swimming, it’s necessary to give the other swimmers a heads up before jumping into the pool.

12. According to a new study, as they age, teenage boys who spend too much time in front of the computer could develop weaker bones. Well, except for one.

13. Authorities have discovered DNA from fugitives Richard Matt and David Sweat in a cabin deep in the woods in Pennsylvania. Because there’s not a lot to do when you’re stuck in a cabin in the middle of the woods.

14. The Massachusetts man who invented the plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament died this week at the age of 79. Per his wishes, his body will be left on his front yard to rot.

15. According to a new poll by Suffolk University, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Which can only mean one thing, Donald Trump has bought Suffolk University.

16. Billionaire investor Carl Icahn has said no in response to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump floating his name for U.S. Treasury secretary. At least that’s what reporters think he said between fits of uncontrollable laugher.

June 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said a woman will be featured on a redesigned $10 bill by 2020. Which means, theres’s a chance, for the first time in over 20 years, Hillary may be on a Bill.

2. According to a new study, older mothers may have babies who grow up healthier and better educated than infants born to women in their twenties. “I always knew having baby in your twenties was a bad idea,” said the stars of MTV’s “16 & Pregnant.”

3. Jeralean Talley, the world’s oldest-known person, died yesterday in Michigan at the age of 116. Her family became concerned for her health when she turned to dust.

4. Africa’s richest man, Nigerian Aliko Dangote, announced on Thursday that he wants to buy English soccer team Arsenal. Begging the question, how many goats does it take to buy a soccer team?

5. Presidential hopeful Donald Trump recently said he has better hair than fellow candidate Marco Rubio. Which is a delusional thing to say, but not as delusional as the phrase “presidential hopeful Donald Trump.”

6. Urging people to take action on the issue of climate change, this week Pope Francis said, “the Earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.” And, keep in mind, the Pope said this without ever having set foot in Detroit.

7. Netflix announced this week that former “That 70’s Show” castmates Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson have signed on for new series entitled “the Ranch.” Kutcher will play an ex-ball player who returns home to help run the family farm and Masterson, I assume, will work on craft services.

8. According to a new study, artificial trans fats, found in most fast foods, may interfere with one’s memory. But, by the looks of most of the people in those fast food restaurants, they’re eating to forget anyway.

9. A man born without arms threw out a first pitch strike with his feet at a San Francisco Giants game on Monday. “Well, it’s worth a shot,” said the Phillies pitching staff.

10. The White House has been very tight-lipped about a “secret” party thrown over the weekend by the Obamas featuring over 500 guests and performances by Prince and Stevie Wonder. Although one unnamed source in attendance said it sounded, smelled, tasted and felt like a good time.

11. On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Dish Network who fired a Colorado employee who never missed a day of work because he smoked medical marijuana and failed a drug test even though pot is legal in the state. As opposed to Time Warner, who, from I can tell, go out of their way to solely employ people who are high.

12. A thirteen-year-old girl singing an Ed Sheeran song in a Canadian mall on Sunday got the surprise of her life when the pop star, who happened to be shopping nearby, jumped on stage and joined her for a duet. A similar thing happened when a teen sang “Mambo No. 5” and Lou Vega happened to be on his lunch break from Spencer’s Gifts.

13. Just off of a very busy offseason, which included naming Rex Ryan as their new head coach, the Buffalo Bills set a franchise record by selling more than 57,500 season tickets. But, to be fair, many of those tickets were bought by Ryan’s family members and, much like when they fly, they are required to buy two seats.

14. Comedic actors Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig are swapping jokes for melodrama in Lifetime’s upcoming TV movie “A Deadly Adoption.” “What’s the big deal, I’ve been making films without laughs for years,” said Rob Schneider.

15. According to a new study, more than half of the children and teens in the U.S. may not be properly hydrated. “That’s why I always suggested taking a shower,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Friday, it was announced that Yoko Ono will erect Sky Landing, her first permanent public art installation in America, in a park in Chicago next year. No word on whether Chicago knows anything about it.

17. Last week, presidential hopeful Rand Paul said if anyone’s mean to his wife during his campaign, they’ll have to answer to him. “But just if they’re mean to her, right?” said Bill Clinton.

18. In a recent interview, Bill Clinton praised the field of GOP presidential candidates saying, “they’ve got a lot of youth, they’ve got a lot of energy … and they’re no dummies.” Adding, “And, also, there’s Ben Carson.”

19. A firearm accidentally discharged during a weekend wedding at the Waldorf Astoria in New York. Said the bride, “I knew we shouldn’t have invited Plaxico.”

20. Tug of war, sumo wrestling, surfing and frisbee are among 26 new sports petitioning to be included in the 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo. Really Tokyo? Sumo wrestling? That’s like using the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta to introduce cousin fucking.

October 4, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, Starbucks announced they will be offering a Braille gift card year-round. Which may explain why I saw a guy trying to use his Starbucks card at a Home Depot yesterday.

2. Israel said on Thursday it plans to run for a rotating seat on the U.N. Security Council for the first time ever in 2019. “2019? Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?” said all the countries surrounding Israel.

3. Yesterday, actress Michelle Rodriguez came out of the closet and announced that she is a bisexual. Which is surprising, because you’d think after all the time she’s spent around Vin Diesel during those Fast and Furious movies she’d be a full-blown lesbian.

4. A new study shows, most Americans with a sore throat are prescribed antibiotics even though only a fraction stands to benefit from them. “Tell me about it,” said Michael Douglas.

5. On Thursday, Mark Burnett, creator of “Survivor” and “The Voice” unveiled a partnership with Virgin Galactic for an NBC TV series that will send someone into space. “May I humbly suggest Jimmy Fallon,” said Jay Leno.

6. A Montana man who pieced together the remnants of five $100 bills eaten by his dog last year received a $500 check from the U.S. Treasury this week to replace the digested funds. The $500 should go a long way towards buying a new dog.

7. A Montana man who pieced together the remnants of five $100 bills eaten by his dog last year received a $500 check from the U.S. Treasury this week to replace the digested funds. And, in an unrelated story, my grandmother died last week, can I get some money too, Treasury?

8. Yesterday, a dramatic car chase through the streets of Washington D.C. put the U.S. Capitol building on lockdown. Once the threat was quelled, everyone was allowed to get back to not working.

9. On Thursday, Singer Sinead O’Connor penned an open letter to Miley Cyrus, telling the young pop singer to reign in her outrageous behavior and to stop being exploited. And when Sinead O’Connor talks, you listen, because you don’t want to end up like Sinead O’Connor.

10. After time to reflect, in a recent interview Mitt Romney attributed his lost last November to the Hispanic community not understanding his stance on immigration well enough. Good to see Romney has gotten over the loss and is back to doing what Republicans do best, blaming immigrants for the country’s problems.