Tag Archives: Chicago

December 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. A Florida woman who thought she was buying a baby bouncer from a local Goodwill as a baby shower present was surprised to find a loaded rifle in the box instead. But, since it was Florida, it was actually the fourth gun brought as a gift to that baby shower. 

2. Props from the sitcom “Friends” will be auctioned off next month for charity. The worthy charity that will receive those funds, people who worked on “Joey.”

3. In response to a growing trend, a gynecologist in the U.K. is warning women not to masturbate using electric toothbrushes. “But that’s the only way I’ll get any oral,” said DJ Khalid’s wife: 

4. A North Carolina woman is being accused of conspiring with her boyfriend to stage a robbery at the convenience store where she worked to get money for an engagement ring. “Yes, I’d like to report a crime,” said her commitment-phobic boyfriend calling in a tip to the cops. 

5. Delta Air Lines recently showed an edited version of the film “Booksmart” which cut out the movie’s lesbian sex scene.  Even worse, they showed the full, unedited version of “Aquaman.”

6. Joycelyn Savage, one of jailed rapper R. Kelly’s girlfriends, is now talking. Even more impressive, she took her first steps last week too!

7. A new study found semen on 30% of hotel room remote controls. While they found the other 70% literally everywhere else:

8. During a televised meeting at the White House last week, President Trump decried EPA water restrictions, saying, “People are flushing toilets ten times, fifteen times as opposed to once.” And, from the look of his diet, I think this is the rare occasion where he’s not lying: 

9. Last week, a New York judge denied Harvey Weinstein’s request to dismiss two predatory sexual assault charges. Now comes the really hard part for Weinstein, taking ‘no’ for an answer.

10. During Thursday’s halftime performance of the Thanksgiving matchup between the Chicago Bears and Detroit Lions, the power temporarily went out at Ford Field. Fans were disappointed by the interruption, but even more disappointed when the lights came back on and they were forced to watch the second half of the Lions game.

11. The Pussycat Dolls announced last week that they will embark on a reunion tour kicking off in Dublin next year. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get an ideas, Spice Girls.

12. According to a new study, an episode of the long-running television show Grey’s Anatomy increased public awareness about sexual assault and how to get help. Not to be outdone, ‘Mr. Belvedre’ raised awareness of the serious threat of sitting on your own balls.

13. North Korea recently announced that Kim Jong Un took a second horseback ride to a sacred mountain in less than a month. Man, that’s crazy, what’s it like to have a leader who takes part in some sort of physical activity?:

14. Former model Karen McDougal, who said she had an affair with President Trump, filed a defamation lawsuit Thursday against Fox News. Begging the question, can you really damage the reputation of someone who already publicly admittedly that she had sex with Donald Trump?

15. Last week, the New York Knicks fired head coach David Fizdale after the team’s record fell to 4-18. Or, more accurately, Fizdale served his time and an early release.

July 1, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. In a new interview, openly gay presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said statistically it’s “almost certain” the United States has already had a gay president. “I knew it!” said Dolly Madison.

2. In a new interview, openly gay presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said statistically it’s “almost certain” the united States has already had a gay president. Which explains the first draft of the Declaration of Independence which read, “All men are created equal, except for Chad, holy shit, God went above and beyond with him!”

3. A Texas school district has fired a teacher after she allegedly made pornographic films in classrooms outside of school hours. That story again, Trevor the class hamster has seen some shit:

4. President Trump held a rally in Orlando last week to officially launch his re-election campaign. So finally something has the potentially to replace the Challenger as the least successful Orlando launch. 

5. Iranian lawmakers chanted “Death to America” during a parliament session on Sunday after a speaker accused the United States of being the “real world terrorist.” And I think I speak for all Americans when I say, “How did you get your Congress to agree on something?” 

6. According to a new study, young men with a fast-food heavy diet have a lower sperm count than their healthier-eating counterparts. “Still more proof that that’s not my kid,” said Ronald McDonald:

7. This week, Cuba opened its first ever sex shop. Which explains the new rafts Cuban refugees have been using: 

8. Federal authorities seized over 16 tons of cocaine Tuesday from a large ship in Philadelphia. To give you a better sense of how much that it, this is what 16 tons of cocaine looks like:

9. Senator Amy Klobuchar unveiled on Tuesday a 137-point list of priorities she would address in her first 100 days in office if elected president. Number one on that list, opening an investigation into how Amy Klobuchar got elected president.

10. Authorities in the Dominican Republic say David Ortiz was not the intended target of the murder-for-hire plot that ended with the former Red Sox star being shot. In fact, the assassin had such bad aim he’s now pitching for the Mets.

11. President Trump said on Sunday that if he could have one “do-over,” it would be Jeff Sessions. And no one was more surprised by that answer than Eric Trump.

12. Sunday night, over the span of thirty-six minutes, two of the Flying Wallendas crossed Times Square by walking on a high wire 25-stories high. They would have made the crossing quicker, but they got stuck behind a family of four from Topeka, Kansas taking in the sights:

13. Bill Cosby filed an appeal of his sexual assault conviction, arguing that it was flawed because the testimony of five accusers was “strikingly dissimilar” to that of Andrea Constand. So, let me get this right, Bill Cosby’s defense is “that’s not how I do my rapes”?

14. According to a new United Nations report, India is set to overtake China as the world’s most populous country in less than a decade. “We’ll see,” said Pakistan.

15. This week, NBC ordered a new “Law and Order” spin-off entitled “Law and Order: Hate Crimes.” They went with that name because there was already a TV show called “The West Wing.”

16. The second debate among Democrats running for  president attracted 18.1 million television viewers across three networks. Which is just slightly more than the number of people on stage.

17. Last week, O.J. Simpson took to Twitter to deny allegations that Khloe Kardashian is the result of a love affair he had with Kris Kardashian. And the evidence is on his side, Khloe looks nothing like OJ and Kris is still alive. 

18. Britain’s Glastonbury Music Festival announced that only sandwiches in 100 percent compostable packaging will be sold at the five-day event. “Big deal, talk to us when you’re making the sandwiches out of that stuff,” said Arby’s. 

19. On Tuesday, breakdancing moved one step closer to being included in the 2024 Olympic Games. One very annoying, robotic step closer.

20. Eric Trump said Tuesday he was spit on by a female employee at a Chicago restaurant. “I’ll have what she’s having,” said everyone else in that restaurant.

March 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Thomas Panek, a blind runner, made history on Sunday by completing the 2019 New York City Half Marathon without any human help. Panek said the hardest part of running through New York City’s boroughs was his heightened sense of smell.

2. A blind runner, made history on Sunday by completing the 2019 New York City Half Marathon without any human help. Which is impressive until you find out he was trying to run the Chicago marathon.

3. New York governor Andrew Cuomo has endorsed a new two-strikes plan that would permanently ban people from the subway who are convicted of two sexual offenses on mass transit. Said the creepy guy on the G-train, “If I never put it away, that only counts as one strike, right?”

4. In a recent interview, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that it’s possible that God sent Trump to save the Jews. Ah, yes, much like God sent that flood to save Noah.

5. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report  was more positive than he had anticipated. It’s always a good sign when your own lawyer is like “Even I’m surprised they found you not guilty.” 

6. This week, Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin said he made sure his nine children were exposed to chickenpox and caught the disease instead of giving them a vaccine. Even worse, he used to have ten. 

7. This week, Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin said he made sure his nine children were exposed to chickenpox and caught the disease instead of giving them a vaccine. Not surprising that the guy with nine kids doesn’t like using protection. 

8. An albino pengiun made its debut appearance at a Polish zoo on Friday. Although, considering it’s a Polish zoo, there’s a good chance it’s just a fat dove.

9. According to new research, exposing cheese to round-the-clock music may give it more flavor. That story again, researchers have run out of things to study. 

10. A company in Japan has created a wearable milk tank shaped like a female breast in an effort to make it possible for men to breastfeed their children. So if you’re a new father looking for a way to bond with your baby, keep looking. 

11. During a speech this week, President Trump complained that he was not given a thank you for his handling of Senator John McCain’s funeral. But, in Trump’s defense, can you imagine how many people are going to say ‘thank you’ when Trump dies. 

12. 89-years ago this week, Colonel Sanders founded the first-ever Kentucky Fried Chicken store. Said President Trump to Melania, “Happy Anniversary!” 

13. On Friday, President Trump met with the leaders of the Bahamas, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Jamaica and Saint Lucia at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. Said Trump, “If you’re here, who’s mowing the lawn?”

14. Beto O’Rourke raised more than $6.1 million within the first 24 hours of announcing his candidacy for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. And, by the look of it, I’m guessing, it was mostly in singles:

15. A man stripped down to skimpy underwear and took a stroll through Moscow’s State Tretyakov Gallery on Wednesday evening in what it called an “unsanctioned performance.” That story again, apparently Shia LaBeouf is in Russia.

July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

August 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Yesterday, just ten days into his term as White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci was fired. Crazy to think that the most stable and secure job in this whole administration is as Trump’s wife.

2. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was spotted on a date Monday night with a mysterious blonde at Nobu. According to reports, the bill came to $570, no word on how much the dinner cost.

3. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ Joe Biden still wants to be president. “What a coincidence, looks like we’re gonna have an opening real soon,” said Bob Mueller.

4. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was caught on video confronting a fan at a Chicago Cubs fan while carrying a basket of nachos. Here’s the craziest part, Wrigley Field doesn’t even sell nachos. He brought those fuckers from home, those are road nachos:

5. On Monday, President Trump said his administration will “handle” North Korea. Which isn’t surprising, we all know how much Trump likes to brag about how he ‘handles’ things:

6. This week, the reigning MLB champion Chicago Cubs gave a personalized World Series ring to infamous Cubs fan Steve Bartman. And, if giving a championship ring to a notorious fan when the team wins becomes a trend, Spike Lee can expect to get a ring never.

7. After being fired as White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci had to be escorted off White House grounds by security yesterday. Scaramucci’s last officials words as communications director were “Hey, watch the suit.”

8. On Monday, the 2028 Summer Olympic Games were awarded to Los Angeles. So, great news Lakers fans, you’re only eleven years away from seeing watchable basketball again.

9. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. 1,100 days is a long time, or, as it is measured around the White House, six more chiefs of staff and 110 more communications directors.

10. ‘The New York Post’ is reporting that Macaulay Culkin and Paris Jackson got matching tattoos. The tattoos say “This is where Michael touched me.”

July 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. A sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005, sold at auction for $29,000 over the weekend. So, much like Hitler, appreciation for Trump’s artwork also came way too late:

2. A Chicago woman is suing Greyhound for allegedly losing her luggage, which contained her mother’s ashes, while on a trip to Washington last year. Even worse, her mom was alive when the got on the bus.

3. Researchers at Brown University believe that there may be water inside the moon. So now we can add ‘the moon’ the list of places more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

4. USC football coach Clay Helton said former Heisman Trophy winning running-back and school alum O.J. Simpson would not be welcome on campus after he is released from prison. Although if I know one thing about O.J., him not being welcomed is not gonna stop him from going places:

5. According to a new report, over the past fifteen years, department stores have lost more jobs than coal mines. And, in some instances, the work conditions at the stores are worse than in the mines:

6. Around thirty hot air balloons took to the skies in Italy on Saturday as part of what organizers refer to as the “most relaxed” event on the international ballooning calendar. Finally a day everyone can get away from the fast-paced, cutthroat, thrill-a-minute world of international ballooning, and just relax.

7. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un said his country’s latest missile launch proves that he is capable of striking anywhere in the United States. And, by the look of Detroit, he may have already done so.

8. The Rikers Island inmate who escaped the New York City jail complex on Wednesday spent most of his seven hours of freedom hiding in bushes. “I completely understand that,” said Sean Spicer:

9. ‘The Emoji Movie’ narrowly escaped a 0% rating, earning 3% approval on the movie rating website ‘Rotten Tomatoes.’ Getting 3% instead of 0% can only mean one thing, Johnny Depp is not in the movie.

10. The Russian Foreign Ministry said it would seize two U.S. diplomatic compounds in Russia in retaliation to new sanctions passed by Congress. Come on, haven’t the Russians already seized enough American houses?:

July 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. President Trump on Saturday promised $639 million in aid to feed people left starving because of conflict in Somalia, South Sudan, Nigeria and Yemen. Which, I assume he thinks are neighborhoods in Chicago.

2. Last week, an Oklahoma man proposed to his girlfriend as he was being arrested in his driveway on six felony warrants. Said the arresting officer, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. I’m not reading you your Miranda rights, I’m just telling you how marriage works.”

3. In a new interview, while speaking about his trip to Germany, President Trump said “It was a great G20. We had 20 countries.” Adding, “And I know that for sure, because I took off my shoes to count.”

4. Kid Rock announced on Wednesday that he is running for Senate in 2018. And though the race is still far away, we already now his opponent will be common sense.

5. A California man was caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to make a court appearance on a previous auto theft charge. Said his buddy in the passenger who was getting a lift to his murder trial, “Please don’t look in the trunk.”

6. United Airlines destroyed a passenger’s $42,000 custom wheelchair. Said United, “Or, maybe, just maybe, we provided that customer with the necessary motivation to finally walk again.”

7. While in Paris on Thursday, President Trump looked French First Lady Brigitte Macron up-and-down and said, “You’re in such good shape.” In response, Mrs. Macron looked Trump up-and-down and said, “Nice weather we’re having.”

8. This week, New Kids on the Block singer Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Said the employees of that Waffle House, “I think we’re paying Donnie too much.”

9. New York City cops busted a crazed woman who sprayed lighter fluid all over a Duane Reade in the Port Authority early Tuesday morning. Crazed? Really? I’m calling bullshit if you’ve ever been in the Port Authority and not felt the urge to burn that place to the ground.

10. A new study found that breast implants seem to provide some protection against gunshots, altering the speed and shape of bullets as they hit the body. Although, unfortunately, no protection against hepatitis C:

11. Kentucky Fried Chicken celebrated its 30th anniversary of operations in China by unveiling a limited edition smartphone. Which means the Samsung Galaxy that unexpectedly bursts into flames is now the second worst cellphone for your health.

12. One of two baby peregrine falcons born on the University of California, Berkeley campus died Wednesday after flying into a window. Seems like that bird was more UCLA material if you ask me.

13. Rapper Ice Cube was ninety minutes late for a performance at a marijuana festival because his car broke down and he had to take an Uber to the show. Of course, since it was a weed festival, he was still the first one there.

14. Prisoner O.J. Simpson is worried that his July 20th parole hearing will be a media circus and the officials will deny his release because of the press. And at least a little bit because he killed his wife and a waiter.

15. The Dallas Cowboys are the world’s most valuable sports team, according to the annual list published by Forbes on Wednesday. While the Cleveland Browns somehow owe Forbes money.

16. Over the weekend, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said President Trump “was a star in Hamburg and no one can take that away.” Priebus is right, I can’t think of a single time a world leader was a star in Germany and then subsequently had that title taken away from him. Not a single one.

17. Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly suing Kenneth Sack, a fan of the team and former season ticket holder. If found guilty, Sack could be sentenced to ten more years as a Marlins fan.

18. The World Health Organization is warning of a gonorrhea superbug that is quickly spreading around the globe. That story again, Russell Brand is back on the dating scene.

19. Last week, Moninda Marube, a professional long distance runner from Kenya, outran two bears while training in the woods of Maine. Actually Marube did’t outrun that bears so much as he outran his former running partner Glenn. RIP Glenn.

20. New York Senator Charles Schumer is asking the FDA to regulate a new snortable chocolate powder. “Back off Schumer, I need this!” said the Nesquick rabbit:

21. Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Georgia early Saturday morning on charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Begging the question, do you know how drunk you have to be to be considered too drunk in Georgia?

22. On Twitter Wednesday, actor Shia LaBeouf said his racist tirade against a Georgia police officer was a “new low.” Although I’d beg to differ because I saw his performance in that ‘Indiana Jones’ movie.

23. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, that only’s because Trump insists on cuddling afterwards.

24. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, you know what they say, time flies when you’re inadvertently disclosing classified information to a foreign enemy.

25. According to a new study, unpaid family and friends provide the overwhelming majority of care to the elderly in their last years of life. Although, if they paid better, maybe it wouldn’t be the last years of their lives.

June 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. On Tuesday, Venezuelan police attacked the country’s Supreme Court by dropping grenades from a helicopter. “I wish a bitch would,” said Ruth Bader Ginsburg:

2. Yesterday French President Emmanuel Macron invited President Trump to Paris on July 14th to celebrate Bastille Day, otherwise known as French National Day. Said Trump, “Those idiots don’t even celebrate the Fourth of July on the right day.”

3. According to a new study, acupuncture paired with mild electric currents may be better than doing nothing at all to relieve urinary incontinence in women. Or, you could just move to Russia and make a career out of it:

4. Bumble, a dating app where women typically initiate the conversation, has launched a pop-up location this month in Manhattan. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a bar, you opened a bar, Bumble. Congrats.

5. Actress Lindsay Lohan is launching a subscription-only lifestyle website. But, I assume that’s a typo and meant to say Lohan’s website comes with a lifetime prescription to Valtrex.

6. On Wednesday, a man drove his car into and destroyed a newly installed Ten Commandments monument in Arkansas. Said the man, “If this doesn’t impress my neighbor’s wife nothing will.”

7. Yesterday, Joe Maddon, the manager of the World Series champion Chicago Cubs, said when you’re invited to the White House, “I think you go.” And here to provide the counter argument is Melania.

8. According to reports, President Trump’s team has been fighting with Disney World over the speech Trump’s robot will give in their Hall of President’s exhibit. The problem is if they use an actual Trump speech word-for-word it will sound like the robot is malfunctioning:

9. This week, actress Michelle Rodriguez threatened to quit the ‘Fast and Furious’ movie franchise over its treatment of women. And I agree, no one should have to try to act in a scene alongside Vin Diesel.

10. In a recent interview, actor Rob Lowe claimed to have once seen the giant mythical creature Bigfoot. Not to be outdone, Bigfoot claims to have once seen the never-aging, mythical creature Rob Lowe.

June 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. In a recent interview, Eric Trump said he doesn’t consider Democrats to be people. But, I’m assuming that’s only after he bites their neck:

2. An ex-girlfriend of Bill Maher hinted that the comic has used the n-word around her in the past. Now that’s inexcusable, no one should have to date Bill Maher.

3. President Trump has challenged London Mayor Sadiq Khan to an IQ test. The first and only question on the test is “Do you think it’s a good idea to publicly challenge the mayor of a city that just suffered a tragedy to an IQ contest?”

4. On Tuesday, the F train suffered a severe maintenance malfunction that left hundreds of subway goers in New York City stuck in a tunnel with no air conditioning or lighting for over an hour. But NYC residents are resilient and despite the obstacles many of them still managed to masturbate.

5. Chicago plans to dedicate a nine-story mural to blues legend Muddy Waters during the city’s annual blues festival this weekend. “Didn’t we already dedicate an entire city to him?” said residents of Flint Michigan.

6. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said, “I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days.” Which doesn’t make sense because women in Russia have it pretty good, in fact, a lucky few were able to pee on Donald Trump.

7. A man in upstate New York dressed as the Tin Man from ‘The Wizard of Oz’ was busted driving drunk on the way home from a festival honoring the classic movie. “You’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,” said his cellmate.

8. An ex-girlfriend of retired baseball player Alex Rodriguez is reportedly attempting to extort him for $600,000. Begging the question, what information could she possible have that’s more embarrassing than this?:

9. A man who was responsible for buying office supplies for the Staten Island District Attorney’s office was arrested for using the funds to purchase comic books and video games. If convicted, he could get 10 years to life or, in terms that he’ll understand, 10 years to up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A.

10. According to a new report, during a recent meeting with President Trump, Attorney General Jeff Sessions tried to quit. Here’s an exclusive look at that meeting: