December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

June 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama made news over the weekend by using the n-word in a podcast while discussing race. Marking the first time FoxNews has ever supported Obama.

2. Over the weekend, a pregnant Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expected a baby boy. “Well, at least for now,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

3. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. If you close your eyes and take a sip, you’ll think you’re in Germany and no one was better at closing his eyes than Joe Paterno.

4. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. Before it goes on sale, the beer will be aged ten years, or, as former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky thinks of it, way too old.

5. Jake Broadbent, the actor best known for playing Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I,” was arrested in South Carolina for reckless driving. Authorities were alerted to Broadbent by an anonymous tipster who said, “All over the road he is.”

6. Planned Parenthood has launched a mobile app that lets users request home lab kits that test for two of the most commonly sexually transmitted diseases. Which beats the old way of getting diagnosed, Snapchatting a picture of your junk to the local clinic.

7. Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker unveiled a $27 million plan on Monday to decrease the state’s rising number of heroin and opium addicts. The way the plan works is Massachusetts uses that money to buy all the addicts one-way bus tickets to Rhode Island.

8. General Mills announced on Monday that it will stop using artificial coloring is its cereals. “Well, there goes my General Mills sponsorship deal,” said Rachel Dolezal.

9. A Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. So good luck in the legal process to the future Mrs. Charlie Sheen.

10. Last week, Texas schools decided to return deep fryers and soda machines to their school cafeterias. Students celebrated the decision, then quickly got winded and had to take a rest.

July 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Self-service beer stations are up and running at Minnesota’s Target Field ahead of next week’s MLB All-Star Game. The self-service machines are called DraftServ, or, as they will come to be known around the seventh inning, urinals.

2. An Ohio man who turned to KickStarter with a $10 goal to prepare and try potato salad for the first time ended up with over $11,000 in donations. So now he’s just halfway to his new goal of being able to buy the ingredients at Whole Foods.

3. Former Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze died yesterday at the age of 86. My prayers are with his family and whoever has to carve that tombstone.

4. Oslo, Almaty and Beijing were confirmed as the official candidates to host the 2022 Winter Olympics on Monday. And I think it’s safe to assume Bob Costas is pulling for Beijing solely on the basis of height.

5. Actor Harrison Ford is recuperating from surgery after breaking his leg on the set of the new Star Wars movie thus delaying filming for two weeks. Said one actor on the film who wished to remain anonymous. “His shit together Indiana Jones does need to get.”

6. According to a new biography, the author of “The Star-Spangled Banner” may have been tone-deaf. So maybe Carl Lewis was right.

7. In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said she would want Meryl Streep to play her in a movie based on her life. The project is loosely titled, “The Devil Wears Pantsuits.”

8. A new report predicts that global warming may cause the red-head gene to disappear. “Dibs on Northern Ireland,” said England.

9. On Monday, Twitter appointed Katie Stanton as its new media chief. A woman with a high power job, who never says anything over 140 characters, I think I’m in love.

10. A Louisiana Republican seeking to unseat Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu announced on Thursday that his unwed teenage daughter is pregnant. Which can only mean one thing, welcome to Louisiana Levi Johnston.