June 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Twelve paintings by Adolf Hitler were recently sold at auction. “Hey, we gotta replace the flag with something,” said South Carolina.

2. The new world’s oldest person credits her longevity to not smoking, drinking or partying. In other words, be prepared for at least another 60 years of Mitt Romney.

3. Yesterday, traditional stores WalMart and Sears and internet retailers Amazon and eBay announced bans on the sale of Confederate flag merchandise. Said people who buy that merchandise, “What’s the internet?”

4. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Because, I’m guessing, “Dear God, please don’t make me choose” and “Fuck it, I’m moving to Canada” weren’t on the ballot.

5. On Tuesday, Virginia’s Governor said the state will phase out vehicle license plates featuring the Confederate battle flag. But, for those who still want to tell other motorists that they are insensitive, backwards-thinking, inbred, racists, may I suggest Truck Nutz.

6. According to a new study, weight loss surgery may help reduce urinary incontinence in extremely obese men. Because the first step in controlling your pee is being able to see the part of your body where it comes out.

7. According to a new poll, nearly a quarter of Americans lie to their dentists about flossing regularly. While the remaining 75% lie to pollsters.

8. On Tuesday, 3-on-3 basketball debuted at the European Games. “Two teammates, what a luxury,” said LeBron James.

9. The aging mother of Knut, the famous hand-raised polar bear who captured German hearts an the world’s attention, was put down at the Berlin Zoo on Tuesday because it said she was blind, deaf and suffering. But, on the plus-side, at least now Germany is giving reasons.

10. The Stonewall Inn, a New York City bar widely recognized as the birthplace of the U.S. gay rights movement, was granted historic landmark status by city officials on Tuesday. Making it the second landmark behind Alcatraz to have a glory-hole.

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