December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

April 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent poll, Bill Cosby’s “Little Bill” children’s book series is on the list of books Americans most often asked librarians to pull from shelves last year. Ironically, requesting people to “pull Little Bill” is what got Cosby into this mess to begin with.

2. In a recent interview, actor and noted Republican Stephen Baldwin said he hasn’t spoken with his brother Alec Baldwin, who impersonates President Trump on SNL, since the election. But it’s not because of differing politics but because Alec has caller ID.

3. According to a ‘New York Times’ report, White House chief strategist Steve Bannon’s world view can be traced back to a book called ‘The Fourth Turning.’ While President Trump’s world view can be traced back to whatever Steve Doocy said that morning on ‘Fox & Friends.’

4. On Monday, Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the World Wide Web, said the internet needs a complete rethink to prevent spying and the spread of “nasty, mean ideas” on social media. Berners-Lee said we need to get back to the original purpose of the web, connecting people to other people and then connecting those people to pornography.

5. The United States, Mexico and Canada are considering a joint bid to host the 2026 World Cup soccer tournament. That story again, Canada has agreed to be the third wheel on a date with a couple that hates each other.

6. Sunday night, United forcibly removed a passenger from an overbooked flight while fellow-passengers video taped the incident on their phones but didn’t intervene. So I guess the people in the exit row who promised to help in the event of an emergency were all fucking liars.

7. Over the weekend, President Trump accepted his Chinese counterpart Xi Jinping’s invitation to visit China. So now Trump can finally get a firsthand look at the factories that make his ties.

8. Ford has developed a prototype crib that simulates a car ride for babies that only fall asleep while in motion. “I’m pretty sure I invented that?” said Casey Anthony.

9. Airbnb has permanently banned a host who cancelled a woman’s reservation because the guest was Asian. That story again, your Vietnam vet grandfather’s unfamiliarity with technology is now only the second best reason he can’t rent out his home on Airbnb.

10. According to a new study, talking to your dog is a sign of intelligence. “Does yelling ‘Finish him!’ count?” asked Michael Vick.

March 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study found that dogs are capable of lying. “Although, they rarely do it when you really need them to,” said Michael Vick:

2. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Makes sense, he can go from selling an orange to selling a lemon.

3. President Trump’s new proposed budget cuts federal funding for public broadcasting programs like ‘Sesame Street.’ Because nothing gives Trump more joy than evicting minorities:

4. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. And, if you think that’s bad, a crazy person has been on the premises for the past 59 days:

5. According to a new study, men who routinely do intense or long workouts may have a lower than average libido. “You may want to reexamine those numbers,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exhausted maid.

6. In a recent interview, Rodrigo Alves, the man known as “The Human Ken Doll,” said after 50 plastic surgeries he can’t breathe properly. Although, to be fair, I doubt there was a time when enough oxygen was ever getting to his brain.

7. According to research, the Tsimane people who live in the forests of Bolivia have the healthiest hearts in the world. In response, former President Bill Clinton asked, “What’s they’re secret?” while current President Donald Trump asked, “What’s a heart?”

8. Hillary Clinton said Friday she’s “ready to come out of the woods” and help Americans find common ground. I wonder what made her want to leave the woods now:

9. The Department of Homeland Security has requested proposals for the Mexican border, saying ideally it should be 30 feet high and the wall facing the U.S. side should be “aesthetically pleasing in color.” And, considering it’s the Trump administration that’s making the request, I’m guessing “aesthetically pleasing in color” means white.

10. Over the weekend, the NSA called allegations from the White House that President Obama directed a British spy agency to wiretap Donald Trump during the presidential campaign “arrant nonsense.” Although it is weird that the NSA misspelled “Aryan.”

January 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, it was reported that the backyard swing set bought for the President Obama’s daughters in 2009 has been removed from the White House lawn and donated to charity. But, don’t worry, Joe Biden’s treehouse still remains:

2. Scientists have found that the brain reshapes itself for years after adolescence, which raises the question of when an adult is fully mature in the eyes of the law. According to every action and statement made by our President-elect, I’m gonna guess sometime after 70.

3. President-elect Donald Trump said last week he intends to dissolve his charitable foundation, the Donald J. Trump Foundation, before taking office. So now, in the future, the term ‘Trump foundation’ will solely refer to the base level of a very bad spray tan.

4. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to write his inauguration speech himself. “Speaking from experience, you might want to reconsider that,” said Melania.
 
5. By using a technique that cannot be applied to humans, scientists were able to rejuvenate the organs of mice and lengthen their life span by thirty percent. You can read more about the study in this week’s Medical Journal of Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.

6. A grieving man in China made a sex doll that is an exact replica of his dead wife, even dressing the doll in his late wife’s underwear. So, I’m guessing the cause death was suicide.

7. Last week, Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris shared a photo on Instagram of her giving her godfather Macaulay Culkin a pedicure. And I imagine if her father was around to see her touching Culkin’s feet he would say “No, higher.”

8. Over the holidays, a judge in Britain ruled that dogs should not be treated like children. “Oh, thank god,” said Casey Anthony’s schnauzer.

9. The mayor of Mobile, Alabama apologized for cutting down a tree in a public park in order to hold a Donald Trump rally. “How dare you, cutting down trees is my job now,” said Trump’s pick to head the EPA.

10. According to a new study, women do not find men with tattoos more sexually attractive. And you could see the disappointment associated with these results written all over Mike Tyson’s face.

11. Last week, a couple in Texas decided to get married after 41 years of dating. The man reportedly got down on one knee and said, “I guess.”

12. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Said his father, “Well that explains why we’re always out of peanut butter.”

13. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Although, I’m pretty sure, at this point, that’s his dog.

14. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic Dream Team being built. Which sadly means only one member of the Trump’s cabinet has AIDs.

15. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic basketball team being built. I guess I could see that if the Dream Team were twelve Christian Laettners.

16. Last week, 27-year-old singer Taylor Swift paid a World War II veteran who is a fan a surprised visit on his 96th birthday. And, in the complete opposite of that story, Madonna surprised a 27-year-old fan on her birthday.

17. Forbes named Scarlett Johansson Hollywood’s the top-grossing actor of 2016, starring in movies that grossed $1.2 billion worldwide. And, at the bottom of the list is Drew Barrymore who somehow owes Hollywood $4.6 million.

18. Last week, a federal court in Michigan, ruled that police can shoot a dog while entering a home if the animal “moves or barks” in the officer’s presence. And, just like that, Michael Vick has found his next career.

19. Robert Leo Hulseman, the inventor of the iconic red plastic Solo cup, widely used to play beer pong, died last week at the age of 84. He is survived by whoever called ‘next.’

20. According to a new survey, younger siblings generally have a lower IQ than their older brothers and sisters. Scientists refer to it as the Stephen Baldwin effect.

21. NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. wed his longtime girlfriend Saturday, with fellow driver Danica Patrick reportedly catching the bouquet. So, for once, being well behind the pack, actually paid of for Danica.

22. A organization in favor of legalizing marijuana will be giving out free joints to protestors on Inauguration Day. So when they chant “What do we want?” and “When do we want it?” they will be sincerely asking because they don’t remember.

23. The 115th Congress was sworn in on Tuesday and not one of the 535 members of the House or Senate is a proclaimed atheist. Although, after four years of Trump, I’m willing to bet a few of them will no longer believe in God.

24. A new study found that eating large amounts of cured meats was linked to asthma. And, in a related story, Chris Christie hasn’t been able to catch his breath since 1987.

25. According to new reports, more pregnant women are turning to marijuana to deal with nausea and morning sickness. Which explains the new pregnancy mantra of “Push, Push, Pass.”

September 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, over 80 million viewers tuned in to watch the first presidential debate, which beat Monday Night Football. Apparently viewers decided to skip watching people getting concussions in favor of watching two people who already have them.
 
2. According to the Department of Transportation, the fastest growing group of Americans behind the wheel are people over the age of 85. Although, they didn’t say how far behind the wheel:
hearse

3. According to a new study, 1 out of every 10 babies born in Europe is conceived in an IKEA bed. That story again, the relationship of 1 out of 10 couples somehow survived a trip to IKEA.
 
4. A new study found that men exposed to dioxin, a chemical once common in herbicides, may be less likely to father boys. And in related news, Woody Allen has covered himself in dioxin.
 
5. In preparation for the second debate, one possibility being floated internally is Chris Christie taking the leading role in getting Donald Trump ready. Said Christie, “Two questions, where is the next debate and will Hillary have to cross any bridges to get there?”
 
6. When pressed during a town hall Wednesday night to name a foreign leader he admired, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson was flustered and unable to do so. But, in his defense, every single foreign leader doesn’t know who the fuck he is either.
 
7. Testimony by a former ally of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie that the Republican knew about the “Bridgegate” traffic scandal could endanger any possible political future he has in a Trump administration. Also jeopardizing Christie’s future, bakeries.
 
8. Although current U.S. guidelines encourage women to stop drinking while trying to get pregnant, a new Danish study suggests giving up alcohol may not be necessary for improving the chances of conceiving. Especially if you’re ugly.
 
9. On Wednesday, Forbes pegged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fortune at $3.7 billion. “Did they report on what half of that comes out to?” said Melania.

10. On Wednesday, appearing in his first minor league baseball, Tim Tebow hit a homerun during his first at bat on the first pitch he saw. It’s amazing what Tebow can accomplish when he doesn’t have to throw a ball.

11. A toilet museum has opened in South Korea. Last employee to leave every night has to put the seat down.

12. A Memphis woman walked into her home this week to find two burglars having sex on her couch. Said the burglars, “Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?”

13. Donald Trump told reporters that he gave Hillary Clinton a C+ for her performance during Monday night’s presidential debate. But, in his defense, he’s not used to giving out grades since he never once showed up to Trump University.

14. Republican Party presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted on Tuesday that he raised $13 million in 24 hours from online donations. Now comes the hard part, figuring out how not to pay taxes on any of it.
 
15. Plans have been approved for a nudist park in the city of Paris. Which seems like a great idea until you remember Gerard Depardieu:
gerard

16. Monday night’s presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was seen by a record 80.9 million TV viewers, which is double the amount of viewers who tuned in for the final episode of “All in the Family.” Which makes sense, because one featured a racist misogynist who speaks his mind and a woman who yells at him in a shrill voice and the other was “All in the Family.”

17. During Monday night’s debate, police in Lawrence, Kansas tweeted out a reminder that being mad at a political candidate is not a valid reason to call 911. “But you’re the only people who will take my calls,” said Jeb.

18. There is a growing trend on college campuses where the schools offer ball pits for overwhelmed students to relax. Or, as it is referred to at Arizona State University, a graduate course.

19. A Michigan man mowed a 58,000 square foot Trump sign in his lawn. Apparently he heard a voice that said “If you build it, you are dumb.”

20. An Arizona boys high school soccer team forfeited a match last week after refusing to play its opponent because there were girls on their roster. So now, if we could just get girls on every boys soccer team we’ll never have to watch another soccer game ever again.

21. Last week, during an interview, the Dalai Lama made fun of Donald Trump. Dude, what the fuck? You don’t see me talking about inner peace, you stick to your thing and I’ll stick to mine.

22. A mobile app dubbed “order a daddy” has launched that allows women to select a sperm donor via their smartphone. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Anthony Weiner.

23. Last week, a woman in Colorado was stabbed by her dog. “They can do that!?!” said a visibly concerned Michael Vick.

24. In a new interview, Kim Kardashian said she would like to go to law school. She knows that passing the bar and lowering the bar are two different things, right?

June 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. All four cities vying to host the 2024 Olympic games have advanced to the next stage of campaigning as the International Olympic Commission found no major flaws in their bids. That story again, all the checks cleared.

2. A new online game called Surgeon Simulator allows users to operate on presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. The program initially had Jeb Bush as the patient, but he was DOA every time.

3. A ghost-hunting tour in the U.K. accidentally stumbled upon a porn that was being shot in a graveyard. Which makes sense since the all actors were dead on the inside.

4. A 43-year-old man is claiming that his twenty-nine Miley Cyrus tattoos are preventing him from getting a girlfriend. Which isn’t true, his first Miley Cyrus tattoo did that, the other twenty-eight were just overkill.

5. According to reports, conservative commentator Bill Kristol is considering choosing David French, a staff writer with National Review magazine and a constitutional lawyer, to run as an independent presidential candidate. So remember the name David French, because if you do, you’ll be the only one.

6. A number of parking lots in China have introduced “female only” parking spaces. “Here we go again,” said North Carolina.

7. School officials in Mobile, Alabama are looking into allegations that a teacher administered a math test that may have been racist. Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when have they been teaching math in Alabama?

8. A former Miss Turkey was handed a 14-month suspended prison sentence on Tuesday for insulting Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan through a poem she shared on Instagram. But, come on, give her some credit, do you know how hard it is to rhyme ‘Tayyip Erdogan’?

9. A couple in their eighties have finally tied the knot after dating for over forty years. So, I guess, the answer to the age old question of why buy the cow is because the milk has turned sour.

10. Just one day after saying he’d love to debate Bernie Sanders, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump changed his mind and said he would not debate the Democrat. Between this and his flip-flops on gun control and abortion, Trump doesn’t have time to debate Bernie when he’s so busy arguing with himself.

11. Last week, Utah police cited a man who was running around nude with bells hanging from his genitals. “This is not how I wanted to get my wings,” said one angel.

12. A Florida fifth-grader, who may have had a hit list, could face murder charges, after she poisoned a classmate’s water using bleach. The teacher should have known something was up when the student ended every show-and-tell with “You didn’t see nothing.”

13. An Arkansas man proposed to his girlfriend by creating a level on the Super Mario Brothers video game that popped the question to her. The couple will be honeymooning in her parent’s basement.

14. A five-year old boy’s missing hamster was discovered by a doctor dead in the back-fat of his mother who weighs over 700 pounds. So, in hindsight, the boy probably shouldn’t have named him lucky.

15. Over the weekend, to mark their 100th anniversary Nathan’s sold hot dogs for a nickel at its famous Coney Island stand. “I remember when they only cost a quarter,” said a very confused old man.

16. On Friday, Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert took to the floor of the House of Representatives to argue that homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed in outer space. Which seems like a direct shot at Lance Bass.

17. Last week, a man in West Virginia wearing a ‘#1 DAD’ t-shirt used his daughter as a human shield after robbing a bank. But maybe the daughter wouldn’t have been in that situation if she had bought her dad an actual shield instead of that stupid shirt.

18. Last week, scientists in Australia discovered seven new species of peacock spiders. Although, they can’t be too good at peacocking if they’re just being discovered now.

19. The National Park Service is calling part of the Petersburg National Battlefield, the site of a bloody Civil War battle, “an active crime scene” due to a large number of freshly dug excavation pits. Authorities are blaming it on looters or the South has literally risen again.

20. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg just submitted plans to tear down and rebuild four of the houses surrounding his Palo Alto home. Or, as he refers to it, adjusting his privacy settings.

21. A group of artists unveiled a huge mural of David Bowie in Sarajevo on Saturday. Not because of Bowie’s death, but because they just got his music there.

22. Alex Rodriguez’s 8-year-old daughter Ella filled out a Parent’s Day school assignment by answering questions about her famous father, including “the craziest thing my dad ever did was cut an apple for me.” So, needless to say, she she failed that assignment.

23. The vinyl edition of “The Force Awakens” soundtrack has spinning holograms etched into the record. Even better, if you play it backwards, it says “Jar Jar Binks is dead.”

24. According to reports, singer Gwen Stefani turned down boyfriend and fellow-singer Blake Shelton’s marriage proposal. It was gut wrenching, Shelton popped the question and Stefani didn’t turn her chair around.

25. A Japanese company has invented a robotic suitcase that retails for $650 and follows its owner around like a dog. “Can you teach them to fight?” said Michael Vick.

26. According to an annual ranking of airports, Newark International Airport is the most miserable airport. Although, somehow, it’s still the best place in New Jersey.

27. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has taken to calling presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump “Mr. Macho.” Said Trump, “Oh, that hurts, is that what it feels like when someone calls you a name? Wow, I’m a monster.”

28. Disney has vowed legal action against a Chinese theme park that has been using knock-off versions of their characters. The characters are not exactly the same, for instance, Mickey has been changed to Marky, Minnie is now Marnie and Pluto is lunch.

29. This week, a duck graduated from an elementary school in Florida. Although, at this point, the “in Florida” part seems redundant.

November 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Arkansas has rejected a proposed amendment to legalize marijuana in the state due to errors of grammar, punctuation and spelling in the proposed bill. No word on whether the errors were because the person penning the bill was high or just from Arkansas.

2. Wednesday night, after going 4-for-11 in shooting, Cleveland Cavalier superstar LeBron James ripped the sleeves off his jersey and played the rest of the game that way. James did so on the advice of his shooting coach Larry the Cable Guy.

3. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush’s new e-book is entitled “Reply All.” Because, much like the most common response to reply all emails, for the past eight years and the foreseeable future Jeb will be out of office.

4. This week, presidential candidate Donald Trump released his new book entitled “Crippled America.” And, much like Trump himself, it is very easy to put down.

5. This week Twitter changed from offering a star to ‘favorite’ tweets to a heart to ‘like’ tweets saying, “You might like a lot of things but not everything can be your favorite.” Which can only mean one thing, Twitter has never seen Jimmy Fallon introduce guests on the Tonight Show.

6. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee failed to qualify for next Tuesday’s prime-time Republican presidential debate, which will feature a smaller field of eight candidates, Fox Business said on Thursday. Christie and Huckabee said they knew they were in trouble when they heard Fox Business wanted to ‘thin out’ the field.

7. According to reports, a new, more limited system for monitoring Americans’ phone calls for signs of terrorism is so slow and cumbersome that the U.S. National Security Agency will likely never use it. That story again, the NSA uses Sprint.

8. In a recent interview, 4’7’’ sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer said she does not endorse threesomes. But is in favor of two-and-a-halfsomes.

9. Animal rights advocates are seeking homes for scores of dogs raised for South Korea’s canine meat market but sent to the U.S. for adoption after their breeder switched to growing rice. “I’ll take ‘em all,” said good-samaritan Smicheal Svick:
Vick

10. Republican presidential candidates Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz and Bobby Jindal all went pheasant hunting last weekend. Although the pheasants weren’t worried at all because they knew those candidates don’t have a shot.

11. A man in Texas stabbed his roommate during a fight over a piece of fried chicken. Yeah, they didn’t call him COLONEL Sanders for nothing.

12. Vice President Joe Biden and European Union Chief Executive Jean-Claude Juncker discussed the need to craft a new transatlantic data-sharing agreement during a phone call on Tuesday. The phone call took much longer than expected because Biden kept asking Juncker if he was related to Jean Claude Van Damme.

13. Comedian Jon Stewart has signed a deal with HBO to produce short-form digital content on current events. “That’s weird, if he wants to keep telling jokes why didn’t he just go get his old job back?” said Jay Leno.

14. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush attacked rival Marco Rubio’s record of missed Senate votes, saying it showed Rubio had “given up” on breaking through the political gridlock in Washington. Good to see Bush is familiar with the phrase “give up” because I get the sense he will be saying it in the not-too-distant future.

15. Golf announcer David Feherty said the game urgently needs a bigger ball to keep the average amateur golfer interested. “I cannot tell you how much I disagree with using larger balls,” said Tom Brady.

June 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rachel Dolezal, the former president of Spokane’s chapter of the NAACP, is reportedly in talks to star in her own reality TV show. It will air on the BET? Network.

2. Rick Perry, the former Texas governor who is making a second run for the Republican presidential nomination next year, says he took away a major lesson from his failed 2012 bid: be prepared. As opposed to the more apt lesson he should have learned: America doesn’t want you to be president.

3. Over the weekend, a Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. Authorities became suspicious when her baby was snorting breast milk.

4. British researchers have discovered around 8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in an ancient Egyptian burial ground. To see anything like that outside of Egypt, you’d have to travel all the way to Michael Vick’s backyard.

5. The Orem Owlz, a minor league baseball team in Utah, has cancelled an upcoming promotional night entitled “Caucasian Heritage Night.” Although, isn’t every gathering of people in Utah a celebration of caucasian heritage?

6. Actor Johnny Depp has put his 37-acre, south of France estate on the market for $25.76 million. But don’t worry if you don’t have that kind of money, you still get ripped off by Depp by buying a ticket to any one of his movies.

7. In an attempt to reach younger customers, McDonald’s has created a set of sponsored filters for Snapchat featuring a cheeseburger and fries and a purple heart bearing the company’s logo. Not to be outdone, the Burger King has signed up for Grindr.

8. Senator Lindsey Graham said we are due for a bachelor president. “Yeah, it’s been about 15 years since we had one,” said Bill Clinton.

9. The Iowa Supreme Court has rejected a state rule requiring doctors to see abortions patients in person, ruling that Planned Parenthood may continue administering abortion-inducing medications using remote video technology. The use of remote technology is in line with Planned Parenthood’s motto “The less people in the womb, the better.”

10. Last week, Delaware Governor Jack Markell signed into law a bill decriminalizing possession and private use of small amounts of marijuana. Because if you had to spend eternity next to New Jersey, you’d smoke too.

March 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, actor Chuck Norris turned 75-years-old. I never thought I’d see the day when Walker, Texas Ranger really needed a walker.

2. According to a sci-fi website, the upcoming Star Wars novel “Lords of the Sith,” will feature an Imperial official named Moff Mors, who is the first gay character in the history of Star Wars. If that’s the case, I guess I really misread C3PO and R2D2’s relationship.

3. Just a day after Apple revealed its new Apple Watch, knock-off versions have appeared for sale on the streets of China. The real and fake watches have many similarities, including an interactive face, a long lasting battery and both were made by small Chinese children.

4. Hillary Clinton, under attack for using a personal email address to conduct U.S. State Department business, defended the practice on Tuesday as a matter of “convenience.” Which, coincidentally, is also the adjective she uses to describe her marriage.

5. According to a recent survey, more young people in Britain are learning about sex at school than ever before. Researchers are attributing this to sluttier teachers.

6. Yesterday, Houston Texan Jadeveon Clowney, the No. 1 pick in the 2014 NFL draft who was injured for most of his rookie season, was bitten by a pit bull belonging to a teammate. Texans head coach Bill O’Brien called the incident “unfortunate,” while quarterback Michael Vick called it, “a trip down memory lane.”

7. According to a new study, for people with heart disease, high levels of stress coupled with depression increase the risk of heart attack and death. That story again, bad things are still bad for you.

8. As a result of a court ruling, the drug ecstasy was legal for a few hours in Ireland yesterday. Irish ecstasy-enthusiasts were unable to get glow sticks on such short notice, but, fortunately, were able to use their blinding pale arms as substitutes.

9. Organizers of a Spanish-style running of the bulls agreed on Tuesday to stop holding their event in California. A similar decision was recently made by Derrick Rose in Chicago.

10. Ferret ownership remains illegal in New York City after heath officials on Tuesday decided not to overturn a decades-long ban on keeping the animal as a pet. So remember, that’s not a ferret in your apartment, it’s just a freakishly long rat.