Tag Archives: Jeb Bush

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

July 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, Americans spend four years of their lives daydreaming and escaping reality. Specifically, the next four years:

2. According to NBC News, President Trump has no agenda for his upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Trump, “We’re just gonna have a few glasses of wine and see where the night takes us.”

3. Mel Gibson will play Mark Wahlberg’s gruff and disappointed father in the upcoming film ‘Daddy’s Home 2.’ Gibson was able to stay in character and act disappointed by reminding himself that his son’s name ended in ‘berg.’

4. Tuesday, a mall in Oklahoma was flooded with a mysterious brown liquid, the cause of which remains unknown. “Now, let’s not rush to judgment here,” said the manager of the food court Chipotle.

5. Scientists say that sex robots will become extremely common in about a decade. “Sooner!” yelled Melania.

6. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking recently said that he fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. And, now, for Trump’s response:

7. A restaurant has opened up in a treehouse in Alabama that sells nothing but hot dogs. That story again, the fanciest restaurant in Alabama has opened.

8. Actress Lindsay Lohan took to Twitter this week begging people to stop bullying President Trump and, instead, support him. Which means Newt Gingrich now has some competition for the title of Trump supporter with the biggest tits.

9. President Trump’s tweet of a doctored video showing him slamming a man whose face is obscured by a CNN logo has become Twitter’s most shared post ever. While Twitter’s least shared post ever remains:

10. A set of used golf clubs once owned by President Trump will be auctioned off online. An American History book owned by Trump is also up for sale, but that one’s not used.

June 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau claimed that President Trump “actually does listen.” The key, he said, sock puppets:

2. For the fourth time in a row a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. So better luck next year to runner-up Jeb Bush.

3. According to a new book, former President Obama dumped his college girlfriend because she was white and he believed he needed to ‘fully identify as African American’ to become president. Coincidentally, Bill Clinton also dumped his college girlfriend, but that happened last week and only after he met a hotter freshman.

4. A Utah man had an image of LeBron James’s crying face tattooed on his leg. The hardest part was explaining to a tattoo artist in Utah what a black guy looks like.

5. According to a new survey, only 36% of kids between the ages of 16 and 19 have summer jobs. But that’s because Jared Kushner has taken all of them:

6. British opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn got a rock star reception at Glastonbury Festival on Saturday, telling millions of young people who voted for him would not be silenced. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders was seen high on peyote at Burning Man:

7. Saturday night, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married and many of his colleagues were in attendance including President Trump and Vice President Pence. The ceremony was nice, although there was an awkward moment when Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos tried to shoot the ringer BEARer.

8. According to research, African Americans who experience everyday discrimination may have trouble getting to sleep. “We’d be happy to show them something we call ‘the sleeper hold,’” said the police.

9. Hundreds of well-dressed women marched in central Pyongyang, North Korea on Thursday vowing to seek revenge on the United States. To see that many well-dressed women united in an effort of revenge you’d have to go all the way to the Bill Cosby trial.

10. An article published in a North Korean state newspaper called President Trump a “psychopath.” Which is a sign of progress in talks between the two nations because every negotiation needs to start from a point of agreement.

November 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Tuesday, California, Massachusetts and Nevada voted to legalize recreational marijuana use. In hopes that it will help them forget about the other voting results on Tuesday.

2. Yesterday, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, the Vatican’s Secretary of State, took to Vatican radio to say that, in the wake of the U.S. presidential election, he prays that God enlightens Donald Trump. Adding, “But after Tuesday night, even I’m having second thoughts about whether God exists.”

3. It is being reported that president-elect Donald Trump is considering Rudy Giuliani for Attorney General and Newt Gingrich for Secretary of State. And, as the biggest fuck you possible, Chris Christie for Secretary of Transportation.

4. Wednesday morning, Jeb Bush took to Twitter to congratulate Donald Trump on his victory and said he and his wife Columba will be praying for the new president-elect. Although with President Trump in office and a name like Columba, maybe she should be praying for herself.
 
5. Early Wednesday morning, Donald Trump changed the bio on his official Twitter account to read “President-elect of the United States.” Presumably because ‘czar’ is always so tricky to spell.

6. Yesterday, Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said “Donald Trump heard a voice out in this country that no one else heard.” No, we heard it too, but we responded by telling our racist grandpas to “keep it down, we’re in public.”

7. During her concession speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, “to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt, that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams.” Unless, of course, some loudmouth, unqualified man also wants those exact same dreams, then you’re shit out of luck.

8. Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi congratulated Donald Trump on Wednesday on his victory and said he hoped his election would unleash a new era of closer ties with Washington. Psssssttt, Abdel, let me give you a hint, don’t tell him you’re Muslim.

9. On Wednesday, Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf expressed concern about what President-elect Donald Trump’s policy toward African countries will be. Or, as Trump refers to them, the inner cities.

10. In the wake of Tuesday’s election, Omarosa said the Donald Trump has been keeping a list of all the people who didn’t support his White House bid. They know that 59,654,369 people voted for Hillary, right? That’s gonna be a pretty long list.

November 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was caught sneaking a peak at his wife Melania’s ballot while she was casting her vote. Which is not surprising, Trump has a long history of not trusting immigrants.

2. Musician Stevie Wonder proudly announced that yesterday he walked into the voting booth and cast his ballot for Hillary Clinton. Apparently, no one had the heart to tell him:
telephone1

3. Last night Donald Trump won the state of West Virginia. Although it’s not too surprising that a man who has openly talked about how hot his own daughter is won over the residents of West Virginia.

4. Yesterday, a pregnant woman in Colorado stopped to vote on her way to the hospital to give birth. She said she voted for Hillary because she didn’t think she could handle two juvenile, cry-babies in her life.

5. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange said on Tuesday the group’s publication of material linked to Hillary Clinton was not based on any desire to influence the U.S. presidential election. Said Assange, “Come on, we’re not the FBI.”

6. Election officials in three Pennsylvania counties said they believed no ballots had been wrongly counted as a result of computer malfunctions, despite reports on Tuesday that touch-screen voting machines in the state were switching votes. Although, it’s not a good sign that those counties were won by Pat Buchanan.

7. A tiger and polar bear in a Siberian zoo made contrasting presidential predictions on Tuesday, with Yunona, a female tiger, picking a pumpkin carved with the image of Clinton, while polar bear Felix opted for the Trump pumpkin. Although, if you think about it, isn’t picking any pumpkin kinda a vote for Trump?

8. Yesterday, a spokesman for George W. Bush said the former-president did not cast a vote for president. But he did take a picture of his empty ballot and sent it to Jeb just to rub it in.
 
9. Eric Trump may have broken the law Tuesday after he tweeted a picture of what appeared to be his own ballot with a vote for his father. Which many viewed as yet another attempt by Eric to win his father’s approval, which was ultimately futile because there’s no way Donald follows him on Twitter.

10. Two women were arrested yesterday morning after they staged a topless, anti-Donald Trump protest at a midtown polling location in New York City. Said Trump, “The last time I saw this many topless women screaming for me to ‘get out,’ I was in the contestants’ dressing room backstage at Miss Universe.”

November 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Presumably because they already have a Grand Wizard.

2. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Of course, they made the announcement with their hoods on because even they know to be ashamed of voting for Trump.

3. On Monday, Ohio Governor John Kasich said he wrote in the name John McCain instead of voting for the Republican nominee Donald Trump. He added that he would have voted for himself but he didn’t want to waste his vote.
 
4. Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson says he thinks Hillary Clinton could face impeachment over the continued FBI investigation into her private email server if she is elected president. Although, it should be noted, that if Gary Johnson is elected president he could face impeachment over definite voter fraud.
 
5. According to a new study, the smell of pumpkin can cause sexual arousal in men. As a result, pumpkin patches have been forced to erect scare-mother-in-laws.

6. A new study has found that native English speakers are the world’s worst communicators. Apparently the study was conducted by talking to my wife and our therapist.

7. According to ‘the Hollywood Reporter,’ Disney is making a live-action version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.’ Which is weird, because I thought they already made that:
debates

8. According to a new study, smoking marijuana may improve the user’s ability to see at night. Which will come in handy once you forget where the light switch is.

9. A Ukrainian man has officially changed his name to iPhone 7. Not to be outdone, this guy changed his name to Samsung Galaxy Note 7:
fire

10. According to reports, no one has seen North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un’s wife in over seven months. In response, President Obama called Jong Un “a ruthless dictator,” Secretary of State John Kerry called him “a man capable of anything,” and former president Bill Clinton called him “lucky.”

October 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, before the last presidential debate in Las Vegas, many of Donald Trump’s advisors went to a strip club. Many, but not all:
buffet

2. On Monday, President Obama said he has seen the infamous Access Hollywood bus tape featuring Billy Bush and Donald Trump. Which means even Billy Bush made it inside the White House before Jeb.

3. According to a new study, women experiencing menopause symptoms like hot flashes and sleeping problems do better if they have a comfortable workplace and a supportive boss. In other words, Omarosa is fucked.

4. During an appearance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Monday night, President Obama revealed that he has an iPhone that he uses to send emails but the phone is not capable of making calls. Oh, so he has AT&T.
 
5. During an appearance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Monday night, President Obama said if he were able to run for a third term Michelle would divorce him. Although, I’m not sure that would be necessary since Hillary Clinton would surely kidnap him first:
obama

6. According to research, the gender drinking gap, the ratio of men that drink to women that drink, has closed significantly over the past fifty years. So congratulations ladies on breaking the glass ceiling and the glass coffee table.

7. This week, singer Miley Cyrus went door-to-door at George Mason University in support of Hillary Clinton. “Oh, did you forget you shirt or something?” said every guy at the Kappa Episilon fraternity when she knocked on their door.

8. Arrested Mexican drug-kingpin Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman is unhappy that his conjugal visits with his wife have been cut from four hours down to two. Because, if there’s one thing we know about El Chapo it’s that he loves ‘tunneling.’

9. A professor at the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, his recently published paper on Nuclear Physics written entirely by Apple’s autocorrect function. The paper reads, “Put your head between your legs and kiss your ducking ass goodbye.”

10. Patrick Murphy, the Democrat in Florida seeking to unseat Marco Rubio, has denied he has ever done business with Donald Trump, even though his family’s construction company built two Trump-branded condominiums. But, in Murphy’s defense, just because you had a contract with and built something for Donald Trump doesn’t mean he actually paid you.

September 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, over 80 million viewers tuned in to watch the first presidential debate, which beat Monday Night Football. Apparently viewers decided to skip watching people getting concussions in favor of watching two people who already have them.
 
2. According to the Department of Transportation, the fastest growing group of Americans behind the wheel are people over the age of 85. Although, they didn’t say how far behind the wheel:
hearse

3. According to a new study, 1 out of every 10 babies born in Europe is conceived in an IKEA bed. That story again, the relationship of 1 out of 10 couples somehow survived a trip to IKEA.
 
4. A new study found that men exposed to dioxin, a chemical once common in herbicides, may be less likely to father boys. And in related news, Woody Allen has covered himself in dioxin.
 
5. In preparation for the second debate, one possibility being floated internally is Chris Christie taking the leading role in getting Donald Trump ready. Said Christie, “Two questions, where is the next debate and will Hillary have to cross any bridges to get there?”
 
6. When pressed during a town hall Wednesday night to name a foreign leader he admired, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson was flustered and unable to do so. But, in his defense, every single foreign leader doesn’t know who the fuck he is either.
 
7. Testimony by a former ally of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie that the Republican knew about the “Bridgegate” traffic scandal could endanger any possible political future he has in a Trump administration. Also jeopardizing Christie’s future, bakeries.
 
8. Although current U.S. guidelines encourage women to stop drinking while trying to get pregnant, a new Danish study suggests giving up alcohol may not be necessary for improving the chances of conceiving. Especially if you’re ugly.
 
9. On Wednesday, Forbes pegged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fortune at $3.7 billion. “Did they report on what half of that comes out to?” said Melania.

10. On Wednesday, appearing in his first minor league baseball, Tim Tebow hit a homerun during his first at bat on the first pitch he saw. It’s amazing what Tebow can accomplish when he doesn’t have to throw a ball.

11. A toilet museum has opened in South Korea. Last employee to leave every night has to put the seat down.

12. A Memphis woman walked into her home this week to find two burglars having sex on her couch. Said the burglars, “Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?”

13. Donald Trump told reporters that he gave Hillary Clinton a C+ for her performance during Monday night’s presidential debate. But, in his defense, he’s not used to giving out grades since he never once showed up to Trump University.

14. Republican Party presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted on Tuesday that he raised $13 million in 24 hours from online donations. Now comes the hard part, figuring out how not to pay taxes on any of it.
 
15. Plans have been approved for a nudist park in the city of Paris. Which seems like a great idea until you remember Gerard Depardieu:
gerard

16. Monday night’s presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was seen by a record 80.9 million TV viewers, which is double the amount of viewers who tuned in for the final episode of “All in the Family.” Which makes sense, because one featured a racist misogynist who speaks his mind and a woman who yells at him in a shrill voice and the other was “All in the Family.”

17. During Monday night’s debate, police in Lawrence, Kansas tweeted out a reminder that being mad at a political candidate is not a valid reason to call 911. “But you’re the only people who will take my calls,” said Jeb.

18. There is a growing trend on college campuses where the schools offer ball pits for overwhelmed students to relax. Or, as it is referred to at Arizona State University, a graduate course.

19. A Michigan man mowed a 58,000 square foot Trump sign in his lawn. Apparently he heard a voice that said “If you build it, you are dumb.”

20. An Arizona boys high school soccer team forfeited a match last week after refusing to play its opponent because there were girls on their roster. So now, if we could just get girls on every boys soccer team we’ll never have to watch another soccer game ever again.

21. Last week, during an interview, the Dalai Lama made fun of Donald Trump. Dude, what the fuck? You don’t see me talking about inner peace, you stick to your thing and I’ll stick to mine.

22. A mobile app dubbed “order a daddy” has launched that allows women to select a sperm donor via their smartphone. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Anthony Weiner.

23. Last week, a woman in Colorado was stabbed by her dog. “They can do that!?!” said a visibly concerned Michael Vick.

24. In a new interview, Kim Kardashian said she would like to go to law school. She knows that passing the bar and lowering the bar are two different things, right?

September 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, while giving a speech Monday night, former President George H.W. Bush said he intends to vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump in November. Even worse, he said he made this decision back when Jeb was still running.

2. On Tuesday, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who have six children together, three of whom are adopted, announced that they are getting a divorce. “So, what’s you return policy?” said Pitt to Africa.
 
3. Yesterday, actress Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from husband Brad Pitt. Sounds like someone finally got around to seeing “The Tree of Life.”
 
4. In a tweet this week, Donald Trump Jr. compared Syrian refugees to Skittles. Which explains the Trump campaign’s new slogan “Displace the Rainbow.”

5. According to a recent New York Times report, Chinese people are less inclined to get married. But, to be fair, it’s hard to commit when there are literally 1.4 billion other fish in the sea.

6. An employee of the Royal Canadian Mint allegedly smuggled $180,000 in gold out of the fortress-like facility by hiding it in his rectum. Authorities became suspicious when the employee went to the bathroom and it sounded like someone hit the jackpot on a slot machine.

7. The “Naked Trump” statue that was perched on a rooftop near the Holland Tunnel for the past five days has been stolen. But don’t worry you’ll still be able to see it in your nightmares forever.

8. A German goalkeeper was arrested after conceding 43 goals in one soccer game. Said his teammates to the police, “Where were you 42 goals ago?”

9. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. “Please be a sister. Please be a sister,” said Josh Duggar.

10. According to a new scientific trial, exposure to bright light can raise testosterone levels and lead to greater sexual satisfaction in men with low sexual desire. Although, it only works with certain bright lights:
neon

September 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. After her recent case of pneumonia, many are accusing Hillary Clinton of using a body-double to make public appearances when the candidate herself is not feeling well. Or, in the case of Chris Christie, a body-quadruple.
 
2. According to scientific study, it is impossible for men and women to just be friends. “Still no,” said scientific researcher Carla to her co-worker Ben.
 
3. An American chef has figured out a way to deep fry water. It is the second most unhealthy way to consume water right behind living in Flint, Michigan.

4. A South Carolina woman was arrested on Monday after she allegedly tried to remove a body from a casket during a funeral service. Which, I’m pretty sure, is how Larry King met his last wife.

5. According to a new poll, two-thirds of Republicans want to see Donald Trump’s medical records. While the remaining the one-third don’t want to take the chance that the records may contain pictures.

6. A trial of self-driving Uber cars has begun in Pittsburgh. That story again, there are free cars in Pittsburgh.
 
7. The pastor who hosted Donald Trump at her church in Michigan, interrupted the Republican presidential nominee during his speech Wednesday to ask him to refrain from attacking his rival Hillary Clinton. Said Trump, “Can I interest you in some Jeb zingers I never got to use?”

8. According to a new study, women would be better off going to sleep two hours before men. Unless, of course, one of those men is Bill Cosby.

9. According to reports, campaign staffers are frustrated with Hillary Clinton’s reluctance to drink water. But, you try living with Bill for thirty years and tell me which one you’re reaching for:
drinks

10. Earlier this week, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton revealed to CNN”s Anderson Cooper that she has fainted multiple times before. Well there was Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, Dolly Kyle, Eileen Wellstone, Elizabeth Ward Gracen, Sally Perdue, Connie Hamzy, Lincoln Sullivan, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky, so I’m guessing she fainted eleven times.