September 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, over 80 million viewers tuned in to watch the first presidential debate, which beat Monday Night Football. Apparently viewers decided to skip watching people getting concussions in favor of watching two people who already have them.
 
2. According to the Department of Transportation, the fastest growing group of Americans behind the wheel are people over the age of 85. Although, they didn’t say how far behind the wheel:
hearse

3. According to a new study, 1 out of every 10 babies born in Europe is conceived in an IKEA bed. That story again, the relationship of 1 out of 10 couples somehow survived a trip to IKEA.
 
4. A new study found that men exposed to dioxin, a chemical once common in herbicides, may be less likely to father boys. And in related news, Woody Allen has covered himself in dioxin.
 
5. In preparation for the second debate, one possibility being floated internally is Chris Christie taking the leading role in getting Donald Trump ready. Said Christie, “Two questions, where is the next debate and will Hillary have to cross any bridges to get there?”
 
6. When pressed during a town hall Wednesday night to name a foreign leader he admired, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson was flustered and unable to do so. But, in his defense, every single foreign leader doesn’t know who the fuck he is either.
 
7. Testimony by a former ally of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie that the Republican knew about the “Bridgegate” traffic scandal could endanger any possible political future he has in a Trump administration. Also jeopardizing Christie’s future, bakeries.
 
8. Although current U.S. guidelines encourage women to stop drinking while trying to get pregnant, a new Danish study suggests giving up alcohol may not be necessary for improving the chances of conceiving. Especially if you’re ugly.
 
9. On Wednesday, Forbes pegged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fortune at $3.7 billion. “Did they report on what half of that comes out to?” said Melania.

10. On Wednesday, appearing in his first minor league baseball, Tim Tebow hit a homerun during his first at bat on the first pitch he saw. It’s amazing what Tebow can accomplish when he doesn’t have to throw a ball.

11. A toilet museum has opened in South Korea. Last employee to leave every night has to put the seat down.

12. A Memphis woman walked into her home this week to find two burglars having sex on her couch. Said the burglars, “Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?”

13. Donald Trump told reporters that he gave Hillary Clinton a C+ for her performance during Monday night’s presidential debate. But, in his defense, he’s not used to giving out grades since he never once showed up to Trump University.

14. Republican Party presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted on Tuesday that he raised $13 million in 24 hours from online donations. Now comes the hard part, figuring out how not to pay taxes on any of it.
 
15. Plans have been approved for a nudist park in the city of Paris. Which seems like a great idea until you remember Gerard Depardieu:
gerard

16. Monday night’s presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was seen by a record 80.9 million TV viewers, which is double the amount of viewers who tuned in for the final episode of “All in the Family.” Which makes sense, because one featured a racist misogynist who speaks his mind and a woman who yells at him in a shrill voice and the other was “All in the Family.”

17. During Monday night’s debate, police in Lawrence, Kansas tweeted out a reminder that being mad at a political candidate is not a valid reason to call 911. “But you’re the only people who will take my calls,” said Jeb.

18. There is a growing trend on college campuses where the schools offer ball pits for overwhelmed students to relax. Or, as it is referred to at Arizona State University, a graduate course.

19. A Michigan man mowed a 58,000 square foot Trump sign in his lawn. Apparently he heard a voice that said “If you build it, you are dumb.”

20. An Arizona boys high school soccer team forfeited a match last week after refusing to play its opponent because there were girls on their roster. So now, if we could just get girls on every boys soccer team we’ll never have to watch another soccer game ever again.

21. Last week, during an interview, the Dalai Lama made fun of Donald Trump. Dude, what the fuck? You don’t see me talking about inner peace, you stick to your thing and I’ll stick to mine.

22. A mobile app dubbed “order a daddy” has launched that allows women to select a sperm donor via their smartphone. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Anthony Weiner.

23. Last week, a woman in Colorado was stabbed by her dog. “They can do that!?!” said a visibly concerned Michael Vick.

24. In a new interview, Kim Kardashian said she would like to go to law school. She knows that passing the bar and lowering the bar are two different things, right?

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