November 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, California, Massachusetts and Nevada voted to legalize recreational marijuana use. In hopes that it will help them forget about the other voting results on Tuesday.

2. Yesterday, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, the Vatican’s Secretary of State, took to Vatican radio to say that, in the wake of the U.S. presidential election, he prays that God enlightens Donald Trump. Adding, “But after Tuesday night, even I’m having second thoughts about whether God exists.”

3. It is being reported that president-elect Donald Trump is considering Rudy Giuliani for Attorney General and Newt Gingrich for Secretary of State. And, as the biggest fuck you possible, Chris Christie for Secretary of Transportation.

4. Wednesday morning, Jeb Bush took to Twitter to congratulate Donald Trump on his victory and said he and his wife Columba will be praying for the new president-elect. Although with President Trump in office and a name like Columba, maybe she should be praying for herself.
 
5. Early Wednesday morning, Donald Trump changed the bio on his official Twitter account to read “President-elect of the United States.” Presumably because ‘czar’ is always so tricky to spell.

6. Yesterday, Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said “Donald Trump heard a voice out in this country that no one else heard.” No, we heard it too, but we responded by telling our racist grandpas to “keep it down, we’re in public.”

7. During her concession speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, “to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt, that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams.” Unless, of course, some loudmouth, unqualified man also wants those exact same dreams, then you’re shit out of luck.

8. Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi congratulated Donald Trump on Wednesday on his victory and said he hoped his election would unleash a new era of closer ties with Washington. Psssssttt, Abdel, let me give you a hint, don’t tell him you’re Muslim.

9. On Wednesday, Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf expressed concern about what President-elect Donald Trump’s policy toward African countries will be. Or, as Trump refers to them, the inner cities.

10. In the wake of Tuesday’s election, Omarosa said the Donald Trump has been keeping a list of all the people who didn’t support his White House bid. They know that 59,654,369 people voted for Hillary, right? That’s gonna be a pretty long list.

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