September 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, while giving a speech Monday night, former President George H.W. Bush said he intends to vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump in November. Even worse, he said he made this decision back when Jeb was still running.

2. On Tuesday, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who have six children together, three of whom are adopted, announced that they are getting a divorce. “So, what’s you return policy?” said Pitt to Africa.
 
3. Yesterday, actress Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from husband Brad Pitt. Sounds like someone finally got around to seeing “The Tree of Life.”
 
4. In a tweet this week, Donald Trump Jr. compared Syrian refugees to Skittles. Which explains the Trump campaign’s new slogan “Displace the Rainbow.”

5. According to a recent New York Times report, Chinese people are less inclined to get married. But, to be fair, it’s hard to commit when there are literally 1.4 billion other fish in the sea.

6. An employee of the Royal Canadian Mint allegedly smuggled $180,000 in gold out of the fortress-like facility by hiding it in his rectum. Authorities became suspicious when the employee went to the bathroom and it sounded like someone hit the jackpot on a slot machine.

7. The “Naked Trump” statue that was perched on a rooftop near the Holland Tunnel for the past five days has been stolen. But don’t worry you’ll still be able to see it in your nightmares forever.

8. A German goalkeeper was arrested after conceding 43 goals in one soccer game. Said his teammates to the police, “Where were you 42 goals ago?”

9. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. “Please be a sister. Please be a sister,” said Josh Duggar.

10. According to a new scientific trial, exposure to bright light can raise testosterone levels and lead to greater sexual satisfaction in men with low sexual desire. Although, it only works with certain bright lights:
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