February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

September 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, while giving a speech Monday night, former President George H.W. Bush said he intends to vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump in November. Even worse, he said he made this decision back when Jeb was still running.

2. On Tuesday, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who have six children together, three of whom are adopted, announced that they are getting a divorce. “So, what’s you return policy?” said Pitt to Africa.
 
3. Yesterday, actress Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from husband Brad Pitt. Sounds like someone finally got around to seeing “The Tree of Life.”
 
4. In a tweet this week, Donald Trump Jr. compared Syrian refugees to Skittles. Which explains the Trump campaign’s new slogan “Displace the Rainbow.”

5. According to a recent New York Times report, Chinese people are less inclined to get married. But, to be fair, it’s hard to commit when there are literally 1.4 billion other fish in the sea.

6. An employee of the Royal Canadian Mint allegedly smuggled $180,000 in gold out of the fortress-like facility by hiding it in his rectum. Authorities became suspicious when the employee went to the bathroom and it sounded like someone hit the jackpot on a slot machine.

7. The “Naked Trump” statue that was perched on a rooftop near the Holland Tunnel for the past five days has been stolen. But don’t worry you’ll still be able to see it in your nightmares forever.

8. A German goalkeeper was arrested after conceding 43 goals in one soccer game. Said his teammates to the police, “Where were you 42 goals ago?”

9. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. “Please be a sister. Please be a sister,” said Josh Duggar.

10. According to a new scientific trial, exposure to bright light can raise testosterone levels and lead to greater sexual satisfaction in men with low sexual desire. Although, it only works with certain bright lights:
neon

June 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, England voted to leave the European Union throwing the entire global economy into turmoil. Things are so uncertain that Queen Elizabeth was forced to get a job:
drive thru

2. In a recent interview, Bernie Sanders said he will vote for Hillary Clinton in November’s presidential election. Well, she has always down well with older voters.

3. A new report claims that China is still engaged in the widespread and systematic harvesting of donor organs from prisoners. My gut tells me that’s wrong, but my new liver tells me to murder.

4. Cavs fans are buying championship merchandise at a record pace in the wake of the Cavaliers winning Cleveland’s first championship in fifty years. Which makes sense, because before that, in order to get a Cavs championship t-shirt you had to live in Africa.

5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump predicted on Friday that his campaign would raise a “staggering” amount of money this summer. And, to be fair, he is great at fundraising, as long as you consider getting a loan from your father as fundraising.

6. Last week, police in New York City discovered a heroin operation hidden behind a door disguised as a shelf in a candy shop. And it was a great cover because no one ever questioned why Phillip Seymour Hoffman was visiting a candy shop three to four times a day.

7. According to a new study, children that are obese are likely to become obese adults. “I wouldn’t bet on it,” said heart disease.

8. Last week, an Orthodox Rabbi competed on NBC’s “American Ninja Warrior.” It is the first time a clergyman has appeared on an NBC reality show since the most recent episode of “To Catch a Predator.”

9. While shooting an episode of his CNBC show, comedian Jay Leno crashed a 2,500-horsepower car. I could have told you that was a terrible idea, giving Jay Leno another TV show.

10. Last week, in a landmark ruling, the Oregon State Supreme Court found that dogs are not mere property but are “sentient beings.” So, remember, that’s not your property but a sentient being licking his own nuts in your hallway.