September 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. The person he’d put in charge, you guessed it, Roger Ailes.

2. London’s Madame Tussauds museum said on Wednesday it had separated its wax figure replicas of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt after the Hollywood power couple announced their split. No word on which figure got custody of the wax replica of Webster.
 
3. On Wednesday, the Trump campaign started selling “Make America Great Again” sweatbands. Sweatbands, which were popular in the 80’s, harken back to a simple, happier time when there was no ISIS, Zika didn’t exist, and Donald Trump wasn’t running for president.

4. Yesterday, South Korea confirmed that it has a military plan to remove North Korea’s Kim Jong Un from power. The plan consists of leaving a trail of donuts that lead directly into the sea.

5. In a recent interview, rapper The Game revealed that he’s slept with Blac Chyna and both Kim and Khloe Kardashian. So, I guess in this instance, you can hate both the player and The Game.

6. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. Unfortunately they’ll have to come up with a new name for the show because “20 Kids and Counting” is already the title to Jared Fogel’s autobiography.

7. Last week, a New York assemblyman who killed himself won re-election despite being dead. So, that’s one option, Donald.

8. A pair of Crocs retailing at $150 debuted at London Fashion week on Wednesday. Because if you live in England why should your teeth be the only part of your body that looks terrible.

9. Last week, Blac Chyna said she plans to eat her placenta after giving birth. Yet another reason for me to never learn who Blac Chyna is.

10. A Florida man was found guilty on Friday of attempted murder for shooting at George Zimmerman during a roadside confrontation earlier this year. Said the judge, “It’s really the ‘attempted’ part that makes me the most angry.”

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