September 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in Argentina tried to win back her boyfriend by stripping naked in the middle of the road and stopping traffic. So now, she’s a red flag on Waze too.

2. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. Said the new kid, “Why am I here? It was less crowded at the orphanage.”

3. Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, said he views Dick Cheney as a role model for the job of vice president. Which is terrible news for Pence’s hunting buddies.

4. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said on Friday that if elected he would seek to reverse President Obama’s moves to open relations with Cuba. Adding, “That place is a mess, I’ve never seen somewhere so overrun with Mexicans.”

5. According to a new scientific trial, exposure to bright light can raise testosterone levels and lead to greater sexual satisfaction in men with low sexual desire. Although, the complete opposite is suggested if your wife is ugly.

6. The TV ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards were the lowest ever in the history of the show. In fact, if the ratings got any lower, the Emmys would be running for president.

7. According to a new study, 86% of American men are satisfied with their penis. “Well, at least someone is,” said their wives.

8. On Sunday night, the official Twitter account for the 2016 Emmys mistakingly identified Terrence Howard as Cuba Gooding Jr. And, say what you will, but the Oscars never had that problem.

9. According to a new study, beer makes people less shy about sex, especially women. “Actually, I’ve found that any beverage will do,” said Bill Cosby.

10. Former President George W. Bush announced last week that he will be releasing a book of his paintings in 2017. So, to reiterate, the president who was mercilessly mocked for his perceived low intelligence, is releasing a book consisting solely of pictures.

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