Monologue Jokes – April 30, 2013

1. Yesterday, NBA center Jason Collins became the first openly gay active player playing in a major American sports league. “Uh? Hello?” said everyone in the WNBA.

2. Yesterday, NBA free-agent center Jason Collins became the first openly gay active player playing in a major American sports league. When asked why he waited until he was a free agent, Collins said because he was embarrassed to admit to his friends and family that he was a Washington Wizard.

3. Yesterday, NBA center Jason Collins became the first openly gay active player playing in a major American sports league. A spokesperson for GLADD said, “We are so proud of and happy for Mr. Collins, we hope he continues to score many more touchdowns.”

4. Yesterday, the New York Jets cut quarterback Tim Tebow. But don’t worry, much like his passes, I’m sure he will bounce back.

5. Yesterday, the New York Jets cut quarterback Tim Tebow. Said Tebow, “I’ll hold a spot for you in the unemployment line Sanchez.”

6. Yesterday, the New York Jets cut quarterback Tim Tebow. So does that mean eating ice cream and watching Maury at eleven in the morning will now be known as “tebowing”?

7. During the opening statement in the Michael Jackson wrongful death trial, an attorney for the defense warned jurors that “we’re going to show some ugly stuff.” Then they called LaToya to the stand.

8. During the opening statement in the Michael Jackson wrongful death trial, an attorney for the defense warned jurors that “we’re going to show some ugly stuff.” Adding, “but don’t worry, most of it will be covered in glitter.”

9. According to a new study, kids who are born abroad and immigrate to the U.S. are about half as likely to have asthma as those who are born in the U.S. Yeah, kids don’t have asthma abroad, they have black lung from working in the mines.

10. Parents whose children are struggling with math often view tutoring as the best way to help them master crucial skills, but a new study released on Monday suggests that for some kids even that is a lost cause. Specifically, non-asian kids.

Monologue Jokes – April 29, 2013

1. Spanish police have arrested a 35-year-old Dutch cyber-attacker, who traveled around Spain in a van he used as a mobile office. “That’s not how you’re supposed to use a van,” said pedophiles everywhere.

2. James Everett Dutschke, the second Mississippi man accused of sending ricin-tainted letters to the President and others, is expected to appear in court today. Begging the question, does everyone in Mississippi go by three names?

3. A Oklahoma City Thunder ball boy is under investigation for sending death threats via Twitter to a Houston Rockets player. Something that is not a problem for the Lakers as Dwight Howard has been playing dead all season.

4. Iraq’s government ordered ten television networks shut down, accusing them of “unprofessional” and “unethical” coverage during recent clashes in the country’s north. Or, as CNN reported it, the Iranian government shut down eight radio stations for bad music selection.

5. Texas Governor Rick Perry is demanding an apology from a California newspaper that published a cartoon that suggested his push for less regulations led to the recent Texas plant explosion. Said the Governor, “I love Garfield, why would cartoons do this to me?”

6. LeBron James had thirty points, eight rebounds and seven assists as the visiting Miami Heat completed a four-game series sweep of the Bucks in Milwaukee. James said the biggest reward was leaving Milwaukee.

7. The Rolling Stones will play a surprise gig for fans in Los Angeles on Saturday. In order to draw the largest crowd possible, the Stones made sure to schedule the concert around “Wheel of Fortune.”

8. The Rolling Stones will play a surprise gig for fans in Los Angeles on Saturday, a week ahead of kicking off a U.S. tour to mark 50 years in the music business. A 50 year career that has seen the Stones forget the definition of the word “surprise.”

9. Greek lawmakers on Sunday agreed to cut thousands of government workers to secure another 8.8 billion euros in bailout funds. Even sadder, due to budget cuts, the “cheeseburger, cheeseburger” guys are now just the “cheeseburger” guys.

10. Seattle’s interim police chief has apologized for appearing in a 1986 video that showed him and other officers mocking the homeless. But, in his defense, how were they ever gonna find out?

11. Federal authorities have taken disciplinary action against a Las Vegas hospital cited for improperly sending newly released psychiatric patients by bus to neighboring California, in a practice called “patient dumping.” But, in their defense, they do fit in better there.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Korean automaker, Hyundai, has apologized for an advertisement that featured a man attempting to commit suicide with exhaust fumes from one of its cars. I don’t know what the big deal is, every time I see a Hyundai at a used car dealership I always just assume that’s how it got there.

2. Swedish police found drugs on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. But in his defense, you’d take a lot of drugs too if you were forced to go to as many Justin Bieber concerts as him.

3. Reality television star Kim Kardashian and NBA basketball player Kris Humphries have finally settled their divorce, avoiding a trial that was set for next month. Kardashian agreed to settle moments after the judge ruled that cameras would not be allowed in the courtroom during the trial.

4. Auburn University was finally forced to cut down two iconic trees after a fan of rival school University of Alabama poisoned them over two years ago. And since this is happening in the state of Alabama, I’m fairly confident the trees won’t be used to make books.

5. Hockey player Sidney Crosby, who hasn’t played since having his jaw broken on March 30, received clearance to start practicing. “Maybe next time he’ll listen better,” said singer Chris Brown.

6. Yesterday, People Magazine named Gwyneth Paltrow “the Most Beautiful Person of the Year.” Unfortunately, that year was 1997.

7. Under a recently submitted proposal, the Boy Scouts of America would agree to no longer deny membership to youths on the basis of sexual orientation, but would maintain its ban on openly gay adult leaders. So don’t quit your day jobs yet, Catholic priests.

8. Washington state’s governor signed into law on Monday the final piece of a six-year effort to rewrite state laws using gender-neutral vocabulary, replacing words like “fisherman” with “fisher.” So remember citizens of Washington, that wasn’t a state congressman who wasted six years getting this law passed, it was an idiot.

9. Yesterday, at the Bush Library dedication, when asked about her son Jeb’s potential presidential bid, Barbara Bush said, “We’ve had enough Bushes.” Then Clinton chimed in.

10. A company has developed a “smart” fork which forces users to eat slower and potentially lose weight. How does it work? The fork is glued to the table.

Monologue Jokes – April 26, 2013

1. Korean automaker, Hyundai, has apologized for an advertisement that featured a man attempting to commit suicide with exhaust fumes from one of its cars. I don’t know what the big deal is, every time I see a Hyundai at a used car dealership I always just assume that’s how it got there.

2. Korean automaker, Hyundai, has apologized for an advertisement that featured a man sitting in his garage attempting to commit suicide with exhaust fumes from one of its cars. In my opinion, the most offensive part of the commercial is the idea that a Hyundai owner can afford a garage.

3. Swedish police found drugs on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. But in his defense, you’d take a lot of drugs too if you were forced to go to as many Justin Bieber concerts as him.

4. Last night was the first round of the NFL Draft, during which Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o was not selected. But don’t feel too bad for Te’o, because according to reports he heard, he was selected number one.

5. Yesterday, at the Bush Library dedication when asked about her son Jeb’s potential presidential bid, Barbara Bush said, “We’ve had enough Bushes.” Then Clinton chimed in.

6. A Utah man discovered a 14-year-old hamburger in his coat pocket. Begging the question, what the hell was he wearing for the past fourteen winters?

7. Retired 44-year-old running back Barry Sanders will grace the cover of next year’s Madden NFL video game, marking the first time the words “Madden curse” and “kidney stones” will be uttered in the same sentence.

8. Hockey player Sidney Crosby, who hasn’t played since having his jaw broken on March 30, received clearance to start practicing. “Maybe next time he’ll listen better,” said singer Chris Brown.

9. The Senate ended air traffic controller furloughs that were causing widespread airline delays. Forcing airlines to come up with new excuses as to why you’re stuck at O’Hara.

10. According to a new study, sickle-cell disease is the leading cause of prolonged erections in men. Okay, we get it scientists, black guys have big dicks.

Monologue Jokes – April 25, 2013

1. Yesterday, People Magazine named Gwyneth Paltrow “the Most Beautiful Person of the Year.” Unfortunately, that year was 1997.

2. A circular structure, with a diameter greater than the length of a Boeing 747, has been discovered at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee. Scientists are still baffled as to what it could be, but are certain that it is not, as previously reported, your mama.

3. Today, the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum will open in Dallas. In response, Stephen Hawking is opening a strip club in Oxford, wheelchair assessable of course.

4. Today, the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum will open in Dallas and all five living Presidents will be in attendance. When reached for comment, former President Bill Clinton said, “They’re gonna be librarians there, right?”

5. Today, the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum will open in Dallas. Said former President Bush, “I can’t wait to find Waldo.”

6. President Obama said he has a plan to prevent his daughters from getting tattoos, he will get the exact same tattoo in the exact same place. And so begins my Kickstarter campaign to convince Malia to get a “pretty princess” tramp stamp.

7. Alan Gendreau, a kicker from Middle Tennessee State, hopes to earn his way onto an NFL team to become the League’s first openly gay player. And, if that doesn’t work, cheerleader.

8. Yesterday, former President Bill Clinton joined Twitter. I can’t see a way that won’t end poorly.

9. According to Time Magazine, the cost of prom rose to an average of $1,139 per attendee this year. And that doesn’t even include the post-prom abortion.

10. A thief, who inadvertently nabbed some cremated remains along with thousands of rare gems in a truck burglary, has anonymously mailed back the ashes to their owner. When reached for comment, the owner said, “Grampa’s already dead, we’d like the gems instead.”

Monologue Jokes – April 24, 2013

1. Auburn University was finally forced to cut down two iconic trees after a fan of interstate rival University of Alabama poisoned them over two years ago. And since this is happening in the state of Alabama, I’m fairly confident the trees won’t be used to make books.

2. On Tuesday, the Jacksonville Jaguars, who finished last season with a 2-14 record, unveiled their new helmets and jerseys. Unfortunately the players wearing the new gear will remain the same.

3. Charges against the Mississippi man accused of sending ricin-tainted letters to President Obama and other officials, were dropped on Tuesday. You get to go back to Mississippi now, so congratulations?

4. The two women wounded when L.A. police shot at their pickup truck during the manhunt for renegade ex-officer Christopher Dorner will split a $4.2 million settlement. Said one guy in Boston, my boat’s got a few holes in it too.

5. A New Jersey junior high principal has come under fire from parents for his ban on strapless dresses at school dances, claiming they would be “distracting” to the boys. But these are middle school boys, so either ban the girls completely, or they’re gonna be distracted.

6. Yesterday, the twitter feed for the Associated Press falsely tweeted, “Breaking: Two Explosions in the White House and Barack Obama is injured,” after the account had been hacked. “See, it’s not so easy, is it?” said CNN.

7. Yesterday, the twitter feed for the Associated Press falsely tweeted, “Breaking: Two Explosions in the White House and Barack Obama is injured,” after the account had been hacked. But the tweet wasn’t completely incorrect, Al Roker was at the White House again.

8. Yesterday, the TSA announced that it was delaying a controversial change to its prohibited items list that would have allowed passengers to carry knives aboard planes. Because if there’s one thing the airline industry is good at, it’s delays.

9. Some high-profile Democrats are heading to Park City, Utah this summer to attend a policy retreat held by former Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Policy retreat in Utah with a bunch of Mormons? Sign me up, said no one.

10. Late Tuesday, the Justice Department filed suit against disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong for millions of dollars that the U.S. Postal Service spent to sponsor his cycling team. But rest assured, even if the Postal Service wins the over $100 million at issue, you will still receive the terrible service you’re used to all Post Office locations.

Monologue Jokes – April 23, 2013

1. Washington state’s governor signed into law on Monday the final piece of a six-year effort to rewrite state laws using gender-neutral vocabulary, replacing words like “fisherman” with “fisher.” So remember citizens of Washington, that wasn’t a state congressman who wasted six years getting this law passed, it was an idiot.

2. Pediatricians cautioned young people against participating in a popular dare known as the cinnamon challenge, which involves trying to swallow a tablespoon of ground cinnamon in a minute without drinking water. And, instead, have advised youngster to return to their normal sugar/diabetes challenge.

3. Over the weekend, controversial player Luis Suarez appeared to bite an opponent before going on to score the winning goal. Alright, but did he use his hands?

4. New York City took the first step on Monday in outlawing sales of cigarettes to anyone under age 21, in an effort to reduce smoking amongst teenagers. Seems like a great idea, because if there’s one think teenagers are good at, it’s listening to authority.

5. According to a government-backed panel, there is not enough evidence to recommend universal screening to find people at risk of suicide. But maybe just hang out around Cleveland Cavaliers games.

6. Disgraced fashion designer John Galliano is continuing his public image rehabilitation tour with an upcoming stint teaching a master class at one of New York’s leading design schools. Prerequisites for the class include a background in fashion, a design book with at least ten different looks and an intense hatred of the Jews.

7. Eric Justin Toth, one of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted fugitives was picked up on Saturday in Nicaragua. Making it a big day for whoever was formerly number 11 on the list.

8. Country singer Glen Campbell is set to release what could be his final album as the singer’s health has deteriorated after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two years ago. The album is said to be a beautiful mixture of bluesy country melodies and soulful guitar riffs over which Campbell repeatedly says, “line?”

9. On Monday, Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter said the city is exploring a bid to host the 2024 Olympic Games. And so begins the plot of the next “Rocky” movie.

10. Yesterday was Earth day. Which means today we can all go back to not recycling and ignoring Al Gore.

Monologue Jokes – April 22, 2013

1. A company has developed a “smart” fork which forces users to eat slower and potentially lose weight. How does it work? The fork is glued to the table.

2. A company has developed a “smart” fork which forces users to eat slower and potentially lose weight. Said fat people everywhere, “That’s why God gave us hands.”

3. Reality television star Kim Kardashian and NBA basketball player Kris Humphries have finally settled their divorce, avoiding a trial that was set for next month. The settlement came moments after the judge ruled that cameras would not be allowed in the courtroom during the trial.

4. Current play-by-play announcer for NBC’s “Sunday Night Football”, Al Michaels, was arrested and charged with misdemeanor DUI over the weekend. Oh God, I hope his one phone call was to Al Cowlings.

5. Current play-by-play announcer for NBC’s “Sunday Night Football”, Al Michaels, was arrested and charged with misdemeanor DUI over the weekend. Michaels spent five hours in the Santa Monica City Jail where he undoubtedly learned the real meaning of “rowdy friends.”

6. On Sunday, controversial soccer player Luis Suarez appeared to bite an opponent before going on to save his club from defeat with a last-gasp goal. When questioned by reporters after the match, Suarez said, “Brains. Me need more delicious brains.”

7. Under a recently submitted proposal, the Boy Scouts of America would agree to no longer deny membership to youths on the basis of sexual orientation, but would maintain its ban on openly gay adult leaders. So don’t quit your day jobs yet, Catholic priests.

8. Over the weekend, Oscar-winning actress Reese Witherspoon was arrested in Atlanta, after the car she was traveling in was pulled over. She was handcuffed after she failed to walk the line.

9. The world’s oldest living person, Japan’s Jiroemon Kimura, celebrated his 116th birthday on Friday with congratulations from around the world and from Japan’s prime minister. Or at least that’s what his family members told him.

10. A musical based on Bret Easton Ellis’s “American Psycho”, the disturbing tale of a Wall Street banker turned serial killer, will premiere in December. The play is being lauded in the financial sector, seeing as “serial killer” is an improvement over the current image of Wall Street bankers.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Groups supporting the right to abortion filed suit on Tuesday challenging an Arkansas law that bans most abortions after 12 weeks. But then the judge clarified that the ban did not apply to instances of incest and everyone just went home.

2. A St. Paul, Minnesota hospital says it is working to identify the gap in its system that allowed a stillborn baby’s body to wind up at an off-site laundry service. My advice, label your dumpsters better.

3. On Monday, North Korea said it would not provide a warning before attacking South Korea. Wow, that’s cold-hearted, even Chris Brown told Rihanna to “shut up” a few times beforehand.

4. Federal prosecutors filed criminal charges on Thursday against a Mississippi man, who worked as an Elvis impersonator, for sending a ricin-laced letter to the President. I’m going to go out on a limb, solely on the basis that he’s from Mississippi, and guess that he impersonated fat Elvis.

5. The number one overall pick in the 2013 WNBA Draft, Brittney Griner, announced that she’s gay. That seems redundant.

6. American rocker Meat Loaf pulled out of a concert in Britain due to health problems that continue to dog the 65-year-old singer. Crazy to think that a man with the word “loaf” in his name is not a model of fitness.

7. R&B singer R. Kelly made a surprise appearance at the Coachella Music Festival, bringing us closer to an answer to the age-old legal question: Is it illegal to piss on a hologram of a 14-year-old?

8. Over the weekend, singer Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and signed the guestbook, “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” If you think that’s bad, later, at his concert, he dedicated “One Less Lonely Girl” to her.

9. According to research published on Friday, a 2 million-year-old ancestor of man had a mixture of ape and human-like features that allowed it to hike vast distances on two legs with as much ease as it could scurry up trees. “Oh, you mean Bob?” said Larry King.

10. A little-known French sports doctor, who spent 16 years studying the busts of about 300 women, sent a scare through a country known for its love of lingerie this week, when he suggested bras were useless. Something tells me those 300 women didn’t know they were being studied.