October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.” 

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season. 

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over. 

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room. 

10.  Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight. 

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

September 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A documentary about alleged sexual abuse by Michael Jackson won an Emmy on Saturday. In response, the estate of Michael Jackson said the late singer would be horrified by the award, mainly because it wasn’t a Kid’s Choice Award. 

2. According to a new report, Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test last year and should not have been allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby. As a result, officials have given the rescinded the first place trophy and awarded to the runner-up:

3. A Pennsylvania couple is facing felony theft charges after their bank accidentally put $120,000 in their account, and the couple spent it instead of contacting the bank. Yikes, if spending money you didn’t earn is illegal, the starting lineup for the New York Knicks better lawyer up.

4. According to a recent article, DC comics is planning to introduce a black Batman. And of course his alter ego, Bruce Wayans:

5. When asked why his administration plans to weaken federal rules that force Americans to energy-efficient light bulbs, President Trump said he is not a fan of the bulbs because, “I always look orange.” So fair warning he’s probably coming after you next mirrors.

6. A Six Flags theme park in Maryland has announced a new promotion in which visitors spend 30 hours inside a coffin to win a pair of season passes. “I won what contest now?” said Stephen Miller.

7. Last week, reporters asked President Trump and the First Lady what they told their teenage son Baron about vaping. Melania said it was “dangerous and could lead to death,” while Donald said “I have a teenage son?”

8. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau publicly apologized for wearing blackface on multiple occasions in his past. And to demonstrate that his apology was sincere and heartfelt, he made the announcement in sad blackface.

9. Last week, Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered the blackest black ever. “Get MIT on the phone,” yelled Justin Trudeau to his secretary. 

10. Following her rally in New York Monday night, Senator Elizabeth Warren spent four taking selfies with supporters. So did New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, but only because it took him four hours to find a supporter to take a selfie with. 

11. President Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to record-setting reliever Mariano Rivera on Monday. That story again, a New York institution was awarded a medal by a New Yorker who should be institutionalized.

12. British police on Friday arrested a man suspected of hacking famous music acts to steal unreleased songs and sell them for cryptocurrency. They also arrested the Spice Girls for releasing their own music.

13. The University of Alabama is penalizing students for leaving college football games before the beginning of the fourth quarter. But, in their defense, they’re from Alabama, there’s a good chance they thought there were only three quarters.

14. This week, Hilaria Baldwin announced she is pregnant again, it will be her fifth child with husband Alec Baldwin. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, Alec, leave that poor woman alone.

15. President Donald Trump named Robert O’Brien on Wednesday as his latest White House national security adviser, picking an experienced negotiator who has worked to secure the release of hostages. “He got my letters!” said an enthusiastic Melania.

16. The world’s first vagina museum is set to open in London. The price of admission is two dinners and a weekend upstate at a cozy bed and breakfast.

17. According to reports, a whistleblower complaint has been filed against President Trump alleging he made inappropriate comments while on the phone with the President of Ukraine. No word on whether President Trump will face consequences, but for some reason Billy Bush was fired again.

18. In a recent interview, former Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson said he smoked marijuana after every game of his NFL career. “Oh, after, that’s much smarter,” said the entire roster of the New York Jets.

19. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a male passenger became unruly, punching seats, yelling at other passengers and smoking cigarettes. Or, as Shia Labeouf calls it, a career.

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

June 3rd, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study has found that excessive consumption of sugary drinks can lead to an increased risk of heart disease. Said one concerned consumer, “Oh No!”:

2. After 1,095 days and more than 75,000 miles on the road, Mikah Meyer fulfilled his dream of visiting all 419 US national parks in a single journey. Now comes the hard part, finding something even more boring to accomplish.

3. Canadian lawmakers fumed on Tuesday when Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg snubbed an invitation to to testify on privacy in Ottawa. Forcing the Congress to take the most aggressive possible under the Canadian constitution, politely asking him to attend again.

4. MTV is flipping the script on dating, broadcasting what it says is the first reality dating competition show in which all the contestants identify as sexually fluid. Not to be confused with “The Jersey Shore,” which featured a lot of sexual fluids.

5. When asked if he is concerned about his legacy, President Trump’s Attorney General William Barr said, “Everyone dies.” Which, coincidentally is also this administration’s environmental policy.

6. Women’s fashion retailer Dress Barn announced this week that they are going out of business. Hard to believe that a business model based solely on comparing their clientele to farm animals didn’t work.

7. Middle schoolers in Ohio allegedly feed semen-filled crepes to their teachers. “Eww, yuck, crepes,” said Paris Hilton.

8. Middle schoolers in Ohio allegedly feed semen-filled crepes to their teachers. “I’ve never tasted anything like this before,” said the schools female gym teacher.

9. According to “The New York Post,” former baseball star Alex Rodriguez has hired a team of lawyers to prevent the spread of a photo taken of his Manhattan apartment building that shows him sitting on the toilet. Seeing Rodriguez pooping in a toilet around Spring-time would be very jarring for most, as they are most used to seeing him shit the bed in October.

10. Disney’s live-action “Aladdin” topped this weekend’s box-office with an estimated $105 million in the US. Trailing right behind Aladdin were three ICE agents.

11. New Hampshire abolished the death penalty on Thursday, becoming the 21st U.S. state to do so. That story again, nobody tell OJ where New Hampshire is.

12. According to a new study, attention-deficit disorder may be more common in elite athletes. That story again, the entirety of the New York Jets football team have very long attention spans.

13. Malaysia will return 450 tonnes of plastic waste to the countries that shipped it, because they refuse to become a dumping ground for the world’s trash. “Look who comes crawling back,” said New Jersey.

September 28, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, tennis superstar Serena Williams said her new baby daughter helped her recover from her recent U.S Open loss. “Really? Can we borrow your baby,” said the New York Jets.

2. North West, the 5-year-old daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, walked her first fashion show runway over the weekend. Sounds like she got her fashion sense from her dad and her ability to get on stage and not say something stupid from her mom:

3. New York’s attorney general on Monday said lawyer review website Avvo had agreed to reform its rating system and improve disclosures after a probe revealed shortcomings in how it presented information to consumers seeking to hire lawyers. I don’t know, seems pretty helpful to me:

4. In an interview this week, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh admitted that he was a virgin throughout high school. In response, Ruth Bader Ginsburg called Kavanaugh “a fucking loser.”

5. HBO said on Thursday it will be dropping boxing from its programming schedule, ending a 45-year association with the sport. But fans of boxing shouldn’t be worried, HBO also announced an upcoming concert series with Chris Brown.

6. The Paris prosecutor’s office on Wednesday opened an investigation into a little known French rapper who shot to social media fame with a video called “Hang white people”. But, if you think about, isn’t that the subtitle of every Macklemore song too? 

7. Korean boy band BTS spoke at the United Nations this week. Marking the first time a pop-band has addressed the General Assembly since N’SYNC backed up Boutros Boutros-Ghali:

8. This week Arby’s announced that it is buying Sonic for $2.3 billion. Which equates to one dollar for every commercial on TV right now:

9. On Tuesday, a room full of world leaders at the U.N. laughed during Donald Trump’s speech when the president lavished praised on himself. Although Trump should be used to getting laughed at since he’s been roasted on Comedy Central, is made fun of nightly on talk shows, and has taken his pants off in front of real live women before.

10. A two-seater convertible car owned by Marilyn Monroe is going up for auction in November. It is expected to fetch much more than James Dean’s car.

11. This week the Secret Service unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009, which is filled with a wide range of medical supplies including a refrigerator full of President Trump’s blood type. Big deal, I’ve seen limos with mini-fridges full of Diet Coke before too. 

12. The NHL is investigating Philadelphia Flyers forward Jori Lehtera after a Finnish news outlet reported he was questioned by police in his native Finland about his involvement in a cocaine ring. They may also want to question this guy:

13. A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Although, if you’re interested in other people’s fluids, may I suggest the subway. 

14. According to reports, Bronx rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. So, at least someone from New York will be there:

15. President Trump was so late to his scheduled speech at the U.N. on Tuesday, that the President of Ecuador had to take his spot. Which, I’m hoping means, that whoever the hell that guy is, is now our president.

16. This week ‘Saturday Night Live’ announced the addition of a new cast member, Ego Nwodim. So congratulations Ms. Nwodim and my condolences to SNL announcer Daryl Hammond. 

17. Chick-fil-A surprised a Florida man on his 100th birthday with free food for life. Because there’s nothing better for the heart of an elderly man who likes fried food than surprises.

18. This week, a kangaroo got loose from a Florida animal reserve and wandered the streets of a residential community. Said every Floridan, “Do you see that kangaroo too, or is the meth just really good?”

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

September 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin took a shot at President Trump saying, “it’s difficult to have a dialogue with someone who confuses Austria with Australia.” So when the two get together they usually just spoon:

2. Professional golfer Lee Slattery recently revealed that he had to watch the birth of his second child on FaceTime. Even worse, he also used FaceTime to watch the conception.

3. This week, President Trump said Hurricane Irma “looks like it could be something that will be not good.” But, on the plus side,it sounds like those flashcards are finally paying off:

4. It was announced this week that two hundred Gap and Banana Republic stores will be closing. “They really are coming after our heritage,” said white people.

5. The special counsel investigating potential ties between Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and Russia has obtained a draft of a letter that explains reasons why Trump planned to fire former FBI Director James Comey. Here’s a look at it:

6. Earlier this week, an Australian man celebrated his 30th birthday by skydiving naked while playing a violin. “My bad,” said the inventor of the parachute.

7. A cafeteria worker at a school in Florida allegedly had sex with a teenage student in the school’s kitchen. But, don’t worry, they wore protection:

8. A tea company in China has launched that is aimed at depressed Chinese millennials with beverage options ranging from “achieved-absolutely-nothing black tea”, and “my-ex’s-life-is-better-than-mine fruit tea”. Or, if you’re really feeling bad about yourself, Mountain Dew.

9. On Sunday, Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Mush took to Twitter warning that World War 3 will be brought about by artificial intelligence. But, on the plus-side, that means WW3 won’t be caused by no intelligence:

10. According to new research, during the Bronze Age, women traveled the world while men stayed at home. “So, exactly the same as today,” said Stedman.

11. A computer is being developed that rates how much pain someone is in by detecting small changes in their facial expressions. The highest rating so far was achieved at an 11:30 screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’

12. According to a report, when he dies, actor Nicolas Cage wants to be buried in a pyramid-shaped tomb. Because why should death prevent him from continuing to appear in embarrassing things:

13. Amazon on Tuesday launched Brown Sugar, a new subscription-video-on-demand service featuring what it calls the biggest collection of the “baddest” African-American movies for its prime members. “That’s bullshit, I have the market cornered on bad African-American movies,” said Tyler Perry.

14. Model Kendall Jenner and Los Angeles Clipper All-Star Blake Griffin are reportedly dating. So, I guess that settles it, Blake Griffin is black.

15. This week, a school district in Georgia apologized after a teacher banned her students from wearing Donald Trump shirts in class. That crazy story again, students in Georgia are apparently wearing shirts to school now. What’s next? Shoes?

16. Authorities seized seven live sharks and three dead ones from a pool in the basement of a New York home. Authorities suspect foul play and have a few suspects:

17. In an upcoming interview with ’60 Minutes,’ former White House strategist Steve Bannon said the media image of him is “pretty accurate.” Begging the question, he knows the media image of him is a guy who sucks his own dick, right?

18. This week, the wife of President Trump’s ethic lawyer was arrested for having sex in a car with a 23-year-old inmate. Or, as the Trump administration is trying to spin it, she was involved in prison reform.

19. A man addicted to plastic surgery claims a botched nose job left him with a permanent erection. Which, after all the botox, is the only way people know if he is happy to see them.

20. This week, the Rochester Institute of Technology gave a freshman orientation presentation that suggested masturbation as a deterrent to sexual assault. “If that’s the case, I think I have enough credits to be a senior,” said every teenage boy in the audience.

September 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally met Pope Francis after being left out during President Trump’s visit to the Vatican earlier this year. Spicer and the Pope bonded overing comparing stories of what it’s like to work for a boss who has a God complex.

2. During a press conference on Monday, President Trump mistook two different blond reporters as the same woman. “Oh, maybe it’s not just a playful jokes that he always calls me Ivanka,” said Tiffany.

3. A planned film adaptation of ‘Lord of the Flies’ is the works that will feature an all female cast. The writer got the idea for an island full of women who turn on each other after hanging out with a group of women for more than five minutes.

4. A constipated gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas underwent surgery last week. The gorilla is still constipated, but, now, has a really nice set of tits.

5. In response to President Trump’s lackluster statements in the wake of Charlottesville, James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox, said “There are no good Nazis.” Adding, “And I should know, I’ve been looking to fill that 7pm slot on Fox News for months now.”

6. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith said a work stoppage after the current collective bargaining agreement expires in 2021 is “a virtual certainty.” But just to be safe, the Jets decided to stop playing four years ago.

7. An 800-year-old sandstone coffin at a museum in Britain was damaged on Sunday after a family put a child into it for a photo and knocked off a small piece. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same reason Casey Anthony is banned from MOMA.

8. The president of the Girls Scouts of America has accused the Boy Scouts of America of trying to undercut the organization through a “covert campaign to recruit girls.” Although I wouldn’t call the neckerchief ‘covert’:

9. A Russian tanker built to crush ice in its path, completed a journey in record time from Europe to Asia. Thus marking the second time in recent history Russia defeated an icy and frigid opponent:

10. According to a new study, many older adults may mishear important medical information from their healthcare providers. So, yeah, there’s a good chance your grandmother’s doctor wasn’t saying she’s an “advanced dancer.”

11. Pigs that were saved from a fire in England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts. “They also saved us,” said the farmer’s very nervous kids.

12. Connecticut is the first state to allow judges to appoint attorneys as advocates for dogs and cats in cases of abuse and neglect. “So now I have two clients who can lick themselves,” said Steve Bannon’s lawyer.

13. On Monday, Russian gold-medal figure-skater Yulia Lipnitskaya retired from the sport at the age of 19. Or, according to Woody Allen, five years past her prime.

14. According to a new study, teens who start drinking at younger ages are more likely to have their first sexual encounter earlier than others. “Noted,” said teenage boys.

15. John Bolton, a former U.S. ambassador who at one point was a candidate to lead the State Department, claimed in an op-ed published Monday that he is no longer allowed to see President Trump. Or, as they refer to it in the Trump administration, being given ‘the Eric treatment.’

16. President Trump said he pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the middle of Hurricane Harry because he “assumed the ratings would be far higher.” So, maybe, if we can get a Sharknado going, he’ll announce his resignation.

17. Five people in South Africa were arrested this week for taking part in an alleged cannibalism ring after one man told police he was “tired of eating human flesh.” Proving once again, no one likes leftovers.

18. Last week, authorities in Saudi Arabia arrested teenage boy after he was seen publicly dancing to ‘The Macarena.’ And, since this is Saudi Arabia, I’m assuming it wasn’t at a bar-mitzvah.

19. ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham announced Wednesday that he is resigning from his role due to concerns regarding head injuries within the sport. In response, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith said, “Watermelon!”

20. Amazon and Microsoft announced on Wednesday a collaboration that will allow their respective voice assistants, Alexa and Cortana, to communicate with each other. But, so far, it’s just them talking shit about Siri.

21. According to a new study, young adults who use meth may have an increased risk of strokes. That story again, meth is bad.

22. President Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., has agreed to sit down for a transcribed interview with the Senate judiciary committee. Don Jr. agreed to the meeting after the Senate judiciary committee promised to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

23. According to a new study, women with high concentrations of common flame retardants in their urine may have a hard time getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. But, on the plus-side, if they do, fire-proof babies.

24. This weekend, an Asian-American actress on ABC’s ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ claimed that Hollywood is racist. “If that’s the case, why doesn’t Hollywood like me more?’ asked Trump.

25. Last week, the White House named Hope Hicks the interim director of communications. Well, they name her director of communications, everyone else just assumed the ‘interim’ part.