10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West released the first images of their wedding on Instagram yesterday. Although, considering the length of her previous marriage, maybe they should have gone with Snapchat.

2. After filing a complaint with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at a town hall Wednesday in Ocean County, one woman told Christie he looked a lot “smaller.” But, considering the county, I assume she meant in comparison to the ocean.

3. A new study found that men who watch a lot of pornography exhibit a notable reduction in brain activity. Which makes sense because their blood is busy elsewhere.

4. On Wednesday, FoxNews announced that actress Stacey Dash, best known for her role in 1995’s “Clueless,” will be joining the network as a contributor. It’s all part of FoxNews’ plan to change the top results when you type “FowNews” and “clueless” into Google.

5. According to White House officials, President Obama will host a conference highlighting the risks of head injuries to young athletes today. It will truly be a day some of them will never forget.

6. Russia claimed its fourth world ice hockey championship in seven years with a 5-2 win over Finland on Sunday. The Russian team celebrated by taking over the Ukrainian team’s locker room.

7. Former President George W. Bush is recovering at home after a knee replacement surgery on Saturday, an issue he’s been dealing with since his time in office. The White House hadn’t seen knees that beat up since the Lewinsky rug-burn incident of ’96.

8. On Monday, a group of pediatricians said that body-checking should be kept out of youth hockey until boys are at least 15 years old. “Which is why I got into football,” said Jerry Sandusky.

9. Secret Service police on Friday arrested a man who stripped naked outside the White House and fought with officers. It was the first time the Secret Service had to subdue a full-grown, completely naked, middle-aged man since Clinton was in office.

10. Detroit native, Jeralean Talley, the oldest person living in the U.S., turned 115 on Friday. Which is 575 in Detroit years.

May 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West released the first images of their wedding on Instagram yesterday. Although, considering the length of her previous marriage, maybe they should have gone with Snapchat.

2. After filing a complaint with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at a town hall Wednesday in Ocean County, one woman told Christie he looked a lot “smaller.” But, considering the county, I assume she meant in comparison to the ocean.

3. According to the company’s first public diversity report, Google’s staff, especially its tech workers, is weighted heavily toward white males. Begging the question, when did we start counting Indian men as white males?

4. Netflix has agreed with DreamWorks Animation to pick up two seasons of a children’s television show based on the “How to Train Your Dragon” film franchise. Or, as your kids will think of it, not “Frozen.”

5. A new study found that men who watch a lot of pornography exhibit a notable reduction in brain activity. Which makes sense because their blood is busy elsewhere.

6. Potential 2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had a private lunch with President Obama on Thursday. “What’s Michelle doing for lunch?” said Bill Clinton.

7. A new study suggests, young kids are more likely to get hurt when they are not fully supervised by an adult. Read more about it in this month’s Medical Journal of Common Fucking Sense.

8. In an upcoming HBO documentary, actor Robert De Niro reveals that his late father, painter Robert De Niro, Sr., was gay. Or, as FoxNews reported it, gay men’s insistence on sleeping with other men robbing us of our next great actor.

9. While attending the premiere of his wife’s new movie, Brad Pitt was hit in the face by a man who hopped a barrier on the red carpet. But, in a shocking twist-ending, the man who hit Pitt turned out to be Pitt all along.

10. According to the New York Times, golfer Rory McIlroy broke up with girlfriend Caroline Wozniacki during a phone call that only lasted three minutes. Looks like someone’s been taking lessons from Tiger on and off the course.

11. During Wednesday night’s Game 5 match-up in the NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals, cameras caught Pacers guard Lance Stephenson blowing in the ear of the Heat’s LeBron James. “Really?” said Jason Collins.

12. The NYPD announced Tuesday that it has receive funding to equip 20,000 officers with naloxone, a heroin antidote that can instantly reverse the effects of an overdose. So, shoot-up New York.

13. The Twitter feed of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro hit 2 million followers over the weekend. Maduro is very involved in Twitter always taking part in #ThrowbackThursdays, #FollowFridays and #DeathToAmericaEveryday.

14. A racehorse died Thursday at Churchill Downs after a freak fall that the trainer blamed on the sound of a starting gate bell blaring on the track’s new sound system. The scene left everyone in attendance in a somber mood except for the one lucky guy who bet on it.

May 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, FoxNews announced that actress Stacey Dash, best known for her role in 1995’s “Clueless,” will be joining the network as a contributor. It’s all part of FoxNews’ plan to change the top results when you type “FowNews” and “clueless” into Google.

2. According to White House officials, President Obama will host a conference highlighting the risks of head injuries to young athletes today. It will truly be a day some of them will never forget.

3. According to the New York Times, golfer Rory McIlroy broke up with girlfriend Caroline Wozniacki during a phone call that lasted three minutes. Which has to be the best possible outcome of a news story for Rory that involves him and a break up over something that last only three minutes.

4. Veteran Australian entertainer Rolf Harris told a jury on Tuesday there had been sexual chemistry between him and a woman who has accused him of sexually abusing her as a child. Which is a legal defense that is so crazy that Michael Jackson didn’t even think about using it, and he owned a pet monkey.

5. Fox announced that pop singer Justin Bieber will appear on its show “So You Think You Can Dance,” for a few episodes this upcoming season. Bieber has been brought in as an expert on the dancing, not so much the thinking.

6. Russia claimed its fourth world ice hockey championship in seven years with a 5-2 win over Finland on Sunday. The Russian team celebrated by taking over the Ukrainian team’s locker room.

7. Tuesday night, rapper 50 Cent threw out the first pitch at the Mets game and missed the catcher by more than 25 feet. The pitch was immediately labeled “the worst first pitch ever,” or, as everyone who subsequently ran into 225-pound rapper who was once shot nine times labeled it, “Great job man.”

8. Intel introduced a talking, walking robot on Wednesday made from 3-D printed parts that consumers will be able to buy and assemble later his year for $1,600. No word on how much you’ll have to pay for the Chinese kid who will assemble it for you.

9. Late last week, Tennessee became the first state to make execution by electric chair mandatory if the drugs used for lethal injection are unavailable. Of course, Tennessee will have to wait until the next thunderstorm to perform any electric chair executions to enable the kite to get hit by lightning.

10. A Texas woman claims she was forced to give birth alone in jail during a night in solitary confinement, which ultimately led to a stillborn birth. Just wondering, does that still count as solitary confinement?

May 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the Florida Supreme Court struck down the state’s requirement that a baseline “threshold” IQ score of 70 must be met before a prisoner can be executed. Which explains why no one has been executed in the state of Florida since 1964.

2. Former President George W. Bush is recovering at home after a knee replacement surgery on Saturday, an issue he’s been dealing with since his time in office. The White House hadn’t seen knees that beat up since the Lewinsky rug-burn incident of ’96.

3. Yesterday, President Obama called Ukrainian president-elect Petro Poroshenko to congratulate him on his election victory, but they just ended up talking shit about Putin for an hour.

4. On Monday, a group of pediatricians said that body-checking should be kept out of youth hockey until boys are at least 15 years old. “Which is why I got into football,” said Jerry Sandusky.

5. A 46-year-old Orlando woman has become the oldest mother in the U.S. to give birth to a healthy baby girl through in-vitro fertilization using her own eggs. Although the story is bittersweet since she won’t be able to see her daughter grow up to become a stripper.

6. First Lady Michelle Obama argued Tuesday that it’s “unacceptable” for House Republicans to consider making major changes to her 2010 child nutrition law. “Oh, you done did it now,” said Barack.

7. On Friday, the Wall Street Journal reported that Samsung is developing a smart watch that can make or receive calls without having to be connected to a mobile phone. “Finally,” said no one.

8. Detroit native, Jeralean Talley, the oldest person living in the U.S., turned 115 on Friday. Talley, an African-American woman, said she never thought she’d live to see the day a black man was elected President, and, after the past six years, wishes she hadn’t.

9. Late last week, Tennessee became the first state to make execution by electric chair mandatory if the drugs used for lethal injection are unavailable. And, considering it’s Tennessee and some the same drugs used for lethal injections are the same used to make meth, electric chair it is.

10. Late last week, Levi Strauss CEO Chip Bergh told customers that to get the perfect fit and look it’s best to not wash their jeans. “Way ahead of you,” said men.

May 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married on Saturday in Florence. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house, except for Bruce Jenner who is no longer physically able to cry.

2. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married on Saturday in Florence. Kanye said he cannot wait for the honeymoon so he can spend some quality time with his favorite person in the world, no word on whether Kim will be there as well.

3. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married on Saturday in Florence. Kim is registered at “Wed, Cash and Be Gone.”

4. Secret Service police on Friday arrested a man who stripped naked outside the White House and fought with officers. It was the first time the Secret Service had to subdue a full-grown, completely naked, middle-aged man since Clinton was in office.

5. Detroit native, Jeralean Talley, the oldest person living in the U.S., turned 115 on Friday. Which is 575 in Detroit years.

6. A racehorse died Thursday at Churchill Downs after a freak fall that the trainer blamed on the sound of a starting gate bell blaring on the track’s new sound system. Then three more horses died due to the startling sound of the gunshot.

7. On Sunday, Ukraine elected Petro Poroshenko, a billionaire chocolate manufacturer, as its new president. As a result, Chris Christie has announced he will not run for President in 2016, but instead seek the position of Ukrainian Ambassador.

8. On Sunday, the tiny Spanish town of Catrillo Matajudios, which translates in English to “Kill Jews Fort,” voted in favor of changing its name. Now comes the hard part, finding a lawyer to help with the name change,

9. A New York Jets fan paid $820 for the jersey Mark Sanchez wore during the infamous “Butt Fumble” play in 2012. So now there is exactly one acceptable reason for owning a Mark Sanchez jersey.

10. Pope Francis on Monday said he believed that Roman Catholic priests should be celibate, but the rule was not an unchangeable dogma. Sounds like someone just hasn’t met the right altar boy yet.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A New York Police Department officer, a New York paramedic, a rabbi and a scoutmaster were among 74 people arrested in a major child porn bust on Wednesday. That story again, a child pornography sting caught 73 men with surprising jobs and a scoutmaster.

2. Roman Catholic nuns backed by Pope Francis on Tuesday raised the alarm over increased risks of forced prostitution and sexual tourism at the soccer World Cup in Brazil next month. But, on the downside, they’re playing soccer there as well.

3. According to a new study, highly-trained dogs are able to detect prostate cancer in urine with 98 percent accuracy. Although it seems inappropriate that the dogs tell the doctors they’ve detected prostate cancer by playing dead.

4. According to a new study, highly-trained dogs are able to detect prostate cancer in urine with 98 percent accuracy. Unfortunately, the remaining 2 percent just let a strange dog watch them pee for no reason.

5. Twenty-six women who say they are in love with Roman Catholic priests have written to Pope Francis urging him to make celibacy optional. Although I think the letters would have been more persuasive if they hadn’t included the phrase “cock block.”

6. Twenty-six women who say they are in love with Roman Catholic priests have written to Pope Francis urging him to make celibacy optional. While letters begging the Pope to keep the celibacy rule in place have poured in by the thousands, mostly from altar boys.

7. The lead singer of a heavy metal Christian rock band was sentenced on Friday to six years in prison for pleading guilty to trying to hire a hit man to kill his wife. But the great thing about being in a heavy metal Christian rock band is that even if you murder your wife, it will still only be the second worst thing you’ve ever done.

8. As a result of the hotel elevator surveillance video being released, Jay-Z and Solange Knowles released a joint statement in which they both took responsibility for the incident and said they would use it as a learning experience. I, as well have used it as a learning experience, for instance, I learned that Solange’s first name is not “Beyonce’s younger sister Solange.”

9. According to a new study, Britain’s wealthiest people are richer than ever, with a combined fortune of $874 billion. Most credit their affluence to hard work, wise investing and never spending any money on dental work.

10. Former President George W. Bush and his wife Laura are mourning the death of their beloved pet dog, Miss Beazley. Well, Laura is mourning, George thinks she went to live on a farm upstate.

May 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two U.S. food companies have issued recalls for walnuts and hummus after a listeria outbreak. That story again, it’s the end of the world for white people.

2. Two U.S. food companies have issued recalls for walnuts and hummus after a listeria outbreak. Experts believe the contamination resulted from uncooked and unwashed product, but I choose to believe it’s just vegans finally getting what they deserve.

3. A new study suggests, people who engage in plenty of light movement have a lower risk of developing a disability later in life. This comes as great news to the guy I always end up behind on the escalator.

4. According to Christie’s, a Stradivarius violin forgotten in a closet for decades could sell for as much as $10 million at auction. “See, things only become more valuable the longer they stay in the closet,” said Queen Latifah.

5. One day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, GM has announced that it’s recalling an additional 218,000 cars. Bringing the grand total of recalled vehicles to all the vehicles.

6. A cat in New Zealand reportedly brought home a bag of marijuana and left it on its owner’s doorstep. Said the owner, “I didn’t know you were in this type of stuff, Mr. Whiskers. We could have been partying years ago.”

7. A drunk-driving British man was able to escape a breathalyzer test by repeatedly punching himself in the face until his self-inflicted wounds made it impossible to get a successful reading. The man was able to avoid the DUI charge but was booked for assault.

8. An off-duty Philadelphia police lieutenant was removed from the force after being charged with masturbating inside a Starbucks. But, in his defense, we’ve all been to Starbucks and they don’t have the most attentive baristas, so if you want a latte sometimes you have to service yourself.

9. Yesterday a group of 50 Brooklyn school kids gave an impromptu recorder recital on the subway during morning rush hour. The feat netted two world records: most recorders played on the subway at once and the farthest a recorder has been shoved up a kid’s ass.

10. The stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” are reportedly considering having a 20th child. Which seems like a bad idea, especially to the 17th, 18th and 19th kids who have to share a bedroom with the parents.

11. The stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” are reportedly considering having a 20th child. Good Lord! Even the Holland Tunnel has to shut down for maintenance every once and a while.

12. On Thursday, lawyers for O.J. Simpson requested a new trial for the former NFL star in an attempt to have his 2008 armed-robbery conviction overturned. Said the judge, “You know that’s not what he’s really in here for, right?”

13. Two New York City fourth-graders were arrested Tuesday after allegedly putting rat poison in their teacher’s water bottle. As a result, school officials are questioning whether Peanut, the class hamster, really died from natural causes.

14. In an interview with “People” magazine, Tiger Woods’s ex-wife Elin Nordegren called her ex-husband a “great father.” But, then again, we already knew Woods loved it when people called him “daddy.”

15. Israel issued restraining orders against several Jewish right-wing activists on Wednesday, restricting their movement over concerns that they could try to disrupt the Pope’s upcoming visit to the Holy Land. Said Pope Francis, “While we’re at it, I have a few psycho ex-girlfriends…”

16. A Russian tycoon whose estranged wife won a $4.5 billion divorce ruling earlier this week will appeal the judgment and as a result many expect the case to take at least another ten years to be resolved. Which will give the hitman plenty of time.

17. Recently Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said his country should embrace the internet rather than see it as a threat. Which, I can only assume, means Rouhani hasn’t seen “2 Girls, 1 Cup.”

18. According to the results of a study that explored the genetic resemblance of married couples, people tend to choose spouses who have similar DNA. “Ah, yeah,” said West Virginia.

19. Tara, the California cat that became a YouTube sensation after being caught on video saving a boy from a dog attack, has been invited to throw out the first pitch at a minor league baseball game. And, in keeping with the theme of famous internet felines, keyboard cat will be playing the organ.

20. A senior member of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s government hinted on Saturday that Israel was involved in back-channel contacts with Palestinian officials despite the collapse of US-backed peace negotiations. “Hey, what are you two whispering about?” said John Kerry.

May 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Six people who were arrested in Iran for dancing in a YouTube video to Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy” have been freed. So please, no one show Iran the “Blurred Lines” video.

2. A New York Police Department officer, a New York paramedic, a rabbi and a scoutmaster were among 74 people arrested in a major child porn bust on Wednesday. That story again, a child pornography sting caught 73 men with surprising jobs and a scoutmaster.

3. A New York Police Department officer, a New York paramedic, a rabbi and a scoutmaster were among 74 people arrested on a major child porn bust on Wednesday. “Wait, so there wasn’t really a modeling merit badge?” said one confused boy scout.

4. A new report in the U.K. is claiming there’s been a rise in women getting plastic surgery on their hands to take better pictures of their engagement rings, just in case the potential groom hadn’t noticed enough red flags already.

5. According to a new study, workers exposed to solvents on the job may experience memory and thinking problems later in life. But, if you have to work a job where you’re surrounded by solvents all day, I’m willing to bet you weren’t a great thinker to begin with.

6. The Spanish village of Castrillo Matajudios, which translates in English to “Kill Jews Fort,” will vote on Sunday on whether it should change its name. So far the two leading name-change candidates are “Tranquility Fort” and, as suggested by new town resident Mel Gibson, “Kill All Jews Fort.”

7. A new art installation at a popular Norway park allows visitors to observe 80 people in a “human zoo.” Or, as it is known over here, the DMV.

8. During an address to graduates at Yale on Sunday, Secretary of State John Kerry made a crack about Clippers owner Donald Sterling saying that the diverse graduating class was the owner’s “worst nightmare.” While my worst nightmare remains being forced to listen to John Kerry drone on about God-knows-what for over two hours.

9. A woman named Payton Manning was arrested last week in Memphis on charges of cocaine possession. The woman’s younger sister Eli was able to beat the charges after police found that she wasn’t able to maintain possession of anything.

10. Maine wildlife officials are pressing charges against a local fisherman for possessing hundreds of undersized lobsters. Officials said they are grateful for the outpouring of local residents who stepped forward eager to adopt and take home lobsters.

May 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A federal judge struck down Pennsylvania’s ban on same-sex marriage on Thursday. As a result, Philadelphia’s nickname, the city of brotherly love, remains unchanged.

2. Some experts say North Korea may be closer than previously thought to putting a nuclear warhead on a missile. The last step is finding someone in North Korea tall enough to place the warhead atop the missile.

3. A new study found teens with chronic diseases who were allowed to text their doctors were better equipped to manage their own healthcare. Unless, of course, their doctor was Brett Favre.

4. A new study found teens with chronic diseases who were allowed to text their doctors were better equipped to manage their own healthcare. Because it’s much easier to take the news when a winky-smiley face accompanies “it’s terminal.”

5. Yesterday, the NFL awarded the 52nd Super Bowl, to be played in 2018, to Minneapolis. Amazingly, the Vikings are already mathematically eliminated.

6. According to a survey published on Tuesday, Paris has fallen five notches behind London in terms of overall attractiveness. Although, when London smiles, Paris pulls ahead again.

7. Roman Catholic nuns backed by Pope Francis on Tuesday raised the alarm over increased risks of forced prostitution and sexual tourism at the soccer World Cup in Brazil next month. But, on the downside, they’re playing soccer there as well.

8. A new report in the U.K. is claiming there’s been a rise in women getting plastic surgery on their hands to take better pictures of their engagement rings. Which is weird because you’d think after they get married the ones who would be spending more time with their hand and thus care about its appearance would be the husbands.

9. According to a new study, highly-trained dogs are able to detect prostate cancer in urine with 98 percent accuracy. Although it seems inappropriate that the dogs tell the doctors they’ve detected prostate cancer by playing dead.

10. According to a new report, seatbelts and airbags are not only good at protecting a person’s head and chest during a car crash, but their kidneys as well. Which is great news for those people on the top of the organ donation list.

May 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Bolivian President Evo Morales has signed a contract with a Bolivian soccer club to play with the team. “What a great idea,” said President Obama, loudly, to no one, as he loitered outside the Chicago Bulls locker room.

2. According to a new study, highly-trained dogs are able to detect prostate cancer with 98 percent accuracy. Admittedly the procedure is quite intrusive, but at least they have wet noses.

3. According to a new study, highly-trained dogs are able to detect prostate cancer in urine with 98 percent accuracy. Unfortunately, the remaining 2 percent just let a strange dog watch them pee for no reason.

4. According to the results of a study that explored the genetic resemblance of married couples, people tend to choose spouses who have similar DNA. Which is why Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s marriage should last, because Kayne’s DNA has to be a match with at least some of the DNA that is in or on Kim.

5. A Connecticut college dropout was arrested Sunday after admitting to calling two bomb threats during a graduation ceremony to keep her family from learning that she had quit school. But, on the plus side, she got her wish, her family is no longer mad about her dropping-out.

6. Twenty-six women who say they are in love with Roman Catholic priests have written to Pope Francis urging him to make celibacy optional. Although I think the letters would have been more persuasive if they hadn’t included the phrase “cock block.”

7. Twenty-six women who say they are in love with Roman Catholic priests have written to Pope Francis urging him to make celibacy optional. While letters begging the Pope to keep the celibacy rule in place have poured in by the thousands, mostly from altar boys.

8. Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis was arrested on Friday on misdemeanor assault charges and spent the night in jail. The night was typical of most of Francis’s Friday nights except this time he was the little spoon.

9. According to a New York Times report, college students are now requesting “trigger warnings” from professors, which are alerts that the material they are assigned to read might be upsetting. What has this world come to that college students are actually doing the assigned readings?

10. On Sunday, Mitt Romney called on 82-year-old Wolfeboro, New Hampshire police commissioner Robert Copeland to resign after using the n-word to describe Barack Obama. First President Obama, now Al Sharpton, is Mitt Romney trying to take every black man in America’s job?