1. Two U.S. food companies have issued recalls for walnuts and hummus after a listeria outbreak. That story again, it’s the end of the world for white people.
2. Two U.S. food companies have issued recalls for walnuts and hummus after a listeria outbreak. Experts believe the contamination resulted from uncooked and unwashed product, but I choose to believe it’s just vegans finally getting what they deserve.
3. A new study suggests, people who engage in plenty of light movement have a lower risk of developing a disability later in life. This comes as great news to the guy I always end up behind on the escalator.
4. According to Christie’s, a Stradivarius violin forgotten in a closet for decades could sell for as much as $10 million at auction. “See, things only become more valuable the longer they stay in the closet,” said Queen Latifah.
5. One day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, GM has announced that it’s recalling an additional 218,000 cars. Bringing the grand total of recalled vehicles to all the vehicles.
6. A cat in New Zealand reportedly brought home a bag of marijuana and left it on its owner’s doorstep. Said the owner, “I didn’t know you were in this type of stuff, Mr. Whiskers. We could have been partying years ago.”
7. A drunk-driving British man was able to escape a breathalyzer test by repeatedly punching himself in the face until his self-inflicted wounds made it impossible to get a successful reading. The man was able to avoid the DUI charge but was booked for assault.
8. An off-duty Philadelphia police lieutenant was removed from the force after being charged with masturbating inside a Starbucks. But, in his defense, we’ve all been to Starbucks and they don’t have the most attentive baristas, so if you want a latte sometimes you have to service yourself.
9. Yesterday a group of 50 Brooklyn school kids gave an impromptu recorder recital on the subway during morning rush hour. The feat netted two world records: most recorders played on the subway at once and the farthest a recorder has been shoved up a kid’s ass.
10. The stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” are reportedly considering having a 20th child. Which seems like a bad idea, especially to the 17th, 18th and 19th kids who have to share a bedroom with the parents.
11. The stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” are reportedly considering having a 20th child. Good Lord! Even the Holland Tunnel has to shut down for maintenance every once and a while.
12. On Thursday, lawyers for O.J. Simpson requested a new trial for the former NFL star in an attempt to have his 2008 armed-robbery conviction overturned. Said the judge, “You know that’s not what he’s really in here for, right?”
13. Two New York City fourth-graders were arrested Tuesday after allegedly putting rat poison in their teacher’s water bottle. As a result, school officials are questioning whether Peanut, the class hamster, really died from natural causes.
14. In an interview with “People” magazine, Tiger Woods’s ex-wife Elin Nordegren called her ex-husband a “great father.” But, then again, we already knew Woods loved it when people called him “daddy.”
15. Israel issued restraining orders against several Jewish right-wing activists on Wednesday, restricting their movement over concerns that they could try to disrupt the Pope’s upcoming visit to the Holy Land. Said Pope Francis, “While we’re at it, I have a few psycho ex-girlfriends…”
16. A Russian tycoon whose estranged wife won a $4.5 billion divorce ruling earlier this week will appeal the judgment and as a result many expect the case to take at least another ten years to be resolved. Which will give the hitman plenty of time.
17. Recently Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said his country should embrace the internet rather than see it as a threat. Which, I can only assume, means Rouhani hasn’t seen “2 Girls, 1 Cup.”
18. According to the results of a study that explored the genetic resemblance of married couples, people tend to choose spouses who have similar DNA. “Ah, yeah,” said West Virginia.
19. Tara, the California cat that became a YouTube sensation after being caught on video saving a boy from a dog attack, has been invited to throw out the first pitch at a minor league baseball game. And, in keeping with the theme of famous internet felines, keyboard cat will be playing the organ.
20. A senior member of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s government hinted on Saturday that Israel was involved in back-channel contacts with Palestinian officials despite the collapse of US-backed peace negotiations. “Hey, what are you two whispering about?” said John Kerry.