April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

April 13, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The White House announced that for the second year in a row, President Trump will skip the Correspondents Dinner. And, for the 40th year in a row he will skip Don Jr.’s birthday dinner:

2. A man who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight last week, ordered another drink with the knife still in his back. And despite having a fucking knife in his back, it still took him a good twenty minutes to get the bartender’s attention.

3. A sperm bank in Beijing has set strict criteria for would-be donors, including a requirement that they pledge their loyalty to China’s ruling Communist Party. Luckily you only need one hand to take a pledge.

4. On Monday, FBI agents raided President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen’s offices located at Rockefeller Center in New York City. In response, workers started putting up the tree because it feels like Christmas came early this year:

5. Experts are speculating as to how North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would travel to potential summit with President Trump due to North Korea’s lack of modern aircraft that can reliably fly across oceans. “Here’s a solution, hold the summit in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,” said Malaysian Airlines.

6. Voice actor Chuck McCann, best known as the voice behind the “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” bird, died on Monday at the age of 83. And I gotta say, if the best thing I’m known for when I die is voicing a cereal mascot, maybe just say you probably don’t know this guy.

7. Dino Sajudin, a former doorman at a Trump building, confirmed reports that the National Enquirer paid Sajudin $30,000 to prevent him from publicizing a rumor that Donald Trump fathered a child out of wedlock. Said Trump, “Oh, please, let it be Eric”:

8. This week, a turtle that breaths through its genital was added to the endangered species list. Making that two slimy reptiles whose genitals apparently need a lot of air that are now endangered:

9. Uber on Tuesday unveiled a new app for its drivers that includes a real-time earnings tracker. Because the one thing I want from my Uber driver is for them to be on their phone more.

10. This week, a former aspiring model confronted Bill Cosby at his retrial after testified against him saying, “You remember, don’t you Mr. Cosby?” Said Cosby, “I remember, but I’m surprised you do, I gave you a lot of drugs.”

11. Brothers Erik and Lyle Menendez, who were convicted in 1989 of murdering their parents, are together again and housed at the same California state prison. Erik and Lyle said being together again makes them reminiscent of old times and sad that they don’t have any more parents to kill together.

12. On Monday, the FBI raided the offices of President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen, seizing records relating to payments made to pornographic-film actress Stormy Daniels. “He should have hid that stuff underneath his mattress,” said every 15 year old boy.

13. Vietnam’s culture ministry has issued a directive against “inappropriate” statues after images of godlike sculptures with animal heads and human genitalia stoked controversy. Censoring statues seems crazy, but Vietnam may have a point:

14. On Monday, at Bill Cosby’s new trial, a woman protested topless. Cosby was shocked to see a woman topless woman who was also conscious.

15. Over the weekend, comedian Seth Meyer’s wife gave birth to the couple’s second child in the lobby of their New York City apartment building. Which is still not the worst planned entry someone has made into a NYC lobby in the past few years:

16. Over the weekend, comedian Seth Meyer’s wife gave birth to the couple’s second child in the lobby of their New York City apartment building. And, because it happened in the lobby, the doorman signed for the delivery.

17. On Tuesday, actor T.J. Miller, star of ‘The Emoji Movie,’ was arrested after allegedly calling in a bomb threat from an Amtrak train. Being attached to a bomb is something Miller will always carry with him and also the train thing isn’t good either.

18. Scientists have determined that a dead whale that washed ashore in the Mediterranean Sea died because it consumed 64 pounds of trash. Or, as it’s known at Arby’s, a number 2.

19. According to ‘The New York Post,’ women are lining up to date newly single, former-mayor Rudy Giuliani. That story again, Rudy Giuliani is now writing for ‘The New York Post.’

20. The Miami Marlins, who lost to the New York Mets on Wednesday night, had less fans in attendance than by their Double-A affiliate, the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. ‘Jumbo Shrimp’ is an oxymoron much like ‘Marlins fan.’

April 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump continued his attacks against Amazon this week, accusing the company of scamming the US Postal Service. Trump’s also not a big fan of forever stamps, or, as he calls them, three and a half years stamps:

2. This week, Stormy Daniel’s lawyer said his client can describe the president’s genitalia in “great detail.” “That would be really helpful because I haven’t been able to see it for years,” said Trump.

3. According to a new study, female cyclists who participated in high-intensity rides reported improved sexual functions. That story again, make sure to wipe down the seat before you use a Citi bike:

4. President Trump delivered a speech at the annual White House Easter egg roll on Monday while standing beside First Lady Melania and an Easter bunny. So now Trump has made speeches next to a tortoise and a hare:

5. A shoe company has introduced a Dunkin Donuts-themed running sneaker. So if you like Dunkin Donuts and you like running, you’re lying about the running part.

6. Last weekend, 80’s sitcom star Roseanne Barr tweeted her support for a right-wing conspiracy theory involving child slaves. Not to be outdone, Urkel still believes in Pizzagate:

7. On Monday, President Trump announced his intention to nominate Justin Muzinich, an aide to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, to be the deputy secretary of the Treasury. Or, more likely he just forgot Steve Mnuchin’s name.

8. A Russian-made drone on its way to making a first parcel delivery crashed into a wall and crumbled to pieces in the Siberia on Monday. Or, as UPS refers to it, a successful delivery:

9. More than 200 instruments belonging to rock band Linkin Park are being sold to raise money for charity. Although, if you really want to do something good for the world, you’d take away Nickelback’s instruments.

10. President Trump, in his first public remarks about an allegedly affair with an adult film star, said on Thursday he did not know about a $130,000 payment made by his lawyer to actress Stormy Daniels. But, added Trump, “Considering how many times I nailed her, that seems like a pretty good price.”

11. President Trump asserted Thursday that women from Central America are raped at “levels that nobody has ever seen before.” “Seen, no, but I have heard about such a thing,” said Billy Bush.

12. Rescuers in California on Monday rescued a 13-year-old boy who was stuck in a drainage pipe for 12 hours. And, in an unrelated story, Jerry Sandusky has been seen hanging around plumbing stores.