November 27, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin showed up fifty minutes late to a scheduled meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. Said the Pope, “Do you believe this fucking guy?”

2. A man who worked as a Santa Claus in a Massachusetts shopping mall has been ordered not to put on the red suit until a court resolves a charge that he groped an adult co-worker over the weekend. But, in the man’s defense, she was sending him all the signals; She sat on his lap and called herself “a good girl.”

3. On Tuesday, MSNBC announced that it had cancelled Alec Baldwin’s late night talk show. Baldwin reportedly took the news well and was gracious … Just kidding, he called everyone the n-word and spit on a few people as he stormed out.

4. Court documents filed on Monday show a recent search of the house of George Zimmerman’s girlfriend uncovered five weapons and more than 100 rounds of ammunition. So for this Thanksgiving, she should just be thankful she’s alive.

5. Pope Francis on Tuesday called for big changes in the Roman Catholic Church, saying the church needs to rethink old rules and customs that are no longer understood or effective. So get ready for casual Fridays.

6. Arnon Milchan, producer of such Hollywood films as “Pretty Woman” and “Fight Club,” confirmed on Tuesday that he was an Israeli secret spy who helped developed the country’s nuclear program. Looks like someone forgot the first rule.

7. On Tuesday, O.J. Simpson lost his latest legal fight as a Nevada judge upheld his conviction on kidnapping, armed robbery and other charges. Which begs the question, while O.J.’s locked-up, who’s gonna look for Nicole’s killer?

8. On Tuesday, O.J. Simpson lost his latest legal fight as a Nevada judge upheld his conviction on kidnapping, armed robbery and other charges. Although it seemed very un-judge-like to use air-quotations and wink when mentioning the “other charges.”

9. According to the government’s National Survey on Drug Use and Health, about 1 in 6 unemployed workers are addicted to alcohol or drugs. While the over five are working on it.

10. The Republican Party of Florida called on Republican Congressman Trey Radel on Monday to resign after he pleaded guilty last week to misdemeanor cocaine possession. Said a representative for the party, “Mr. Radel no longer properly represents his constituency. The average Republican from Florida would have had much more cocaine and never would have pled guilty.”

November 26, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Gamblers across New Jersey can start placing bets online now after state regulators on Monday approved 13 internet gaming websites. “Yeah, start,” said most New Jerseyians.

2. Greece has set up its first “drug consumption” rooms to contain a surge of infectious diseases among drug addicts. Greece officials say they got the idea by visiting an American Starbucks bathroom.

3. According to a recently released study, men most often regret not having sex with more people whole women frequently regret having sex the wrong partner. Which has led me to my newest pick-up line: Whether we have sex or not, one of us is gonna regret it. 

4. The FDA said it was looking into whether the morning-after pill fails to work in women over a certain weight. Said men, “Don’t worry, those extra 20 pounds should do the trick.”

5. On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a law banning advertisements for abortion. So, if you love in Russia and want to see a convincing argument for abortion, you’ll have to wait until Justin Bieber’s tour rolls back around. 

6. Ten former players have filed a class action lawsuit against the NHL, claiming the league did not do enough to prevent concussions. Said one of the players, “Salami!”

7. Thousands of horse-lovers paraded their animals through central Paris on Sunday in a protest against a planned sales tax rise they say will put riding centers out of business. A horse-related event hasn’t gotten this much attention in France since the Paris premiere of the movie co-starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Hillary Swank.

8. According to a new report, the beloved tiger made famous by his role as Richard Parker in “Life of Pi” almost drowned while on set. Or maybe he’s just a method actor. 

9. Yesterday, “Entertainment Weekly” named actress Sandra Bullock 2013’s entertainer of the year. “You might be entertained now. But trust me, you’ll lose interest soon,” said Jesse James. 

10. A spokesperson for House Speaker John Boehner confirmed that the top Republican leading the charge against Obamacare is now signed up for it and will take thousands of dollars in government support to help with its cost. Well if that’s not the pot calling the kettle orange. 

November 25, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Serial killer Charles Manson, who is in jail for life, is set to marry his 25-year-old girlfriend. Word of advice, maybe skip the “til death do you part line,” let’s not give him any ideas.

2. Irene McCormack Jackson, the one-time communications director for now-disgraced former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, wants $1.5 million in damages for being subjected to the offensive behavior that led to his resignation. Filner said he would be happy to pay as long as he can do so in person, in singles, as “Pour Some Sugar On Me” plays in the background.

3. Twitter said it has implemented a security technology that makes it harder to spy on its users and called on other internet firms to do so as well. “Good, I don’t want people knowing everything that I’m doing,” said no Twitter users.

4. According to a new study, frequent Tylenol use in pregnant mothers may be linked to poorer language and behavior problems among their children. Especially if those expectant mothers use a jack and coke to wash the pills down.

5. A new study suggests, older men who spend several hours walking each day are less likely to have a stroke than their peers who rarely walk. Although, if you live in Detriot, it’s still much better for your health to stay indoors at all times.

6. Sporting KC beat the Houston Dynamo 2-1 on Saturday to win the Eastern Conference title and punch their ticket to the Major League Soccer Cup final. Or, as the typical American sports fans things of it, “Shhhh, the NFL is on.”

7. A Yemeni wedding ended in disaster after a guest firing celebratory shots in the air with his AK-47 accidentally killed two men while they were dancing to the pop hit “Gangnam Style.” Unfortunately, neither was of the men was Psy.

8. A Yemeni wedding ended in disaster after a guest firing celebratory shots in the air with his AK-47 accidentally killed two men while they were dancing to the pop hit “Gangnam Style.” But I don’t know what you expected when you invited George Zimmerman to your wedding.

9. A Yemeni wedding ended in disaster after a guest firing celebratory shots in the air with his AK-47 accidentally killed two men while they were dancing to the pop hit “Gangnam Style.” I don’t know much about the two men, but it sounds like it was justifiable hmoicide.

10. After centuries buried beneath the Vatican, the bones of a man long believed to be St. Peter are on display for the first time in a roped-off zone in St. Peter’s Square. Although, if an Italian priest invites you to “the bone zone,” you should probably turn it down just to be safe.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to reports, singer Chris Brown was booted from a rehab facility this month after smashing his mother’s car window during a family session. But, in his defense, you’d flip-out if you saw Chris Brown staring back at you when you looked in a car window, too.
 
2. On Wednesday, Google announced it will offer a prepaid debit card that will allow consumers to purchase goods and use ATMs. Google figured it was the next logical step since they already have all your banking information anyway.
 
3. A new study finds the likelihood of a woman remaining childless at age 35 increases with each year spent in a temporary work position. So sleeping with your boss may be the answer to all your problems.
 
4. For environmental reasons, the Bill Gates Foundation has proposed making condoms out of beef. So, no, that’s not hollandaise sauce.
 
5. Yesterday, singer Kelly Clarkson announced via Twitter that she is pregnant with her first child. “I knew she looked pregnant,” said fans three years ago.
 
6. On Tuesday, Forbes Magazine named Madonna as the highest-paid musician of 2013. Proving, just like Michael Jackson, some singers make more money once they’re dead. What? Really? Well, she looks terrible.
 
7. According to the Wall Street Journal, the Broadway musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” will close in January. So, come January, if you want to see a guy dressed in tights, dance around and shoot a sticky white substance from his body in New York, you’ll have to head down to Chelsea.
 
8. President Barack Obama will be joined by former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Wednesday in a wreath-laying ceremony at JFK’s grave commemorating the 50th anniversary of his assassination. The ceremony will mark the first time in over ten years that Bill and Hillary will get laid together.
 
9. An Alabama man lost his fight on Friday to keep his wife buried in the front yard of the home they shared for decades. Hey police, maybe check out his backyard too, just to be safe.
 
10. A custom-made neon-green wheelchair stolen from a 9-year-old Cleveland boy was returned anonymously to a police station last week. Police returned the wheelchair to the boy, who was right where they left him.

November 22, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, singer Chris Brown was booted from a rehab facility this month after smashing his mother’s car window during a family session. So, he’s cured?

2. According to reports, singer Chris Brown was booted from a rehab facility this month after smashing his mother’s car window during a family session. But, in his defense, you’d flip-out if you saw Chris Brown staring back at you when you looked in a car window, too.

3. Gillette announced Thursday that it would auction off two hair balls, formerly the beards of World Series MVP David Ortiz and Red Sox teammate Shane Victorino. Gillette says they are the perfect gift for the Yankee fan who wants to put that personal touch on his voodoo dolls.

4. A new study suggests, being in good physical shape may help preserve people’s thinking and memory skills. So great news America, we’re no longer fat and stupid, now we’re just fat and forgetful.

5. A poll released on Thursday showed an overwhelming majority of Floridians would support legalizing marijuana for medical purposes in the Sunshine State. Although it is a little suspicious that everyone who took the poll winked and used air-quotes when they said “medical purpose.”

6. A broken heart and a graffiti-covered car door will be the first two pieces from street artist Banksy’s New York series to go up for public sale next month. So if you’re in the market for a graffiti-covered car door, why?

7. Actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s conservation foundation has awarded a $3 million grant to the World Wildlife Foundation to help Nepal increase its tiger population. $3 million? That’s a lot of tiger lube.

8. In a recent interview, singer Justin Bieber said he “is happy with the man he is becoming.” I don’t know about man? Chaz Bono is a more convincing man.

9. This week, People Magazine named singer Adam Levine as the “Sexiest Man Alive.” So I guess it’s safe to assume the editors at People watch “the Voice” on mute.

10. George P. Bush, son of Jeb Bush and nephew of former President George W. Bush, has filed the necessary paperwork to run for state office in Texas. Begging the question, how uncreative is this family when it comes to naming kids. I don’t know, fuck it, name him George again.

11. A Massachusetts high school football team canceled the rest of its season after someone scrawled a racial epithet on the home of one of its players. Said one Jacksonville Jaguars fan, “That’s all it takes for a team to stop playing? Do you know where I can get a can of spray paint? And, follow-up question, do you know where any Jaguar players live?”

12. According to new research, cigarette smokers over 65 years old who quit may be able to reduce their risk of dying from heart-related problems to levels of those who never smoked. So, if you’re under 65, keep smoking, I guess.

November 21, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said Barack sings all the time around the White House. Mainly, because it helps to drown out the sound of the boos.

2. During an interview with Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, former President George W. Bush joked that he’s happy he’s not president now. Right back at you, buddy.

3. Yesterday, President Obama awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to 16 people, including former President Bill Clinton, talk show host Oprah Winfrey and 14 other people no one cares about.

4. Facing criticism for his approach to Hawaii’s homeless problem, state lawmaker Tom Brower says he has put away the sledgehammer he was using to smash stolen or abandoned shopping carts used by many homeless to carry their belongings. Those who saw him in the act called it “barbaric,” “unnecessary” and “funnier than Gallagher.”

5. On Wednesday, Google announced it will offer a prepaid debit card that will allow consumers to purchase goods and use ATMs. Google figured it was the next logical step since they already have all your banking information anyway.

6. A new study finds the likelihood of a woman remaining childless at age 35 increases with each year spent in a temporary work position. So sleeping with your boss may be the answer to all your problems.

7. A Los Angeles judge on Wednesday ordered Chris Brown to complete a 90-day substance abuse and anger management program. The judge is survived by his wife and two kids.

8. For environmental reasons, the Bill Gates Foundation has proposed making condoms out of beef. So, no, that’s not hollandaise sauce.

9. Clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch announced plans to offer larger plus sizes for its customers. The new plus sizes will be identical in every way to the small size items except that instead of bearing the iconic “A&F” logo all plus-sized items will be emblazoned with the word “Gap.”

10. According to new research, participating in sports raises the chances adolescents will abuse alcohol. Especially if they play for the Cubs.

November 20, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding all ten contained cocaine residue. Everyone’s doing coke off their iPads now, get with the times Belgium.

2. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding a copy of S&M themed novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” tested positive for herpes. Begging the question, have I been doing this whole reading thing wrong this whole time?

3. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding a copy of S&M themed novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” tested positive for herpes. It’s all part of Belgium’s “Read to Conceive” campaign.

4. Yesterday, singer Kelly Clarkson announced via Twitter that she is pregnant with her first child. “I knew she looked pregnant,” said fans three years ago.

5. On Tuesday, Forbes Magazine named Madonna as the highest-paid musician of 2013. Proving, just like Michael Jackson, some singers make more money once they’re dead. What? Really? Well, she looks terrible.

6. Yesterday, Kanye West debuted his new music video showcasing his fiancée Kim Kardashian riding a motorcycle, semi-nude. Those who have seen it, say it is their second favorite video featuring Kim.

7. Starbucks failed to persuade a federal appeals court to stop a small, family-owned New Hampshire shop from selling coffee known as “Charbucks.” Experts say this ruling now opens up a legal avenue for Star Jones to release her sex tape entitled “Star F@©ks,”

8. MSNBC has suspended Alec Baldwin’s new talk show for two weeks after only three shows in response to the actor’s use of gay slurs. So if you had three shows in your “How Long Until Alec Baldwin Gets Suspended” office pool, you win.

9. The Hollywood film industry recognized Angelina Jolie on Saturday with a humanitarian award for her work with refugees and advocating for human rights throughout her career. Rob Schneider was also recognized for his humanitarian efforts for easing the pain in the world by agreeing to not make another movie.

10. On Friday, the editorial board of a Pennsylvania newspaper retracted a very old op-ed piece that panned President Abraham Lincoln’s iconic Gettysburg Address as “silly remarks.” The newspaper also apologized for their review of “Our American Cousin,” the play Lincoln attended two years later, which they called “a delight.”

November 19, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. George Zimmerman, who was acquitted this summer in the shooting of Trayvon Martin, was arrested in Florida after he allegedly pointed a shotgun at his girlfriend during a domestic dispute. I am not one to take domestic violence lightly, but it’s hard to feel bad for a girl who thought it was a good idea to date George Zimmerman.

2. George Zimmerman was arrested yesterday after a domestic disturbance was reported from his residence and the policeman who drew the shortest straw showed-up.

3. Yesterday Google announced that it will no longer allow users to search for child pornography on their site. Does “Bing” have one “g” or two?

4. A lion at the Dallas Zoo bit and killed a lioness in their exhibit as visitors watched Saturday in an attack officials said they could not explain. But, as a precautionary measure, the officials have removed all Chris Brown songs from the Zoo sound-system.

5. A lion at the Dallas Zoo bit and killed a lioness in their exhibit as visitors watched Saturday. Experts say it is likely the lioness just forgot the safe word.

6. A lion at the Dallas Zoo bit and killed a lioness in their exhibit as visitors watched Saturday in an attack officials said they could not explain. But, if I know my animals, a peppy meerkat and a slow-witted warthog will show up to lighten the mood.

7. Comedian Russell Brand was denied entry into South Africa yesterday, forcing him to cancel four shows. Asked about the reasoning behind the denial, one high-ranking South African executive said, “After over forty years of apartheid, hasn’t this country suffered enough.”

8. A Division II collegiate championship scheduled for last weekend was canceled after Virginia State University football players were accused of beating up their opponent Winston-Salem State University’s quarterback. Even worse news for Winston-Salem State fans, their back-up is Mark Sanchez.

9. According to the Wall Street Journal, the Broadway musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” will close in January. So, come January, if you want to see a guy dressed in tights, dance around and shoot a sticky white substance from his body in New York, you’ll have to head down to Chelsea.

10. “Selfie” was selected word of the year on Tuesday by the Oxford Dictionaries. Unfortunately, “Selfie’s” acceptance speech was marred when a visibly drunk “Yeezus” stormed the stage.

November 18, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Barack Obama will be joined by former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Wednesday in a wreath-laying ceremony at JFK’s grave commemorating the 50th anniversary of his assassination. The ceremony will mark the first time in over ten years that Bill and Hillary will get laid together.

2. An Alabama man lost his fight on Friday to keep his wife buried in the front yard of the home they shared for decades. Hey police, maybe check out his backyard too, just to be safe.

3. An Alabama man lost his fight on Friday to keep his wife buried in the front yard of the home they shared for decades. The Alabama Supreme Court said they may reconsider their decision once the wife dies.

4. Last week, R&B singer Chris Brown checked himself out of rehab. So, back inside everyone.

5. A custom-made neon-green wheelchair stolen from a 9-year-old Cleveland boy was returned anonymously to a police station last week. Police returned the wheelchair to the boy, who was right where they left him.

6. A custom-made neon-green wheelchair stolen from a 9-year-old Cleveland boy was returned anonymously to a police station last week. Police returned the wheelchair to the boy, allowing him to continue his goal of wheeling himself out of Cleveland.

7. Sony said on Sunday it had sold 1 million units of its new PlayStation 4 gaming consoles in the first 24 hours it was available. Said one PlayStation buyer, “Ahh, the sun!!!!”

8. According to a study of young soccer players, women tend to have worse symptoms than men after suffering a concussion. When asked how they judged the severity of the women’s symptoms, the scientists replied, “Oh, they let us know. Trust me, they let us know.”

9. On Friday, television network FXX announced it had secured the cable and online streaming rights to reruns of the FOX animated series “The Simpsons” in what is thought to be one of the most expensive syndication deals in television history. Said one anonymous source close to the deal, “Dough!”

10. The top Democrat in the House of Representatives said on Sunday that her party would not abandon President Obama’s landmark healthcare reform law. Instead, the plan to back away slowly and then deny they supported it come re-election time.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to a new report, when a husband or wife dies, the surviving spouse faces a higher risk of dying over the next few months. “Really? I fell great,” said O.J. Simpson.

2. A&E announced yesterday that brothers Mark and Donnie Wahlberg have inked a deal to appear in and executive produce a new unscripted series called “Wahlburgers,” which will go behind the scenes of their family’s Boston-based burger joint. A&E is hoping this show goes better than its previous venture into reality shows focused on siblings running a restaurant staring Salma Hayek and her sister Ella’s restaurant “Salma n Ella’s Chicken.”

3. A new study suggests, children who have gone through trying times are more likely to be overweight by age 15. So, say what you will about Jerry Sanduksy, but come 2020, Penn State’s gonna have a great offensive line.

4. The Canadian government has ruled that its doctors are no longer allowed to prescribe heroin. “This is like the worst week ever,” said Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

5. On Tuesday, FIFA, soccer’s governing body, extended the bans of twenty-six players and one referee for their involvement in fixing Italian soccer matches. Said one banned player, “Good, I had the over.”

6. Japan has created a robot that can manually bring a man to sexual climax. Men who have used the robot say the most the awkward part of the encounter is going out to brunch afterwards.

7. A new study suggests, poor young women are more likely to delay going to the doctor when they find a breast lump than women in better financial situations. Although maybe you’re financial situation wouldn’t be so dire if you were more open to showing your tits.

8. Yesterday, during an exhibition game in Honduras, a Harlem Globetrotter injured himself when the basket he was dunking on came down on top of him. It’s not the first time a Globetrotter was injured, in 1972 Curly Neal accidentally lit himself on fire and his teammates tragically tried to put him out with a bucket full of confetti.

9. Neuroscientists have taught monkeys to control a pair of virtual arms using only their thoughts. Scientists say the hardest part was making the virtual feces look realistic.

10. According to a new study, toddlers who continue to use bottles beyond 12 to 15 months of age tend to be overweight. But maybe they wouldn’t hit the bottle so hard if you stopped calling them fat.