Tag Archives: Las Vegas

June 1, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, a in bar Portland, Oregon held a “Reparations Happy Hour,” in which people of color had drinks and white people picked up the tab. That crazy story again, there are black people in Portland, Oregon.

2. According to reports, a Russian oligarch with links to the Kremlin met Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen at Trump Tower in New York City less than two weeks before Trump’s inauguration as president. Which means we are a few weeks away from Trump saying he’s never even heard of Trump Tower.

3. Republican Representative Diane Black of Tennessee recently cited pornography as a contributing factor to gun violence in schools. Begging the question, what kind of porn is Republican Representative Diane Back of Tennessee watching?

4. AT&T and Verizon announced this week they will start selling a holographic smartphone that will feature a ‘holographic’ display, that projects 3D images. And you thought the eggplant emoji made you uncomfortable before.

5. In a recent interview, President Trump said that NFL players who kneel during the anthem shouldn’t be playing. Also, some that stand:

6. On Tuesday, Utah Senate candidate Mitt Romney said he would not point to President Trump as a role model for his grandchildren. Said Romney, “There’s not much they can learn from Trump, they already throw tantrums and have tiny little hands.”

7. Netflix announced that Jennifer Aniston will portray the first female, and first gay, U.S. president in a comedy film for the streaming service. “Now that’s a woman president I can get behind!” said Bill Clinton.

8. President Trump and his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted on Wednesday that they were owed an apology from ABC for airing derogatory comments about the administration. “Get in line,” said everyone who saw an episode of “Cavemen”:

9. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. Said President Trump, “I get blaming a drug when you make a mistake, I wrote a very stern letter to Viagra after the birth of Eric.”

10. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. It’s easy to confuse racist for tired, look at all these sleepy people in their pajamas ready for bed:

11. On Wednesday, Trump publicly touted the importance of physical fitness during a Sports and Fitness Day event on the White House South Lawn. Unfortunately Trump only got threw two minutes of his prepared remarks before he became too winded by standing and talking at the same time to finish.

12. According to ‘Bloomberg,’ Billionaire Warren Buffett had proposed to invest $3 billion in Uber earlier this year, but the talks failed. Uber kept telling Buffett they were three minutes away from a deal, but they kept saying they were only three minutes away for over an hour.

13. On Wednesday, Kim Kardashian went to the White House and met with senior advisor to the president, Jared Kushner. “What’s it like to have a job where you don’t do anything?” said both of them to each other.

14. Delaware will begin offering Las Vegas-style sports betting at its three casinos on Tuesday, becoming the first state to open for business since the recent Supreme Court ruling. And I bet a lot of degenerate gamblers live in Delaware because they’re notoriously bad at making decisions.

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

November 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Saturday, President Trump said, despite what is widely reported, he doesn’t watch much TV because he’s too busy “reading documents.” And, to Trump’s credit, he’s almost found Waldo:

2. Last week, O.J. Simpson was thrown out of a hotel bar in Las Vegas for being too drunk and throwing a pair of glasses. “Ah, fuck,” said the waiter picked to return O.J.’s glasses to him.

3. According to reports, Mike Pence has formed a Vice President’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, who Pence routinely calls for advice. The first rule of Vice President’s club, don’t tell Al Gore about Vice President’s club.

4. On Wednesday, while speaking about embattled Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused of pursuing sexual relationships with teenagers, Ivanka Trump said, “There’s a special place in hell for people who prey on children.” Yeah, that place is called Alabama.

5. According to a new study, sex rarely causes heart attacks. But, it can cause PTSD:

6. On Monday, Amazon announced a ‘Lord of the Rings’ TV show. Which producers promise will address the problems diehard fans had with the movies, specifically, the Eye of Sauron will remain a metaohor, Fatty Bolger will play a bigger role and they won’t have to leave their parent’s basement to see it.

7. On Monday, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said he “does not follow” President Trump’s tweets. Hey, John, none of us can follow Trump’s tweets:

8. Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees can change how they communicated based on what their audience knows. Said one exhausted chimp, “Okay, let’s start over again. There are three branches in the federal government”:

9. Paralympic athlete and U.S. military veteran Rob Jones, who lost both his legs while serving in Afghanistan, is running 31 marathons in 31 days. Meanwhile, I stood up from my sofa too fast and got winded.

10. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Tuesday he “has no reason to doubt” the five women who have accused Senate candidate Roy Moore of sexual misconduct. Which can only mean one thing, none of those five women are black.

11. The Republican National Committee is withdrawing support for Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore after allegations surfaced that he had sexual contact with teenage girls decades ago. Said the RNC, “Hey, we were as surprised as you were to find out that we have standards.”

12. Sprint announced this week that they will offer their unlimited data plan customers free subscriptions to the streaming service Hulu. Not to be outdone, Blackberry will offer their customers their cousin Bill’s roommate’s Netflix password.

13. While in town to play the Knicks, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were seen taking the New York City subway. That story again, the Cavs were subjected to the absolute worst experience that New York City has to offer, and then they took the subway.

14. This week, a dangerous psychiatric patient, who was accused of murder, escaped from a Hawaii hospital, cleared airport security and flew all the way to California before being caught. No word on whether he felt the urge to murder his fellow man before or after taking a six hour Southwest flight.

15. The Alabama Republican Party said on Thursday it supported embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore despite allegations of sexual misconduct. Their exact words were, “He’s still a white man, right?”

16. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been informed by other NFL owners via letter that he is engaging in “conduct detrimental to the league’s best interests.” A letter that they have also sent every week for the past nine years to the owner of the Browns.

17. According to reports, President Trump told a group of Democratic senators Tuesday that he’d be a “big loser” if the Republican tex bill was signed into law. And, also, if it wasn’t.

June 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last year, tourists threw $2 million worth of coins in Rome’s Trevi Fountain. As a result, it now insists on being called Trevor Fountain III.

2. A Lebanese calligrapher has completed a two-year project to hand write a copy of the Koran, Islam’s holy book. Meanwhile, I’m in year three of trying to get through “Eat, Pray, Love.”

3. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. “Come on, at least we have a talent portion, too,” said Fox News.

4. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. The winner was able to both separate an atom and stimulate an Adam.

5. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ a framed edition of ‘Time Magazine’ with President Trump on the cover that hangs in many of his golf clubs is actually a fake. Which makes me wonder if he was really named People’s Sexiest Man of 2005:

6. Taco Bell is offering a $600 wedding package at its Las Vegas location. The theme of every wedding there will be ‘Bad Decisions.’

7. According to a new survey, an overwhelming majority of people in other countries have no confidence in President Trump’s ability to lead. And a majority in this country as well:

8. A New York man was charged with disorderly conduct after using the free WiFi at a Pennsylvania McDonald’s to watch porn on his tablet. Said the man, “That special sauce isn’t gonna make itself.”

9. A New Zealand duo set a world record for the longest throw and catch of an unbroken egg at over 265 feet. But, as a precaution, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men were onsite just in case.

10. According to a new study, listening to Justin Bieber music while eating can make your food taste bad. Although, if you’re eating at a Guy Fieri restaurant it’s kinda hard to determine what caused what.

May 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, a four-by-four foot sink hole formed in front of President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. That story again, Trump still has a direct line of communication with Roger Ailes.

2. It is being reported that fans at future Las Vegas Raiders NFL games will be able to legally place bets on their phones from inside the planned 65,000 seat stadium. “That’s crazy,” said the Cleveland Browns, “How do you get fans into your stadium?”


3. A big game hunter in Africa died after a shot elephant fell on him. The coroner listed his cause of death as “two tons of irony.”

4. A new study found that cannibalism may lead to dementia. Either way, a brain is a terrible thing to waste.

5. On Friday, committee leaders announced that Former FBI Director James Comey will testify publicly before the Senate intelligence committee. “Can I fire him again?” asked Trump.

6. A 6-year-old boy from Japan has set the Guinness Record for youngest club DJ in the world. He also set the record for world’s smallest douchebag.

7. According to reports, the Trump administration is exploring whether it can use an obscure ethics rule to undermine the appointment of Special Counsel Robert Mueller. But, first thing’s first, they have to google ‘what are ethics?’

8. On Monday, Tokyo Olympic organizers announced a competition to design the mascots for the 2020 Olympic and Paralympic Games. So far the leading candidate for the Olympic Games is a panda and for the Paralympic Games a panda that lived next to the Fukushima power plant.

9. When President Trump met Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi over the weekend, Trump reportedly complimented el-Sisi on his shoes. Presumably because he doesn’t have tits to compliment.

10. Cornell University will honor former-Vice President Joe Biden and his well-known love for ice cream by naming a new flavor in his honor. Thus making Chris Christie even more pissed that Trump didn’t make him VP.

March 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Thursday morning, the newly-confirmed Secretary of the Interior, Ryan Zinke, rode a horse to work. Big deal, this is how Trump gets to work every morning:
putin-trump

2. On Wednesday, novelist Kurt Anderson and actor Alec Baldwin announced that they are teaming up to write a satirical book about President Trump. It will be the first completely satirical book that is also non-fiction.

3. Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has changed his mind and announced that he will stand during the national anthem next season. “Down in front!” said the guy sitting behind him at the Buffalo Wild Wings.

4. A Florida golf club owned by President Trump appealed a federal judge’s ruling that it pay $5.77 million to former members for refusing to refund their deposits when they wanted to resign. So, at least we know for sure Trump is familiar with the word ‘resign.’

5. On Thursday, First Lady Melania Trump visited a New York City hospital and read Dr. Seuss books to sick children. Presumably because some Make-A-Wish kid has an amazing sense of humor.

6. This week, a woman in Las Vegas created a wedding dress made entirely of empty Taco Bell wrappers. And, if she’s the reason those wrappers are empty, I’m guessing her fiancé is currently running for the border.

7. An Ohio man is being charged after several women accused him of taking off their shoes and sucking on their toes in a mall. Proving, if you put on a referee’s shirt and walk into a Lady’s Footlocker, you can pretty much do whatever you want.

8. According to a new study, straight women have fewer orgasms than straight men. When reached for comment, straight men were already fast asleep.

9. McDonald’s announced that later this year it will allow customers in the United States to order and pay via their cell phones. And I have a sneaking suspicious that your iPhone will be the only Apple involved in that transaction.

10. On Wednesday, a US-bound plane was unable to take off from Heathrow Airport after a mouse was spotted on board. Which I believe is the prequel to ‘Snakes on a Plane.’

11. According to a senior administration official, President Trump believes the “greatest immediate threat” to the U.S. is North Korea and its nuclear program. And I have to admit, having a spoiled brat, who inherited everything from his father, never truly worked a day in his life and is intent on building up his country’s nuclear program, does sound terrifying.

12. On Monday, two giant pandas at a Tokyo Zoo mated for 52-seconds after a four-year hiatus. That story again, two pandas at a Tokyo Zoo are married.

13. A Florida man was caught trying to smuggle 54 antidepressant pills into a Jacksonville prison in his rectum. Word of advice, now that you’re in prison, that’s not the best place to hid things.

14. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. And, in unrelated news, Oscar Pistorius has adopted a dog.

15. After visiting the White House, Ohio Governor John Kasich, who was a vocal opponent of Donald Trump’s while campaigning, compared his situation to being on an airplane and rooting for the pilot to succeed. But make no bones about it, Kasich was also making a mental inventory of all the things around him that could be used as a flotation device.

January 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Today, the Obama family will officially leave the White House and move into their new 8-bedroom, 8-bathroom home in a Washington D.C. Or, as Donald Trump refers to it, their new 16-bathroom home.

2. According to sources, President-elect Donald Trump is still using his personal cell phone and will answer calls from unknown numbers. Especially if they are calling collect from Russia.

3. The National Football League’s Oakland Raiders filed paperwork with the league on Thursday to move to Las Vegas. Which is weird, because you don’t usually move to Las Vegas so much as just end up there.

4. According to a new survey, 32% of all U.S. adults watch pirated content. The number is much lower of course if Johnny Depp is in it:
depp

5. A man in Virginia is giving his wife one of his kidneys on their 20th wedding anniversary. Said his wife, “Maybe just flowers next year.”

6. Restaurant chain Chuck E. Cheese is reportedly planning an IPO. And, if you want in, you should jump on the initial public offering, because if I know anything about Chuck E. Cheese it’s that no one goes back for seconds.

7. This week actress Betty White’s turned 95. She celebrated with a quiet night at home with her three best friends:
golden-girls

8. According to a new study, fussy babies may cry less after receiving acupuncture. Because it only takes three days of nonstop crying before sticking a baby with a bunch of needles sounds like a good idea.

9. A retrospective titled “Puppy Bowl: Where Are They Now?” airs tonight on Animal Planet. Unfortunately the most common answers were “a farm upstate” and “in a vietnamese guy’s belly.”

10. California is facing a large deficit for 2017 after miscalculating the costs of its state run healthcare program by over $1.9 billon last year. Said the state’s main accountant, “Oh … carry the one.”

11. On Wednesday, authorities say a Florida woman claimed dogs could fly before tossing a small dog off a 30-foot tall bridge. And, I for one, blame “Airbud”:
airbud

12. A betting website is giving 4-to-1 odds that Donald Trump will be impeached within six months of his presidency. Begging the question does starting a nuclear war that brings on the complete destruction of mankind count as “being impeached”?

13. On Monday, Jim Fouts, the mayor of Warren, Michigan said a newly released tape supposedly of him making racist and sexist comments is fake. Adding, “And, if it’s not fake, Billy Bush goaded me into saying those things.”

14. According to “The New York Times,” Russian President Vladimir Putin instructed his defense minister that if he wanted to understand America he should watch “House of Cards.” Although, after Trump’s election, maybe they should check out “The Dukes of Hazard,” too.

15. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. But, just to make sure, she also has a headache tonight.

16. On Monday, Nike presented President Obama with his own personalized Air Jordan sneakers. “That’s news to me,” said Donald Trump learning at that very moment that President Obama and Michael Jordan were two different people.

17. A new study determined that employers should let workers take breaks to masturbate because it relieves tension and make employees happier. Well all employees except for the janitor.

18. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said if it were possible she would want the late Audrey Hepburn to play her in a movie. And I’m confident if cancer hadn’t killed Hepburn, that probably would have done it.
 
19. It has been announced that Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down will headline Donald Trump’s inauguration. Because, apparently, the ‘Again’ in ‘Make American Great Again,’ was 1998.

20. Stores are pulling jars of Nutella from their shelves after a report was published linking the chocolate spread to cancer. You can read more about it in this month’s medical journal of “Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.”

January 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. It is rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Or, as Trump refers to them, “Tiffany.”

2. During an interview on FoxNews yesterday, President-elect said he doesn’t want celebrities at his inauguration. “Well, then do I have the band for you!” said the manager of 3 Doors Down.

3. It is being reported that President-elect Donald Trump will be sworn in on his childhood bible on Friday. It’s the bible the President-elect used when he was seven in 1953 and, much like the hand Trump will place on it, it hasn’t changed much since.

4. It is expected to rain in Washington D.C. on Friday during President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. But that’s still over 24 hours away and there’s a good chance the rain, like many others who agreed to show up, will eventually back out.

5. President-elect Donald Trump’s childhood home in New York is up for sale. It is a historic site where a future president for the first time, but definitely not the last, wet his bed.

6. The driver of a Tesla car was reportedly left stranded in the desert near Las Vegas on Saturday when his car’s control app failed. The driver said the hardest part about being stranded in the desert was that there was no one around he could brag to about owning a Tesla.

7. According to a new study, France is the least trusted country in the world. So, guess you’ll just have to work harder next year, fake Nigerian princes.

8. On Wednesday, Nikki Haley, President-elect Donald Trump’s nominee for ambassador to the United Nations, said the United States cannot trust Russia and must see “positive actions” by Russia before easing U.S. sanctions. That story again, Trump is looking for a new ambassador to the United Nations.

9. Monday night, President-elect Donald Trump tried to tweet at his daughter Ivanka Trump, but tweeted at a digital consultant in Britain named Ivanka Majic by accident. Even worse, this was the tweet:
mlk-tweet

10. British scientists have created a complicated knot at the molecular level that is 192 atoms long that could be used to make materials like Kevlar even stronger. Of course, everyone knows the strongest knot known to mankind is the knot your earphones make while in your pocket.

October 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, before the last presidential debate in Las Vegas, many of Donald Trump’s advisors went to a strip club. Many, but not all:
buffet

2. On Monday, President Obama said he has seen the infamous Access Hollywood bus tape featuring Billy Bush and Donald Trump. Which means even Billy Bush made it inside the White House before Jeb.

3. According to a new study, women experiencing menopause symptoms like hot flashes and sleeping problems do better if they have a comfortable workplace and a supportive boss. In other words, Omarosa is fucked.

4. During an appearance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Monday night, President Obama revealed that he has an iPhone that he uses to send emails but the phone is not capable of making calls. Oh, so he has AT&T.
 
5. During an appearance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ Monday night, President Obama said if he were able to run for a third term Michelle would divorce him. Although, I’m not sure that would be necessary since Hillary Clinton would surely kidnap him first:
obama

6. According to research, the gender drinking gap, the ratio of men that drink to women that drink, has closed significantly over the past fifty years. So congratulations ladies on breaking the glass ceiling and the glass coffee table.

7. This week, singer Miley Cyrus went door-to-door at George Mason University in support of Hillary Clinton. “Oh, did you forget you shirt or something?” said every guy at the Kappa Episilon fraternity when she knocked on their door.

8. Arrested Mexican drug-kingpin Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman is unhappy that his conjugal visits with his wife have been cut from four hours down to two. Because, if there’s one thing we know about El Chapo it’s that he loves ‘tunneling.’

9. A professor at the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, his recently published paper on Nuclear Physics written entirely by Apple’s autocorrect function. The paper reads, “Put your head between your legs and kiss your ducking ass goodbye.”

10. Patrick Murphy, the Democrat in Florida seeking to unseat Marco Rubio, has denied he has ever done business with Donald Trump, even though his family’s construction company built two Trump-branded condominiums. But, in Murphy’s defense, just because you had a contract with and built something for Donald Trump doesn’t mean he actually paid you.