Tag Archives: Alec Bladwin

March 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Thursday morning, the newly-confirmed Secretary of the Interior, Ryan Zinke, rode a horse to work. Big deal, this is how Trump gets to work every morning:
putin-trump

2. On Wednesday, novelist Kurt Anderson and actor Alec Baldwin announced that they are teaming up to write a satirical book about President Trump. It will be the first completely satirical book that is also non-fiction.

3. Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has changed his mind and announced that he will stand during the national anthem next season. “Down in front!” said the guy sitting behind him at the Buffalo Wild Wings.

4. A Florida golf club owned by President Trump appealed a federal judge’s ruling that it pay $5.77 million to former members for refusing to refund their deposits when they wanted to resign. So, at least we know for sure Trump is familiar with the word ‘resign.’

5. On Thursday, First Lady Melania Trump visited a New York City hospital and read Dr. Seuss books to sick children. Presumably because some Make-A-Wish kid has an amazing sense of humor.

6. This week, a woman in Las Vegas created a wedding dress made entirely of empty Taco Bell wrappers. And, if she’s the reason those wrappers are empty, I’m guessing her fiancé is currently running for the border.

7. An Ohio man is being charged after several women accused him of taking off their shoes and sucking on their toes in a mall. Proving, if you put on a referee’s shirt and walk into a Lady’s Footlocker, you can pretty much do whatever you want.

8. According to a new study, straight women have fewer orgasms than straight men. When reached for comment, straight men were already fast asleep.

9. McDonald’s announced that later this year it will allow customers in the United States to order and pay via their cell phones. And I have a sneaking suspicious that your iPhone will be the only Apple involved in that transaction.

10. On Wednesday, a US-bound plane was unable to take off from Heathrow Airport after a mouse was spotted on board. Which I believe is the prequel to ‘Snakes on a Plane.’

11. According to a senior administration official, President Trump believes the “greatest immediate threat” to the U.S. is North Korea and its nuclear program. And I have to admit, having a spoiled brat, who inherited everything from his father, never truly worked a day in his life and is intent on building up his country’s nuclear program, does sound terrifying.

12. On Monday, two giant pandas at a Tokyo Zoo mated for 52-seconds after a four-year hiatus. That story again, two pandas at a Tokyo Zoo are married.

13. A Florida man was caught trying to smuggle 54 antidepressant pills into a Jacksonville prison in his rectum. Word of advice, now that you’re in prison, that’s not the best place to hid things.

14. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. And, in unrelated news, Oscar Pistorius has adopted a dog.

15. After visiting the White House, Ohio Governor John Kasich, who was a vocal opponent of Donald Trump’s while campaigning, compared his situation to being on an airplane and rooting for the pilot to succeed. But make no bones about it, Kasich was also making a mental inventory of all the things around him that could be used as a flotation device.

May 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. While speaking at a conference last week, Republican strategist Karl Rove hinted that Hillary Clinton may not make a good President due to a brain injury she may have suffered as a result of a blood clot in 2012. Which is why Rove supports a Sarah Palin 2016 run for the White House, because you can’t injury something you never had.

2. The U.S became the world’s biggest market for wine last year, beating second-place France for the first time ever. Experts attribute this rise in wine consumption to the addition of a fifth hour to “the Today Show.”

3. The author of a new book released on Tuesday claims he is the son of the notorious Zodiac killer, an unidentified serial killer who terrorized Northern California in the late 1960s. “Wanna trade?” said Ronan Farrow.

4. Actress Carrie Fisher has reportedly lost 40 pounds for her role in the upcoming “Star Wars” film. So it’s safe to assume this movie takes place in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far away.

5. AT&T is in talks to buy satellite TV provider DirecTV and may finalize a deal as soon as tomorrow that could be worth close to $50 billion. Unless, of course, it’s cloudy tomorrow, then the deal will be closer to $10 billion.

6. Seattle police are looking for a man suspected of stealing a toilet tank from a Subway bathroom while workers prepared his family’s meal. Begging the question, where is this magical Subway that lets customers use its bathroom?

7. According to a report released on Monday, U.S. students read, but not well or often. Or, as it was reported by U.S. students, we read, but not good or ever.

8. An air safety regulator said an American Airlines plane almost collided with a drone above Florida earlier this year. Said Delta, “See, there are some advantages to always being delayed and never actually taking off.”

9. A planned Lady Gaga concert in Dubai will be censored out of respect to local cultural traditions. And, out of respect to Lady Gaga, the locals will wait until after the concert to stone her to death.

10. Actor Alec Baldwin was arrested Tuesday for disorderly conduct stemming from an argument with a police officer who was issuing the actor a summons for riding his bicycle against traffic in New York City. “Whoa, look who it is,” said his cellmate Stephen Baldwin.